My guide to hell!
I grew up in the church. A real church, not one of these Johnny-Cum-Lately feel good Jesus will help you with your internet business if you don't hang at the strip club churches, either. No way. A fire and brimstone church where the weekly sermon was one of two things: the Crucifizion or, "You're going to Hell if you don't change your evil fercked up ways, you gad-damn sinner!". Heck, I knew about the physics of scourging and the tortured ordeal of the Christ by the time I was in Kindergarten. Blood and fire. Yep, it was good times every sunday, and the Catholics have nothing on Southern Christian Fundamentalist guilt. I knew what would happen if I died in a state of sin before I found the Lord: Hell.
My mother explained it all to me one night after I was caught raping a pillow in a fit of adolescent hormonal fervor. Describing the awful place where my young horny ass was headed if I did not turn from my wicked ways:darkness, burning penile discharges, the Lake of Fire and anal invasions by demonic homo porn stars. It was all laid out for me that night as I lay there receiving holy retribution for evil sexual assualts against a helpless piece of fluffy linen. Good ol' Mom and that church made me the man I am today - a self-hating, nose-picking, nail chewing, toenail-pulling curmudgeon who despises the weak and lives to spit on compassion.
Needless to say, I've been thinking about hell for most of my life: the constant infusion of paranoia of God watching me eat my boogers, masturbate to online porn, steal booze from the local Quickie Mart, blah blah blah blah. It's damn unnerving. And frankly, that ever-present threat of eternal damnation can be a real cockstopper to the good times.But like a good old boy scout bung-holer, my motto is, "Bew prepared," and over the years I've tried to learn as much about this southern resort for the damned as possible. Not that it really matters in the long run. If you're going, you're going. So kiss your sorry ass goodbye and be prepared to burn.
Hell is a place designed by God to punish errant souls who have fallen from His path of goodness, and everyone knows the worst punishment next to a corncob ass bang is that dreaded "time out." Unfortunately for the damned, it lasts an eternity and we don't get to just sit in the corner forever, either. Nope, this place was created to make us miserable. Constant eternal darkness with consuming unquenchable flames eating at you, the rustle of leather wings as demons flay your skin and pullout intestines via the butthole express while shitting down your screaming, fire-scorched throat. All this accompanied by the not-so-subtle sounds from billions of other unlucky souls who turned from the light, copped a feel on Suzy Slutslit while she was sleeping off a drunk, or jerked off to a playboy while dropping turds on a lunch break! And like an Ashley Simpson song, it goes on and on and on, with no hope in sight. To top it all off, in Hell there is no beer, only Zima.
And it's meant to be that way. We've turned our eyes from God, finger-banged Sally in the alley, kicked a puppy, spit on the homeless bum begging for handout, stole, lied, cheated, raped, murdered, whatever. Now that I've been around the block a time or two, I feel it proper to givea basic overview of what you hapless simpering toeheads have in store for you after a trip to the dirt farm.
While the topography of Hell is immense and varied, several noteworthy landmarks stand out in most major religions. There are two major entrances to Hell: one is located in teh bowels of the New York subway system. The second is in downtown seattle next to a porta potty in Belltown by the public basketball court. The first entrance at the Big Apple takes you to the River Acheron and are ferried by the boat master Charon to the other side where processing of souls begins(Name, SSN#, Sin rank, etc). Do not piss off the boat master as he will bat you in the ass with his giant oar. Just keep your trap shut and enjoy the ride. The second entrance leads to the Highway To Hell, which is the more modern avenue to Damnation and is a favorite of deceased rock stars. Not to veer off the track too much, but there are no dead rock stars in Heaven - they're all in Hell playing Monday night gigs to the sound of one-handed clapping and getting blowjobs from razor-teethed harpies. God does not love arrogant drug-taking, cradle-robbing, potty-mouth musicians who think they're the shit. And people who believe there's a Rock and Roll Heaven also think that if you put a cucumber in your ass you can call it a pickle. I'm not one of those people. Thank god for small planes.
