Anthem of our dying day.
In therapy, one is advised to keep a journal. Writing is supposed to be one of the most effective ways of learning to help yourself and develop insight. I'd like to know, then, why I write for hours upon hours a day and am still as fucked up as I am?
"Monica had a mild case of depression which has many manifestations. It makes some young women sluggish and apathetic, others anry and hate-filled. Some girls manifest their depression by starving themselves or carving their bodies. Some withdraw and go deep into themselves, and some swallow pills. Others drink heavily or are promiscuous. Whatever the outward form of the depression, the inward form is the grieving for the lost self, the authentic girl who has disappeared with adolescence." -Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher
I almost found that funny. It's sardonic humor lies in the fact that mine manifests itself in all of them. It doesn't seem likely that one person could be able to mutilate theirself in so many ways and still hang on. But I'm doing more than merely hanging on; I'm thriving. In the past month I've been consistently elated, while still cutting, taking pills, doing drugs, drinking, skipping school, listening to angry music, and spending the night with boys I won't remember the names of in the morning. I lie all the time, I break every rule set for me, and even my teachers are starting to comment on my unruly behavior. Yet, I feel the best that I ever have in my entire life. Am I masking the depression, or is psychology just bullshit?
My self-confidence has grown exponentially. I've grown incredibly vein, although I'd like to think I haven't lost my sense of feminist ethics. I spend a ridiculous amount of time getting ready before I leave the house- straightening my hair; putting on my make up; picking out my clothes- but I've become really comfortable with myself. School has been put on the back burner because I don't think I've ever been so bored in my entire life. I skip class to hang out with Pat and discuss things like how fucked up the hegemonic society we live in is, or I ignore lectures to read my books on different political ideologies. I've finally just learned to say, Fuck it.
I just keep going and keep going and keep going. I'll be fine as long as I never stop.
"Monica had a mild case of depression which has many manifestations. It makes some young women sluggish and apathetic, others anry and hate-filled. Some girls manifest their depression by starving themselves or carving their bodies. Some withdraw and go deep into themselves, and some swallow pills. Others drink heavily or are promiscuous. Whatever the outward form of the depression, the inward form is the grieving for the lost self, the authentic girl who has disappeared with adolescence." -Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher
I almost found that funny. It's sardonic humor lies in the fact that mine manifests itself in all of them. It doesn't seem likely that one person could be able to mutilate theirself in so many ways and still hang on. But I'm doing more than merely hanging on; I'm thriving. In the past month I've been consistently elated, while still cutting, taking pills, doing drugs, drinking, skipping school, listening to angry music, and spending the night with boys I won't remember the names of in the morning. I lie all the time, I break every rule set for me, and even my teachers are starting to comment on my unruly behavior. Yet, I feel the best that I ever have in my entire life. Am I masking the depression, or is psychology just bullshit?
My self-confidence has grown exponentially. I've grown incredibly vein, although I'd like to think I haven't lost my sense of feminist ethics. I spend a ridiculous amount of time getting ready before I leave the house- straightening my hair; putting on my make up; picking out my clothes- but I've become really comfortable with myself. School has been put on the back burner because I don't think I've ever been so bored in my entire life. I skip class to hang out with Pat and discuss things like how fucked up the hegemonic society we live in is, or I ignore lectures to read my books on different political ideologies. I've finally just learned to say, Fuck it.
I just keep going and keep going and keep going. I'll be fine as long as I never stop.