the Heartless Bitches Red Flag List and you...all right, and me
I've been re-reading the Heartless Bitches International site lately, and what a lovely find - I came across it several years ago and it's always been useful. One thing in particular I think that everyone should read is the Manipulator Files' Red Flag List, a list of “warning signs” that mean that a prospective match of any gender is Trouble.
The list has over 150 items, many of which I find are actually variations of the same concept. Because I finally had some time to myself, I ended up condensing them and comparing them against my own experiences, and concluded that I should really have paid more attention to the Red Flag List. The rule of thumb for it is that if someone you meet does one thing on the list, get ready to leave, and if they do two or more, run fast and far; I've been idiot enough to continue to date people who cover at least half of the items on this list at once.
This list is posted to help anyone who might find it useful, but also mainly so that I can remind myself never to be such a moron again. Feel free to comment with your own.
Beware a potential significant other who:
1. Lies to you, and then when caught out on the lie is not only totally unrepentant, but attempts to justify the lie and advises that others do the same.
2. Tells you grandiose stories of past experiences and accomplishments that don't seem to make sense when viewed together.
3. Is looking for a “soulmate,” a “muse” or “another half.” They are not looking for you, but rather for something to fill a perceived void.
4. Tells you many deeply intimate things or deep, dark secrets very early on. This operates on the trust principle and the reciprocity norm -- they show you that they trust you by exposing these supposed vulnerabilities, so you feel obligated to trust in return.
5. Attempts to establish a very emotionally intimate relationship with you as soon as possible. Disregards, denigrates, downplays or otherwise violates clearly stated emotional boundaries.
6. Has a surprisingly and suspiciously large number of things in common with you. This makes use of the similarity principle -- we tend to trust people who are like us or are similar to people we trust.
7. Does things to make you feel financially or emotionally obligated to them, without your asking - lends you money, or does grandiose things to make you feel special, then brings it up later. A more sophisticated manipulator will make it seem like they are doing you a favour when they give you basic courtesies such as remembering to invite you out to parties or not having sex with your friends before you're comfortable with the idea. This makes use of the reciprocity norm. See also obligation principle.
8. Makes effusive or extravagant gestures to hook you, then drops the special effects once you have been reeled in. This makes use of the bait-and-switch technique - once you have committed enough to anything to think of it as yours, you will make concessions in order to keep it. The greater your commitment, the more you are willing to concede.
9. Gives you gifts and then takes them back after a fight, or punishes you in a fight by telling you of “surprise” things they were going to do for you but now will not do because of your behaviour. This is a variant on the bait-and-switch. These were never gifts - they were bargaining chips used to secure your compliance.
10. Is openly proud of being unpleasant, disagreeable, or generally an asshole, and insinuates that there is something wrong with people who cannot handle that bad behaviour. Uses their open admission of being an asshole as a defence against other people calling them on bad behaviour (“I warned you...”). Also boasts about nasty things they have done to others, even at their own expense (cutting off their nose to spite their face).
11. Takes financial advantage of you, such as not repaying loans.
12. Immediately tries to establish their own close relationships with your friends, especially before you and they have actually established a relationship of your own. Resents it if you are uncomfortable with this.
13. Has no friends of the same gender. The only such "friends" they have are the significant others of their opposite-gender friends.
14. Has friends that are mostly seriously disturbed people.
15. Does something blatantly and shockingly disrespectful and then blames you for feeling hurt or upset.
16. Constantly blames other people for their own problems - i.e. everyone else in the city is flaky, narcissistic, and unreliable, and also all their exes are crazy to boot.
17. Blames you for every relationship problem: you are too sensitive, you cannot handle them, you are neurotic, you are insecure. It is never their problem.
18. Is pushy about sex and does not bother to ask about your boundaries. Also assumes that sex with you is a given no matter what the emotional climate.
19. Engages and disengages without warning - constantly demands your time and attention, but then acts emotionally distant when together.
