What do you do when you look in the mirror and staring right back is why he's not there?
What do you say when everything's said
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
Yesterday wasn't exactly a good day.
It was payday, so of course i started off shopping. Grocery shopping that is. Seems there isn't a lot of time or money for the fun kind anymore.
Well, it was supposed to start of shopping. That was happening around noon... when did i get up? 6. That's right, i was up at six on my day off. There isn't a lot to do that early when you don't have to get ready for work.
I called Dan to make sure he got up for school on time. Which.. is a bit of an issue right now. I'll digress for a moment. I feel like a mom.. or an overprotective wife. Given the situation, the second analogy may be a better one to go with. I was so nervous/excited for him on his first day and since then i find myself worrying on the mornings when i'm not responsible for waking him up. But i almost think it may be for a more selfish reason than i'm willing to admit. There are certain things that i can't imagine doing without him there to help. I know I'll get over that eventually.. but for now it's there. And i like to be conceded and believe that he shares those feelings for me. That there are certain things that he needs me to help him with. Now... every morning for the last couple of months, i have been calling him to make sure he gets up. I wasn't obsessive about it, but the mornings that i didn't call he didn't get up and was late for work... so that means to me that it's needed and appreciated. And lately there's more and more mornings when he's not alone and he doesn't want me to call him. Which, is understandable... but it makes me feel bad. Which, in and of itself makes me feel bad because it shows me that i truly do wake him up for selfish reasons. The main one being that if i get to talk to him in the morning, it makes me incredibly happy and puts me in a good mood for the rest of the day.
SO... i think that subconciously, that is why i woke up so early yesterday. Before, when it was for work i would instinctively wake up at 8 on my days off so i could call him. clearly, the same thing is already happening on the mornings when he should be getting up at 6,
Not a good thing.
Back to yesterday.
I had nothing to do when i finally decided to give up on sleep around 7. so, since it was payday i figured i would pay some bills from the convienence of home. So, i did. Ugh. I spent a hell of a lot of money on bills... well, i'd like to blame it on bills. Truth is, that was only about $200.00 bucks. The rest? I discovered the Vicctoria's secret catalog online. Yep.. i bought pretty things for myself.
Then... i ate an egg and watched some Dawson's Creek. You know that there's two full hours of it on on weekday mornings? Pretty cool. Oh, i bought some cigarettes during a commercial break in the first hour. Yes... i should have been cleaning my apartment, but i didn't want to. I called the pharmacy to get a refill filled so it would be waiting for me.
Pretty interesting, eh? well... there's more!!!
So far so good. My head started to hurt a little bit but it really wasn't troubling me yet.
Dan called me on his break and we chatted for a bit.. it was pretty fun. Except we started talking about... umm, other things. Which is fun, but really makes me want to do bad things. We had plans to go shopping for jeans when he was done school, and (for about the third time) i mentioned that he should come over and watch Joey with me... since we hadn't done that in a long time. He didn't answer me and he had to run 'cause Megan was there to meet him for lunch.
At quater to 12 mom picked me up so we could go to the doctor (i can't bitch about getting the shot 'cause it's better than remembering to take the damn pills) and get some shopping done. Almost immediatly when i got in the car the headache was getting worse. We've kind of gotten to the point where there's really no small talk anymore. We don't do the "how are you? how was your day?" stuff. She basically starts talking as soon as i sit down. which... i normally wouldn't complain about because she's listened to me for 21 years. Or... some of those anyways. But the problem with it now is that being in a very small, enclosed space, like a car, with a woman who talks very loudly and joviantly... it does not do good things for my head. At all.
so, we went to Costco... with my brand new Costco card. did some very pointless shopping (i've never been so irritated with that place before) and THEN, when i went to pay, i forgot to use the damn gift card that i had in my pocket so i ended up spending $70.00 there and didn't even realise my mistake until we got to Wal-Mart (which we had to go to to get all the things that Costco didn't have). Which really made me believe that the headaches actually are stress related 'cause it was hurting so badly through Wal-Mart that i was leaning on the cart for support and depending on my mother to lead me around.
It was pretty much worse than it's ever been and the worse part was that Dan wasn't there to make me feel better. So i sent him a message saying that when he got a chance he should tell me how much he loves me 'cause it would make me feel better. Which.. he did, sort of. I was really looking forward to spending time with him though 'cause he really does make it feel better. Just by being there.