One of the most popular hot spots in Hell is the Lake Of Fire. It's a veritable Lake Tahoe of the Underworld. Immense and seething with the bodies of those unfortunate enough to be tossed into this vat of molten goo and flame, it's also populated with writhing creatures swimming about, biting off peckers and crawling into mouths and other various body orifices. If you can help it, it's best to avoid the Lake of Fire and move on, but that depends on your tour guide, who is more likely to whap you on the noggin, dig their fingers into your flaming eye sockets and toss you in with the rest of the riff raff. Remember what Dori said in Finding Nemo:"Just Keep Swimming."
If you can keep on top of the pile, take a gander over at the piers by the shore(next to the giant maggots eating the vegans), which are laoded with fisherman who constantly fibbed about the "big One that got away." The only thing this particular breed of liars catch now is snapped lines and lost lures. But that's a darn sight better than being the worm on the hook of a demon trolling for hell bass.
As far as waterways are concerned, also of note is the river Styx, known for the fact that the gloomy are punished in its waters, gurgling in the black mud, which is by chance the main ingredient in Zima.
With the amount of population in a place like Hell, you're going to have towns and cities where the damned can hang out, get burned, or be used for whatever the bureaucracy of Hell has decided is their fate. That's right, bureaucracies are the product of Hell. And there are a lot of them on the map: Shitsville, Firetown, Uglyburg, Coalville, Sphincter Meadows, and a host of others too numerous to name. But the big daddy is the capitol of Hell itself, the City of Dis. Housing millions of residents and the Devil himself, this metropolis is truly the town that never sleeps. Burning tombs, flaming sepulchers, Zima distributorships, torture factorys, barrracks of demonic warriors, all surrounded by large iron walls overlooking a burning plain. It's big and ugly, smells bad and you wouldnt want to live there. Kind of like LA. The only problem is that after you've seen one mean ugly shithole where no one gets out alive, you've seen them all. But what makes Hell different from other mean ugly shit holes, like say umm, Los Angeles, is the cast of characters. And there are no "illegal immigrants" in Hell. Everyone is welcome.
In Hell there are two distinct groups: the damned and those who torment them. The first group consists of all the lowly sinners and reprobates who've been pissing off God since the Damn of Man. The latter consists of the Devil and his loyal followers who've been pissing off God since before the Dawn Of Man, the difference being that the Devil and his buds get to torment the shit out of the damned for all eternity. Fair? No, and I'm sure the ACLU and the unions would love to air some grievances to Old Scratch about the matter. But it's Hell and nothing is fair. Ask Jimmy Hoffa to explain it to you between gulps of lava and demon choad.
The Damned are pretty much screwed once they're through the gate. From that point on they are tormented, tortured, ridiculed and made to feel uncomfortable at all times. Not unlike Republicans in Seattle. And being that the torment goes on for all eternity you can bet that the demons in charge are goiing to be as creative as possible just to pass the time. It's not all burning in eternal fire and being forced to drink Zima. The bodies of the damned are squished, squashed, and shaped into bricks for buildings in the various cities and villages of the Nether Regions. Which is why when you pass a dwelling on the streets of Dis, a door is likely to fart at you. And many of the torments are meant to convey a message or reflect on the sins of a particular party. Whatever the lot of the damned, the general consensus is it would've been better to live a life of piety on one's knees than to reap the rewards of forced sex with some giant bug on a bed of hot coals for spending one's time in pursuit of the pleasures of the flesh. Beer, bourbon, and titty pictures have been the downfall of man a man.
The Devil and his cronies have been in charge of operations down south ever since the time Dad kicked Old Scratch down to the basement, and the fact of the matter is that they've done their job rather well because nobody want to go to Hell. And if when you top that off with the success of their Zima distribution system you can smell the magic of success with every puff of brimstone. But who are these daring entrepeneurs who have parlayed arcane torture and everlasting torment into an enviable franchise with unholy staying power? Lets take a quick look at some the major players in hell....
