you wouldn't understand but i almost hope you would.

Jul 15, 2006 05:30

yesterday. at ten i went down to the church to see what i had organized the night before. i called everyone i know to have them sing "to where you are" by josh groban at my mom's funeral. nearly everyone showed up, too, but i guess they weren't expecting me. i walked in and they all got quiet and i was like "geez say a few more words, guys," and hugged me a bonnie because i needed it. sang sang sang, went home. changed for the wake.

got my period yesterday, too. yeah, i rule.

the first wake was almost fun. isn't that terrible? i sat on the couch at the funeral home with bonnie and julie and laughed at stupid things i said and funny stories that they told about aiden, julie's son. then they left because mark was moving to school. kathy, steph and mike where there and i kinda did something i never dreamed i would. i talked to and gave a hug to steph. i guess she thought i was going to kick her out.

THE only thing that really killed me yesterday evening at my mom's wake was seeing peter and josh and josh. seeing peter (when i really didn't want to see him but i really wanted to see him because he's been like family for years). seeing one josh cry and cry (i haven't seen him do that in years) (i said i felt like dying and he said no) and the other say nothing with his face (when it's usually so full of words and smiles) (face like a slate) (i was just glad he was there) (i wanted to see him really badly. i knew that if i saw him i'd start crying and i did. kinda wanted to drag him off but thought my mom would kill me. i felt pretty special that he was there. i was hugging a line of people and wanted to skip everyone and go straight for him. said we're going camping again soon). that's the time that i cried the most, around them. i love that they came. i had wanted to see one josh tuesday night when i went on my hysterical walk. i'm kinda almost glad he works out of state during the week.

i want to say something today. i've kind of always wanted to do this. i can't think of anything to say and i can't write something down and say it. if i'm going to say something, it's going to be completely off the top of my head.

i'm debating boycotting coffee today. (that won't last very long.)

death, funerals, julie, say something, feel like dying, hugs, elton john, bonnie, coffee, steph, mom, church, josh, peter, fun, say something with your face, issues

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