Just What I Needed . . .
After a crappy day at work. Not one, but TWO rejections: "Painted" from Strange Horizons and a couple of poems from Boulevard.
NOT looking for markets tonight. I'm not in the mood.
I can't do this sub job any more. When I first started it, I actually liked it. I liked the variety. I liked meeting so many different people. I used to be social that way, and liked the idea of no longer being a damn hermit in my home. Maybe make some friends. Get some work cred under my belt for something permanent. And, of course, the whole idea of helping my family. Then I long termed with some 6th graders who took it all out of me. I took 3 months off, went back into it when my husband got laid off because it's a job I know I can do.
I still hate it. It makes me physically ill to be in the classroom. I hate working with the kids. I hate working with Administrators who don't support their teachers or their subs. And I DESPISE having my writing time taken away.
I used to be a good sub. I didn't babysit, I taught. I took stuff with me that would help me help the kids if they needed it. And, yea, if needed, I wrote kids up. Discipline CAN'T wait until the teacher comes back. As soon as I learned I could write up kids, I started doing it. Really helped maintain the discipline. Teachers would back me up, even if parents (yes, PARENTS let their kids talk back to other adults in the classroom) and Administrators didn't.
Today I got threatened verbally by a 6th grader. On the one hand, it seems silly to feel remotely worried about one 6th grade kid. On the other, too many kids are killing kids on the streets AND in the classrooms. Nothing I did or said was at all effective in the classes today and I finally just gave up, wrote my long notes to the teacher, left as soon as I could. I did what I don't do -- I babysat. When I don't like being there and no longer do the best job I can, it's time to stop.
On top of this, me doing my best has done NOTHING to get me a job. The teachers think I'm fantastic and are amazed I haven't been offered anything. But they don't count, apparently. I've had one interview and no call back for a second. That's it.
We're in a bad place, and me not working is a bad thing. But I can't bring myself to step into a classroom as a sub again. I hate being in this place financially again and again. I hate doing all the right things (education, experience, and so on), jumping through all the hoops ($350 in tests, $50 in transcripts, and so on), and I hate knowing I could do a fantastic job as a regular teacher and not being able to do that.
I told my husband tonight that I can't do this anymore. He asked "What happened now?" It's not what happened now, it's what's been going on the whole damn time. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of the whole situation. Yea, I feel like shit because I feel like I'm abandoning the needs of my family, but this job doesn't even give me the little bit of comfort I used to have knowing I was helping to take care of them. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, and I'm just not doing it any more.
I'm calling in sick tomorrow afternoon. My son was sick yesterday so it's not too far of a stretch. And I'm refusing any more calls the last 3 days of the year. I'll keep hunting down work, I'll apply to anything I can remotely do outside of the school district, and I'm going to write. I know I may never get a novel published, but I'll never know for sure till I actually FINISH a thing to try. Tired of the job that comes home with me and takes my writing time away. So I'm done with it.
NOT looking for markets tonight. I'm not in the mood.
I can't do this sub job any more. When I first started it, I actually liked it. I liked the variety. I liked meeting so many different people. I used to be social that way, and liked the idea of no longer being a damn hermit in my home. Maybe make some friends. Get some work cred under my belt for something permanent. And, of course, the whole idea of helping my family. Then I long termed with some 6th graders who took it all out of me. I took 3 months off, went back into it when my husband got laid off because it's a job I know I can do.
I still hate it. It makes me physically ill to be in the classroom. I hate working with the kids. I hate working with Administrators who don't support their teachers or their subs. And I DESPISE having my writing time taken away.
I used to be a good sub. I didn't babysit, I taught. I took stuff with me that would help me help the kids if they needed it. And, yea, if needed, I wrote kids up. Discipline CAN'T wait until the teacher comes back. As soon as I learned I could write up kids, I started doing it. Really helped maintain the discipline. Teachers would back me up, even if parents (yes, PARENTS let their kids talk back to other adults in the classroom) and Administrators didn't.
Today I got threatened verbally by a 6th grader. On the one hand, it seems silly to feel remotely worried about one 6th grade kid. On the other, too many kids are killing kids on the streets AND in the classrooms. Nothing I did or said was at all effective in the classes today and I finally just gave up, wrote my long notes to the teacher, left as soon as I could. I did what I don't do -- I babysat. When I don't like being there and no longer do the best job I can, it's time to stop.
On top of this, me doing my best has done NOTHING to get me a job. The teachers think I'm fantastic and are amazed I haven't been offered anything. But they don't count, apparently. I've had one interview and no call back for a second. That's it.
We're in a bad place, and me not working is a bad thing. But I can't bring myself to step into a classroom as a sub again. I hate being in this place financially again and again. I hate doing all the right things (education, experience, and so on), jumping through all the hoops ($350 in tests, $50 in transcripts, and so on), and I hate knowing I could do a fantastic job as a regular teacher and not being able to do that.
I told my husband tonight that I can't do this anymore. He asked "What happened now?" It's not what happened now, it's what's been going on the whole damn time. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of the whole situation. Yea, I feel like shit because I feel like I'm abandoning the needs of my family, but this job doesn't even give me the little bit of comfort I used to have knowing I was helping to take care of them. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, and I'm just not doing it any more.
I'm calling in sick tomorrow afternoon. My son was sick yesterday so it's not too far of a stretch. And I'm refusing any more calls the last 3 days of the year. I'll keep hunting down work, I'll apply to anything I can remotely do outside of the school district, and I'm going to write. I know I may never get a novel published, but I'll never know for sure till I actually FINISH a thing to try. Tired of the job that comes home with me and takes my writing time away. So I'm done with it.