my weekend owned yours
Best Vacation Ever
Thursday June 30
The Plan:
Leave Hattiesburg at 5am. Be on beach full day. Spend most of evening searching for shitty hotel.
Action:
[1:17 am] decide to stay up all night like a hard-ass
[1:20] brainstorm: what do hard-asses do?
[1:22] rule out murder for lack of motive and motorcycle riding for lack of motorcycle
[1:25] sign on to aim
[1:54] Grayson hurts my feelings. Sign off, pout, and get into bed.
[1:56] set alarm for one hour nap - hard-asses do so take naps, shut up.
[6:15] wake up to phone ringing.
[6:17] groggily apologize to Jan and agree to leave at noon.
[6:20] fall back asleep.
[10:10] wake back up
[10:30] general hygiene
[10:50] pack my bags, load my car
[11:15] feed self, feed car
[11:58] arrive at Andrew’s
[12:04] on the road - a mere six hours behind schedule
[2:50] stop to “stretch our legs” - I rush to the bathroom to change panties. The elaborate bow on my thong was NOT a good car-riding companion.
[3:45] arrive in Fort Walton. Brace ourselves for trouble finding a hotel.
[4:10] receive a room at the first place we stop - the same shithole that Jenna, Jennifer, Jan and I (yes, I’m the only one without a J name) stayed at last year.
[4:55] start debating dinner.
[5:17] agree on nothing except that wherever we’re going - Andrew is driving.
[5:25] stop at the crab shack
[5:45] agree that the shrimp are better than the crabs
[6:17] go for a walk along the beach
[6:22] Jan starts a splashing war
[6:27] Jan realizes that her pants are white
[6:38] walk back to the car - Jan’s underwear are clearly visible
[6:42] Andrew stops to buy an ice chest - Jan removes her pants
[6:50] we arrive back at the hotel - an old lady checks Jan out
[7:15] Pulp Fiction - the very end - is on Bravo. Anyone who can tell me what’s in the briefcase gets a prize.
[7:20] take a double shot of whiskey.
[7:32] deny accusations of drunkenness between hiccupping
[7:45] watch Tommy Boy
[7:50] hiccups have subsided - time for another double-shot!
[8:10] Jan distracts me, whiskey goes unconsumed.
[8:20] more Tommy Boy
[8:50] MORE WHISKEY
[9:15] Tommy Boy ends, boxing is on
[9:30] darkie wins
[9:45] celebrate with more whiskey
[10:00] last one in the pool is a rotten… yea, you know.
[10:17] Marco
[10:20] Polo
[10:22] Marco
[10:22] Polo
[10:24] Marco
[10:26] Polo
[10:26] Marco
[10:27] Polo
[10:29] Marco
[10:29] Polo
[10:33] FISH OUTTA WATER!
[10:50] back to the hotel - have to pee
[11:05] wander into bed, losing my Malcolm in the Middle virginity
[11:38] Payback comes on. I watch until the dog I like comes on.
[11:47] roll over and…
Friday July 1st
[8:00] turn off pesky alarm
[9:05] awaken
[9:15] hygiene
[9:30] ask cleaning lady what time checkout is - 11am
[9:32] get back in bed
[11:00] checkout, leave hotel
[11:22] arrive at outlet malls
[11:34] find a shirt that says “I should have my own TV show”.
[11:36] buy the shirt
[11:43] wonder why I DON’T have my own TV show
[11:47] blame the Nazis
[1:27] arrive at Mellow Mushroom for pizza
[1:45] devour gourmet white pizza - best ever
[2:30] more shopping - buy sexy/classy shirt
[3:45] check into hotel
[3:51] get my first phone number - in the hotel elevator
[4:25] head to the beach!
[5:45] get beached out - head back to the room for leftover pizza
[7:15] start getting ready for night out
[9:30] drive to The Swamp
[9:37] realize that U.S. is playing (see previous entries for significance)
[9:48] first sighting of the band - the lead singer clearly remembers me
[10:38] band begins, Jan and I are in the very front - ready to rock
[10:47] guy next to me comments that “this band sucks”. I lie and say, “Really? Because they’re really good friends of mine.” He gives me a, “You’re a lying bitch,” look.
[10:52] the lead singer comes over to me, shakes my hand and says, “Hey, long time no see. How have you been?”
[10:54] Guy next to me gets OWNED.
[11:38] band continues, fun fun fun
[11:47] some whore gets on the stage and flashes her itty bitty titties. I feel sorry for women and small tits everywhere due to this poor representation.
[12:03] band breaks. I start dancing
[12:07] Jan spots Renado and Eder (Brazilian guys we met in FL last year) this is too crazy. I wish that Samuel was there, too.
[12:17] band starts back up. more fun.
[12:45] band breaks.
[12:56] set my sights on a really sexy, ghetto fabulous looking guy - not usually my type but he was just sexy.
[1:12] responding to my eye-flirting, he beckons me. I shake my head and beckon HIM. (Note to the men-folk: Don’t beckon women, go to them.)
