(no subject)
I am completely against the concept of white lies. Fully and unquestionably.
I find myself at odds with those who use them on a regular basis, and those who promote the concept and idea.
To those under a rock, a white lie is a lie told within a person's "best interest".
In other words, the lie is told in order to protect their feelings, or encourage their pursuit.
The best example of this is "No honey, that dress does not make you look fat"
Telling a white lie is essentially crippling a person in relationship aspects, and in their ability to cope with reality. Let us return to the example of the fat dress.
There are two clear-cut solutions here... i won't deal with decoying or weasel words. When asked the direct statement of "Does this dress make me look fat?" then the respondent has one of two choices in which to say (assuming that yes, you do look overweight in that garment)
"Yes, the dress makes you look fat"
or
"No, the dress makes you look slim as a ballerina"
When telling the blunt truth, you are communicating several things to the questioner. The first is that you are reaffirming that your opinion will be honest, no matter what the consequences. Bias will not impede the flow of useful information, and you value their intellectual capacities enough not to play the condescending role. In addition to that, you are communicating your assessment of that person's physique. There is no clothing that is sold that will make any slim person fat. This is in the world of theatrics only. Heavier perhaps, or concealing of litheness, but not weight disproportionate to height, in the higher quantitative sense. You are communicating to the recipient that you think they are fat, plump, whatever words you may say in the natural mode. Whether you approve of this or not should largely be irrelevant with this statement, but that is not always the case. What does matter is that the person who asked the original question now knows, that they are percieved as fat. If they are comfortable with this, then why do they ask the question in the first place? Likely, they are uncomfortable with their weight, and the original basis of the question did not lay in the appeal of the chosen clothing, but whether or not the originator is perceived as fat. They now can take appropriate action, either becoming comfortable with their weight, or make attempts to remove it. In this case, the question has a double meaning, but by answering honestly, the point is still served on all basis's.
With the white lie, there are many tangents that become connected to the original question unexpectedly. First, is that the questioner detects the lie. This is unfortunate. They now have their answer, albeit through inference of a negative, and they also have the information that you lied to them. While some people may shrug this off as a "they did it so they wouldn't hurt my feelings" there are others who lose trust in the person they chose to question. I have had people argue that losing trust over such a simple lie is preposterous and altogether overly critical, but I say this to them. If they will lie over something that does not need to be lied, what will they do when the lie will protect THEIR feelings? Humans experience selflessness and living for others, but we still have a vested self interest. Lying to protect others seems empathetic, an emotion reserved for those people thought to be mentally complex. How hard would it be to lie purely with self-interest at heart?
In addition to destroying trust, the person is being unnecessarily shielded from light harm in a trial run situation. Compare the harm of being rebuffed at buying a fat dress, as to the harm of buying that dress, wearing it to an office party, and becoming the laughingstock of those that are not so "courteous". By all means, hearing an unpleasant truth is much easier to shrug off, get over, and grow from, then stumbling headfirst into that truth by the callousness of others.
White lies impede information, information that people can use to make fully informed decisions.
So what should be done in exchange of these lies? There are numerous tactics. In situations where it would be impolite for brutal honesty, it may be necessary to soften the blow. Commenting on your bosses horrific new tie for example. When all the other co-workers are raving about the thing, and the boss asks you your opinion, you are at an unfortunate crux. If you tell the blunt truth, you will be regarded as impolite by everyone (as society has conditioned us for this lie). If the boss does not put any stock in your words, he will remember you as a negative and dour person, certainly a bad note come performance review. If the boss takes your side, he will realize that the previous people who slobbered on the thing are brown nosers. While he will think favorably of you for making the hard decisions and being honest, your coworkers will basically have had their nips twisted by you. Which is unfortunate should you require their aid in the future.
Either excuse yourself, or lay the comment on your own preferences "I truthfully don't like neon as a tie color". Do it tactfully.
In contrast, there are people who perpetuate this by asking questions that they expect to recieve white lies. These people have no basis in reality.
Also, telling white lies is usually a reactionary thing. People ask, lies are delivered. If people do not ask, don't attempt to bring it up if it makes you uncomfortable, or look bad. If asked directly however, tell the truth.
