So What Am I So Afraid Of?, Kradam
Title: So What Am I So Afraid Of?
Author: becomingblurred
Pairing: Kradam, with past Kris/Katy, minor Brad/Cassidy and implied Kris/OMC(s)
Word Count: 5,264
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kris realizes he's gay and that he wants to be with Adam. Adam attempts to build a wall between them because of a recent stint in rehab.
Disclaimer: I don't own these boys.
Author's Note: So ages ago, slashfiend337 requested domestic fluff for Donors Choose. Somehow, "domestic fluff", became "a 5,000 word monster with fluff toward the end of it."
Warnings: Angst, references to an eating disorder, references to rehab
So What am I So Afraid Of?
By Donna
At first, Kris comes out to the produce shelf.
He takes an apple in his hand, shines it, and tells it “I’m gay” in a very tiny voice. When it doesn’t spontaneiously collapse on itself he takes a bite of it and keeps it in his hand as he tells every grape, orange, and carrot “I’mgayI’mgayI’mgayI’mgayI’mgay.” Sometimes he says t fast, like he probably would if he ever tells anyone in real life. Other times he says it really slow, like he figured would be the most effective. They don’t rot. They don’t explode. They don’t topple over. He wills himself to come out to the rest of the refrigerator- the milk, the chicken breasts, the cranberry juice, the leftover Chic-Fil-A, and all six eggs, and nothing spoils.
He smiles. This should be enough momentum to come out to actual people.
*
Kris calls Matt, even though it comes out sort of clumsy and awkward.
(“Matt, can you drop plans and eat with me?”
“Uh, well, I kinda got recording and…”
“This is, like, post-divorce ‘I need a friend’ stuff.”
“Oh. Oh. Okay. What time?”)
They meet at some well-covered bistro that every patron knows who they are, but doesn’t dare to tip off the paps. They hug tightly as they sit across from each other at a little table fixed in a well-concealed corner of the place.
Matt opens his menu and observes the lunch specials before he asks, “What’s wrong, man?”
Kris closes his eyes and imagines Matt as a carrot. “Uh, I’m pretty sure I’m gay,” he says. When he opens his eyes again, he sees Matt staring at him, his finger still frozen at the entrée he was reading. “No shit,” he says, “No shit. Is that why you divorced Katy?”
Kris looks down at his lunch menu nervously. “No. I mean, she filed the divorce papers, not me, remember?”
“Well, would you have once you realized it?”
“…I’m not sure.” Kris doesn’t feel like playing What If?. He’s more focused on what the hell he’s supposed to do now.
Matt finally closes his mouth only to open it again to say, “You should tell Adam.”
Kris instinctively groans. It’s logical- realizing you’re gay, then seeking advice from your gay friend-but for some reason, he’s afraid. Like he has no right to try and seek membership in the “gay community” that Adam’s been a part of for so many years. Like he’s some bright-eyed high school senior applying and Adam’s the big, bad admission councilor that’s going to send him some nasty rejection letter (Sorry. After viewing your application, we’ve deemed you not homosexual enough. Good luck on your search in finding yourself! <3AL), even though that’s pretty stupid.
“But, like, I don’t know…” Kris mumbles.
“Seriously, dude, you should tell Adam,” Matt repeats, looking over his shoulder to see a waiter with his writing tablet whipped out. “Uh, hi?” he greets.
“Are you ready to order?” the waiter asks expectantly.
“I am, are you, man?” Matt asks.
Kris nods and places his order. Matt does as well. As the waiter leaves, Matt leans in and asks, “Was that guy attractive?”
“He’s not really my type. I like taller guys,” Kris confesses.
Matt shrugs. “Just making sure. But in all seriousness, dude, tell Adam. He’ll like if you told him before the tabloids do you the favor. He did that much for you, remember?”
Kris nods because it’s true and because he’d probably be pretty pissed off at himself if he dropped his Big Secret to some magazine without giving one of his best friends the warning,first.
*
Kris feels like an ass when he rings Adam’s doorbell. He’s been so scared about this conversation, he made Matt figure out that Adam was spending the day at home, painting his toenails and participating in what his therapist called “a required Me Day.” On one hand, Kris felt as though he shouldn’t have infringed on “a required Me Day,” On the other hand, Kris can’t count how many times he’s gotten texts along the lines of alone times so boringgg!!!! what are you up to??
Kris gives up contemplating when the door slowly opens. He looks up at Adam, who’s in sweats, last night’s eyeliner, and an oversized shirt. “Kris?” he asks, wiggling his half-painted toenails.
“Hi. I know you’re probably busy, but… I just figured I could see how you were doing while I was, uh, in the neighborhood,” he stammers. He can feel himself crashing and burning already.
“Aw, Kris, that’s sweet. Wanna come in?” he asks, opening the door wider.
“Yeah. I’d like that,” Kris replies, entering.
“Sorry I look like hell,” Adam murmured, “I didn’t expect anyone to come over.”
“Oh, God, I’m sorry I mean…”
“No, no! It’s all right!” Adam leads Kris into a sitting room, where he has nail polish and cotton balls set up.
“How are you feeling?” Kris asks. He bites the inside of his lip nervously. Talking to Adam nowadays sometimes feels like talking to someone that’s terminally ill. He knows that asking these questions means he’s bringing the awkwardness onto himself, but it doesn’t prevent him from stopping how he acts around him.
Adam twirls and falls on a few pillows and props his foot up on the table. “I’m fine. I’m still in therapy. But whatever, you know?”
Kris contemplates yelling, “You went from hiding a bunch of issues, to going to rehab for said issues, to having a chart-topping redemption album, to being a really talented singer that has some problems, but you’re working them out. You don’t just whatever that,” but then he remembers that all Adam’s ever wanted to do was talk about his music, other people’s music, fashion, and makeup. His mental health wasn’t fun. It wasn’t very important. Well, not exactly.
“No, hun. If I did, you’d know. We don’t hide stuff between each other. At least, not anymore,” Adam replies. He flashes a distracting smile and turns to his feet and paints a toe.
Kris sees this as an opportunity. “Uh, yeah. We need to talk about one of those not-secrets.”
Adam doesn’t turn his head until he’s done painting the rest of his toes and then returns to Kris. He keeps his foot propped up, but gives him a curious, predatory smile. The same type of smile that he used to pose on magazines with, sell out concerts with, and hide eating disorders with. “A not-secret?” he purrs, bringing his foot down to lean in toward Kris. “What’s going on, Kris?” His hand grabs Kris’ forearm and Kris winces as his fingers spread out across his jacket. “Are you all right?”
“Uh, yeah,” Kris says, because he is, right? There’s nothing wrong with being gay… right? “I’m fine, actually, I’m just…”
Kris’ voice trails off as he looks at Adam and attempts to imagine him as an apple. It doesn’t work. His eyes pierce too hard into him. His grip’s too strong. His genuine concern is too great. He just takes a deep, shaky breath, and comes out with it.
