A Quick (And Probably Angsty) Retrospective
So you remember things got bad with Roommate, right? I mean, also for Sea, but a lot of the kind of stuff she was putting Sea through she was also putting me through, except I wasn't her girlfriend so in a lot of ways I have less of a right to my hurt than Sea does, and definitely less of a right to air the dirty laundry in this way. But on the other hand did feel abandoned and neglected and a little betrayed, because the ways she treated me weren't consistent with being my friend, weren't consistent with the roommateship we'd had previously, and weren't consistent with things she'd promised me in the past.
(God, I know this sounds silly, but oh god did it hurt when she texted me in the middle of night to ask if she could kick me out so she could bring a random hookup back. She'd promised me when she broke up with her boyfriend that she'd never do that, that she valued me and our friendship and the sanctity of our space too much to ever force me out for something so trivial, that she'd always insist they go to the other person's room. And--she broke that promise so cavalierly, and she'd broken other promises before but I always made excuses for her, always said that she forgot, but this one--it hurt more, to think she'd forgotten, than it would've to know she'd broken it deliberately. It was like I was a piece of particularly annoying furniture, not someone she claimed to care about and whose friendship she claimed to value.)
She did other things that made me uncomfortable, often things involving Sea, but those are things Sea has a right to hear about and I don't really have a right to say in this kind of forum without her go-ahead.
Anyways. So. Things are different now. I kind of...cut her out of my life? I blocked her on tumblr and stopped trying to initiate anything with her or even putting myself in a position where I could see her doing online stuff at all. I didn't unfriend her on facebook, but a lot of that was because she was traveling and didn't have internet access often and so wasn't really on there anyways.
I just want to be treated well and kindly and respectfully and probably most of all consistently. And a big chunk of me does think that’s too much to ask for, that I’m being unfair and unkind and impolite, and sometimes it hits me for no reason at all. But I’m so much happier than I was, even if it doesn’t always show in my online interactions necessarily--but then again, it kind of does. I’m participating in things again and I’ve wanted to do the RayV birthday thing since the beginning of the summer but I never thought I’d have the energy to get the ball rolling, much less see it through. I’m sorting myself out and I think I’m being a better person and I’ve found things, little things, that keep me going even when the bottom drops out on me emotionally, as it is still wont to do some days.
I’m--I still feel lonely, and isolated, and abandoned and resentful and like I’ve abandoned her and guilty for it. But I can’t trust her, not anymore--not because I don’t want to, but because I tried to force myself to for an entire semester and just ended up hurting myself and other people and even letting my temper get the better of me a few times and lashing out verbally--and maybe one day she’ll sort out her emotional stuff enough that I can trust her again or I can sort out my emotional stuff that I can have her in my life and be able to deal with the fact that she can’t be trusted not to hurt me and wind me up and put me down. But that isn’t today, and it isn’t tomorrow, and it probably isn’t even next year.
I just--I was ready, to say this to her, I had a little speech prepped and everything, because I was expecting her to notice that I'd gone radio silent eventually. But when she did, she chose to text me. And I just--I couldn't say it, via text message. I couldn't do it, not where I was then and not even where I am now. And so I didn't respond, just ignored her, and I feel bad about that but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't let her call all of the shots anymore, and I wasn't going to try and tear myself into little pieces figuring out how to say what needed saying via text. Maybe I could've sent her a facebook message or something, and if I had her current email I would've probably sent her an email, but. I didn't. I feel like that makes me a bad person, and maybe it does, but maybe I have to be a worse person before I can be a better one.
Ah, well. I don't remember what I was going to say now anyway, so I guess the point is fairly moot.
I don't want any of you to think that I'm blaming her entirely for what went wrong, or that you should either. I was definitely partially at fault, but it took me most of the semester to work out that she was to blame too. And I think one of the most infuriating things for me at the time was that she never owned that, but then I never asked her to. I was scared to death, because she'd made it entirely clear she was willing to drop me like a hot potato if I stepped a foot out of line, and no matter what happened we still would've had to live together--and I was almost entirely emotionally and socially dependent on her, and she made it very very clear that she didn't need or even necessarily want me around. And. Well. I just, by nature, tend to strive to keep the peace as best I can. And so I didn't push as much as I should've, or when I should've, and I know a lot of my emotional issues were contributing to things spiraling the way they did. But it wasn't all me, it wasn't, it wasn't even mostly me. I'll claim 40% of the blame, and I think only Sea has the right and knowledge to dispute me on that allotment.
So the point I'd eventually like to come to is that things sucked, a lot, for a long time. It was hard before I got back and it was hard before I went to France and it was hard even before then. But it was maybe hardest that last semester, living like a stranger in a place that was supposed to feel like home. And I knew I had to do something about it, and I think I've started to.
So, please, friends: if you see me getting myself into a toxic situation, you can try and steer me clear but I probably won't listen. If you see me struggling through that situation and refusing to acknowledge it for what it is, you can try and dig me out but I may not even be aware there's a problem. But now that I'm here, on the other side, I'd really appreciate a little hand holding. It was a tough four years and a rough last semester, and I'm so glad I made it through.
