worthless.....
I know that this seems to have become a habit, but if you care to listen here is my life....
So I have been going to school for eleven months now and it seems like I struggle harder in every class. Even my english classes, which are typically my thing. I think that my problem is that I have recently learned that I lack the ability to deal with stress. I cannot take even the simplest thing without crying or getting depressed. Most of the people that I know keep telling me to go see a doctor, but I don't have insurance and I cannot afford an out of pocket fee to see one, plus prescriptions to boot. So I go without crucial meds just because I have a job working for Medicaid, that doesn't offer health insurance. If you know what Medicaid is, you will find irony in my current situation.
I have not been writing as much lately and I think that this has a lot to do with the stress. I typically spend all day working on the house and doing my job, then all night doing homework. I don't sleep much anymore and when I do get sleep, I am awoken by every noise I hear. Then this morning, I was awoken by my sister with a request to accompany her down the street to see just what the cops were doing (I live in a small town, we are all nosy neighbors). I found out that for the first time in sixteen years a woman was murdered. I live in the country and these things don't happen here, we feel safe in our commmunity. Most people in our town don't lock their doors. We trust everyone else. To top it off, it happened two blocks away and to a woman who we know. This woman is practically family to us and she was murdered senselessly because of drugs. Her son got in with the wrong crowd, they came to collect a debt, gagged her, put a trashbag over her head and threw her in a closet. I left the city to not deal with these things anymore. Her 12 year old son has nobody left and he is afraid to cry because his friends will make fun of him. Her 12 year old son happens to be my neices ex-boyfriend.
My father has been in and out of the hospital as well, heart problems on top of everything else, just fantastic! And my best friend has decided that she wants to get married to her boyfriend of a year and a half. This is a tender subject because everytime that it is brought up, somebody asks me if I am alright with it. I do not know that I have any say in the matter and I am warming up to her boyfriend, but sometimes I feel like I am going to be the only person at our ten year high school reunion that is alone. Then things like murder happen in our small town and I fear that I might just die alone in some horrible way, without ever having accomplished anything in my life.
These are the things that keep me up at night! I wish sometimes that I could turn my brain off and just be blissfully ignorant to everything that sucks about my life.
Well, I think I am going to try to write a little on my paper for this week, so I will talk to you guys later!
Love you all,
Jennifer C ;)
So I have been going to school for eleven months now and it seems like I struggle harder in every class. Even my english classes, which are typically my thing. I think that my problem is that I have recently learned that I lack the ability to deal with stress. I cannot take even the simplest thing without crying or getting depressed. Most of the people that I know keep telling me to go see a doctor, but I don't have insurance and I cannot afford an out of pocket fee to see one, plus prescriptions to boot. So I go without crucial meds just because I have a job working for Medicaid, that doesn't offer health insurance. If you know what Medicaid is, you will find irony in my current situation.
I have not been writing as much lately and I think that this has a lot to do with the stress. I typically spend all day working on the house and doing my job, then all night doing homework. I don't sleep much anymore and when I do get sleep, I am awoken by every noise I hear. Then this morning, I was awoken by my sister with a request to accompany her down the street to see just what the cops were doing (I live in a small town, we are all nosy neighbors). I found out that for the first time in sixteen years a woman was murdered. I live in the country and these things don't happen here, we feel safe in our commmunity. Most people in our town don't lock their doors. We trust everyone else. To top it off, it happened two blocks away and to a woman who we know. This woman is practically family to us and she was murdered senselessly because of drugs. Her son got in with the wrong crowd, they came to collect a debt, gagged her, put a trashbag over her head and threw her in a closet. I left the city to not deal with these things anymore. Her 12 year old son has nobody left and he is afraid to cry because his friends will make fun of him. Her 12 year old son happens to be my neices ex-boyfriend.
My father has been in and out of the hospital as well, heart problems on top of everything else, just fantastic! And my best friend has decided that she wants to get married to her boyfriend of a year and a half. This is a tender subject because everytime that it is brought up, somebody asks me if I am alright with it. I do not know that I have any say in the matter and I am warming up to her boyfriend, but sometimes I feel like I am going to be the only person at our ten year high school reunion that is alone. Then things like murder happen in our small town and I fear that I might just die alone in some horrible way, without ever having accomplished anything in my life.
These are the things that keep me up at night! I wish sometimes that I could turn my brain off and just be blissfully ignorant to everything that sucks about my life.
Well, I think I am going to try to write a little on my paper for this week, so I will talk to you guys later!
Love you all,
Jennifer C ;)