“I’m gay,” Kris says, his voice so soft it could be swallowed up in the sound of their breathing. “I’m gay,” he repeats, “I’m gay and I’ve only just realized it and I just thought you should know.”
Adam smiles. “Oh, Kris!” he exclaims, kissing his forehead. He leans away and Kris wonders what’s supposed to happen next. Why was it so urgent to tell Adam? What could he possibly say? That he’d been there before? That’d be contrived. So why?
“Coming out sucks,” Adam finally says, “About anything. Because no matter what you’re coming out about, being gay, being in a relationship, having a problem, there’s this big ‘What now?’ about it. You can’t just be. You can’t just fall for boys or have an issue or hurt. You have to have some kind of path. But… it gets better. You survive the awkwardness and it gets better. Or at least tolerable.” He reaches out for Kris and pulls him close. “I’m probably going to mess up my nails, but I don’t care,” he says as he wraps his arms around him and hugs tightly. “You’ll be okay, though. I won’t let you end up any other way.”
Kris smiles. He remembers how much he loves this version of Adam. The one that he thought may have disappeared for good. The one that saw the world for what it was, but was still able to be a little wide-eyed. Like he was willing to be wrong about something if it proved itself possible.
“But, Adam, in all seriousness, what do I do now?” Kris asks.
Adam laughs. “Well, I guess you should drop your parents the hint first. After that, you just have to embark on a search for someone to fit against you.”
Kris looks at the freckled arms wrapped around him. He leans his head under Adam’s chin and stays there for awhile.
*
Kris comes out to Entertainment Weekly a few months later. Slezak pretty much pees his pants when he’s given the piece. He tries to find a way to flow into the question without complication. Kris just tells him to go crazy- he’s the writer.
“So you’ve gone through a divorce,” Slezak says, “While it’s a depressing time in anyone’s life, has it given you any clarity about your life, your music, or faith?”
Kris takes a deep breath. He has it all planned out in his head-after formally coming out to every immediate famility member, close friend, and an ex-wife, he’s able to say it without faltering. “It’s given me a lot of time to think about some things about my life… who I am… who I love… and I’ve realized that I’m gay.”
*
Kris is pretty thankful that Adam goes on tour before the magazine hits the stands. His PR just tells most reporters that he’s on tour and that he’s busy, however “He is very happy for Kris and his realization. He wishes the best for his friend and can’t wait to see him when he is back from touring.” Katy, on the other hand, has to be barraged with stupid questions. Kris invites her over. They get take out and Kris makes sure to pay.
Katy searches for bits of chicken in her lo mein as she says, “Every reporter keeps asking me if I knew.” She rolls her eyes. “I mean… maybe when you met Adam you had that itty bitty crush on him. But… I don’t know. Other than that, you didn’t have any real markers.” She tucks her legs close to herself as she finds a piece of chicken and pops it in her mouth.
“I didn’t have a crush on Adam!” Kris exclaims, sweet and sour sauce dribbling down his chin.
“Keep telling yourself that, sweetie,” Katy replies. She tilts her carton toward her mouth. “You should see if he’s still interesting,” she says to her noodles.
“What? No,” Kris replies, “I can’t. Too much has changed.”
“Oh, please, Kris. You got divorced and he went to rehab. It’s not like either of you died or anything. With all the help he’s been getting, he’s probably more stable than you are right now.”
“But it’s so… cliché…”
“If it makes you happy, who cares? I don’t think Cinderella ever looked back on her fairy tale and went, ‘Oh, but I had to fall in love with him. How boring!’ No! She had her man, she was happy!”
Kris grins and allows himself to laugh. He remembers why he liked being married to her all those years.
*
Adam returns from tour two months later. Kris visits him at his house. Adam looks great. He’s got impeccable makeup, new clothes, and a big smile on his face when he sees him.
“You look like Europe treated you pretty well,” Kris notes.
Adam looks at him devilishly. “I may have spent longer than I should have in Amsterdam.”
Kris snickers. “I expect no less.”
“You would have fun. Actually, you should have gone. You would have been able to avoid the media shitstorm you caused. It’s nice to know that after coming out five years ago, it’s still a shocking subject.”
Kris covers his mouth and tries not to laugh.
“What?” Adam asks, trying not to alugh with him.
“It’s just that… you weren’t very shocking.”
“…Well played, Allen,” Adam replies. He takes a sip of wine from his glass and clinks it on the table. “So have you dated yet?”
“God, no,” Kris replies, “I’ve been too busy fighting off news reporters.
Adam laughs. “True, true. Poor thing.”
Kris smiles. “Eventually, though. I need someone to put up with me. And this… fame… thing.” He waves his hand nervously.
“They’re hard to find, sadly,” Adam notes, “Really. They have to balance your psycho. Handle the fame. Not crack under pressure. But still be cute as hell.”
“Well, now that we know what you want…” Kris teases.
“Oh, please. That’s what everyone wants,” Adam says, changing his position on the couch. “You know me, Kris. Absolutely no grasp of what you humans call a filter.”
Kris leans back and refuses to mention how this personality wasn’t always there sometimes. That he occasionally got drained and sad and self loathing and no glittery accessory or fake smile could really hide it- like fame+his fat kid complexpublic scrutiny=everything eventually snowballing and officially damaging him. Kris knows this, but it doesn’t make him hate the sad parts of him. He is sure he has sad parts of him come up at certain times without his control. Everyone does. And they have, for the most part, been able to find someone that love those parts as much as the not-sad parts. It’s just such a sharp contrast when it came to Adam that it occasionally scares him.
And then he remembers why he’s here.
“Hey, Adam?” Kris asks, his hand instinctively approaching Adam’s thigh.
“Hm?” Adam asks, leaning in closer.
“You remember when you said you had a crush on me?”
“Yeah. The media wouldn’t let me forget about it, remember?”
“…Did you ever get over it?”
Adam instinctively curls up, allowing Kris’ hand to fall. “Get over it?” he parrots, “I mean…”
And his face flattens out. Gone is the confident, sexy Adam.
“Kris, no, I couldn’t…”
“You couldn’t what? Take a chance?” Kris tries to read Adam’s eyes to get a vague idea of what he’s thinking. It takes him a few seconds, but he finally gets it. He knows that Katy was right about that attraction all those years ago, and that no matter what happened, the feelings always remained. They just got muddled in album releases, tour schedules, rehab stints, and divorces.
“I could learn to love you,” Kris manages to say, “I could put up with you when you hit the lows and celebrate with you during the highs. I can handle the fame. I think I’m pretty damn good at it. And I can definitely make sure I don’t crack under the pressure. I mean, I’m going through media insanity over here telling you that I care about you and I want to at least try and have a relationship with you. And, well. You thought I was pretty before. I haven’t changed that much.”
