Jun 15, 2005 21:02
ok so i was wrong. i didn't update about my weekend when i said i would. hence i've forgotten pretty much everything that i would've written.
maybe summer is supposed to be a challenge. all this free time is supposed to make you think about your life and what you're really doing. i really want to work. actually i just want money. =) i shouldn't worry about it though... maybe i just need something big this summer. i can't seem to get over the incredible laziness that i've fallen into. however, i was happy to learn when i saw my friends in berkeley that everyone else's summers were sucking so i felt better.
last weekend was pretty fun. it had like major ups and downs. it was the most fun i'd had in a few weeks and then i also felt incredibly sad as well. since going to college and everything, leaving it all behind, i struggled to figure out where i was supposed to be and what i was doing here. and it was so awesome like the last few months of school just felt so good. for the first time it really fit. like this is where i belong now. these are my friends whom i love. and this is my home. then moving back for summer felt so crazy coz i was going "home" but i hadn't lived there for the past 9 months. i feel weird writing this. anyway. i was feeling sad that it was over as school ended coz i don't think i'll see my friends from the dorms nearly as much as i would like to. but i've been telling myself not to worry about it coz everything changes and i shouldn't be afraid of that.
so i ended up sitting outside of cafe strada on friday afternoon waiting for tianyi, jeff, and ian to get to berkeley. i just sat there for over 2 hours reading a book and feeling ridiculously sophisticated and mature for reading at a cafe. but when i wasn't reading and i would just stare at the ground as i listened to my ipod i got this sudden wave of loneliness. it was so strong because loneliness is such as scary thing. i didn't know why i was waiting there and i couldn't help feeling sorry for myself. pretty lame i know. but i realized something as i brooded. (yes i have a lot of those, often right after one another). my security and happiness that i had felt back during the semester wasn't because i belonged there and berkeley was where i was supposed to be. i don't believe that i really belong anywhere. but i needed my friends because they make me feel less lonely. we're not friends because i have anything to offer anyone really. just myself, separate from everything, needing someone to tell me that i don't have to be alone anymore. and there i was feeling depressed about my place in the world; reading that book to see what don miller had to say about life.
finally i thought, why am i still sitting here? so i got up and walked out of the cafe. "what are you doing?" i asked. "i'm going to go get something that will make me happy."
"what could you buy that will make you happy?" "uh... cinnamon trident?" "ah. good point." then i realized that i should get pearl milk tea which was a pretty boss idea. and yeah, ever since i've come home i've started to talk to myself. so i cheered up with my drink and then tianyi called and i met up with them. later we all hung out with erich and pface too. good times.
moral of the story: if you're lonely, for goodness sake do not sit in a cafe and think about how lonely you are for two hours.
so this is really long. i'll stop now. have a good night ustedes.