(no subject)
I have suspended my cell phone. I don't have any money. For Yugoslavia. For Credit cards. For Eric. Tuition is not paid for this last year. I can't get my marks or register for classes, or even declare. I need another job. There will be no trip this year. Even though I secretly hope that somehow it will just happen. I don't get to see my family. I don't get to get out of here. I don't get to go away for at least a little bit and get a sense of myself. Pull my head out of this bucket of shit that is "Our New Life" here. I can taste the bitterness. I can feel my gums tingle as I imagine my face crushed. I am angry that there is nothing I can do for myself. I am angry that I do not want to do anything for myself. I am angry that I get worse just to see if there is anyone that will pull me out. I am angry because I still think that something will change. I am angry because this has all been a painful mistake - and we are here, alone, isolated, strangers. This is cultural shock. This is cultural guilt. This is a failed experiment.
Poke me and see if I twitch.