(no subject)
Very tired. In lots of agonizing girly-pain. Waiting for the doctor to call and tell me whether or not I'll be having things removed from my body.
Wish they would just call already. It's making me nervous, anxious, irritable.
I'll be taking a shower once I get home... I definately need a shower. I have to wash off my skin and hair and get rid of this scent stuck on me.
I miss too many people that I shouldn't, and I don't appreciate those that are around me.
Maybe if I become a hermit-- I'll miss everyone, and then I won't feel the need to overcompensate on those that I do not miss at all.
Socialogy is... common sense. I'm hungry- I need to go home, inject a needle into my thigh, then eat something. At five o'clock I have to go to work. And pretend to care about what other people want with their food. Or life. Or whichever.
I remember this one time, I was working the register, ringing this woman up- and she said to me, " Yea, all this food is for my mother- she's in the hospital." *gives me meaningful eyes* As if I give a flying fuck about what ever you 'think' is going on in your life. I don't. Seriously. I don't care if you forgot to get sour cream on the side. I don't fucking care if you broke your cup and need a new one. You are a human being. you are not helpless. You should be able to realize that your meal will not be ruined if I don't smile at you while I get monetary compensation from you in exchange for food that I have made for you.
Izzo's. My curse and my blessing. My job, and my home away from home. Everyone is leaving now though. I get the feeling I'll be one of the oldest workers there soon. Not age wise, but experience.
I miss biscuit. I do. It was weird seeing him again, but at the same time, it was right. I have no idea how he feels about me anymore-- but I feel like... maybe we could be friends again. We are friends again, I think. On days, like today, I am reminded of how happy I used to be. How driven and completely unoccupied I was.
What's the point of life for me now? Get through college, get a better job.
Why?
What's the point? What reason do I have to continue living the... non-driven life. I've examined my life. The un-examined life is not worth living. But after I finished this reflection, I've come to the realization that I do not know where I'm going. And that most of the relationships I have made with other people- have no future with me.
No future- nothing to go on. Simply a fling of fun, possibly just a distracting box that causes slight enjoyment now and again.
Fuck... I'm in a lot of pain right now. I wish I had medication to make this go away. Seriously- I could use a prescription power drug at the moment.
But I digress. There was no point to this rant. There is no point to anything right now.
I realized some time ago, that almost all of my entries begin with the word: So.
As in: So today I... So, what do you... So, I think that.... and -SO- on.
Now to be annoying, even to myself:
So, I'm going to this belly dance workshop in Gulf Coast on March 31st. I am actually really excited and looking forward to this. I want to be so much better than I am right now. I need to practice and work and get all the tutalige that I need to become something worth watching.
Funny thing about my hobby- is that my sister is much more involved in belly dancing, but I have far more assortments of belly dancing jewelery and clothing. Handflowers, hipscarves, harem pants, head dress, coin belt, anklet-- scarves. She is amazing. My sister.
She makes her own costumes- sews them all by hand. her skirts, pants, tops. Amazing. Beautiful. Driven. I wish I was more like her a lot of the time. She's got so much going for her. She knows what she wants in life. No matter what shit has gone on in her life, she takes it in stride and gets over it. She takes it and makes it her bitch. She becomes so much more than the problems she faces. I wish I was more like her. I do not know how I would survive in my house without her. I don't know how I would survive without her, period.
Friday night I went to Mandy's house and had some champagne, sangria, blush wine, sushi, and then to top it off, some chocolate devil cake. Hells yea. I also finally got to truly know this girl, Lacy- apparently we have way more in common than I ever thought we did. We both like yaoi manga, ashwinder, slash, sushi, comedy, same sense of humor and such. We even fooled around with the same guy-- at different times of course.
I need to move out of my house soon. It's not that I hate my parents- most of the time. Its that I feel like they do not accept my lifestyle. I smoke, I like older men, I'm eccentric...
It was highly amusing to me, when I realized that no matter how much my parents teased me about liking older me, they never really believed that I was serious. My mother would say things like- "oh, look how attractive that guy is over there- wait, he's a bit young for you, *wink" Until they realized that I really did find older men attractive... they were fine with it. When they realized that I was being serious... they got serious too.
For a while, I was looking for a younger guy- just to placate them into thinking it was just a... fluke. I think I have convinced them of that. Truth of the matter is, I just love men. Older, younger, middle aged, I'm attracted to who ever the hell I'm attracted to. I don't have a type, I just know. 19, 23, 28, 32, 35, 60... If he's intelligent, sophisticated... charming... funny, and even better, a geek- then hells yea, sign me up! Speaks another language? oh dios mio! Financially stable? oh, goodie gumdrops! Doesn't want to play stupid mind games? yay!
Oh my. so... I do believe I shall end this rather long entry here. Just now.
okay, I'm serious this time.
