(no subject)
.breathless.
I cannot get rid of this nauseated skin feeling. My anger feels only like some receding scratch from a hand sinking into a dark pool with heaviness and scream. I am annoyed to my teeth by this limited language and this meaty need for something to connect to. To see something bleed and die before me, to feel that intimacy with its fading warmth in my hands and know that there was a spark which has now turned to a scar in my palm. This music, like the nodes in my brain twitching, is the wave through which I swim. The radiation is like jell in my room. I am squirming beneath the weight of this. I am making that ugly contorted face, while the juice oozes out of me, the outer shell crackles and twists, and I squeal like a gutted goat. This is my human self, love me now.
The severed electrical wires inside my chest are snapping and twitching unpredictably. The sparks are flying as the raw ends are snapping against the metal. An uprooted tree lives inside the fire, its roots, the tentacles, ache just as the wires do. It blooms in my bowels and the flowers are of putrid shit and waste.
The chewing mouth that can never be fed, gulps at passing air but it is stale and crammed. It pouts listlessly and then hides. And by this time I am hysterical that I may become the wrinkled child that is only here out of pity, for the young ones are invincible for that short while before they begin to cling. That quickly faded time of youth when life is accelerating, and could not yet impress upon us its intention to keep going. After that time comes the fear, after that time comes the drone, the gray notes that reflect in our eyes. It is now and then it is never, much too fast.
Fireworks of petrifaction. A twitching, dying, porous sack in bed beside you. Will you not see that I am inside out? Can you not tell that I am drying, and will soon become a wafer shell? I am cracking like charred flesh before you; please do not be so kind as to not notice. Cold propriety and shards of glass in between each joint. And it feels like I would break through to the other side of me if I pushed hard enough. There would be nothing after that.