[oneshot] What hurts the most
Title: What Hurts The Most
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Jaemin
Rating: PG13
Warning: Character's death. some vulgar language
A/N: Inspired by What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts. It's raining here so I feel a bit angsty
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
It’s raining again. Changmin grabs the buckets stacked in the store room and places them beneath the leaks. He has never gotten around to fixing the roof, not because he’s lazy, but he just didn’t want to. He switches off his Ipod, and instead listens to the calming pitter patter of the rain. It’s the same thing every time, and Changmin thinks he’s going crazy because it’s been 10 years, and every time it rains, he clenches his chest, sits on the window sill, and silently cry.
He’s not used to it yet.
“Changmin! You lazy ass! Go and fix the goddamned roof!” Jaejoong’s shouts can be heard opposite the sound of the rain. Changmin whines and grunts and picks himself up off the sofa and into the kitchen where the delicious smell of Jaejoong’s cooking originates. Changmin wraps his arms around the older man, and deeply inhale the natural scent of Jaejoong. Strawberries from his shampoo and another kind of scent he can’t put his finger on.
“I’ll fix it later okay?” Changmin mumbles into the crook of Jaejoong’s neck, and kisses lightly on the sensitive skin.
“Fine but promise you fix it later, I swear the next time I trip on a bucket…” Changmin chuckles listening to his lover nagging.
He’s going to fix it one day.
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
A knock on the door startles Changmin and he quickly wipes away the remaining tears on his cheeks. Looking at the mirror, he makes sure there are no signs of grief and then takes a deep breath. Opening the door, he finds Yoochun shivering with a pack of beer. Changmin doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t need to, and steps aside when Yoochun invites himself in.
“It’s pretty heavy outside isn’t it?” Yoochun shakes himself and takes off his jacket, hanging it on the old coat rack that reminds Changmin he needs to buy a new one before termites start devouring it up.
“Yeah, what are you doing here anyway?” Changmin finally speaks up, and he’s thankful that his voice hasn’t cracked.
“I was alone, and I thought you were alone, so we should warm up with some beer and popcorn. Plus Junsu is playing tonight.” Yoochun chirps, as if nothing is wrong, and all is well, but Changmin knows Yoochun knows, yet he’s blissfully ignorant.
Changmin and Yoochun laughs as Junsu rages about his team getting a penalty. They munch on popcorn and insert butt jokes about Junsu that never seem to grow old.
When the soccer match ended, Yoochun turns off the television and they sit in silence.
“So are you going to the reunion?” Yoochun asks pretending to be nonchalant, as if it wouldn’t affect Changmin, but it does.
Changmin swirls his beer and downs the whole content. “I guess I’m going.”
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go,
But I’m doin’ It,
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
There were lots of familiar faces that greeted him. Changmin, on the other hand, feels like everything is buzzing past him, the nostalgia knocks him over a little too hard but he’s holding on.
Yunho and Yoochun come up to him, arms securely around each other’s waist, and Changmin could literally hear his heart break and smash into pieces. He shakes hands with the both of them, who looks like drunk lovers, happy lovers.
“Long time no see.” Yunho greets with a dazzling smile. Changmin thinks he can never smile like that again.
Laughs, smiles, chinking of glasses, everything is running past him, and he feels like he’s standing alone, or at least, trying to find a familiar face, he knows he won’t see him, he’s just trying his luck.
He catches the sight of the two lovebirds, Yunho kissing Yoochun’s forehead, and Yoochun’s arm is tightly wounded around Yunho’s waist. They share a whisper, and Changmin smiles for a second.
They used to be like that.
“Changmin, stop it people are looking at us.” Jaejoong whispers nervously as Changmin drops kisses on every inch of Jaejoong’s face.
“Let them see.” Changmin answers. He ignores the rest of the world, and focuses on Jaejoong, only Jaejoong. His feet carries Jaejoong and him across the floor in time with the slow music and Jaejoong could feel weird stares as well as adoring ones.
“Changmin…”
“Hmm?”