The Devil-The absolute ruler of all that is evil. The Devil commands an army of demons and controls all the boundaries of Hell. He was cast out of Heaven after inventing Zima and was put in charge of the punishment of souls throughout eternity far away from the sight of God and good beer. His influence is great and reaches even into our world as he seeks to increase his hold on humanity. The Devil prepares for the war to come when adult malt beverages will bringf the downfall of Heaven.
Lilith-A haughty little chick who defied Adam in refusing to submit to doggie style and was cast into the Lake of Fire to become the Devil's companion. She's also the Goddess of Crack Whore Blowjobs. Lilith likes to get around, thjough, and has a major thing going with Samael, the king of demons. Needless to say, wherever this evil trollop goes, all Hell breaks loose.
Belial-A major badass in the hierarchy of Hell, Belial is the crown prince of demons and the leader of the Sons of Darkness(not to be confused with the Sons of Norway). He's an angel of hostility whose purpose is to bring about wickedness and guilt His main job, though, is to find idle hands to do the Devil's work.
Leviathan-A giant creature of chaos that has been said to tempt men into acts of sacrilege. He's also the demon of envy and is responsible for punishing sinners who fall from grace for that particular sin. Most notable is the fact that the turds of Leviathan are used to give Zima its "kick".
Molech-An ancient deity of fire who ended up in Satan's posse. His main accomplishment was that he accepted small children for burning sacrifices on an altar of fire. This led to the closing of Molech's Kiddytime Daycare in Shorline.
Agares-The first Duke of Hell, Agares now prefers to ride on crocodiles after giving up his moped for a more dignified mode of transportation. He is said to resemble an old man and likes to give kids candy laced with Ex-Lax. His farts have been known to cause earthquakes.
Baal-Baal is a demon most associated with fertility, as well as droughts and plagues. At the touch of his hands even colors would wilt. He was also a recipient of the sacrifice of children, which seem to be a staple for many of Hell's citizens. The followers of Baal are known to worship him by dancing in a frenzy and cutting themselves up with knives, which means he is also the God of Stupid Rave Music.
There are hundreds more of these types residing around the layers of Hell, and I'm sure a lot of you are going to be introduced unless you change your wicked ways. So if you don't want to burn for eternity, have innumerable creatures of every size and description violating every orifice and being forced to drink Zima on a daily basis, you're going to have to give up the porno, the beer and liquor, the obsessive masturbation, and being a general pain in the ass to everybody around you. Yeah right, see you in HELL!
My mother explained it all to me one night after I was caught raping a pillow in a fit of adolescent hormonal fervor. Describing the awful place where my young horny ass was headed if I did not turn from my wicked ways:darkness, burning penile discharges, the Lake of Fire and anal invasions by demonic homo porn stars. It was all laid out for me that night as I lay there receiving holy retribution for evil sexual assualts against a helpless piece of fluffy linen. Good ol' Mom and that church made me the man I am today - a self-hating, nose-picking, nail chewing, toenail-pulling curmudgeon who despises the weak and lives to spit on compassion.
Needless to say, I've been thinking about hell for most of my life: the constant infusion of paranoia of God watching me eat my boogers, masturbate to online porn, steal booze from the local Quickie Mart, blah blah blah blah. It's damn unnerving. And frankly, that ever-present threat of eternal damnation can be a real cockstopper to the good times.But like a good old boy scout bung-holer, my motto is, "Bew prepared," and over the years I've tried to learn as much about this southern resort for the damned as possible. Not that it really matters in the long run. If you're going, you're going. So kiss your sorry ass goodbye and be prepared to burn.
Hell is a place designed by God to punish errant souls who have fallen from His path of goodness, and everyone knows the worst punishment next to a corncob ass bang is that dreaded "time out." Unfortunately for the damned, it lasts an eternity and we don't get to just sit in the corner forever, either. Nope, this place was created to make us miserable. Constant eternal darkness with consuming unquenchable flames eating at you, the rustle of leather wings as demons flay your skin and pullout intestines via the butthole express while shitting down your screaming, fire-scorched throat. All this accompanied by the not-so-subtle sounds from billions of other unlucky souls who turned from the light, copped a feel on Suzy Slutslit while she was sleeping off a drunk, or jerked off to a playboy while dropping turds on a lunch break! And like an Ashley Simpson song, it goes on and on and on, with no hope in sight. To top it all off, in Hell there is no beer, only Zima.