Adam’s body is still clenched in a ball. “No, Kris. You just came out. The media will get so much more insane. No, Kris…”
“No one has to know.”
“No one has to know, you’re right. But it doesn’t mean you should hide it, either. You just came out, Kris. Don’t you know what that means? It means that you should go on dates and make bad choices and drink too much and kiss a bunch of boys you don’t know and have fun. You shouldn’t have to spend time with me pretending that you’re in love, when you know that you aren’t.” His face eases up in the slightest bit and he allows himself to unroll to put his hand on Kris’ shoulder. “Come on. Go out clubbing tonight. The night is still young.”
It’s bullshit and Kris knows it. But it doesn’t stop him from getting up off the couch, hugging Adam tightly, going to the coat rack, getting his jacket, and leaving.
*
Kris goes through Kyle, Dan, Samuel, Andy, and Rob. They’re all very sweet, have dark hair, tall stature, and give good hugs when he tells them it’s not going to work out. His family notices a pattern, but they don’t say anything. The tabloids like to track the relationships and collage the photos of the guys with photos of Adam, who’s been uncharacteristically silent. He’s recording another album, which is code for “I really can’t handle the world right now, I might as well make money off of it.”
Kris is able to talk to him a few times, though. It’s mostly for quick questions like who should pay on a first date, where are the best bars, and if the album’s going well. Adam gives him very kind, very warm reply and Kris hangs up. That’s it.
Kris hates how detached and formal they’ve become, but he also realizes that it might be for the best at the moment.
*
A guy named Dusty is kissing Kris’ neck as he checks the mail. A new issue of Rolling Stone comes in and he notices that Adam’s name is on the side.
Dusty reads down the headlines and smiles. As h presses a wet kiss on Kris’ shoulder he asks, “What’s he like?” in a husky voice. “Is he as dreamy as he looks in the magazines?”
Kris flips to a page of Adam sitting with a producer, smiling. The blurb by the photo explains that he’s discussing a bridge for a new song.
“Is he as wild and crazy as he looks like in the paparazzi shots?” Dusty continues, pressing himself against Kris’ back.
Kris lets out a moan. He pushes the magazine aside, the page still opened to Adam.
“Or is he a depressed songwriter trying to keep his ribs showing while always finding ways to go home alone?”
Kris takes in a sharp breath. “He’s everything,” he manages to reply.
Dusty hooks his fingers into Kris’ boxer briefs.
Kris puts his hands over Dusty’s and says, “Maybe you should go. I mean… I need to get ready for my day, you know? I’ll call you.”
Dusty lets go of him and shakes his head. “No you won’t,” he replies, avoiding eye contact.
*
The next time Kris and Adam make contact, Adam has completed the album.
“You wanna go to its listening party?” Adam asks. Some weird atmospheric music is playing in the background. Kris feels like he’s on a mountain, underwater, surrounded by trees. He sounds excited (a new album can do that to you), but cautious (talking to a friend you recently rejected romantically will do that to you, too).
“A listening party?” Kris asks, “That’s so exciting. I’d love to go.”
“Great. Want to go together?” Adam asks.
Kris attempts to allow his mouth to unscrew and properly speak. “As what, Adam?” he manages to say.
“Oh… as friends, I guess. I figured we could catch up beforehand. None of this ‘What’s the best gay bar in this city?’ business, you know?”
Kris sighs. “No, yeah, I totally agree. What should I wear?”
“Whatever you want. I’m upstaging everyone, anyway.”
Kris laughs. “So when am I seeing you?”
“Next Friday at nine o’clock. Does that work?”
*
When Kris opens the door at nine twenty-five next Friday, he’s welcome to Adam wearing his hair slicked back, his eyes made up around glittering geometrical shapes, and his outfit in shades of gray with flecks of blue.
“You had to upstage everyone,” Kris notes as he presses his weight on the door.
“Of course. It’s my album. You look great, though,” Adam compliments.
Kris fumbles with his tie self-consciously. “Oh. Er. Thanks.”
Adam reaches out with a gloved hand and Kris steps out of the house to lock the door and grab it. Adam leads him to his car and Adam waits until Kris is buckled up before he starts the car. He waits a few seconds before he says, “So you’re a tabloid staple now.”
Kris turns to Adam as a streetlight goes over the car. His makeup and his outfit shimmer under the amber lights. Kris presses his lips together and finally says,”…Yeah. I was thinking about scrapbooking it. My mom probably wouldn’t find it that funny, though.”
“It really isn’t,” Adam murmurs. He looks like he’s trying as hard as he can to concentrate on driving. His gloved hands grip the wheel tightly at eleven o’clock and one o’clock.
“They always mention you,” Kris adds. He’s not really sure why or if it would help the situation. It just slips out of his mouth and he doesn’t care to take it back.
“I’m one half of the only American Idol season with two gay finalists. It’s inevitable.”
“…But. I feel bad, though.”
“Being put on a pedestal higher than the prettier boys you’ve been able to get with is flattering, though. Really.”
“…Prettier?” Kris reacts, “Maybe… maybe one or two of them were prettier. But none of them were exactly better. Note how I’m not with them right now… I’m with you,” Kris says.
Adam keeps his eyes on the road as he stops at a stoplight. “You can flatter me all you want, Kris, but I’m not going to change my mind.”
“But why? It’s never been ‘I don’t like you’, Adam. It’s always been ‘I don’t like myself.’ So why? I’ve made the mistakes you wanted me to make. I’ve dated a few guys. And now I know I want to date you.”
Adam stays silent for a long time. Kris tries listen to the motor rumbling or the roar of the accelerator when Adam hits it with his foot. He taps a beat on his thigh until he realizes that Adam is taking them into a dark, empty parking lot. Adam kills the engine and remains quiet until the automatic lights shut off. As soon as Kris’ eyes adjust to the dark he feels Adam pull Kris close. He can feel Adam’s breath on his neck as he says, “Listen to me, okay? This will be as up and down as I am. I’m going to hurt you. Fuck, I might even wreck you. And make you feel like I do. But when it’s okay… when I’m happy. You’ll be something higher than Cloud Nine. It will be beautiful. It will be terrible. It will be everything possible. Like a real relationship. None of this we go off in the sunset and they lived happily ever after bullshit. That’s not how it works, Kris. Okay?”
“I don’t care,” Kris replies.
Adam presses his lips against Kris’ as if he’s trying to drain himself of every single one of his demons. He kisses again and again and Kris willingly kisses back.
They nonverbally agree that it’ll be okay if they’re late.