“What do you see in the future?”
Changmin chuckles lightly. “I’m not a fortune-teller, hyung.”
Jaejoong hits Changmin on the shoulder, partly for ruining the atmosphere. “I am serious.”
Changmin doesn’t have to think, because he knows his future and he has it all planned out. He’s not 100% percent sure what he’ll be doing, but one thing he knows for certain.
“I don’t know, just that I know, whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it with you.”
Still Harder, Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret,
But I know if I could do it over, I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart,
That I left unspoken
Changmin wakes up, and it’s still raining. He hates rainy days, not just because it’s inconvenient, but rainy days always remind him that he’ll always be alone.
“Jaejoong would you just get off my back?!” Changmin snaps, and Jaejoong is surprised.
“I’m tired, and you’re just asking for it.”
“You think you’re tired?! I’m fucking tired myself! It’s been years Changmin! How long are we going to keep this a secret?! Why are you still denying me in front of everyone? Don’t you love me?” Jaejoong is teary, and he’s on the edge of flipping everything.
“See? There you go again! Why are you so selfish? How the hell do you think people are going to take this? You always do this, and I always tell you it’s not time yet. Especially not now, we’ve got a whole career ahead of us. Now stop with the ‘Don’t you love me’ crap.” Changmin flops on the couch and flips between channels mindlessly.
“Fuck you Changmin. Everyone knows already. Our parents know, and they are fine with it, Yunho, Yoochun and Junsu knows, heck even fans already know. Who’s approval do you want?! Or are you too ashamed of us?” Jaejoong bites back, and it’s Changmin’s last straw.
“Can you shut the fuck up already?! Maybe you like prancing around and showing everyone that you aren’t straight but I don’t. I don’t like publicizing my relationships be it straight or not. So stop asking people for attention goddammit!” Changmin shouts, and Jaejoong cannot hear it, because the words are too sharp, it hurts too much.
“Fine.” Jaejoong says with finality, picks up an umbrella, and slams the front door.
Changmin collapses when Jaejoong’s parents shows up in front of his house, and break to him the bad news.
What hurts the most, Is being so close
And having so much to say, And watching you walk away
Changmin can’t keep his promises. He reckons the biggest promise he made to Jaejoong is the one he can’t keep. Because truthfully, he never thought that Jaejoong would go to heaven first, and he promised that in the future, everything he’ll do, he’ll do it with Jaejoong.
But he can’t die can he?
He locks the door, the windows, cut off all sorts of communication, and just lie in bed, for hours because it’s cold, and it’s raining, and he’s alone.
He’ll never forgive himself.
And never knowing, What could have been
And not seeing that loving you, Is what I was trying to do
It’s been 10 years, and one day, finally, Changmin decides to fix the roof, because it’ll give him a piece of mind. It’s been 10 years, and he finally thinks he can move on with his life. He wakes up, get the tools needed, and fix the roof with his earphones stuck in his ears, music blasting at maximum volume.
When he finishes fixing the leaks on the roof, he gives himself a mental pat on the back, and thinks that Jaejoong would be proud of him. He smiles, a genuine one that hasn’t seen the light of day for a long time, and he’s finally thinking that it’s okay.
But it’s not.
He sleeps in the afternoon and there’s no buckets on the floor anymore, and it’s okay, the bed being cold and empty, he’s already accustomed to that. What isn’t okay is seeing Jaejoong, just a glimpse, a cold wind coming from no where, and the smell of strawberries and that scent he can’t put his finger on wafts under his nose. He can hear Jaejoong laughing, and almost, almost feel Jaejoong’s ghost kisses on his cheek and lips.
“I love you, always.”
Changmin breaks down, and he cries, hard. He hits the pillow and curses underneath his breath. Jaejoong probably is getting his revenge, and so Changmin curses the bastard again and again, saying vulgar language and then words of longing and love.
He thought he was okay, but he isn’t, and he starts all over from where he was.
Alone.
“I saw you, I heard you. I love you. I’m keeping my promises Jae.”