[1:14] he walks over and we start dancing. He’s REALLY REALLY good and I can’t keep up.
[1:17] Jan laughs at me.
[1:18] lose my nerve and dash away like a frightened bunny
[1:22] watch him dance more
[1:26] dance with him more - I still suck in comparison
[1:29] ready to leave
[1:33] we go back to the hotel
[1:36] announce my plan to write a great American novel
[1:48] armed with a notebook, a pen, and a jug of amoretto mixed with dr. pepper - I head out to the beach
[1:53] writing in the dark is not as easy as I thought it would be
[1:58] two boys stop to ask what I am doing.
[2:02] proudly announce, “Writing a great American novel.”
[2:05] they confirm my statement
[2:07] they leave
[2:09] fuck them if they can’t understand my genius!
[2:11] writing in the dark is still hard, despite genius
[2:17] one boy stops to ask what I am doing
[2:18] (with a little less enthusiasm) I say, “Writing a great American novel.”
[2:19] he confirms my statement and then says (confused), “Okay… well… I guess I’ll leave you alone.”
[2:24] walk back to the hotel. I have written four lines. they are fantastic.
Saturday July 2nd
[10:10] wake up. begin with the suntan oil. I will get a tan today.
[10:12] Jan wakes up, makes me wait for her. I am calm. I am peaceful. I do not yell. I have achieved Nirvana.
[10:28] reach the beach.
[10:32] notice that rental chair guy is really sexy. think of clever things to say to him.
[10:58] flip
[11:06] decide that I will ask rental chair guy where he got his tattoos done. this will open up conversation such as “where he is from” and “places on my body that I should put a tattoo”.
[11:28] get in the water - Jan won’t get past her ankles due to intense shark fear.
[12:02] we walk back towards the hotel. I see rental chair guy. I do nothing. My courage had left me.
[12:37] go to eat at What? (a burger)
[2:08] back on the beach - volleyball time.
[2:31] Andrew owns me and Jan at volleyball
[3:56] Jan and I own Andrew at Newcomball (sp?)
[4:22] back at the hotel
[5:17] we go to Olive Garden
[5:39] the hostess seats us, removes the wine glasses and says, “I guess you won’t be needing these.” We’re only a YEAR underage. I mean, geez.
[5:48] blah blah blah, eat eat eat
[6:07] our waitresses refers to us as “kids”.
[6:08] Jan asks her how old we look
[6:09] she guesses 16 or 17
[6:09] I assume this is because Jan and Andrew actually look that young and I’m wearing a shirt that says “Mom Warned Me About Boys Like You…” on the front and “I can’t wait” on the back.
[6:11] we lie and tell her we are all over 21. we tell her that the hostess was a bitch. I’m never going to that olive garden again - at least not until next year when a whole new staff will be there.
[6:22] leave the garden, go hunting for Alvin’s island type stores
[8:38] Jan decides to get stuff added to her tattoo. She cannot convince me to get one as well, even though there is a RAD dinosaur (brontosaurs) that I want.
[11:46] Jan’s tattoo actually looks pretty cool. I think about getting a daisy. Then whenever I show it to anyone I’ll say “Ain’t That a Daisy?” and if they don’t get it I’ll never speak to them again.
[11:48] Jan doesn’t get it. I give her the silent treatment the rest of the night.
[12:08] the guy who I gave my phone number the first night calls me, slurring. He says it’s his last night and he wants to bone me. Or he might’ve said he wanted to get into a fist fight at Shoney’s. Who knows.
[12:17] hang-up.
[12:38] Andrew, Jan, and I walk on the beach.
[12:48] reach the public side of the beach where gangstas abound.
[12:52] creepy dude follows me. Jan clues me in.
[1:12] I grab Jan and Andrew’s hands and begin to sing “We’re off to see the wizard - the wonderful wizard of Oz!”
[1:17] creepy stalker laughs. he still seems intent on speaking to me.
[1:19] I shout, “I need a heart because I’m a total fucking bitch. What do you need Jan?”
[1:20] creepy stalker loses his courage and slinks back into the shadows
[1:22] we head back towards the private beach
[1:27] we pause so I can get inside a plastic shark and pretend to be eaten. It is intense, I swear.
[1:34] we start building a giant penis in the sand. I can’t make this stuff up.
[1:37] people stop to take pictures
[1:43] random dude asks me to put my mouth by the tip of it
[1:46] I say, “20 bucks”
[1:48] I have won over the unwashed masses. Their laughter tickles my ears.
[2:15] we walk back to the hotel
[2:38] pause, Andrew has to pee
[2:39] lift my shirt up to show Jan where I would get a tattoo (below my shoulder blade on my back). From somewhere in the darkness, catcalls emerge.
[2:41] yell back at the darkness
[2:43] Andrew returns, our walk continues
[3:17] back at the hotel, darkness consumes me
I don't feel like writing about Sunday right now. Deal, bitches.