And it's meant to be that way. We've turned our eyes from God, finger-banged Sally in the alley, kicked a puppy, spit on the homeless bum begging for handout, stole, lied, cheated, raped, murdered, whatever. Now that I've been around the block a time or two, I feel it proper to givea basic overview of what you hapless simpering toeheads have in store for you after a trip to the dirt farm.
While the topography of Hell is immense and varied, several noteworthy landmarks stand out in most major religions. There are two major entrances to Hell: one is located in teh bowels of the New York subway system. The second is in downtown seattle next to a porta potty in Belltown by the public basketball court. The first entrance at the Big Apple takes you to the River Acheron and are ferried by the boat master Charon to the other side where processing of souls begins(Name, SSN#, Sin rank, etc). Do not piss off the boat master as he will bat you in the ass with his giant oar. Just keep your trap shut and enjoy the ride. The second entrance leads to the Highway To Hell, which is the more modern avenue to Damnation and is a favorite of deceased rock stars. Not to veer off the track too much, but there are no dead rock stars in Heaven - they're all in Hell playing Monday night gigs to the sound of one-handed clapping and getting blowjobs from razor-teethed harpies. God does not love arrogant drug-taking, cradle-robbing, potty-mouth musicians who think they're the shit. And people who believe there's a Rock and Roll Heaven also think that if you put a cucumber in your ass you can call it a pickle. I'm not one of those people. Thank god for small planes.
One of the most popular hot spots in Hell is the Lake Of Fire. It's a veritable Lake Tahoe of the Underworld. Immense and seething with the bodies of those unfortunate enough to be tossed into this vat of molten goo and flame, it's also populated with writhing creatures swimming about, biting off peckers and crawling into mouths and other various body orifices. If you can help it, it's best to avoid the Lake of Fire and move on, but that depends on your tour guide, who is more likely to whap you on the noggin, dig their fingers into your flaming eye sockets and toss you in with the rest of the riff raff. Remember what Dori said in Finding Nemo:"Just Keep Swimming."
If you can keep on top of the pile, take a gander over at the piers by the shore(next to the giant maggots eating the vegans), which are laoded with fisherman who constantly fibbed about the "big One that got away." The only thing this particular breed of liars catch now is snapped lines and lost lures. But that's a darn sight better than being the worm on the hook of a demon trolling for hell bass.
As far as waterways are concerned, also of note is the river Styx, known for the fact that the gloomy are punished in its waters, gurgling in the black mud, which is by chance the main ingredient in Zima.
With the amount of population in a place like Hell, you're going to have towns and cities where the damned can hang out, get burned, or be used for whatever the bureaucracy of Hell has decided is their fate. That's right, bureaucracies are the product of Hell. And there are a lot of them on the map: Shitsville, Firetown, Uglyburg, Coalville, Sphincter Meadows, and a host of others too numerous to name. But the big daddy is the capitol of Hell itself, the City of Dis. Housing millions of residents and the Devil himself, this metropolis is truly the town that never sleeps. Burning tombs, flaming sepulchers, Zima distributorships, torture factorys, barrracks of demonic warriors, all surrounded by large iron walls overlooking a burning plain. It's big and ugly, smells bad and you wouldnt want to live there. Kind of like LA. The only problem is that after you've seen one mean ugly shithole where no one gets out alive, you've seen them all. But what makes Hell different from other mean ugly shit holes, like say umm, Los Angeles, is the cast of characters. And there are no "illegal immigrants" in Hell. Everyone is welcome.
In Hell there are two distinct groups: the damned and those who torment them. The first group consists of all the lowly sinners and reprobates who've been pissing off God since the Damn of Man. The latter consists of the Devil and his loyal followers who've been pissing off God since before the Dawn Of Man, the difference being that the Devil and his buds get to torment the shit out of the damned for all eternity. Fair? No, and I'm sure the ACLU and the unions would love to air some grievances to Old Scratch about the matter. But it's Hell and nothing is fair. Ask Jimmy Hoffa to explain it to you between gulps of lava and demon choad.
