~65th Dance~
[Mostly Private]
Sebastian says that when I'm upset, I should talk to my father. If I can't do that, write my thoughts on paper. So these are my thoughts, every last bit.
It feels so strange to be in a city again. So much to do, and none of it's allowed. When father is working, I wander about outside, sometimes I pass by the places that I used to go. The people there remember me, and invite me in.
"Lili, love, you left your gloves the last time you were here, can you believe it's been since Christmas? I held onto them for you, and washed the blood off, come on in and I'll set you up with a drink and a tussle," said Monsieur Bachant. He's a bookie, he does the odds. He does them wrong on purpose a lot, he thinks it's cute to trick them into thinking I'm fragile and then stealing their money. But it's fine, he has four children to support.
I said, "No, thank you, that's quite alright, you can keep them."
But it felt wrong. It was supposed to feel right, like I'm winning. Except that I don't know what I'm fighting against, and if I did, I would stop, because I'm not supposed to do that anymore. I haven't in six weeks. No punches, no kicks, no bruises or bumps or cuts or scrapes or sleep. It's fantastic, it really is, I don't spend half as much money on concealer. It's such a unique experience, being anxious, I never used to worry about what was going to happen tomorrow, because I could do what I wanted and it wouldn't matter. Fascinating! I'm learning so much, being the girl everyone always dreamed I would be.
The point is, everyone will smile now, and the unpleasantness will pass.
[/Private]
I'm in Paris with my father. I've missed it here, it's so beautiful! In a few days, I'll be back home for good, he just has work to finish up first. We're having a big family event over the Easter weekend, the entire extended family is coming. I haven't seen many of them in years, so I'm very much looking forward to it.
I hope the rest of you are having just as lovely a time as I am.