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Jaemin
Rating: PG13
Warning: Character's death. some vulgar language
A/N: Inspired by What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts. It's raining here so I feel a bit angsty
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
It’s raining again. Changmin grabs the buckets stacked in the store room and places them beneath the leaks. He has never gotten around to fixing the roof, not because he’s lazy, but he just didn’t want to. He switches off his Ipod, and instead listens to the calming pitter patter of the rain. It’s the same thing every time, and Changmin thinks he’s going crazy because it’s been 10 years, and every time it rains, he clenches his chest, sits on the window sill, and silently cry.
He’s not used to it yet.
“Changmin! You lazy ass! Go and fix the goddamned roof!” Jaejoong’s shouts can be heard opposite the sound of the rain. Changmin whines and grunts and picks himself up off the sofa and into the kitchen where the delicious smell of Jaejoong’s cooking originates. Changmin wraps his arms around the older man, and deeply inhale the natural scent of Jaejoong. Strawberries from his shampoo and another kind of scent he can’t put his finger on.
“I’ll fix it later okay?” Changmin mumbles into the crook of Jaejoong’s neck, and kisses lightly on the sensitive skin.
“Fine but promise you fix it later, I swear the next time I trip on a bucket…” Changmin chuckles listening to his lover nagging.
He’s going to fix it one day.
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
A knock on the door startles Changmin and he quickly wipes away the remaining tears on his cheeks. Looking at the mirror, he makes sure there are no signs of grief and then takes a deep breath. Opening the door, he finds Yoochun shivering with a pack of beer. Changmin doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t need to, and steps aside when Yoochun invites himself in.
“It’s pretty heavy outside isn’t it?” Yoochun shakes himself and takes off his jacket, hanging it on the old coat rack that reminds Changmin he needs to buy a new one before termites start devouring it up.
“Yeah, what are you doing here anyway?” Changmin finally speaks up, and he’s thankful that his voice hasn’t cracked.
“I was alone, and I thought you were alone, so we should warm up with some beer and popcorn. Plus Junsu is playing tonight.” Yoochun chirps, as if nothing is wrong, and all is well, but Changmin knows Yoochun knows, yet he’s blissfully ignorant.
Changmin and Yoochun laughs as Junsu rages about his team getting a penalty. They munch on popcorn and insert butt jokes about Junsu that never seem to grow old.
When the soccer match ended, Yoochun turns off the television and they sit in silence.
“So are you going to the reunion?” Yoochun asks pretending to be nonchalant, as if it wouldn’t affect Changmin, but it does.
Changmin swirls his beer and downs the whole content. “I guess I’m going.”
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go,
But I’m doin’ It,
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
There were lots of familiar faces that greeted him. Changmin, on the other hand, feels like everything is buzzing past him, the nostalgia knocks him over a little too hard but he’s holding on.
Yunho and Yoochun come up to him, arms securely around each other’s waist, and Changmin could literally hear his heart break and smash into pieces. He shakes hands with the both of them, who looks like drunk lovers, happy lovers.
“Long time no see.” Yunho greets with a dazzling smile. Changmin thinks he can never smile like that again.
Laughs, smiles, chinking of glasses, everything is running past him, and he feels like he’s standing alone, or at least, trying to find a familiar face, he knows he won’t see him, he’s just trying his luck.
He catches the sight of the two lovebirds, Yunho kissing Yoochun’s forehead, and Yoochun’s arm is tightly wounded around Yunho’s waist. They share a whisper, and Changmin smiles for a second.
They used to be like that.
“Changmin, stop it people are looking at us.” Jaejoong whispers nervously as Changmin drops kisses on every inch of Jaejoong’s face.
“Let them see.” Changmin answers. He ignores the rest of the world, and focuses on Jaejoong, only Jaejoong. His feet carries Jaejoong and him across the floor in time with the slow music and Jaejoong could feel weird stares as well as adoring ones.
“Changmin…”
“Hmm?”
“What do you see in the future?”