Mom and i went and dropped all my purchases off at home and then she was gonna drop me off at NAIT to meet him. But.. on the way there, he sends me a message saying that he has to be back downtown by 8... which meant he was meeting Jenelle. Which.. sort of made me a little upset just because i'd asked him several times to come over and hadn't ever gotten an actual answer from him. It was alright though. We were gonna do some shopping then go to my place for some dinner. Realistically.. the dinner was a ploy. I've been feeling so damn alone lately. Every moment of the day it just seems like there's no one there. And i really wasn't looking forward to the walk home alone. So i figured if i could convince him with the promise of food that he would come and keep me company, at least for an hour. And he said he would. We ended up eating at the mall.. so dinner was out, but he said he would still come over for a bit.. which made me extatic.
His knee started to hurt though. Really badly, when we were walking around. Now... that i can understand. He decided finally that he wanted to go to the doctor and of course i said i would go with him.. i owed him for that night he went with me.. even though he spent the whole time going back and forth between playing on his laptop and text messaging Jenelle. I didn't even think that that would mean we wouldn't be hanging out at home though. We sat in the waiting room for a while and when he went in to see the doctor i went over to shoppers to get some stuff for him. Yep.. i spent more money and none of it was for me. We got out shortly after seven... which would meant that we would still have nearly an hour to hang out until he had to meet her... but no. She decided to leave work early so our visit was cut short.
so, i made the cold walk home and basically collapsed when i got there. I so wanted to stay up to watch Joey alone, but apparently i fell asleep.
And i can't get it out of my head that Jenelle and Megan BOTH seem to think that i don't treat Dan very well. ME. I make sure he wakes up in the morning.. i bring him lunch every day and even when i go shopping i get things that are clearly for him. And i don't hold any of it over his head. Yes, i may expect something back from time to time, but when that doesn't happen i don't flip out. Well.. i don't anymore. I used to but i've taken a somewhat more apathetic view of things with him. Which is saddening because even when i looked at the rest of the world like that.. he was the only thing in the world i actually cared about.
Wow... i'm sure i don't want to read over that, so i'm just gonna post without reading it. good luck.
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
Yesterday wasn't exactly a good day.
It was payday, so of course i started off shopping. Grocery shopping that is. Seems there isn't a lot of time or money for the fun kind anymore.
Well, it was supposed to start of shopping. That was happening around noon... when did i get up? 6. That's right, i was up at six on my day off. There isn't a lot to do that early when you don't have to get ready for work.
I called Dan to make sure he got up for school on time. Which.. is a bit of an issue right now. I'll digress for a moment. I feel like a mom.. or an overprotective wife. Given the situation, the second analogy may be a better one to go with. I was so nervous/excited for him on his first day and since then i find myself worrying on the mornings when i'm not responsible for waking him up. But i almost think it may be for a more selfish reason than i'm willing to admit. There are certain things that i can't imagine doing without him there to help. I know I'll get over that eventually.. but for now it's there. And i like to be conceded and believe that he shares those feelings for me. That there are certain things that he needs me to help him with. Now... every morning for the last couple of months, i have been calling him to make sure he gets up. I wasn't obsessive about it, but the mornings that i didn't call he didn't get up and was late for work... so that means to me that it's needed and appreciated. And lately there's more and more mornings when he's not alone and he doesn't want me to call him. Which, is understandable... but it makes me feel bad. Which, in and of itself makes me feel bad because it shows me that i truly do wake him up for selfish reasons. The main one being that if i get to talk to him in the morning, it makes me incredibly happy and puts me in a good mood for the rest of the day.
SO... i think that subconciously, that is why i woke up so early yesterday. Before, when it was for work i would instinctively wake up at 8 on my days off so i could call him. clearly, the same thing is already happening on the mornings when he should be getting up at 6,
Not a good thing.
Back to yesterday.
I had nothing to do when i finally decided to give up on sleep around 7. so, since it was payday i figured i would pay some bills from the convienence of home. So, i did. Ugh. I spent a hell of a lot of money on bills... well, i'd like to blame it on bills. Truth is, that was only about $200.00 bucks. The rest? I discovered the Vicctoria's secret catalog online. Yep.. i bought pretty things for myself.