*
Kris loves the album. It sounds like coming to terms with life’s difficulties and moving forward. He’s glad that the club is dark and no one notices that his clothes are rumpled and his hair is sticking out every which-way. After some socializing with familiar faces and pretending to know the names of various people, he disappears into a corridor to see how bad he looks, but nearly walks into Adam and Brad.
Brad swirls his drink and takes a sip. “I swear to God, Adam, of all of my exes, you’re the one that gives me ulcers. Do you know how awkward it is saying, ‘Oh, honey, I love you, can I take this call? Oh, it’s Adam. Yeah. Adam Lambert. Yeah. My ex.’ What’s going on? Why aren’t you allowing me to get more free alcohol and dance with cute boys?”
“I’m… I don’t know. If I told you I might have something with someone and they’re in this club, what would you say?”
“I’d say ‘Hands off Cassidy, I think we’re finally at the right maturity level that we can have mindblowing sex without killing each other in the process.’”
“Really? You and Cassidy? Wow. Go for it. But, no. Not him. Someone else. Someone… kinda… well, it was kinda going to happen eventually, I guess. You know who.”
Brad’s mouth slowly opens. “Adam, you didn’t.”
“I know. It was going to happen, though.”
“But that didn’t make it any smarter. He’s too green, Adam, he’s not going to be able to handle you.”
“Who’s supposed to handle me? You?” Adam asks as he backs away from Brad. “You dumped me. I had to go into the limelight while trying to get over you. Seeing your photos all over the place. But, I mean… I finally got over it. Finally did shit with my life, but… I’ll always be that boy. There’s no real recovery. Kris gets that. And he wants me. And that’s why it happened.”
“Oh, no, you’re not ‘that boy’, Adam,” Brad takes his free hand and grabs Adam’s. “Hell, you’re not your past self in general. At least, you don’t have to be. I’m just worried about him not being able to understand that.”
“Brad,” Adam starts, “I just…”
Kris finally wills himself into their view. “I’m not an idiot,” Kris hears himself say. “I’ve seen him through this. Well, even when I didn’t I found ways to keep track of what happened. We’re not the same people that roomed with each other five years ago. I don’t really think I’d want us to be.”
Brad takes a deep breath and finishes the rest of his drink in one gulp. He continues to hold onto Adam’s hand as he says, “I just want you to be happy.” He lets go of Adam’s hand and reaches his best to Adam’s cheek. “I just want to see you smile and not wonder when you’re going to fall apart.”
“You don’t think I want the same thing?” Adam asks.
Brad smiles gently. “I guess I’ll just have to trust you.” He looks at Kris and swishes his way out of the corridor.
*
“Is it rude to ask you to help me move?” Kris asks as he meets up with Katy under the overhang of a coffeeshop. He watches her shift in her rainboots as she think of a reply.
“Well, as your ex-wife? Yeah. But as your friend? Nah,” Katy replies, smiling.
Kris takes her hand and says, “Thank you so much. You want me to pay to make up for it?”
“Sounds awesome,” Katy replies. They walk into the coffeeshop and Katy says, “The tabloids are saying that you’re moving in with Adam.”
“For once the tabloids are right,” Kris replies as he goes to the counter and orders their usual
“They are? I’m so glad,” Katy replies, making eyes at the barista as he begins to prepare their drinks. “You going to make an honest woman out of him?”
“What? No… I mean. Not yet,” Kris stammers, “Katy, don’t you know how gay dating work? You live together, and then you have to get a dog, and then you have to do a lot of stuff before you think about proposing…”
“But you want to,” Katy notes, “I can see it. You can’t wait to wake up to him every morning. It’s so sweet.”
“Well, yeah. Yeah, I do.”
“Is it bliss?”
Kris takes a deep breath. Being with Adam is not bliss. Being with Adam is being in a real relationship. They say they love each other, they get into a fight, they make up, they sit with each other and not say a word as they flip through magazines or surf the internet, or they talk so much it never ends, then they say they love each other again. “It’s not bliss,” Kris explains, “But it’s a real relationship.”
“Can I party crash?” a voice asks.
Katy looks up and smiles. “Adam! Of course you can!” She gives him a tight hug. “I heard the news! And I’m apparently helping your man move in.”
Adam drags a chair over and sits with them. “You don’t have to, Katy, I’m sure we can do it ourselves.”
“I’m too happy for you two to pass up,” Katy says, “But, not gonna lie, I’d love if you would help me find someone now.”
“I think we can be on the lookout,” Adam says. He puts his drink on the table so he can put his hand over Kris’.
Katy smiles. “You’re killing me with cute, you guys. I’m so excited for you. I got a feeling you’re going to make it.”
“I sure as hell hope so,” Adam says, smiling brightly.
*
They take their time unpacking Kris’ things. Adam leads him around what is now La Casa de Adam y Kris and they eventually attempt to make some spaghetti for dinner with a colander Adam’s mom gave them as some kind of housewarming gift. (“You know my mom by now,” Adam says as he took the bow off of the colander so he could wash it, “She thinks of things we would never think of.”)
“Hey, hun, can you get me some sauce?” Adam asks as he stirs the macaroni.
“Yeah, sure,” Kris says, walking to the refrigerator. He looks at it and laughs as he gazes at the contents of it.
“What’s so funny?” Adam asks.
“…You’re going to think this is ridiculous, but I kind of… practiced coming out to the food in my fridge.”
Adam covers his mouth and snickered. “Did you really?” he asks.
“Uh, yeah. Ridiculous, right?” he asks.
“No! I think it’s sweet,” Adam replies. He stops stirring the macaroni and joins Kris in front of the fridge. “So you’d just take a carton of milk, say you’re gay, and put it back?”
“…Basically.”
Adam quickly looks toward the window and smirks.
“What, Adam?” Kris asks, laughing in the process.
“Nothing. It’s just… it’s very you,” Adam replies, kissing his cheek. “It’s what I love about you.”
Kris smiles, turning toward Adam. “It’s awesome to hear you say that, you know?”
“I’d hope so, Allen, seeing as though you decided to move in with me,” Adam replies, letting go of him to tend t the macaroni.
“So… this is our lives?” Because, really, it is a little awe-inspiring. Kris never thought he’d meet someone like Adam when he was younger. He never really thought that they would end up together. He didn’t think that he’d win a reality TV show, or get divorced, or realize he was gay, or date some guys, or end up with the guy that he never thought he’d ever meet. Point A looks like it’s light years away from Point B and he’s happy with it.
“I guess it is, isn’t it?” Adam asks, turning his head. “Did you get the sauce yet?”
“Oh, oops. Sorry about that,” Kris replies, pulling the jar from the fridge. He puts it on the counter next to the stove and watches Adam cook. “And you’re okay with it?”
“I’m happy, Kris. What the hell do you think I feel about it?”
