Personal Issues
Yeah, this is long so just ignore this if you feel like your time can be better spent (and it probably can). This is for my benefit, not yours. You know, I don't know what it is, but I think I'm developing some crazy psychological issues. Either that or in an effort to feel "normal" I create the issues out of nowhere. Either that or I just feel really cranky at this moment in time. I think the point is I really don't know myself. Seems like a trivial thing to know who I am, but sometimes I don't know. Does everything I have to do have to have a reason? Does everything I do have to fit a pattern? I'd like to think not. Predictability is sometimes bad. I don't really know. I have nothing to complain about as far as I can tell. But that may just be because I'm basing it in comparison to other people's problems. But perhaps then I should just talk about what I don't complain about anyway. See, if I sound confusing it is because I'm confusing myself. Sometimes I feel like being an asshole just because everyone expects me to be something I'm not or they build me up to be something that's an exaggeration. Damn these social problems. If I lived in a cave by myself...Gollum! Erhem...
And now here I am blaring out my personal feelings online for anyone to read, though why anyone besides my friends would bother to read the boredom that is my personal nonsense is beyond me. See, sometimes I get passionately sad for no reason. Like I try to find out what's wrong and then it goes away. I feel like I'm missing a part of me. Maybe I'm just mad at imperfections in general, being a hypocrite. Mad at the imperfections in myself and the imperfections of society. Sure we all say "Nobody's perfect" but perhaps because we say that we limit ourselves to a particular course of action. I just want to sometimes make people angry at me apparently. I say stupid things, I do stupid things and I don't really think things through. Maybe that's a liberation for the responsible side of me, to just not care about anything. Then all I feel is regret. I may also be indecisive and unsure of myself judging from all the times I've used "may be" in this rant. I can't put my thoughts into words. I can't find what I really need to say. I'm holding myself back and I just want to live up to my potential because I feel like I could become someone glorious and special. It may come from too many comic books and years of hero worship in the books I read. The people there are so sure in their course of action and they seem to have everything mapped out perfectly. Batman is probably the best example. I always try to implement contingency plans for everything (sometime I picked up from Batman), but I think it isn't because I want to make sure I succeed, but to make sure I don't fail (if that makes any sense). I don't know I'm going to succeed, I'm just worried about my shortcomings. And like most people I wish there was a way I could just be told what I can do, but instead I must figure it out for myself. I feel like I should be motivated, but I'm not. And when I'm not motivated I get upset because I feel like I'm wasting my life. I know that my life is worthless if I don't do what I want to, but I suppose I don't know what I want. Too many distractions. May be I should put myself in a cave and live a reclusive life so I can get stuff done. But then I won't be able to do some of things I want to. So basicially I come out of this learning nothing new. I just need to go on retreat somewhere in the woods with pencil and paper and put to writing my life. It worked at Walden, but I really would prefer Minnesota. The worst part about this is that in five minutes non of what I wrote will matter. I'll be on a new train of thought and in a different emotional state.
And now here I am blaring out my personal feelings online for anyone to read, though why anyone besides my friends would bother to read the boredom that is my personal nonsense is beyond me. See, sometimes I get passionately sad for no reason. Like I try to find out what's wrong and then it goes away. I feel like I'm missing a part of me. Maybe I'm just mad at imperfections in general, being a hypocrite. Mad at the imperfections in myself and the imperfections of society. Sure we all say "Nobody's perfect" but perhaps because we say that we limit ourselves to a particular course of action. I just want to sometimes make people angry at me apparently. I say stupid things, I do stupid things and I don't really think things through. Maybe that's a liberation for the responsible side of me, to just not care about anything. Then all I feel is regret. I may also be indecisive and unsure of myself judging from all the times I've used "may be" in this rant. I can't put my thoughts into words. I can't find what I really need to say. I'm holding myself back and I just want to live up to my potential because I feel like I could become someone glorious and special. It may come from too many comic books and years of hero worship in the books I read. The people there are so sure in their course of action and they seem to have everything mapped out perfectly. Batman is probably the best example. I always try to implement contingency plans for everything (sometime I picked up from Batman), but I think it isn't because I want to make sure I succeed, but to make sure I don't fail (if that makes any sense). I don't know I'm going to succeed, I'm just worried about my shortcomings. And like most people I wish there was a way I could just be told what I can do, but instead I must figure it out for myself. I feel like I should be motivated, but I'm not. And when I'm not motivated I get upset because I feel like I'm wasting my life. I know that my life is worthless if I don't do what I want to, but I suppose I don't know what I want. Too many distractions. May be I should put myself in a cave and live a reclusive life so I can get stuff done. But then I won't be able to do some of things I want to. So basicially I come out of this learning nothing new. I just need to go on retreat somewhere in the woods with pencil and paper and put to writing my life. It worked at Walden, but I really would prefer Minnesota. The worst part about this is that in five minutes non of what I wrote will matter. I'll be on a new train of thought and in a different emotional state.