Changmin chuckles lightly. “I’m not a fortune-teller, hyung.”
Jaejoong hits Changmin on the shoulder, partly for ruining the atmosphere. “I am serious.”
Changmin doesn’t have to think, because he knows his future and he has it all planned out. He’s not 100% percent sure what he’ll be doing, but one thing he knows for certain.
“I don’t know, just that I know, whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it with you.”
Still Harder, Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret,
But I know if I could do it over, I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart,
That I left unspoken
Changmin wakes up, and it’s still raining. He hates rainy days, not just because it’s inconvenient, but rainy days always remind him that he’ll always be alone.
“Jaejoong would you just get off my back?!” Changmin snaps, and Jaejoong is surprised.
“I’m tired, and you’re just asking for it.”
“You think you’re tired?! I’m fucking tired myself! It’s been years Changmin! How long are we going to keep this a secret?! Why are you still denying me in front of everyone? Don’t you love me?” Jaejoong is teary, and he’s on the edge of flipping everything.
“See? There you go again! Why are you so selfish? How the hell do you think people are going to take this? You always do this, and I always tell you it’s not time yet. Especially not now, we’ve got a whole career ahead of us. Now stop with the ‘Don’t you love me’ crap.” Changmin flops on the couch and flips between channels mindlessly.
“Fuck you Changmin. Everyone knows already. Our parents know, and they are fine with it, Yunho, Yoochun and Junsu knows, heck even fans already know. Who’s approval do you want?! Or are you too ashamed of us?” Jaejoong bites back, and it’s Changmin’s last straw.
“Can you shut the fuck up already?! Maybe you like prancing around and showing everyone that you aren’t straight but I don’t. I don’t like publicizing my relationships be it straight or not. So stop asking people for attention goddammit!” Changmin shouts, and Jaejoong cannot hear it, because the words are too sharp, it hurts too much.
“Fine.” Jaejoong says with finality, picks up an umbrella, and slams the front door.
Changmin collapses when Jaejoong’s parents shows up in front of his house, and break to him the bad news.
What hurts the most, Is being so close
And having so much to say, And watching you walk away
Changmin can’t keep his promises. He reckons the biggest promise he made to Jaejoong is the one he can’t keep. Because truthfully, he never thought that Jaejoong would go to heaven first, and he promised that in the future, everything he’ll do, he’ll do it with Jaejoong.
But he can’t die can he?
He locks the door, the windows, cut off all sorts of communication, and just lie in bed, for hours because it’s cold, and it’s raining, and he’s alone.
He’ll never forgive himself.
And never knowing, What could have been
And not seeing that loving you, Is what I was trying to do
It’s been 10 years, and one day, finally, Changmin decides to fix the roof, because it’ll give him a piece of mind. It’s been 10 years, and he finally thinks he can move on with his life. He wakes up, get the tools needed, and fix the roof with his earphones stuck in his ears, music blasting at maximum volume.
When he finishes fixing the leaks on the roof, he gives himself a mental pat on the back, and thinks that Jaejoong would be proud of him. He smiles, a genuine one that hasn’t seen the light of day for a long time, and he’s finally thinking that it’s okay.
But it’s not.
He sleeps in the afternoon and there’s no buckets on the floor anymore, and it’s okay, the bed being cold and empty, he’s already accustomed to that. What isn’t okay is seeing Jaejoong, just a glimpse, a cold wind coming from no where, and the smell of strawberries and that scent he can’t put his finger on wafts under his nose. He can hear Jaejoong laughing, and almost, almost feel Jaejoong’s ghost kisses on his cheek and lips.
“I love you, always.”
Changmin breaks down, and he cries, hard. He hits the pillow and curses underneath his breath. Jaejoong probably is getting his revenge, and so Changmin curses the bastard again and again, saying vulgar language and then words of longing and love.
He thought he was okay, but he isn’t, and he starts all over from where he was.
Alone.
“I saw you, I heard you. I love you. I’m keeping my promises Jae.”