20. Engages in risky sexual behaviour or other behaviours that stand a good chance of hurting people other than themself.
21. Attempts to “improve” you, couching it in terms like “you can be so much more than this” that seem favourable. This eventually turns to comparing you unfavourably against other people or otherwise insinuating that you are not meeting their standards.
22. Holds other friends or exes as standards for you to live up to, or conversely heavily insinuates that you will never be quite as good as said friends or exes.
23. Makes no attempt to get to know you, but rather assumes that they can categorize you based on past experience with others and then attempts to deal with you according to those rules.
24. Constantly mixes up their own facts and actively avoids situations in which their word can be corroborated or refuted by third parties.
25. Resents your having needs outside the relationship - even something as simple as an evening to yourself - and calls you selfish, or worse, for asserting them.
26. Gets angry and resentful about you mentioning past relationships, or other current ones if you are in a consensually and openly non-monogamous relationship.
27. Resents attention or interest shown to you by other people.
28. Refers to ex-SOs or ex-spouses in a way that is verbally abusive.
29. Consistently treats other people with more warmth and consideration than they treat you.
30. Attempts to make you feel lucky or privileged to be with them rather than letting you decide on your own.
31. Never apologizes, or apologizes in a passive-aggressive way that places blame on you or others, never on themself.
32. Talks about how much they dislike certain people, then act like the best of friends to said people's faces.
33. Gets angry or passive-aggressive if you don't run life exactly on their schedule.
34. Creeps out or otherwise unnerves more than one of your close friends or other trustworthy people.
35. Seems like a “diamond in the rough” or a “lost puppy” needing care.
36. Is on the rebound, especially from a long-term relationship (ESPECIALLY a marriage).
37. Suffers from some kind of chronic ailment but refuses to get any treatment for it, and then uses it as an excuse for why they are nasty.
38. Acts extremely differently around others than when around you.
39. Withdraws attention or love when you ask for accountability and responsibility and insinuates that it is your fault it is gone.
40. Acts in a way that effectively separates you from your friends, family, and other support network, or actually tells you to "filter" your conversations with them.
The list has over 150 items, many of which I find are actually variations of the same concept. Because I finally had some time to myself, I ended up condensing them and comparing them against my own experiences, and concluded that I should really have paid more attention to the Red Flag List. The rule of thumb for it is that if someone you meet does one thing on the list, get ready to leave, and if they do two or more, run fast and far; I've been idiot enough to continue to date people who cover at least half of the items on this list at once.
This list is posted to help anyone who might find it useful, but also mainly so that I can remind myself never to be such a moron again. Feel free to comment with your own.
Beware a potential significant other who:
1. Lies to you, and then when caught out on the lie is not only totally unrepentant, but attempts to justify the lie and advises that others do the same.
2. Tells you grandiose stories of past experiences and accomplishments that don't seem to make sense when viewed together.
3. Is looking for a “soulmate,” a “muse” or “another half.” They are not looking for you, but rather for something to fill a perceived void.
4. Tells you many deeply intimate things or deep, dark secrets very early on. This operates on the trust principle and the reciprocity norm -- they show you that they trust you by exposing these supposed vulnerabilities, so you feel obligated to trust in return.
5. Attempts to establish a very emotionally intimate relationship with you as soon as possible. Disregards, denigrates, downplays or otherwise violates clearly stated emotional boundaries.
6. Has a surprisingly and suspiciously large number of things in common with you. This makes use of the similarity principle -- we tend to trust people who are like us or are similar to people we trust.
7. Does things to make you feel financially or emotionally obligated to them, without your asking - lends you money, or does grandiose things to make you feel special, then brings it up later. A more sophisticated manipulator will make it seem like they are doing you a favour when they give you basic courtesies such as remembering to invite you out to parties or not having sex with your friends before you're comfortable with the idea. This makes use of the reciprocity norm. See also obligation principle.
