Unintended [Chapter 6B/10]
Title: Unintended [Chapter 6B/10]
Characters/Subjects: Kris & Adam, American Idol S8 and post American Idol
Word Count: Approx. 45,000 for entire story of 10 Chapters.
Rating: IDK! R perhaps.
Warning: Violence, rape and related triggers.
Disclaimer: 100% fiction. Everything is as fake as plastic surgery! I owned nothing.
Beta: NONE! All mistakes are mine i.e. contained all sorts of mistakes i.e. grammar, tenses, timeline, logic, etc.
Author’s Note: This is only my 2nd attempt at a fanfic. Kind of failed miserably the first time.
*WARNING*: English is not my first language. I am trying. Please bear with me. I wanted to post a long time back but was afraid. Then, I told myself - WTH, just do it cause I had this whole story/idea in my head for so long.
Inspiration: Lyrics from The Scientist by Coldplay and Unintended by Muse. I ‘borrowed’ their lyrics for my story here because the lyrics fit freakily well in this fic. I hope I did not get into any copyright infringements trouble.
Special mention: Try to listen to Unintended by Muse and The Scientist by Coldplay to accompany the reading.
Summary: Kris and Adam started their relationship during their days at the mansion. Something bad happened to one of them just before Idol season ended. Post Idol, both tried to move on from the trauma but try as they might, they failed. No one told them it would be that hard.
CHAPTER 6B
Adam was getting his coffee at his favorite coffee house when he ran into Brad. When he saw the look on Brad’s face, he knew it was no coincidence that they turned up at the same coffee house at the same time. Brad came looking for him and he sensed a lecture coming his way.
He took a seat at an empty table and stared up at Brad. “Are you gonna sit or what?”
Brad sat down immediately. He was about to open his mouth but Adam stopped him.
“Don’t start, Brad. I don’t want to hear what you are about to say.”
“How about a good morning?” Brad asked, his head tilted slightly. He was still not smiling.
“Good morning to you then.”
“Ohh, fuck you! You are seriously pissing me off!”
“Watch your mouth, it’s a small coffee house after all,” Adam warned sarcastically.
“Adam, I don’t give a fuck if these people could hear me. And I also don’t give a fuck whether you want to listen to me or not. I’m gonna say what I wanted say.”
Adam straightened up, felt the irritation rising to his head. “What?”
“What is wrong with you, Adam? Are you fucking out of your mind? What - you are brain dead or what? You were supposed to shoot one of the coolest music video EVER with that insanely talented director, Marciano and - and you blew him off! It was supposed to be your debut video, your time to shine ….your - your fucking dream! And NOW, the fella asked you to take a walk! He is never gonna direct any of your videos ever again. You know how much money you had wasted by walking out on the set?”
“Do I look like I care?”
“Fuck man! What? You thought you are some kind of superhero boyfriend who saved the day? You walked away from something great to go where? For what? It was fucking ridiculous! He was already in the hospital. Adam, you are not a doctor! You are a singer!”
“What do you think I’ll do after I found out that my boyfriend had passed out while recording? Pretend nothing had happened and continue to act for the camera? Yes, Brad! Maybe I was being unprofessional and I let my emotions got the better of me. So what? I’m only human! I love him, Brad! And I didn’t want it to be like the last time. I was not there for him when all the bad things happened to him. I didn’t protect him when he needed me the most!”
“Adam, it was not your fault. You can’t protect him for the rest of his life, damn it! He needs to wake up and get over it! He is a man, not a 3 year old kid! Like that night on your birthday, that man was not even fucking Gokey. So he touched him, so what? What was the big deal, huh? Adam, you had done enough for the past few months. Stop sacrificing ….”
“Brad, it was just another birthday dinner! It doesn’t really matter. And the video, so what? I could live without having one of the most famous directors to direct my videos!”
“Adam, I’m not just talking about the dinner or the video shoot. It’s everything else. Look at you! You looked tired most of time. Let me guess; this is your third cup of coffee since you woke up this morning? You are not happy and I could tell; I could see it from your face. Adam, you are better than this and you know it. You are amazing, the fans love you, the producers want you and - and you could easily find someone who would love you more than you love yourself. Why are you torturing yourself? You are not happy and I know you want to walk away from all these shit. But you are still holding on because what? Because you felt sorry for him? Because you felt guilty? The Adam I knew once told me, he wanted to be a rockstar and that he WILL be a rockstar. It’s time you act like one. Stop jeopardizing your career, your dream for him. It’s not worth it, Adam…..”
Adam felt his heart constrict. He felt hurt by Brad’s words because it was not true. And he felt even more hurt that his best friend, of all people, didn’t understand or believe him.
“He is worth it. Every single second of my life,” Adam said firmly. They looked at each other without saying a word. Then, Adam stood up and walked out of the coffee house.
