For The Record, An Apology
For The Record, An Apology
by alloy
Daily Prophet - Special Edition.
We’re Sorry.
The Daily Prophet hereby unequivocally and without reservation apologises to Minister for Magic Candidate Professor Neville Longbottom.
This apology was not in any way shape of form solicited by Professor Longbottom and is in response to this newspaper’s speculation that the Ministerial candidate, who is single and lives with his aged grandmother, may in fact be gay.
Our offices have seen a vigorous and vocal response to our innocent question, which we posed, on page four of yesterday’s edition.
We hope that this apology will halt the deluge of howlers that our offices have been subject to. All of them decrying our simple query. We also hope to dissuade our loyal readers from pursuing a boycott of this publication.
Unfortunately while the vast majority of Professor Longbottom’s admirers declined to be quoted. We assure you the reader that they do exist, and that their identities would shock many of you.
This paper was however able to obtain interviews with a number of Professor Longbottom’s long time personal friends.
Quidditch star Ron ‘The Wall’ Weasley and his wife Dr Hermione Granger-Weasley scoffed at our earlier speculation.
“Neville’s as gay as Ron!” Mrs Weasley exclaimed waving at her stomach. (The couple is expecting their fourth child.). She blushes. “That’s not from personal experience you understand. I’ve always been Ron’s girl. But all the girls in the dorm knew about Neville's....” She smiles and waves to her husband.
He laughs. “Look.” He said. “Neville was a quiet sort until Luna Lovegood got hold of him. Then he couldn't beat them off with a stick. I reckon you should talk to Luna.”
Despite being the publisher and editor in chief of a rival publication Ms Lovegood graciously agreed to an interview, in her words, “For the good of the Nation.”
“He was a virgin.” She confirmed. “A complete innocent, and so frustrated. It was more for health reasons than anything else that I decided to help him. That sort of frustration can lead backed up flumble snikes.”
Her eyes glaze over for a moment and she stares (More than is usually the case) into space.
“Who knew.” She sighs. “Just how remarkable he was.”
We asked her what had happened to their relationship.
“Nothing.” She replies. “I still see Neville regularly. I don't want Flumble snikes problems either”
“But his other relationships?” We asked.
“Oh I couldn’t keep him to myself.” She exclaims. “I couldn’t be that selfish.”
“We must all make sacrifices.” She says. "For the good of English Witchcraft. Neville was mine.”
We suspect the four thousand two hundred and sixty three witches who corresponded with our offices couldn’t thank her enough.
Fin
Also available here
by alloy
Daily Prophet - Special Edition.
We’re Sorry.
The Daily Prophet hereby unequivocally and without reservation apologises to Minister for Magic Candidate Professor Neville Longbottom.
This apology was not in any way shape of form solicited by Professor Longbottom and is in response to this newspaper’s speculation that the Ministerial candidate, who is single and lives with his aged grandmother, may in fact be gay.
Our offices have seen a vigorous and vocal response to our innocent question, which we posed, on page four of yesterday’s edition.
We hope that this apology will halt the deluge of howlers that our offices have been subject to. All of them decrying our simple query. We also hope to dissuade our loyal readers from pursuing a boycott of this publication.
Unfortunately while the vast majority of Professor Longbottom’s admirers declined to be quoted. We assure you the reader that they do exist, and that their identities would shock many of you.
This paper was however able to obtain interviews with a number of Professor Longbottom’s long time personal friends.
Quidditch star Ron ‘The Wall’ Weasley and his wife Dr Hermione Granger-Weasley scoffed at our earlier speculation.
“Neville’s as gay as Ron!” Mrs Weasley exclaimed waving at her stomach. (The couple is expecting their fourth child.). She blushes. “That’s not from personal experience you understand. I’ve always been Ron’s girl. But all the girls in the dorm knew about Neville's....” She smiles and waves to her husband.
He laughs. “Look.” He said. “Neville was a quiet sort until Luna Lovegood got hold of him. Then he couldn't beat them off with a stick. I reckon you should talk to Luna.”
Despite being the publisher and editor in chief of a rival publication Ms Lovegood graciously agreed to an interview, in her words, “For the good of the Nation.”
“He was a virgin.” She confirmed. “A complete innocent, and so frustrated. It was more for health reasons than anything else that I decided to help him. That sort of frustration can lead backed up flumble snikes.”
Her eyes glaze over for a moment and she stares (More than is usually the case) into space.
“Who knew.” She sighs. “Just how remarkable he was.”
We asked her what had happened to their relationship.
“Nothing.” She replies. “I still see Neville regularly. I don't want Flumble snikes problems either”
“But his other relationships?” We asked.
“Oh I couldn’t keep him to myself.” She exclaims. “I couldn’t be that selfish.”
“We must all make sacrifices.” She says. "For the good of English Witchcraft. Neville was mine.”
We suspect the four thousand two hundred and sixty three witches who corresponded with our offices couldn’t thank her enough.
Fin
Also available here