Sup old friend
Being in West Virginia for a month, having no one to really socialize with, I’ve begun to accumulate a lot of thoughts and no outlet for them. So, I’ve decided to start using my journal again. I also still feel the great void that losing Sarah has left me with, being that I use to bounce my thoughts off her. I would do the face book entries, but I don’t want that many people seeing my thoughts.
I’ve reached a point in my life were I am once again a loner. I haven’t been here since freshman year. I must admit, I don’t mind it. I find the more social interaction I have, the more stress I feel. People say I’m argumentative, I don’t see it that way. Over the years I have developed an obsession with doing the right thing. Its reached the point of being OCD like. If I feel like I’m lying or deceiving someone it eats at me until I undo it.
This normally happens within minutes if not seconds of the event I feel wrong for. I carry this over into my social life with people and hold them to this standard as well. If I feel or sense one bit of deceit, alternative motive or hypocrisy, I can’t help but call the person out on it. I argue from the stance of what is right, not what is right for me. This gets me into a lot of trouble, but I feel no need to change it. I feel this is what makes me, me. Call me arrogant or conceded, those are just labels to undermine me. They don’t define me, my blunt honesty does.
This never-ending thirst for the truth keeps me honest and humble. When I do something dumb, I can’t wait to tell someone about it. I even do this when the subject matter isn’t “appropriate”. I’m honest to the point it hurts me. Of all the jobs I’ve had, it has always been hard for me to get ahead, because I can’t bullshit with superiors. Why, because its deceitful, my motive isn’t to socialize when I do it, it’s to grease the wheels to get ahead. This same problem with me carries over with socializing with women. I can’t “mack”, this to is deceitful. I’m not interested in the girl as a person (and when I am it puts me in the “friend zone”), I just want the pussy like all men, so I don’t even try. My honesty is a cock block.
P.S. I scored a 90 on the ASVAB today, I'm in the top ten percentile bitches!