Life sucks
God I just had one of the crappiest days ever. I'm usually a very upbeat, positive person. But today really hit me hard. Plus, I usually keep most stuff inside even when I'm hurt cause I don't like bothering people with my problems. It wasn't just one thing, but a string of things all at once that left me sobbing for hours and contemplating how great dying would be. I'd never really kill myself, but the thought of not waking up tomorrow to have to face all this shit just seems peaceful. As quoted from a song from one of my fav bands, "Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops". I won't pull the trigger, but I wish there was another way to make the nightmare that is my life stop. I feel ungrateful, cause I have it so much better than so many people, and I'm really lucky to have everything I do.
Justin came over and starting telling me about how I should have more fun, telling me all I do is go to work and then hang out with my friends sometimes. It made me recognize how lame my life kind of is, and how I just ignore it cause I can't face that truth. Truth is, all I do is go to a job five days a week with no upward mobility to save money for law school. I don't even want to go back to school all that much, but I feel like I have to because thirty grand a year (before fucking taxes) is not a salary one can easily survive off of nowadays. Most of my friends have moved away, with most of my social life revolving around Marina, Kyle, Justin, Anita, and occasionally another friend here or there. But nothing is changing, my life just stays the same. And I realized how boring it is. I'll keep doing this routine for a year and half, probably go back to school, be thousands and thousands of dollars in debt, and then what? I get to work 70 hours a week as an attorney? I don't know what else to do, I don't really have any particular skills or training in anything. I hate uncertainty and doubt, and I'm fucking filled to the brim with it right now.
When I got home from work, I went to my friend Megan's new blog page. She is a friend from high school who I hung out with alot, but lives in New York now. I visited her there last year. We haven't kept in close in touch as I would have liked, but shes 2000 miles away, and has a new boyfriend, so you know how that goes. Anyhoo, I got all excited because she had a pic up of the two of us from when I visited her last year. My heart broke as I read the caption below: "A decent picture of me, but uber bitch is in it". A person added a comment of "Who is that nasty blonde whore?" Lovely, huh? I kept thinking over and over again what I could have done to made her hate me so much. I mean, we hadn't even seen eachother since summer when she came back to LA. I try to care about stupid shit like what other people think about me, ya know the whole 'if you dont like me, well fuck you' attitude. But I can't pull that off with friends and people I care about. So for a friend and a person I had really admired, liked, and respected to say that about me really hurt.
Then lastly, I went on LJ after Justin left and saw how horrible Marina felt. I felt like absolute shit seeing her feel that way, and I was upset cause I couldn't call her as I didn't read the journals until around midnight. I am utterly depressed about not being able to go on our trip. And not totally for the obvious reasons. Of course, I am sad about actually not getting to go, I've been daydreaming of tropical beaches for the last few months. The fact that made me the saddest, was the fact that I had made this trip into something I NEEDED, not simply WANTED. I hate my day to day life so much, I relied on this as something to look forward to, to help me forget my daily boring existence. The thought of it was almost like a drug, made me high and happy and helped me get through. On bad days I'd tell myself, just get through it you'll be in Maui soon. So the truly fucking sad thing is, I've been using this trip to get through life, it's basically what I've been living for. I even contemplated going alone now, but the image of me sitting on a beach all alone with no one to talk to just made me more depressed knowing it wouldn't be the same. I realized that it's getting to experience all the beauty there with another person and the memories and stories to you make there is what makes those trips so magical and special. Although, from what I read things don't look too promising for it, I'll be seeing Marina tomorrow to see if there's any hope in salvaging our trip, even if it has to be postphoned til autumn or something. Eventually would be better than never.
I'm gonna get to bed. I can't wait for this day of hell to be over. Hopefully, I will feel better tomorrow seeing Marina in person. Sorry for my LJ vent. I usually am not so public when things really get to me, but tonight I just couldn't take it.
Justin came over and starting telling me about how I should have more fun, telling me all I do is go to work and then hang out with my friends sometimes. It made me recognize how lame my life kind of is, and how I just ignore it cause I can't face that truth. Truth is, all I do is go to a job five days a week with no upward mobility to save money for law school. I don't even want to go back to school all that much, but I feel like I have to because thirty grand a year (before fucking taxes) is not a salary one can easily survive off of nowadays. Most of my friends have moved away, with most of my social life revolving around Marina, Kyle, Justin, Anita, and occasionally another friend here or there. But nothing is changing, my life just stays the same. And I realized how boring it is. I'll keep doing this routine for a year and half, probably go back to school, be thousands and thousands of dollars in debt, and then what? I get to work 70 hours a week as an attorney? I don't know what else to do, I don't really have any particular skills or training in anything. I hate uncertainty and doubt, and I'm fucking filled to the brim with it right now.
When I got home from work, I went to my friend Megan's new blog page. She is a friend from high school who I hung out with alot, but lives in New York now. I visited her there last year. We haven't kept in close in touch as I would have liked, but shes 2000 miles away, and has a new boyfriend, so you know how that goes. Anyhoo, I got all excited because she had a pic up of the two of us from when I visited her last year. My heart broke as I read the caption below: "A decent picture of me, but uber bitch is in it". A person added a comment of "Who is that nasty blonde whore?" Lovely, huh? I kept thinking over and over again what I could have done to made her hate me so much. I mean, we hadn't even seen eachother since summer when she came back to LA. I try to care about stupid shit like what other people think about me, ya know the whole 'if you dont like me, well fuck you' attitude. But I can't pull that off with friends and people I care about. So for a friend and a person I had really admired, liked, and respected to say that about me really hurt.
Then lastly, I went on LJ after Justin left and saw how horrible Marina felt. I felt like absolute shit seeing her feel that way, and I was upset cause I couldn't call her as I didn't read the journals until around midnight. I am utterly depressed about not being able to go on our trip. And not totally for the obvious reasons. Of course, I am sad about actually not getting to go, I've been daydreaming of tropical beaches for the last few months. The fact that made me the saddest, was the fact that I had made this trip into something I NEEDED, not simply WANTED. I hate my day to day life so much, I relied on this as something to look forward to, to help me forget my daily boring existence. The thought of it was almost like a drug, made me high and happy and helped me get through. On bad days I'd tell myself, just get through it you'll be in Maui soon. So the truly fucking sad thing is, I've been using this trip to get through life, it's basically what I've been living for. I even contemplated going alone now, but the image of me sitting on a beach all alone with no one to talk to just made me more depressed knowing it wouldn't be the same. I realized that it's getting to experience all the beauty there with another person and the memories and stories to you make there is what makes those trips so magical and special. Although, from what I read things don't look too promising for it, I'll be seeing Marina tomorrow to see if there's any hope in salvaging our trip, even if it has to be postphoned til autumn or something. Eventually would be better than never.
I'm gonna get to bed. I can't wait for this day of hell to be over. Hopefully, I will feel better tomorrow seeing Marina in person. Sorry for my LJ vent. I usually am not so public when things really get to me, but tonight I just couldn't take it.