Kris smiles and laughs. He takes one last look at the fridge and closes the door.
end
Author: becomingblurred
Pairing: Kradam, with past Kris/Katy, minor Brad/Cassidy and implied Kris/OMC(s)
Word Count: 5,264
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kris realizes he's gay and that he wants to be with Adam. Adam attempts to build a wall between them because of a recent stint in rehab.
Disclaimer: I don't own these boys.
Author's Note: So ages ago, slashfiend337 requested domestic fluff for Donors Choose. Somehow, "domestic fluff", became "a 5,000 word monster with fluff toward the end of it."
Warnings: Angst, references to an eating disorder, references to rehab
So What am I So Afraid Of?
By Donna
At first, Kris comes out to the produce shelf.
He takes an apple in his hand, shines it, and tells it “I’m gay” in a very tiny voice. When it doesn’t spontaneiously collapse on itself he takes a bite of it and keeps it in his hand as he tells every grape, orange, and carrot “I’mgayI’mgayI’mgayI’mgayI’mgay.” Sometimes he says t fast, like he probably would if he ever tells anyone in real life. Other times he says it really slow, like he figured would be the most effective. They don’t rot. They don’t explode. They don’t topple over. He wills himself to come out to the rest of the refrigerator- the milk, the chicken breasts, the cranberry juice, the leftover Chic-Fil-A, and all six eggs, and nothing spoils.
He smiles. This should be enough momentum to come out to actual people.
*
Kris calls Matt, even though it comes out sort of clumsy and awkward.
(“Matt, can you drop plans and eat with me?”
“Uh, well, I kinda got recording and…”
“This is, like, post-divorce ‘I need a friend’ stuff.”
“Oh. Oh. Okay. What time?”)
They meet at some well-covered bistro that every patron knows who they are, but doesn’t dare to tip off the paps. They hug tightly as they sit across from each other at a little table fixed in a well-concealed corner of the place.
Matt opens his menu and observes the lunch specials before he asks, “What’s wrong, man?”
Kris closes his eyes and imagines Matt as a carrot. “Uh, I’m pretty sure I’m gay,” he says. When he opens his eyes again, he sees Matt staring at him, his finger still frozen at the entrée he was reading. “No shit,” he says, “No shit. Is that why you divorced Katy?”
Kris looks down at his lunch menu nervously. “No. I mean, she filed the divorce papers, not me, remember?”
“Well, would you have once you realized it?”
“…I’m not sure.” Kris doesn’t feel like playing What If?. He’s more focused on what the hell he’s supposed to do now.
Matt finally closes his mouth only to open it again to say, “You should tell Adam.”
Kris instinctively groans. It’s logical- realizing you’re gay, then seeking advice from your gay friend-but for some reason, he’s afraid. Like he has no right to try and seek membership in the “gay community” that Adam’s been a part of for so many years. Like he’s some bright-eyed high school senior applying and Adam’s the big, bad admission councilor that’s going to send him some nasty rejection letter (Sorry. After viewing your application, we’ve deemed you not homosexual enough. Good luck on your search in finding yourself! <3AL), even though that’s pretty stupid.
“But, like, I don’t know…” Kris mumbles.
“Seriously, dude, you should tell Adam,” Matt repeats, looking over his shoulder to see a waiter with his writing tablet whipped out. “Uh, hi?” he greets.
“Are you ready to order?” the waiter asks expectantly.
“I am, are you, man?” Matt asks.
Kris nods and places his order. Matt does as well. As the waiter leaves, Matt leans in and asks, “Was that guy attractive?”
“He’s not really my type. I like taller guys,” Kris confesses.
Matt shrugs. “Just making sure. But in all seriousness, dude, tell Adam. He’ll like if you told him before the tabloids do you the favor. He did that much for you, remember?”
Kris nods because it’s true and because he’d probably be pretty pissed off at himself if he dropped his Big Secret to some magazine without giving one of his best friends the warning,first.
*
Kris feels like an ass when he rings Adam’s doorbell. He’s been so scared about this conversation, he made Matt figure out that Adam was spending the day at home, painting his toenails and participating in what his therapist called “a required Me Day.” On one hand, Kris felt as though he shouldn’t have infringed on “a required Me Day,” On the other hand, Kris can’t count how many times he’s gotten texts along the lines of alone times so boringgg!!!! what are you up to??
Kris gives up contemplating when the door slowly opens. He looks up at Adam, who’s in sweats, last night’s eyeliner, and an oversized shirt. “Kris?” he asks, wiggling his half-painted toenails.
“Hi. I know you’re probably busy, but… I just figured I could see how you were doing while I was, uh, in the neighborhood,” he stammers. He can feel himself crashing and burning already.
“Aw, Kris, that’s sweet. Wanna come in?” he asks, opening the door wider.
“Yeah. I’d like that,” Kris replies, entering.
“Sorry I look like hell,” Adam murmured, “I didn’t expect anyone to come over.”
“Oh, God, I’m sorry I mean…”
“No, no! It’s all right!” Adam leads Kris into a sitting room, where he has nail polish and cotton balls set up.
“How are you feeling?” Kris asks. He bites the inside of his lip nervously. Talking to Adam nowadays sometimes feels like talking to someone that’s terminally ill. He knows that asking these questions means he’s bringing the awkwardness onto himself, but it doesn’t prevent him from stopping how he acts around him.
Adam twirls and falls on a few pillows and props his foot up on the table. “I’m fine. I’m still in therapy. But whatever, you know?”
Kris contemplates yelling, “You went from hiding a bunch of issues, to going to rehab for said issues, to having a chart-topping redemption album, to being a really talented singer that has some problems, but you’re working them out. You don’t just whatever that,” but then he remembers that all Adam’s ever wanted to do was talk about his music, other people’s music, fashion, and makeup. His mental health wasn’t fun. It wasn’t very important. Well, not exactly.
“No, hun. If I did, you’d know. We don’t hide stuff between each other. At least, not anymore,” Adam replies. He flashes a distracting smile and turns to his feet and paints a toe.
Kris sees this as an opportunity. “Uh, yeah. We need to talk about one of those not-secrets.”
Adam doesn’t turn his head until he’s done painting the rest of his toes and then returns to Kris. He keeps his foot propped up, but gives him a curious, predatory smile. The same type of smile that he used to pose on magazines with, sell out concerts with, and hide eating disorders with. “A not-secret?” he purrs, bringing his foot down to lean in toward Kris. “What’s going on, Kris?” His hand grabs Kris’ forearm and Kris winces as his fingers spread out across his jacket. “Are you all right?”
“Uh, yeah,” Kris says, because he is, right? There’s nothing wrong with being gay… right? “I’m fine, actually, I’m just…”
Kris’ voice trails off as he looks at Adam and attempts to imagine him as an apple. It doesn’t work. His eyes pierce too hard into him. His grip’s too strong. His genuine concern is too great. He just takes a deep, shaky breath, and comes out with it.
