blandkind, oops, i mean mankind.
everything has been setting in lately. pupil cloud faucets pour ocean-watered salt tears down glazed over rain cloud eyes, and it's all that has been catching my attention. it's almost like nothing that has mattered to me before will ever matter again: emotion, names, image, vanity, girls, love, everything, even music. everything has been fading away, but not getting darker, getting dull. it's all in plain view and it seems that if i tried, truly i could grasp it. i used to see and hear these things, beautiful things that would make me feel and make me happy, even sad, but now, they just roll and entwine me deeper in the bed sheets of my life that i'm tangled in. i used to dream about sleeping, and it was my escape, now when i sleep it feels like i'm doing it like a chore, a chore that i'm just doing to go through the motions. i used to have thoughts that i impressed myself with that would come to me while day dreaming, and i would write them down on my hand so i wouldn't forget. now, if anything comes to me while day dreaming, if you can even call it dreaming anymore, is a head ache.i just end up thinking myself into a corner and i put my head down and hope to shut down. but i just can't. music used to be the highlight of my day, my life. i used to listen to these songs and they would inspire me, inspire me to do things that made me feel like i've accomplished something. but have i really? what have i accomplished in creation. am i creating to express myself and show that i'm a person, not a machine, a person who can actually feel something, or am i creating to create. as i think about it, i'm not sure if either is bad or if they both are.or maybe they just are the same, because you know creating is creating, no matter what. to create to create, seems to me you're proving you can, but to do it to prove you feel, but everyone can feel. no matter where you are doing, sleeping, writing, running, any-fucking-thing you're still feeling. and you know, maybe that's all life really is, maybe life is just the way you illustrate your feelings, and right now, i don't think i know how to anymore.