The Damned are pretty much screwed once they're through the gate. From that point on they are tormented, tortured, ridiculed and made to feel uncomfortable at all times. Not unlike Republicans in Seattle. And being that the torment goes on for all eternity you can bet that the demons in charge are goiing to be as creative as possible just to pass the time. It's not all burning in eternal fire and being forced to drink Zima. The bodies of the damned are squished, squashed, and shaped into bricks for buildings in the various cities and villages of the Nether Regions. Which is why when you pass a dwelling on the streets of Dis, a door is likely to fart at you. And many of the torments are meant to convey a message or reflect on the sins of a particular party. Whatever the lot of the damned, the general consensus is it would've been better to live a life of piety on one's knees than to reap the rewards of forced sex with some giant bug on a bed of hot coals for spending one's time in pursuit of the pleasures of the flesh. Beer, bourbon, and titty pictures have been the downfall of man a man.
The Devil and his cronies have been in charge of operations down south ever since the time Dad kicked Old Scratch down to the basement, and the fact of the matter is that they've done their job rather well because nobody want to go to Hell. And if when you top that off with the success of their Zima distribution system you can smell the magic of success with every puff of brimstone. But who are these daring entrepeneurs who have parlayed arcane torture and everlasting torment into an enviable franchise with unholy staying power? Lets take a quick look at some the major players in hell....
The Devil-The absolute ruler of all that is evil. The Devil commands an army of demons and controls all the boundaries of Hell. He was cast out of Heaven after inventing Zima and was put in charge of the punishment of souls throughout eternity far away from the sight of God and good beer. His influence is great and reaches even into our world as he seeks to increase his hold on humanity. The Devil prepares for the war to come when adult malt beverages will bringf the downfall of Heaven.
Lilith-A haughty little chick who defied Adam in refusing to submit to doggie style and was cast into the Lake of Fire to become the Devil's companion. She's also the Goddess of Crack Whore Blowjobs. Lilith likes to get around, thjough, and has a major thing going with Samael, the king of demons. Needless to say, wherever this evil trollop goes, all Hell breaks loose.
Belial-A major badass in the hierarchy of Hell, Belial is the crown prince of demons and the leader of the Sons of Darkness(not to be confused with the Sons of Norway). He's an angel of hostility whose purpose is to bring about wickedness and guilt His main job, though, is to find idle hands to do the Devil's work.
Leviathan-A giant creature of chaos that has been said to tempt men into acts of sacrilege. He's also the demon of envy and is responsible for punishing sinners who fall from grace for that particular sin. Most notable is the fact that the turds of Leviathan are used to give Zima its "kick".
Molech-An ancient deity of fire who ended up in Satan's posse. His main accomplishment was that he accepted small children for burning sacrifices on an altar of fire. This led to the closing of Molech's Kiddytime Daycare in Shorline.
Agares-The first Duke of Hell, Agares now prefers to ride on crocodiles after giving up his moped for a more dignified mode of transportation. He is said to resemble an old man and likes to give kids candy laced with Ex-Lax. His farts have been known to cause earthquakes.
Baal-Baal is a demon most associated with fertility, as well as droughts and plagues. At the touch of his hands even colors would wilt. He was also a recipient of the sacrifice of children, which seem to be a staple for many of Hell's citizens. The followers of Baal are known to worship him by dancing in a frenzy and cutting themselves up with knives, which means he is also the God of Stupid Rave Music.
There are hundreds more of these types residing around the layers of Hell, and I'm sure a lot of you are going to be introduced unless you change your wicked ways. So if you don't want to burn for eternity, have innumerable creatures of every size and description violating every orifice and being forced to drink Zima on a daily basis, you're going to have to give up the porno, the beer and liquor, the obsessive masturbation, and being a general pain in the ass to everybody around you. Yeah right, see you in HELL!