Then... i ate an egg and watched some Dawson's Creek. You know that there's two full hours of it on on weekday mornings? Pretty cool. Oh, i bought some cigarettes during a commercial break in the first hour. Yes... i should have been cleaning my apartment, but i didn't want to. I called the pharmacy to get a refill filled so it would be waiting for me.
Pretty interesting, eh? well... there's more!!!
So far so good. My head started to hurt a little bit but it really wasn't troubling me yet.
Dan called me on his break and we chatted for a bit.. it was pretty fun. Except we started talking about... umm, other things. Which is fun, but really makes me want to do bad things. We had plans to go shopping for jeans when he was done school, and (for about the third time) i mentioned that he should come over and watch Joey with me... since we hadn't done that in a long time. He didn't answer me and he had to run 'cause Megan was there to meet him for lunch.
At quater to 12 mom picked me up so we could go to the doctor (i can't bitch about getting the shot 'cause it's better than remembering to take the damn pills) and get some shopping done. Almost immediatly when i got in the car the headache was getting worse. We've kind of gotten to the point where there's really no small talk anymore. We don't do the "how are you? how was your day?" stuff. She basically starts talking as soon as i sit down. which... i normally wouldn't complain about because she's listened to me for 21 years. Or... some of those anyways. But the problem with it now is that being in a very small, enclosed space, like a car, with a woman who talks very loudly and joviantly... it does not do good things for my head. At all.
so, we went to Costco... with my brand new Costco card. did some very pointless shopping (i've never been so irritated with that place before) and THEN, when i went to pay, i forgot to use the damn gift card that i had in my pocket so i ended up spending $70.00 there and didn't even realise my mistake until we got to Wal-Mart (which we had to go to to get all the things that Costco didn't have). Which really made me believe that the headaches actually are stress related 'cause it was hurting so badly through Wal-Mart that i was leaning on the cart for support and depending on my mother to lead me around.
It was pretty much worse than it's ever been and the worse part was that Dan wasn't there to make me feel better. So i sent him a message saying that when he got a chance he should tell me how much he loves me 'cause it would make me feel better. Which.. he did, sort of. I was really looking forward to spending time with him though 'cause he really does make it feel better. Just by being there.
Mom and i went and dropped all my purchases off at home and then she was gonna drop me off at NAIT to meet him. But.. on the way there, he sends me a message saying that he has to be back downtown by 8... which meant he was meeting Jenelle. Which.. sort of made me a little upset just because i'd asked him several times to come over and hadn't ever gotten an actual answer from him. It was alright though. We were gonna do some shopping then go to my place for some dinner. Realistically.. the dinner was a ploy. I've been feeling so damn alone lately. Every moment of the day it just seems like there's no one there. And i really wasn't looking forward to the walk home alone. So i figured if i could convince him with the promise of food that he would come and keep me company, at least for an hour. And he said he would. We ended up eating at the mall.. so dinner was out, but he said he would still come over for a bit.. which made me extatic.
His knee started to hurt though. Really badly, when we were walking around. Now... that i can understand. He decided finally that he wanted to go to the doctor and of course i said i would go with him.. i owed him for that night he went with me.. even though he spent the whole time going back and forth between playing on his laptop and text messaging Jenelle. I didn't even think that that would mean we wouldn't be hanging out at home though. We sat in the waiting room for a while and when he went in to see the doctor i went over to shoppers to get some stuff for him. Yep.. i spent more money and none of it was for me. We got out shortly after seven... which would meant that we would still have nearly an hour to hang out until he had to meet her... but no. She decided to leave work early so our visit was cut short.
so, i made the cold walk home and basically collapsed when i got there. I so wanted to stay up to watch Joey alone, but apparently i fell asleep.
And i can't get it out of my head that Jenelle and Megan BOTH seem to think that i don't treat Dan very well. ME. I make sure he wakes up in the morning.. i bring him lunch every day and even when i go shopping i get things that are clearly for him. And i don't hold any of it over his head. Yes, i may expect something back from time to time, but when that doesn't happen i don't flip out. Well.. i don't anymore. I used to but i've taken a somewhat more apathetic view of things with him. Which is saddening because even when i looked at the rest of the world like that.. he was the only thing in the world i actually cared about.
Wow... i'm sure i don't want to read over that, so i'm just gonna post without reading it. good luck.