………………………………………………………
It had been a week since he was discharged from the hospital. He felt fine and his skin is no longer red and swollen, though there are still patches of pink blemish on his body. Kris didn’t realize that he had burnt himself so badly. He had just wanted to wash off the areas where that man, that filthy man who looked like Danny, had touched him. He was so lost that night, blanked and numb. That was probably the reason why he didn’t feel the pain when the hot water hit his skin.
Adam had kept him at home. His own mum came and stayed with them for a couple of days. But on Kris’ insistence that he was fine, his mum finally agreed to go back to work in Arkansas.
Adam, on the other hand, was a little difficult to convince.
“Adam, you didn’t have to come home to have dinner with me. Why did you cancel that meeting ….” Kris didn’t manage to finish his sentence as Adam cut him off.
“The meeting was unnecessary anyway. Baby, trust me. I promise you that I take my work seriously. I had handed in my written apology to the management about the video thing and really, everything is fine now….”
Kris can’t help but frowned.
“….don’t give me that look. I’m serious. They really don’t need me in that meeting. That’s why I decided to come home to have dinner with you.”
“Alright. If you said so. But I’m serious too, Adam. I don’t want to cause you any trouble. I know I have my issues but I’m trying to fix them,” he admitted and swallowed hard.
Kris felt Adam’s warm palm on his cheek. “Sweetie, take your time. I’ll be right here.”
As Adam stood up to walk towards the kitchen, Kris stretched out one hand to pull him back.
“Adam, I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m so sorry that I spoilt your birthday dinner. I didn’t know - I shouldn’t have ……”
“Baby, don’t worry about it, okay? It was just another birthday celebration. I’ll have it every other year. It was really not that a big a deal. And stop apologizing. Not your fault sweetie,” Adam said. He smiled, turned and walked away towards the kitchen.
No matter how much Adam assured him, Kris didn’t feel right. He thought about Adam’s first ever birthday celebration as an artist, of all the friends who turned up. He thought about Adam’s first ever music video shoot for his first ever single. All of Adam’s firsts and all the happy moments. Kris felt sad that he had been the one who spoiled them all for Adam. He felt increasingly terrible thinking what kind of troubles Adam had gotten into with the management. He mentally cursed at himself. He thought his life had been so fucked up and now, he went on to screw up Adam’s as well. He needed to make it up to him.
Kris stood up and walked to the kitchen. “Adam?”
“Uh huh?”
“It’s almost bed time. You want to head upstairs?” Kris asked, his hands wouldn’t stop fidgeting. He hoped that Adam wouldn’t notice his nervousness.
“Yeah, I guess. I was just warming up some milk here. It’s for you. It helps with the sleep, apparently.”
“Adam, you don’t have to. I sleep fine, especially with you by my side.” He didn’t feel nervous saying that because it was the truth. But the nerves crept back up immediately when he knew what he had to say and do next.
“I love cuddling and sleeping next to you. I like to hug ….”
Kris decided to not let Adam talk any further. “Yeah …..I love that too. And ahh - I like sleeping next to you but I - I want to sleep with you ......like how we used to …”
There was a long silence before Adam spoke. “Kris? What did you just said?”
By now, a ball of nerves had settled firmly in the pit of his stomach. “I thought maybe - maybe we could make love tonight ….er, I mean ….but that - that is if you want to…..”
“No, Kris. I don’t want to have sex with you.” Adam looked a little pissed.
Kris felt his face flushed. He had to clench his jaw because his lips were trembling and his heart was pounding violently against his rib cage. He still couldn’t wrap his head around Adam’s final words. He didn’t understand the rejection. Not that he was desperate for sex. In fact, he didn’t know if he could do it. The very thought of sex actually makes him squirmed. But he had just wanted to make Adam happy; to make it up to him for all the troubles he had brought upon him.
Kris managed to say something finally. “I thought …….”
“You thought what Kris? That you could offer to have sex with me; to give me pleasure just to make up it up to me? You thought I did all these nice things so that I could have sex with you? Like a fucking trade?”
Kris was breathing hard. “No - no, that’s not what …..” he wanted to protest but Adam was not done talking.
“You think I’m some cheap fuck? After all this time ….shit Kris! I don’t care about the sex part, okay! I’ll never take advantage of you, not …not when you are so vulnerable. GOD! I can’t believe you …..” Adam threw his hands up and landed them on his head. He twisted his fingers in his hair and turned to look away from Kris.
“I - I’m sorry Adam. I didn’t mean it that way. I just want you to be happy. I would never ever doubt your love …..what you had gone through for me. You sacrificed so much for me. I just wanted to do the same for you, for once it’s me sacrificing for you. I didn’t mean ………….” Tears made way down his cheek. He was a nervous wreck and he hated himself for making Adam upset. He wanted to continue to explain, to make Adam understand but he found it increasingly difficult to breathe.
Adam turned around to face Kris. He still looked pissed off but he eyes were red and wet. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and said, “So, you think you could just force yourself to have sexual intercourse with me? Just like that? After what happened last week and what you did to yourself in the shower that night, you think you could handle it, huh? It’s intimate, it’s painful, it’s - it’s fucking SEX! You think you could do that, huh? HUH?”
