(no subject)
You know them days where you just feel low.... and you can't just get a grip on things? Today is one of those days.
Well its been in succession of about 4 days... Found out my grandad is going to be fully blind. Not something you want to hear. I was sat thinking about it for ages, he won't ever see me get married.... he won't ever see his grandkids grow up. I don't know how he could handle something like that. Makes him a strong person! I respect him so much as I always have done, and by the sounds of things hes taking it really well, which justifys the respect and earns more in the process. It upsets me to think about it.... just like I wish my nanan was around. She was great, and I miss her so much. Our family lost her must have been nearly 10 years ago... I was only young. She died of lung cancer... I saw her the day before she died, she was high on morphine etc. When it became time to say goodbye.... she asked me for a kiss goodbye... and I ran out of the room in tears. I have never forgave myself for that, I hope that she forgives me... I don't mean to sound a hypocrit but if there is a heaven she is there..... I hope she knows why I left the room because I couldn't stand to see her in so much pain, and I couldn't accept the fact that it was going to be our last goodbye... I hope she forgives me that I didn't go to her funeral.... I stayed at home and cried... I couldn't stand people talking of her in a past tense and that after people mourned her.... they would burn her. I really wish she was here.... I really wish I could see her one day and for her to tell me shes proud of me. I wish she could have met Bev, she would have loved her. Just like the rest of my family do... just like I do. I know that my future is with Bev, and I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her. If I had one life wish... it wouldn't be money, fame, etc. It would be that my Nanan would be there on my wedding day and smile proudly at us.
I feel like I'm just in a state... as much as I know me and Bev are gonna be together, its hard sometimes. I'm not going to give up... never. But I don't see her enough. I want her to be there everyday lying next to me when I wake up. I want her to be there when I fall asleep. It seems like everytime theres progress... theres always something preventing it from happening. Like her being talked out of moving in with me or whatever. It makes me think theres a chance of it not happening... that upsets me more than anything. I sometimes feel my life is falling apart... and I am not able to keep it together. There is only so many times I can put up a front.
In all... life is shit. I'm going to bed.
Well its been in succession of about 4 days... Found out my grandad is going to be fully blind. Not something you want to hear. I was sat thinking about it for ages, he won't ever see me get married.... he won't ever see his grandkids grow up. I don't know how he could handle something like that. Makes him a strong person! I respect him so much as I always have done, and by the sounds of things hes taking it really well, which justifys the respect and earns more in the process. It upsets me to think about it.... just like I wish my nanan was around. She was great, and I miss her so much. Our family lost her must have been nearly 10 years ago... I was only young. She died of lung cancer... I saw her the day before she died, she was high on morphine etc. When it became time to say goodbye.... she asked me for a kiss goodbye... and I ran out of the room in tears. I have never forgave myself for that, I hope that she forgives me... I don't mean to sound a hypocrit but if there is a heaven she is there..... I hope she knows why I left the room because I couldn't stand to see her in so much pain, and I couldn't accept the fact that it was going to be our last goodbye... I hope she forgives me that I didn't go to her funeral.... I stayed at home and cried... I couldn't stand people talking of her in a past tense and that after people mourned her.... they would burn her. I really wish she was here.... I really wish I could see her one day and for her to tell me shes proud of me. I wish she could have met Bev, she would have loved her. Just like the rest of my family do... just like I do. I know that my future is with Bev, and I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her. If I had one life wish... it wouldn't be money, fame, etc. It would be that my Nanan would be there on my wedding day and smile proudly at us.
I feel like I'm just in a state... as much as I know me and Bev are gonna be together, its hard sometimes. I'm not going to give up... never. But I don't see her enough. I want her to be there everyday lying next to me when I wake up. I want her to be there when I fall asleep. It seems like everytime theres progress... theres always something preventing it from happening. Like her being talked out of moving in with me or whatever. It makes me think theres a chance of it not happening... that upsets me more than anything. I sometimes feel my life is falling apart... and I am not able to keep it together. There is only so many times I can put up a front.
In all... life is shit. I'm going to bed.