“I’m gay,” Kris says, his voice so soft it could be swallowed up in the sound of their breathing. “I’m gay,” he repeats, “I’m gay and I’ve only just realized it and I just thought you should know.”
Adam smiles. “Oh, Kris!” he exclaims, kissing his forehead. He leans away and Kris wonders what’s supposed to happen next. Why was it so urgent to tell Adam? What could he possibly say? That he’d been there before? That’d be contrived. So why?
“Coming out sucks,” Adam finally says, “About anything. Because no matter what you’re coming out about, being gay, being in a relationship, having a problem, there’s this big ‘What now?’ about it. You can’t just be. You can’t just fall for boys or have an issue or hurt. You have to have some kind of path. But… it gets better. You survive the awkwardness and it gets better. Or at least tolerable.” He reaches out for Kris and pulls him close. “I’m probably going to mess up my nails, but I don’t care,” he says as he wraps his arms around him and hugs tightly. “You’ll be okay, though. I won’t let you end up any other way.”
Kris smiles. He remembers how much he loves this version of Adam. The one that he thought may have disappeared for good. The one that saw the world for what it was, but was still able to be a little wide-eyed. Like he was willing to be wrong about something if it proved itself possible.
“But, Adam, in all seriousness, what do I do now?” Kris asks.
Adam laughs. “Well, I guess you should drop your parents the hint first. After that, you just have to embark on a search for someone to fit against you.”
Kris looks at the freckled arms wrapped around him. He leans his head under Adam’s chin and stays there for awhile.
*
Kris comes out to Entertainment Weekly a few months later. Slezak pretty much pees his pants when he’s given the piece. He tries to find a way to flow into the question without complication. Kris just tells him to go crazy- he’s the writer.
“So you’ve gone through a divorce,” Slezak says, “While it’s a depressing time in anyone’s life, has it given you any clarity about your life, your music, or faith?”
Kris takes a deep breath. He has it all planned out in his head-after formally coming out to every immediate famility member, close friend, and an ex-wife, he’s able to say it without faltering. “It’s given me a lot of time to think about some things about my life… who I am… who I love… and I’ve realized that I’m gay.”
*
Kris is pretty thankful that Adam goes on tour before the magazine hits the stands. His PR just tells most reporters that he’s on tour and that he’s busy, however “He is very happy for Kris and his realization. He wishes the best for his friend and can’t wait to see him when he is back from touring.” Katy, on the other hand, has to be barraged with stupid questions. Kris invites her over. They get take out and Kris makes sure to pay.
Katy searches for bits of chicken in her lo mein as she says, “Every reporter keeps asking me if I knew.” She rolls her eyes. “I mean… maybe when you met Adam you had that itty bitty crush on him. But… I don’t know. Other than that, you didn’t have any real markers.” She tucks her legs close to herself as she finds a piece of chicken and pops it in her mouth.
“I didn’t have a crush on Adam!” Kris exclaims, sweet and sour sauce dribbling down his chin.
“Keep telling yourself that, sweetie,” Katy replies. She tilts her carton toward her mouth. “You should see if he’s still interesting,” she says to her noodles.
“What? No,” Kris replies, “I can’t. Too much has changed.”
“Oh, please, Kris. You got divorced and he went to rehab. It’s not like either of you died or anything. With all the help he’s been getting, he’s probably more stable than you are right now.”
“But it’s so… cliché…”
“If it makes you happy, who cares? I don’t think Cinderella ever looked back on her fairy tale and went, ‘Oh, but I had to fall in love with him. How boring!’ No! She had her man, she was happy!”
Kris grins and allows himself to laugh. He remembers why he liked being married to her all those years.
*
Adam returns from tour two months later. Kris visits him at his house. Adam looks great. He’s got impeccable makeup, new clothes, and a big smile on his face when he sees him.
“You look like Europe treated you pretty well,” Kris notes.
Adam looks at him devilishly. “I may have spent longer than I should have in Amsterdam.”
Kris snickers. “I expect no less.”
“You would have fun. Actually, you should have gone. You would have been able to avoid the media shitstorm you caused. It’s nice to know that after coming out five years ago, it’s still a shocking subject.”
Kris covers his mouth and tries not to laugh.
“What?” Adam asks, trying not to alugh with him.
“It’s just that… you weren’t very shocking.”
“…Well played, Allen,” Adam replies. He takes a sip of wine from his glass and clinks it on the table. “So have you dated yet?”
“God, no,” Kris replies, “I’ve been too busy fighting off news reporters.
Adam laughs. “True, true. Poor thing.”
Kris smiles. “Eventually, though. I need someone to put up with me. And this… fame… thing.” He waves his hand nervously.
“They’re hard to find, sadly,” Adam notes, “Really. They have to balance your psycho. Handle the fame. Not crack under pressure. But still be cute as hell.”
“Well, now that we know what you want…” Kris teases.
“Oh, please. That’s what everyone wants,” Adam says, changing his position on the couch. “You know me, Kris. Absolutely no grasp of what you humans call a filter.”
Kris leans back and refuses to mention how this personality wasn’t always there sometimes. That he occasionally got drained and sad and self loathing and no glittery accessory or fake smile could really hide it- like fame+his fat kid complexpublic scrutiny=everything eventually snowballing and officially damaging him. Kris knows this, but it doesn’t make him hate the sad parts of him. He is sure he has sad parts of him come up at certain times without his control. Everyone does. And they have, for the most part, been able to find someone that love those parts as much as the not-sad parts. It’s just such a sharp contrast when it came to Adam that it occasionally scares him.
And then he remembers why he’s here.
“Hey, Adam?” Kris asks, his hand instinctively approaching Adam’s thigh.
“Hm?” Adam asks, leaning in closer.
“You remember when you said you had a crush on me?”
“Yeah. The media wouldn’t let me forget about it, remember?”
“…Did you ever get over it?”
Adam instinctively curls up, allowing Kris’ hand to fall. “Get over it?” he parrots, “I mean…”
And his face flattens out. Gone is the confident, sexy Adam.
“Kris, no, I couldn’t…”
“You couldn’t what? Take a chance?” Kris tries to read Adam’s eyes to get a vague idea of what he’s thinking. It takes him a few seconds, but he finally gets it. He knows that Katy was right about that attraction all those years ago, and that no matter what happened, the feelings always remained. They just got muddled in album releases, tour schedules, rehab stints, and divorces.
“I could learn to love you,” Kris manages to say, “I could put up with you when you hit the lows and celebrate with you during the highs. I can handle the fame. I think I’m pretty damn good at it. And I can definitely make sure I don’t crack under the pressure. I mean, I’m going through media insanity over here telling you that I care about you and I want to at least try and have a relationship with you. And, well. You thought I was pretty before. I haven’t changed that much.”