“I …. I don’t know! I do it for you. It doesn’t matter if it hurts. I just want to see you happy …. I never thought that …..”
“Kris! Stop being so silly and - and stop hurting yourself! Just stop for one fucking moment. You continue to hurt yourself but have you ever stop to think, just for one second that you hurt me too when you hurt yourself,” Adam said.
Kris recoiled a little as he watched Adam’s face turned a bright red. As more tears flood his eyes until he could barely see, he opened his mouth to say something in hope of calming Adam down, “I’m sorry I hurt you…..”
“Stop saying you are sorry. It’s not ………. I love you and you know that. But I’m just so tired. Maybe - maybe we need a little break from all these. I don’t know ….maybe from each other.”
When Kris heard the word break, he felt like throwing up and passing out at the same time. He didn’t know why he kept screwing things up with Adam. And now Adam wanted a break from him.
“………………I’ll arrange something with Cam. She told me I had to go to New York and Canada for some promotional shows sometime next month. I’ll get her to push that one up my schedule this week. I don’t know how long - probably two weeks or more. I just thought maybe we both could use a break ….. I’ll get my mum to come over……….”
Kris thought this was probably the best he could do for Adam; let him go and have his break. He knew he would miss Adam and would probably struggle at night without him, but he had to let Adam do what he thought was for the best. At this juncture, he would be willing to do anything that Adam had asked of him.
When Adam mentioned having his mum Leila over to stay with him, Kris knew that Adam is still concerned over his condition. As much as he was struggling for breath now and his guts threatening to spill, he had to hold back. He had to assure Adam that he could leave without having to worry about him constantly.
Kris swallowed, wiped off his tears and finally managed to say, “Yeah ….okay. You should go then. It’s probably for the best. But Leila, please don’t trouble her. I’ll be alright.”
“It’s no trouble. She cared about you ……”
“Errrm, Adam. I’m good. I’ll probably meet her up for dinners or something. She doesn’t necessarily have to come by here. I’ll manage - errrrr - I’ll probably be in the studio most of the time anyway.”
“Alright.”
They both settle into silence. Things had gotten so awkward between them. Adam broke the silence, said he needed a shower and headed upstairs, leaving Kris standing awkwardly alone in the hall.
Eventually, Kris went up to the room and crawled into bed while Adam was still in the shower. He turned to face the other side of the room as he felt embarrassed to face Adam. He closed his eyes and thought about what damage he had caused to their relationship. He regretted his stupid decision in offering Adam to have sex with him tonight. He hated himself so much for being so terribly dumb and thoughtless. He had wanted to make Adam happy but instead, he had inflicted more hurt onto Adam. He shut his eyes tighter and will himself to sleep. He was probably too tired; emotionally drained that he fell asleep before Adam got out of the shower.
…………………………………………………………………………………
The black shiny heavily tinted car.
They always send a black car. Why do they always send a black car? Kris thought to himself as he watched the car pulled up their driveway. Kris turned around and stepped away from the entrance when he heard shuffling sound coming from the stairs.
Adam was dressed casually but he still looked sleek and good. As he reached the hall, he put on his favorite black leather jacket, picked up his keys and slung his laptop bag over his head.
Kris pursed his lips before saying, “The car is here.”
“Uh huh …..I know.” When Adam was done with his shoes, he stood up and walked up to close the distance between them.
“Cam told me I’ll be away for three weeks. Baby, will you be okay here?” Adam said softly.
“I’ll be fine,” Kris replied with a smile. In his mind, he wondered what he would do without Adam in the house with him. He wanted to tell Adam that he was not fine, that he wanted to be with him 24/7 and not having to sleep on their massively large bed at night by himself. But Adam wanted this break and if Adam was happy, then he would just let him. Knowing that he had caused Adam enough heartache and misery, he had sworn to himself to put Adam’s happiness first.
Kris continued, determined to assure Adam, “Don’t worry about me. You go ahead and have fun. Besides, I would be spending loads of time in the studio.” Kris swallowed hard and as he looked up at Adam, his brown eyes moist. The tears are threatening but he held back.
“Okay. Just promise me to take care of yourself. Eat more and don’t push yourself too hard in the studio. I’ll call you, k?”
“Okay.” Kris forced a smile again.
Adam pulled him into his broad chest and wrapped his arms around him. He hugged him firmly for a long time before letting go.
“Bye Kris.”
Kris struggled to keep his voice steady but he managed to say, “Bye, Adam.”
Adam turned towards the entrance to leave but turned back around almost immediately. He cupped Kris’ face with one hand and kissed him on the lips. It was quick but it was passionate. Then, Adam turned around and walked out of the house.
As Kris watched Adam disappeared inside the car, he stopped holding back the tears. He let them flow freely. He closed the entrance door, turned around to lean against it and cried even more. He didn’t know why he was crying because it’s not like Adam would be gone forever. He just had a niggling feeling that things would be different between them after their break. He just didn’t know how or why.