Wth is wrong with me.... Please help?
I feel so trapped, like i cant DO anything about my situation. My family does not know. I don't know how to tell them. Ive missed over 30days of school. They think im sick. Im not. I don't get headaches. I don't get nausea. But i am sick. Just not for those reasons. I have Lyme's Disease. I am cured. But they don't know that. I hear things. In my head. A voice that I console with. A friend. Only its not a friend. Its there. I knows. Everything. It watches me. It see's me. It controls me. The thing is. When it tells me things. Its always right. Never wrong. It tells me the truth. And then lies. And laughs. Its not male or female. Its not a person. Its just a voice. I know nothing about it. It knows everything about me. Its been with me for about 2 years. It came when i started cutting. I make decisions sometimes. Things i wouldn't normally do. Things that feel so right at the moment. Things that i regret. I feel things Ive never felt. Emotions i regret. The voice dosnt force me to do anything. I just do what it says. Because it feels so right. I get so angry. I cannot control my emotions. I laugh when i should cry. I cry when i should laugh. Sometimes Im so happy. I feel like I can do anything. Like I can soar. And then IT comes over me like a black cloud. I am hopeless. Useless. Depressed. It feels like it wont leave. The feelings of hope i had before feel forign. Odd. Like they never happened. Like they shouldn't have happened. My past is so hazy. I only remember certain things. Things that stand out to me. Things that are constant. Im so tired. I cannot do school. I cannot study. I cannot do homework. I cannot pass. This is the worst its been. They don't know. They are expecting good grades. Report cards are in two weeks. They are excited. I have a 59 in english. Im good at english. I read. I write. I cannot pay attention. I cannot write blogs for homework. I cannot do what im told. This leads me back to the black cloud. I am hopeless. I cannot tell anyone. They won't understand. They will send me to the loony bin. Maybe thats where i belong. But they will be so upset. They will be angry. I am a disappointment. I am a liar. I am not sick. I want attention. Go to school. I am just lazy. But im not. I accept that im sick. I want to succeed. I want help. But i cant. I cant. Because they don't know. They don't understand. My neighbor is sick. Like me. She got help first. She is succeeding. That puts me in a worse situation. If I tell them. Then i am mimicking someone else's problems. I am not. The voice is louder. I don't know if its my friend. If i really think. It hasn't been with me for two years. Its been longer. I never realized when i was younger. It was quiet. Only spoke once in a while. I thought it was normal. Until i killed my parakeet. My white one. Marshmellow. They don't know. They think she just died. I know. I will always know. She died. Because of IT. IT told me. My morals were gone for that moment. I killed. I took the life of a living thing. But the voice consoled me. Made me forget. I still remember. But its hazy. Tucked away. I was 8. I am 15. Its still here. Its waiting. I don't know what for. But I trust it. But i hate it. Im confused. I want it to go away. But it tells me everything. Things that are going to happen. Things I have no control over. And its right. Its always right. Its not God. Maybe its the devil. I don't know. It dosnt sound evil. But it is. But it isn't. Please help me. I don't know what to do. I have contemplated suicide. If i die. Will it go away. But im a coward. I fear death. But i don't. I only fear the unknown. I am trapped. Whats going on? Please help me. Please. Why is this happening? Can you help me? I am so Trapped.