No, really. I am.
Buy. God dammit!
B-Y-E!
Wish they would just call already. It's making me nervous, anxious, irritable.
I'll be taking a shower once I get home... I definately need a shower. I have to wash off my skin and hair and get rid of this scent stuck on me.
I miss too many people that I shouldn't, and I don't appreciate those that are around me.
Maybe if I become a hermit-- I'll miss everyone, and then I won't feel the need to overcompensate on those that I do not miss at all.
Socialogy is... common sense. I'm hungry- I need to go home, inject a needle into my thigh, then eat something. At five o'clock I have to go to work. And pretend to care about what other people want with their food. Or life. Or whichever.
I remember this one time, I was working the register, ringing this woman up- and she said to me, " Yea, all this food is for my mother- she's in the hospital." *gives me meaningful eyes* As if I give a flying fuck about what ever you 'think' is going on in your life. I don't. Seriously. I don't care if you forgot to get sour cream on the side. I don't fucking care if you broke your cup and need a new one. You are a human being. you are not helpless. You should be able to realize that your meal will not be ruined if I don't smile at you while I get monetary compensation from you in exchange for food that I have made for you.
Izzo's. My curse and my blessing. My job, and my home away from home. Everyone is leaving now though. I get the feeling I'll be one of the oldest workers there soon. Not age wise, but experience.
I miss biscuit. I do. It was weird seeing him again, but at the same time, it was right. I have no idea how he feels about me anymore-- but I feel like... maybe we could be friends again. We are friends again, I think. On days, like today, I am reminded of how happy I used to be. How driven and completely unoccupied I was.
What's the point of life for me now? Get through college, get a better job.
Why?
What's the point? What reason do I have to continue living the... non-driven life. I've examined my life. The un-examined life is not worth living. But after I finished this reflection, I've come to the realization that I do not know where I'm going. And that most of the relationships I have made with other people- have no future with me.
No future- nothing to go on. Simply a fling of fun, possibly just a distracting box that causes slight enjoyment now and again.
Fuck... I'm in a lot of pain right now. I wish I had medication to make this go away. Seriously- I could use a prescription power drug at the moment.
But I digress. There was no point to this rant. There is no point to anything right now.
I realized some time ago, that almost all of my entries begin with the word: So.
As in: So today I... So, what do you... So, I think that.... and -SO- on.
Now to be annoying, even to myself:
So, I'm going to this belly dance workshop in Gulf Coast on March 31st. I am actually really excited and looking forward to this. I want to be so much better than I am right now. I need to practice and work and get all the tutalige that I need to become something worth watching.
Funny thing about my hobby- is that my sister is much more involved in belly dancing, but I have far more assortments of belly dancing jewelery and clothing. Handflowers, hipscarves, harem pants, head dress, coin belt, anklet-- scarves. She is amazing. My sister.
She makes her own costumes- sews them all by hand. her skirts, pants, tops. Amazing. Beautiful. Driven. I wish I was more like her a lot of the time. She's got so much going for her. She knows what she wants in life. No matter what shit has gone on in her life, she takes it in stride and gets over it. She takes it and makes it her bitch. She becomes so much more than the problems she faces. I wish I was more like her. I do not know how I would survive in my house without her. I don't know how I would survive without her, period.
Friday night I went to Mandy's house and had some champagne, sangria, blush wine, sushi, and then to top it off, some chocolate devil cake. Hells yea. I also finally got to truly know this girl, Lacy- apparently we have way more in common than I ever thought we did. We both like yaoi manga, ashwinder, slash, sushi, comedy, same sense of humor and such. We even fooled around with the same guy-- at different times of course.
I need to move out of my house soon. It's not that I hate my parents- most of the time. Its that I feel like they do not accept my lifestyle. I smoke, I like older men, I'm eccentric...
It was highly amusing to me, when I realized that no matter how much my parents teased me about liking older me, they never really believed that I was serious. My mother would say things like- "oh, look how attractive that guy is over there- wait, he's a bit young for you, *wink" Until they realized that I really did find older men attractive... they were fine with it. When they realized that I was being serious... they got serious too.
For a while, I was looking for a younger guy- just to placate them into thinking it was just a... fluke. I think I have convinced them of that. Truth of the matter is, I just love men. Older, younger, middle aged, I'm attracted to who ever the hell I'm attracted to. I don't have a type, I just know. 19, 23, 28, 32, 35, 60... If he's intelligent, sophisticated... charming... funny, and even better, a geek- then hells yea, sign me up! Speaks another language? oh dios mio! Financially stable? oh, goodie gumdrops! Doesn't want to play stupid mind games? yay!
Oh my. so... I do believe I shall end this rather long entry here. Just now.
okay, I'm serious this time.
No, really. I am.
Buy. God dammit!
B-Y-E!