Am leaving this public, even though it means there's a faint possibility she might see it. Maybe because of that. I don't know, but I know I'm done hiding the ways in which she hurt the people who were supposed to matter most to her.
Am also using my Rory icon, because it makes me feel brave. Since I'm not, actually, this might not stay up for long.
(God, I know this sounds silly, but oh god did it hurt when she texted me in the middle of night to ask if she could kick me out so she could bring a random hookup back. She'd promised me when she broke up with her boyfriend that she'd never do that, that she valued me and our friendship and the sanctity of our space too much to ever force me out for something so trivial, that she'd always insist they go to the other person's room. And--she broke that promise so cavalierly, and she'd broken other promises before but I always made excuses for her, always said that she forgot, but this one--it hurt more, to think she'd forgotten, than it would've to know she'd broken it deliberately. It was like I was a piece of particularly annoying furniture, not someone she claimed to care about and whose friendship she claimed to value.)
She did other things that made me uncomfortable, often things involving Sea, but those are things Sea has a right to hear about and I don't really have a right to say in this kind of forum without her go-ahead.
Anyways. So. Things are different now. I kind of...cut her out of my life? I blocked her on tumblr and stopped trying to initiate anything with her or even putting myself in a position where I could see her doing online stuff at all. I didn't unfriend her on facebook, but a lot of that was because she was traveling and didn't have internet access often and so wasn't really on there anyways.
I just want to be treated well and kindly and respectfully and probably most of all consistently. And a big chunk of me does think that’s too much to ask for, that I’m being unfair and unkind and impolite, and sometimes it hits me for no reason at all. But I’m so much happier than I was, even if it doesn’t always show in my online interactions necessarily--but then again, it kind of does. I’m participating in things again and I’ve wanted to do the RayV birthday thing since the beginning of the summer but I never thought I’d have the energy to get the ball rolling, much less see it through. I’m sorting myself out and I think I’m being a better person and I’ve found things, little things, that keep me going even when the bottom drops out on me emotionally, as it is still wont to do some days.
I’m--I still feel lonely, and isolated, and abandoned and resentful and like I’ve abandoned her and guilty for it. But I can’t trust her, not anymore--not because I don’t want to, but because I tried to force myself to for an entire semester and just ended up hurting myself and other people and even letting my temper get the better of me a few times and lashing out verbally--and maybe one day she’ll sort out her emotional stuff enough that I can trust her again or I can sort out my emotional stuff that I can have her in my life and be able to deal with the fact that she can’t be trusted not to hurt me and wind me up and put me down. But that isn’t today, and it isn’t tomorrow, and it probably isn’t even next year.
I just--I was ready, to say this to her, I had a little speech prepped and everything, because I was expecting her to notice that I'd gone radio silent eventually. But when she did, she chose to text me. And I just--I couldn't say it, via text message. I couldn't do it, not where I was then and not even where I am now. And so I didn't respond, just ignored her, and I feel bad about that but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't let her call all of the shots anymore, and I wasn't going to try and tear myself into little pieces figuring out how to say what needed saying via text. Maybe I could've sent her a facebook message or something, and if I had her current email I would've probably sent her an email, but. I didn't. I feel like that makes me a bad person, and maybe it does, but maybe I have to be a worse person before I can be a better one.
Ah, well. I don't remember what I was going to say now anyway, so I guess the point is fairly moot.
I don't want any of you to think that I'm blaming her entirely for what went wrong, or that you should either. I was definitely partially at fault, but it took me most of the semester to work out that she was to blame too. And I think one of the most infuriating things for me at the time was that she never owned that, but then I never asked her to. I was scared to death, because she'd made it entirely clear she was willing to drop me like a hot potato if I stepped a foot out of line, and no matter what happened we still would've had to live together--and I was almost entirely emotionally and socially dependent on her, and she made it very very clear that she didn't need or even necessarily want me around. And. Well. I just, by nature, tend to strive to keep the peace as best I can. And so I didn't push as much as I should've, or when I should've, and I know a lot of my emotional issues were contributing to things spiraling the way they did. But it wasn't all me, it wasn't, it wasn't even mostly me. I'll claim 40% of the blame, and I think only Sea has the right and knowledge to dispute me on that allotment.
So the point I'd eventually like to come to is that things sucked, a lot, for a long time. It was hard before I got back and it was hard before I went to France and it was hard even before then. But it was maybe hardest that last semester, living like a stranger in a place that was supposed to feel like home. And I knew I had to do something about it, and I think I've started to.
So, please, friends: if you see me getting myself into a toxic situation, you can try and steer me clear but I probably won't listen. If you see me struggling through that situation and refusing to acknowledge it for what it is, you can try and dig me out but I may not even be aware there's a problem. But now that I'm here, on the other side, I'd really appreciate a little hand holding. It was a tough four years and a rough last semester, and I'm so glad I made it through.
Am leaving this public, even though it means there's a faint possibility she might see it. Maybe because of that. I don't know, but I know I'm done hiding the ways in which she hurt the people who were supposed to matter most to her.
Am also using my Rory icon, because it makes me feel brave. Since I'm not, actually, this might not stay up for long.