5 years
Well I think it has been exactly five years since I went home for the funeral of my best friend Eric Grunzinger. I always get this vibe around the days of his passing and funeral. This is really weird and embarassing, but I kind of shut down this afternoon and as I was driving I almost began to cry. I pulled over and just sat in my car for at least a half hour. I think my thoughts have drifted back to nostalgic times of late as I have turned my attention To IN The Garage, and improv show I am directing that is loosely based on my high school experiences. Last night we had an amazing rehearsal and I am starting to feel a lot more confident with how I will direct and participate in the show. I have a lot of give and take with David Fisher, and I feel like we have sort of a Karl Malone and John Stockton relationship to our directing process. I actually dreamed about my show last night. I am not sure exactly if it was a dream about last night or just pertained to the show, but it felt really good. I hope I can deliver a good show this year because I feel like in many ways this is an extended opportunity at closure. I have felt restless and guilty about not doing enough for my friend, and wanted to do something to honor him and our group of friends. It is really hard at times. I have many questions and feel like I am falling into the same patterns of doubt and sadness, not really having a person that I can turn to as a confidant. I guess this might make me stronger as a person, I hope, and that I will learn to reflect and look inward for answers. It sucks that one of my best friends, Joe Parsons, will be leaving UNS very soon. He is a hilarious guy, and has made me feel excited to be a part of this group again. I am glad that I have serp in UNS now, he is making great improvements lately. I have noticed that he is getting closer to emotional connections as a character in ITG than in UNS. Who knew? Maybe he was born to be a dwarf. I am so proud of the people in my show, they are hilarious, but more than that they just work well together. Nothing can really touch the feeling of having a dream start to be made real, and see how other people can shape it into something even greater. Life is a truly wonderful thing that continues to surprise me. I hope I can somehow achieve a life less ordinary. I made a promise to Eric that I would follow comedy and acting, and it feels like the right path. I hope I am not deluding myself. I love telling stories. Acting has allowed me to explore this love deeply over the years, and I hope that someday I can turn these experiences into something more than just journal entries or thoughts among friends. Its like sometimes I have so many ideas and wants racing inside me I feel like I am going to have an aneurism. I wish I had someone to share them with. I was talking to my friend Nick last night about being single. In a word it sucks. Sometimes I like to float freely and feel unbound. This can get old fast though. What I really love is that feeling of trust and comfort with someone that wears like a well-washed shirt. Soft. Just right. Nothing to hide, but there is that same allure or spice, or some slight mystery. Even if the mystery is how can this still feel good. That feeling you get when you almost forget what the person looks like and how much she just pops. And then BAM!--you see her after a trip and think "Holy Shit I am dating this girl!" or "Wow I really love this person." Its been a while since I could feel that. I miss that.