8. Makes effusive or extravagant gestures to hook you, then drops the special effects once you have been reeled in. This makes use of the bait-and-switch technique - once you have committed enough to anything to think of it as yours, you will make concessions in order to keep it. The greater your commitment, the more you are willing to concede.
9. Gives you gifts and then takes them back after a fight, or punishes you in a fight by telling you of “surprise” things they were going to do for you but now will not do because of your behaviour. This is a variant on the bait-and-switch. These were never gifts - they were bargaining chips used to secure your compliance.
10. Is openly proud of being unpleasant, disagreeable, or generally an asshole, and insinuates that there is something wrong with people who cannot handle that bad behaviour. Uses their open admission of being an asshole as a defence against other people calling them on bad behaviour (“I warned you...”). Also boasts about nasty things they have done to others, even at their own expense (cutting off their nose to spite their face).
11. Takes financial advantage of you, such as not repaying loans.
12. Immediately tries to establish their own close relationships with your friends, especially before you and they have actually established a relationship of your own. Resents it if you are uncomfortable with this.
13. Has no friends of the same gender. The only such "friends" they have are the significant others of their opposite-gender friends.
14. Has friends that are mostly seriously disturbed people.
15. Does something blatantly and shockingly disrespectful and then blames you for feeling hurt or upset.
16. Constantly blames other people for their own problems - i.e. everyone else in the city is flaky, narcissistic, and unreliable, and also all their exes are crazy to boot.
17. Blames you for every relationship problem: you are too sensitive, you cannot handle them, you are neurotic, you are insecure. It is never their problem.
18. Is pushy about sex and does not bother to ask about your boundaries. Also assumes that sex with you is a given no matter what the emotional climate.
19. Engages and disengages without warning - constantly demands your time and attention, but then acts emotionally distant when together.
20. Engages in risky sexual behaviour or other behaviours that stand a good chance of hurting people other than themself.
21. Attempts to “improve” you, couching it in terms like “you can be so much more than this” that seem favourable. This eventually turns to comparing you unfavourably against other people or otherwise insinuating that you are not meeting their standards.
22. Holds other friends or exes as standards for you to live up to, or conversely heavily insinuates that you will never be quite as good as said friends or exes.
23. Makes no attempt to get to know you, but rather assumes that they can categorize you based on past experience with others and then attempts to deal with you according to those rules.
24. Constantly mixes up their own facts and actively avoids situations in which their word can be corroborated or refuted by third parties.
25. Resents your having needs outside the relationship - even something as simple as an evening to yourself - and calls you selfish, or worse, for asserting them.
26. Gets angry and resentful about you mentioning past relationships, or other current ones if you are in a consensually and openly non-monogamous relationship.
27. Resents attention or interest shown to you by other people.
28. Refers to ex-SOs or ex-spouses in a way that is verbally abusive.
29. Consistently treats other people with more warmth and consideration than they treat you.
30. Attempts to make you feel lucky or privileged to be with them rather than letting you decide on your own.
31. Never apologizes, or apologizes in a passive-aggressive way that places blame on you or others, never on themself.
32. Talks about how much they dislike certain people, then act like the best of friends to said people's faces.
33. Gets angry or passive-aggressive if you don't run life exactly on their schedule.
34. Creeps out or otherwise unnerves more than one of your close friends or other trustworthy people.
35. Seems like a “diamond in the rough” or a “lost puppy” needing care.
36. Is on the rebound, especially from a long-term relationship (ESPECIALLY a marriage).
37. Suffers from some kind of chronic ailment but refuses to get any treatment for it, and then uses it as an excuse for why they are nasty.
38. Acts extremely differently around others than when around you.
39. Withdraws attention or love when you ask for accountability and responsibility and insinuates that it is your fault it is gone.
40. Acts in a way that effectively separates you from your friends, family, and other support network, or actually tells you to "filter" your conversations with them.