Donna Defined
It's icy and white outside, and it's freezing and wonderful. I have hot chocolate and cold toes and a draft from my window. The cold makes me feel alive. My nose turns bright red and my ears go numb and my fingers and toes sting and it all just makes my heart beat that much more. In fact, I'm kind of glad that my family decided to hold Christmas until this weekend (my brother was working as the pianist on a cruise and we waited for him to get back) because now we'll have snow and ice and actual cold weather and it will feel even more like Christmas.
I started my classes today (I didn't manage to get back to Norman in time for my classes yesterday).
Playwriting is going to be about how I expected it to be...with one exception..........every Monday we have to have our work read out loud by the class. There are only 6 people in the class, and Kae pointed out to everyone that I'm younger than the rest of them, so that was somewhat embarrassing. And then she brought up that I define myself as a writer, so I felt even more singled out...
*sigh*
I just don't know how I'll do with this. I can do creative writing and poetry and research papers and letters and short stories like nobody's business. I can create characters with fantastic backgrounds and creatures with neat abilities. But dialogue? I've never really been good at writing dialogue...
I can even write monologues.
Well, it will prove interesting at any rate. First assignment is due Monday...we're supposed to write a 5 page scene based on a conversation that we "overhear" (meaning eavesdrop on people this week/weekend).
I figured out today while talking to Paul Evans and Michael Cole that I've reached a new point of maturity (well, re-discovered a level of maturity and confidence that I lost right before college) recently. I do not owe explanations for things to anybody. For example: I'm repeating the same jazz class that I took last semester. I'm sure most of the students in there assume that it's because I needed to stay in this level, but the fact of the matter is that Jazz II conflicted with my playwriting class. But I don't even need to bother explaining that to people. Let them think whatever they want...my reasons are my own. It really goes for anything I do now. I don't have to answer to the people around me. I never felt like I had to work for respect before, so why should I now just because I'm in college?
I'll continue to be me. I won't work any less hard just because I'm not trying to impress people, because the truth is that I never worked hard for other people. I always worked hard for me. To impress myself. I think that the source of how miserable I was in my last acting class and the reason that I ultimately felt like a failure in that class is because I let my "success" be determined by how others perceived me (and my work).
I allowed that to distract me from doing what would have felt better for me. As a result I was thoroughly miserable in the class, felt completely inadequate, and ultimately failed in my own eyes (even if my grade didn't say so).
I don't have anything to prove. Really. I will improve myself and my craft in my own way, because that's the only way I'll be satisfied as an artist.
After a year and a half of feeling incapable, I'm able to call myself an artist again, and adhere to my own standards.
And I'm proud of that.
I started my classes today (I didn't manage to get back to Norman in time for my classes yesterday).
Playwriting is going to be about how I expected it to be...with one exception..........every Monday we have to have our work read out loud by the class. There are only 6 people in the class, and Kae pointed out to everyone that I'm younger than the rest of them, so that was somewhat embarrassing. And then she brought up that I define myself as a writer, so I felt even more singled out...
*sigh*
I just don't know how I'll do with this. I can do creative writing and poetry and research papers and letters and short stories like nobody's business. I can create characters with fantastic backgrounds and creatures with neat abilities. But dialogue? I've never really been good at writing dialogue...
I can even write monologues.
Well, it will prove interesting at any rate. First assignment is due Monday...we're supposed to write a 5 page scene based on a conversation that we "overhear" (meaning eavesdrop on people this week/weekend).
I figured out today while talking to Paul Evans and Michael Cole that I've reached a new point of maturity (well, re-discovered a level of maturity and confidence that I lost right before college) recently. I do not owe explanations for things to anybody. For example: I'm repeating the same jazz class that I took last semester. I'm sure most of the students in there assume that it's because I needed to stay in this level, but the fact of the matter is that Jazz II conflicted with my playwriting class. But I don't even need to bother explaining that to people. Let them think whatever they want...my reasons are my own. It really goes for anything I do now. I don't have to answer to the people around me. I never felt like I had to work for respect before, so why should I now just because I'm in college?
I'll continue to be me. I won't work any less hard just because I'm not trying to impress people, because the truth is that I never worked hard for other people. I always worked hard for me. To impress myself. I think that the source of how miserable I was in my last acting class and the reason that I ultimately felt like a failure in that class is because I let my "success" be determined by how others perceived me (and my work).
I allowed that to distract me from doing what would have felt better for me. As a result I was thoroughly miserable in the class, felt completely inadequate, and ultimately failed in my own eyes (even if my grade didn't say so).
I don't have anything to prove. Really. I will improve myself and my craft in my own way, because that's the only way I'll be satisfied as an artist.
After a year and a half of feeling incapable, I'm able to call myself an artist again, and adhere to my own standards.
And I'm proud of that.