Dec 04, 2004 20:31
i'm not happy by any means. I'm really trying to stay positive and not think so negatively about everything, but i can't.
There isn't a lot that makes me smile anymore. There aren't a lot of places that i can go at work that don't make me thing about the bad things. Seems like every time i turn around there's a face that reminds me of what's happened and what's still happening.
Natalie's convinced that he loves me. That once he's done with all this experimenting he'll remember what we had and want it back. That he's keeping me around because he knows it will happen.
Personally, i doubt it. There's too many things that have happened that make me think otherwise.
I'm scared right now though. I'm scared of being tossed aside when they decide to give it a try... And i'm terrified that they might be able to make it work.
I've been trying to find ways to keep my mind occupied. Steve is a decent distraction. It helps that he's in another country right now, so he can't see what a mess i actually am. But he's still great to talk to and really good looking. He doesn't come home until February though.
Today was terrifying though. Dan and i were walking into work and we heard the security guard fall off his chair. This guy has a tendency to fall asleep at the desk, so i figured he fell asleep and fell out of his chair. He didn't get up though... i looked over the counter and he was lying on the ground having a ceizure. There were three or four of us there who kinda held him and made sure he didn't die before the paramedics got there...
That's not the kind of person i am though. I freak out and have an anxiety attack in the corner when things like that happen. I don't get right in there and tell OTHER people what to do... i know it's about Alex, not me... but i was proud of myself. I really was.
I was scared though. And i know i'll have dreams about his face.
I think Dan thinks i'm over reacting, but i still wish he was here. Tonight is going to be hard, i don't care if i'm over reacting or not... i saw a man's eyes roll all the way back into his head and truly thought he was going to die while i held him. I wish Dan could be here to hold me tonight. I really don't want to be alone. At all.