Adam’s body is still clenched in a ball. “No, Kris. You just came out. The media will get so much more insane. No, Kris…”
“No one has to know.”
“No one has to know, you’re right. But it doesn’t mean you should hide it, either. You just came out, Kris. Don’t you know what that means? It means that you should go on dates and make bad choices and drink too much and kiss a bunch of boys you don’t know and have fun. You shouldn’t have to spend time with me pretending that you’re in love, when you know that you aren’t.” His face eases up in the slightest bit and he allows himself to unroll to put his hand on Kris’ shoulder. “Come on. Go out clubbing tonight. The night is still young.”
It’s bullshit and Kris knows it. But it doesn’t stop him from getting up off the couch, hugging Adam tightly, going to the coat rack, getting his jacket, and leaving.
*
Kris goes through Kyle, Dan, Samuel, Andy, and Rob. They’re all very sweet, have dark hair, tall stature, and give good hugs when he tells them it’s not going to work out. His family notices a pattern, but they don’t say anything. The tabloids like to track the relationships and collage the photos of the guys with photos of Adam, who’s been uncharacteristically silent. He’s recording another album, which is code for “I really can’t handle the world right now, I might as well make money off of it.”
Kris is able to talk to him a few times, though. It’s mostly for quick questions like who should pay on a first date, where are the best bars, and if the album’s going well. Adam gives him very kind, very warm reply and Kris hangs up. That’s it.
Kris hates how detached and formal they’ve become, but he also realizes that it might be for the best at the moment.
*
A guy named Dusty is kissing Kris’ neck as he checks the mail. A new issue of Rolling Stone comes in and he notices that Adam’s name is on the side.
Dusty reads down the headlines and smiles. As h presses a wet kiss on Kris’ shoulder he asks, “What’s he like?” in a husky voice. “Is he as dreamy as he looks in the magazines?”
Kris flips to a page of Adam sitting with a producer, smiling. The blurb by the photo explains that he’s discussing a bridge for a new song.
“Is he as wild and crazy as he looks like in the paparazzi shots?” Dusty continues, pressing himself against Kris’ back.
Kris lets out a moan. He pushes the magazine aside, the page still opened to Adam.
“Or is he a depressed songwriter trying to keep his ribs showing while always finding ways to go home alone?”
Kris takes in a sharp breath. “He’s everything,” he manages to reply.
Dusty hooks his fingers into Kris’ boxer briefs.
Kris puts his hands over Dusty’s and says, “Maybe you should go. I mean… I need to get ready for my day, you know? I’ll call you.”
Dusty lets go of him and shakes his head. “No you won’t,” he replies, avoiding eye contact.
*
The next time Kris and Adam make contact, Adam has completed the album.
“You wanna go to its listening party?” Adam asks. Some weird atmospheric music is playing in the background. Kris feels like he’s on a mountain, underwater, surrounded by trees. He sounds excited (a new album can do that to you), but cautious (talking to a friend you recently rejected romantically will do that to you, too).
“A listening party?” Kris asks, “That’s so exciting. I’d love to go.”
“Great. Want to go together?” Adam asks.
Kris attempts to allow his mouth to unscrew and properly speak. “As what, Adam?” he manages to say.
“Oh… as friends, I guess. I figured we could catch up beforehand. None of this ‘What’s the best gay bar in this city?’ business, you know?”
Kris sighs. “No, yeah, I totally agree. What should I wear?”
“Whatever you want. I’m upstaging everyone, anyway.”
Kris laughs. “So when am I seeing you?”
“Next Friday at nine o’clock. Does that work?”
*
When Kris opens the door at nine twenty-five next Friday, he’s welcome to Adam wearing his hair slicked back, his eyes made up around glittering geometrical shapes, and his outfit in shades of gray with flecks of blue.
“You had to upstage everyone,” Kris notes as he presses his weight on the door.
“Of course. It’s my album. You look great, though,” Adam compliments.
Kris fumbles with his tie self-consciously. “Oh. Er. Thanks.”
Adam reaches out with a gloved hand and Kris steps out of the house to lock the door and grab it. Adam leads him to his car and Adam waits until Kris is buckled up before he starts the car. He waits a few seconds before he says, “So you’re a tabloid staple now.”
Kris turns to Adam as a streetlight goes over the car. His makeup and his outfit shimmer under the amber lights. Kris presses his lips together and finally says,”…Yeah. I was thinking about scrapbooking it. My mom probably wouldn’t find it that funny, though.”
“It really isn’t,” Adam murmurs. He looks like he’s trying as hard as he can to concentrate on driving. His gloved hands grip the wheel tightly at eleven o’clock and one o’clock.
“They always mention you,” Kris adds. He’s not really sure why or if it would help the situation. It just slips out of his mouth and he doesn’t care to take it back.
“I’m one half of the only American Idol season with two gay finalists. It’s inevitable.”
“…But. I feel bad, though.”
“Being put on a pedestal higher than the prettier boys you’ve been able to get with is flattering, though. Really.”
“…Prettier?” Kris reacts, “Maybe… maybe one or two of them were prettier. But none of them were exactly better. Note how I’m not with them right now… I’m with you,” Kris says.
Adam keeps his eyes on the road as he stops at a stoplight. “You can flatter me all you want, Kris, but I’m not going to change my mind.”
“But why? It’s never been ‘I don’t like you’, Adam. It’s always been ‘I don’t like myself.’ So why? I’ve made the mistakes you wanted me to make. I’ve dated a few guys. And now I know I want to date you.”
Adam stays silent for a long time. Kris tries listen to the motor rumbling or the roar of the accelerator when Adam hits it with his foot. He taps a beat on his thigh until he realizes that Adam is taking them into a dark, empty parking lot. Adam kills the engine and remains quiet until the automatic lights shut off. As soon as Kris’ eyes adjust to the dark he feels Adam pull Kris close. He can feel Adam’s breath on his neck as he says, “Listen to me, okay? This will be as up and down as I am. I’m going to hurt you. Fuck, I might even wreck you. And make you feel like I do. But when it’s okay… when I’m happy. You’ll be something higher than Cloud Nine. It will be beautiful. It will be terrible. It will be everything possible. Like a real relationship. None of this we go off in the sunset and they lived happily ever after bullshit. That’s not how it works, Kris. Okay?”
“I don’t care,” Kris replies.
Adam presses his lips against Kris’ as if he’s trying to drain himself of every single one of his demons. He kisses again and again and Kris willingly kisses back.
They nonverbally agree that it’ll be okay if they’re late.
