(no subject)
I'm proud of myself, I made it through the 2.5 weeks that my bf was gone, no cutting, and I gained weight rather than lost (he was very happy about that). And I've only had one major urge since last saturday. That makes 3 months cut-free!
Not to say that this week wasn't hard as HELL. 2 essays due, speech on friday, test on wednesday, studying for exams, all just had my stress levels soaring sky high. Monday fine, tuesday fine, wednesday we heard there was a student hit on their way home from school at the lights like 5 minutes after we passed it. getting a weird feeling in my stomach all day, at my bf's till 8:30 that night, got home and on msn, I learn it was Jessica who was hit, pretty serious *jessica and I are friends but its really complicated*. so I'm freaking out because I don't know if I should go see her, I wanted to but I didnt know if she wanted to see me. we went to visit her on thursday but she was in surgery when we got there so we talked with her mum and left the flowers with her. shes doing fine but she's bedridden for the next 6 weeks because she fractured and dislocated her hip
I'm a little worried about this week though. Exams start on wednesday and stress always gets to me. Plus my bf is really frustrated with me because I refuse to do anything for my birthday. That needs a 'lil explaining: we never did anything big for my bday, as a kid my parents would guilt me about the money my parties cost and made me feel like crap all day long and for the few weeks before and after, made me open my dollar store gifts and eat cake with the family. they didnt actually care they were just doing it because they're supposed to. I stopped caring about my bday, its just another day really. so in gr. 9 i got back together with my current bf on my bday *best present i've ever gotten* but that was the last day I was "uncaring" about my bday. The next year I hated it, I couldnt explain why i did so suddenly, I just hated that day and I freaked out at my friends for decorating my locker. I wanted to celebrate our anniversary and just ignore my birthday altogether. the next year it was worse *freaking at my parents and family for buying me gifts*. both years I ended up cutting because of it, so I'm worried about it.Plus my bf is starting to freak at me for not wanting to do anything on it, he tries to make me eat cake and open presents then gets pissed at me for being a grouch all day and for the weeks before, he just doesnt understand and he refuses to see that our childhoods are drastically different.
Does anyone else hate their birthdays? I didn't hate it untill the birthday after I started to s.i, do you think they could be linked? any comments or advice on how to make the day better would be greatly appreciated.