(no subject)
ive found so much happiness amidst the mess that has been this year but slowly, i feel that happiness being taken away from me.
i don't think i currently possess the energy to make someone else happy.
im kind of like this black hole of the illusion of happiness that someone was sucked into but once the illusion was shattered it was like. OH HOLY CRAP RUN FOR THE HILLS.
well okay maybe it isn't that dramatic but i feel it snowballing and maybe im completely off tangent here, maybe there is nothing to worry about and im freaking out for no real reason. or maybe everyone just needs a little space. but. i might just be destroying something so fucking amazing because i don't have the strength right now to stand without the support of the people around me.
and maybe not everyone can deal with that. its only fair too, i guess, because it isn't anyone else's burden but mine to carry and no one else can deal with losing my father on my behalf. it isn't like we're playing pass the parcel and i can just hand all of this over to the person on my left right when i know the music's going to stop.
my sister said earlier today that my dad's death is the only thing she has had to deal with in her whole life, that she does not know how to handle.
i wish i could say that that isn't a problem for me and that im actually pretty okay but in reality, i feel unsafe and insecure and like im constantly falling off a ninety story building and i don't have a parachute.
i hate being alone but i don't have someone who wants to spend a chunk of time five out of seven days of the week with me being ridiculous just to get my mind off things. i shouldn't expect to have anyone to do that with me in the first place (so what the hell are you doing, donnamae?!).
its disappointing sometimes, but then again what isn't.
life's just a huge unanswerable quiz of bullshit anyway so why bother.
maybe i should just give up on searching my empty backpack for my parachute and freefall into complete indifference.
at least then i wouldn't have to bother anyone else with this perpetual pain in my chest.
i don't think i currently possess the energy to make someone else happy.
im kind of like this black hole of the illusion of happiness that someone was sucked into but once the illusion was shattered it was like. OH HOLY CRAP RUN FOR THE HILLS.
well okay maybe it isn't that dramatic but i feel it snowballing and maybe im completely off tangent here, maybe there is nothing to worry about and im freaking out for no real reason. or maybe everyone just needs a little space. but. i might just be destroying something so fucking amazing because i don't have the strength right now to stand without the support of the people around me.
and maybe not everyone can deal with that. its only fair too, i guess, because it isn't anyone else's burden but mine to carry and no one else can deal with losing my father on my behalf. it isn't like we're playing pass the parcel and i can just hand all of this over to the person on my left right when i know the music's going to stop.
my sister said earlier today that my dad's death is the only thing she has had to deal with in her whole life, that she does not know how to handle.
i wish i could say that that isn't a problem for me and that im actually pretty okay but in reality, i feel unsafe and insecure and like im constantly falling off a ninety story building and i don't have a parachute.
i hate being alone but i don't have someone who wants to spend a chunk of time five out of seven days of the week with me being ridiculous just to get my mind off things. i shouldn't expect to have anyone to do that with me in the first place (so what the hell are you doing, donnamae?!).
its disappointing sometimes, but then again what isn't.
life's just a huge unanswerable quiz of bullshit anyway so why bother.
maybe i should just give up on searching my empty backpack for my parachute and freefall into complete indifference.
at least then i wouldn't have to bother anyone else with this perpetual pain in my chest.