*
Kris loves the album. It sounds like coming to terms with life’s difficulties and moving forward. He’s glad that the club is dark and no one notices that his clothes are rumpled and his hair is sticking out every which-way. After some socializing with familiar faces and pretending to know the names of various people, he disappears into a corridor to see how bad he looks, but nearly walks into Adam and Brad.
Brad swirls his drink and takes a sip. “I swear to God, Adam, of all of my exes, you’re the one that gives me ulcers. Do you know how awkward it is saying, ‘Oh, honey, I love you, can I take this call? Oh, it’s Adam. Yeah. Adam Lambert. Yeah. My ex.’ What’s going on? Why aren’t you allowing me to get more free alcohol and dance with cute boys?”
“I’m… I don’t know. If I told you I might have something with someone and they’re in this club, what would you say?”
“I’d say ‘Hands off Cassidy, I think we’re finally at the right maturity level that we can have mindblowing sex without killing each other in the process.’”
“Really? You and Cassidy? Wow. Go for it. But, no. Not him. Someone else. Someone… kinda… well, it was kinda going to happen eventually, I guess. You know who.”
Brad’s mouth slowly opens. “Adam, you didn’t.”
“I know. It was going to happen, though.”
“But that didn’t make it any smarter. He’s too green, Adam, he’s not going to be able to handle you.”
“Who’s supposed to handle me? You?” Adam asks as he backs away from Brad. “You dumped me. I had to go into the limelight while trying to get over you. Seeing your photos all over the place. But, I mean… I finally got over it. Finally did shit with my life, but… I’ll always be that boy. There’s no real recovery. Kris gets that. And he wants me. And that’s why it happened.”
“Oh, no, you’re not ‘that boy’, Adam,” Brad takes his free hand and grabs Adam’s. “Hell, you’re not your past self in general. At least, you don’t have to be. I’m just worried about him not being able to understand that.”
“Brad,” Adam starts, “I just…”
Kris finally wills himself into their view. “I’m not an idiot,” Kris hears himself say. “I’ve seen him through this. Well, even when I didn’t I found ways to keep track of what happened. We’re not the same people that roomed with each other five years ago. I don’t really think I’d want us to be.”
Brad takes a deep breath and finishes the rest of his drink in one gulp. He continues to hold onto Adam’s hand as he says, “I just want you to be happy.” He lets go of Adam’s hand and reaches his best to Adam’s cheek. “I just want to see you smile and not wonder when you’re going to fall apart.”
“You don’t think I want the same thing?” Adam asks.
Brad smiles gently. “I guess I’ll just have to trust you.” He looks at Kris and swishes his way out of the corridor.
*
“Is it rude to ask you to help me move?” Kris asks as he meets up with Katy under the overhang of a coffeeshop. He watches her shift in her rainboots as she think of a reply.
“Well, as your ex-wife? Yeah. But as your friend? Nah,” Katy replies, smiling.
Kris takes her hand and says, “Thank you so much. You want me to pay to make up for it?”
“Sounds awesome,” Katy replies. They walk into the coffeeshop and Katy says, “The tabloids are saying that you’re moving in with Adam.”
“For once the tabloids are right,” Kris replies as he goes to the counter and orders their usual
“They are? I’m so glad,” Katy replies, making eyes at the barista as he begins to prepare their drinks. “You going to make an honest woman out of him?”
“What? No… I mean. Not yet,” Kris stammers, “Katy, don’t you know how gay dating work? You live together, and then you have to get a dog, and then you have to do a lot of stuff before you think about proposing…”
“But you want to,” Katy notes, “I can see it. You can’t wait to wake up to him every morning. It’s so sweet.”
“Well, yeah. Yeah, I do.”
“Is it bliss?”
Kris takes a deep breath. Being with Adam is not bliss. Being with Adam is being in a real relationship. They say they love each other, they get into a fight, they make up, they sit with each other and not say a word as they flip through magazines or surf the internet, or they talk so much it never ends, then they say they love each other again. “It’s not bliss,” Kris explains, “But it’s a real relationship.”
“Can I party crash?” a voice asks.
Katy looks up and smiles. “Adam! Of course you can!” She gives him a tight hug. “I heard the news! And I’m apparently helping your man move in.”
Adam drags a chair over and sits with them. “You don’t have to, Katy, I’m sure we can do it ourselves.”
“I’m too happy for you two to pass up,” Katy says, “But, not gonna lie, I’d love if you would help me find someone now.”
“I think we can be on the lookout,” Adam says. He puts his drink on the table so he can put his hand over Kris’.
Katy smiles. “You’re killing me with cute, you guys. I’m so excited for you. I got a feeling you’re going to make it.”
“I sure as hell hope so,” Adam says, smiling brightly.
*
They take their time unpacking Kris’ things. Adam leads him around what is now La Casa de Adam y Kris and they eventually attempt to make some spaghetti for dinner with a colander Adam’s mom gave them as some kind of housewarming gift. (“You know my mom by now,” Adam says as he took the bow off of the colander so he could wash it, “She thinks of things we would never think of.”)
“Hey, hun, can you get me some sauce?” Adam asks as he stirs the macaroni.
“Yeah, sure,” Kris says, walking to the refrigerator. He looks at it and laughs as he gazes at the contents of it.
“What’s so funny?” Adam asks.
“…You’re going to think this is ridiculous, but I kind of… practiced coming out to the food in my fridge.”
Adam covers his mouth and snickered. “Did you really?” he asks.
“Uh, yeah. Ridiculous, right?” he asks.
“No! I think it’s sweet,” Adam replies. He stops stirring the macaroni and joins Kris in front of the fridge. “So you’d just take a carton of milk, say you’re gay, and put it back?”
“…Basically.”
Adam quickly looks toward the window and smirks.
“What, Adam?” Kris asks, laughing in the process.
“Nothing. It’s just… it’s very you,” Adam replies, kissing his cheek. “It’s what I love about you.”
Kris smiles, turning toward Adam. “It’s awesome to hear you say that, you know?”
“I’d hope so, Allen, seeing as though you decided to move in with me,” Adam replies, letting go of him to tend t the macaroni.
“So… this is our lives?” Because, really, it is a little awe-inspiring. Kris never thought he’d meet someone like Adam when he was younger. He never really thought that they would end up together. He didn’t think that he’d win a reality TV show, or get divorced, or realize he was gay, or date some guys, or end up with the guy that he never thought he’d ever meet. Point A looks like it’s light years away from Point B and he’s happy with it.
“I guess it is, isn’t it?” Adam asks, turning his head. “Did you get the sauce yet?”
“Oh, oops. Sorry about that,” Kris replies, pulling the jar from the fridge. He puts it on the counter next to the stove and watches Adam cook. “And you’re okay with it?”
“I’m happy, Kris. What the hell do you think I feel about it?”
Kris smiles and laughs. He takes one last look at the fridge and closes the door.
end