I just don't like white lies.
I find myself at odds with those who use them on a regular basis, and those who promote the concept and idea.
To those under a rock, a white lie is a lie told within a person's "best interest".
In other words, the lie is told in order to protect their feelings, or encourage their pursuit.
The best example of this is "No honey, that dress does not make you look fat"
Telling a white lie is essentially crippling a person in relationship aspects, and in their ability to cope with reality. Let us return to the example of the fat dress.
There are two clear-cut solutions here... i won't deal with decoying or weasel words. When asked the direct statement of "Does this dress make me look fat?" then the respondent has one of two choices in which to say (assuming that yes, you do look overweight in that garment)
"Yes, the dress makes you look fat"
or
"No, the dress makes you look slim as a ballerina"
When telling the blunt truth, you are communicating several things to the questioner. The first is that you are reaffirming that your opinion will be honest, no matter what the consequences. Bias will not impede the flow of useful information, and you value their intellectual capacities enough not to play the condescending role. In addition to that, you are communicating your assessment of that person's physique. There is no clothing that is sold that will make any slim person fat. This is in the world of theatrics only. Heavier perhaps, or concealing of litheness, but not weight disproportionate to height, in the higher quantitative sense. You are communicating to the recipient that you think they are fat, plump, whatever words you may say in the natural mode. Whether you approve of this or not should largely be irrelevant with this statement, but that is not always the case. What does matter is that the person who asked the original question now knows, that they are percieved as fat. If they are comfortable with this, then why do they ask the question in the first place? Likely, they are uncomfortable with their weight, and the original basis of the question did not lay in the appeal of the chosen clothing, but whether or not the originator is perceived as fat. They now can take appropriate action, either becoming comfortable with their weight, or make attempts to remove it. In this case, the question has a double meaning, but by answering honestly, the point is still served on all basis's.
With the white lie, there are many tangents that become connected to the original question unexpectedly. First, is that the questioner detects the lie. This is unfortunate. They now have their answer, albeit through inference of a negative, and they also have the information that you lied to them. While some people may shrug this off as a "they did it so they wouldn't hurt my feelings" there are others who lose trust in the person they chose to question. I have had people argue that losing trust over such a simple lie is preposterous and altogether overly critical, but I say this to them. If they will lie over something that does not need to be lied, what will they do when the lie will protect THEIR feelings? Humans experience selflessness and living for others, but we still have a vested self interest. Lying to protect others seems empathetic, an emotion reserved for those people thought to be mentally complex. How hard would it be to lie purely with self-interest at heart?
In addition to destroying trust, the person is being unnecessarily shielded from light harm in a trial run situation. Compare the harm of being rebuffed at buying a fat dress, as to the harm of buying that dress, wearing it to an office party, and becoming the laughingstock of those that are not so "courteous". By all means, hearing an unpleasant truth is much easier to shrug off, get over, and grow from, then stumbling headfirst into that truth by the callousness of others.
White lies impede information, information that people can use to make fully informed decisions.
So what should be done in exchange of these lies? There are numerous tactics. In situations where it would be impolite for brutal honesty, it may be necessary to soften the blow. Commenting on your bosses horrific new tie for example. When all the other co-workers are raving about the thing, and the boss asks you your opinion, you are at an unfortunate crux. If you tell the blunt truth, you will be regarded as impolite by everyone (as society has conditioned us for this lie). If the boss does not put any stock in your words, he will remember you as a negative and dour person, certainly a bad note come performance review. If the boss takes your side, he will realize that the previous people who slobbered on the thing are brown nosers. While he will think favorably of you for making the hard decisions and being honest, your coworkers will basically have had their nips twisted by you. Which is unfortunate should you require their aid in the future.
Either excuse yourself, or lay the comment on your own preferences "I truthfully don't like neon as a tie color". Do it tactfully.
In contrast, there are people who perpetuate this by asking questions that they expect to recieve white lies. These people have no basis in reality.
Also, telling white lies is usually a reactionary thing. People ask, lies are delivered. If people do not ask, don't attempt to bring it up if it makes you uncomfortable, or look bad. If asked directly however, tell the truth.
I just don't like white lies.