bored, but hanging in there.....
Hey guys,
How is everything going?
It’s been stressful here. I really hate the holiday season. I think that it’s been so hard that I’ve lost a few family members this year. We got a Christmas card from my Granny and for the first time ever it didn’t have my Pa’s name on it. I think that it hit me pretty hard because it’s the first Christmas that he’s not here. It’s not the same without him here.
I have been having such a hard time lately and I think it’s because I haven’t mourned properly. I don’t think though that I know how to mourn. Because if I did know how to mourn for people, I think I would cry at funerals. I found myself in a very foreign predicament at my grandfather’s funeral because I actually cried. My mother’s parents both died when I was younger and my mother’s twin brother died when I was in high school. I’ve lost friends, classmates, and too many family members to count, but I have never cried at a funeral. Then I went to my grandfather’s funeral and to be completely honest I think that it was just like twenty-five years of pent up frustration at losing people.
I think I’m angry as well because I tell people that I’ve lost three family members this year and they say, I’m sorry for your loss. How is it that these people can be sorry? They don’t know that my family members weren’t murderers or rapists; they just blindly tell you they are sorry. And then you get the worst, they’re in a better place. How the hell do you know that? And even if they are in a better place now, I still want them back. I don’t want the last thing that I told my sister to be you’re not my sister. I don’t want to have nothing but bad memories of my grandfather. I just want a do-over and I don’t get that anymore. I feel horrible about the things that I have done and said in my life and you can never take certain things back. I’ll be seventy and still remember that the last thing that I said to my sister before she died was that she wasn’t my sister.
So I think that I’ve dealt with depression on an extremely regular basis this year. Of course I’m going at it solo, without medication, but I haven’t had a day since before my birthday that I didn’t wake up and think, I just really want to die. I’ve even thought about starting to cut myself again and I really don’t want to think about stuff like that. I think that the only thing that has kept me from going back to that place that I was at is that I know that I have too much to lose if I have to go back into a mental hospital. But to be completely honest with you, I liked feeling like shit all the time. I have some of the best literary work of my life because I was drunk and suicidal. It seems to me that everyone is expecting me anymore to write and it’s such a struggle for me that I’ve even thought about giving it up. And then I get these times of depression and I truly feel like I’m myself again because I can write and actually feel like I’m good at it. I’m starting to wonder if I ever was a good writer or if it was just the depression talking.
Then I really think that if I start drinking again and go back to cutting myself that it will make it better and I’ll feel whole again. I’ve noticed that I’ve been angry a lot lately and I’m taking it out on everyone around me. I don’t think that I’ve ever been as angry as I am right now. I don’t know if I’m just getting older and I understand better what is going on around me and I don’t like it or if there is just some predisposed defect in me that is going to cost me everything. I think a lot of it is that I used to turn my anger inwards and be angry at myself, that is where the cutting came into play, but now that I am not doing that anymore, I am angry at everyone else. Does that mean that I’m a bad person or am I just venting? Walks used to calm me down or sleeping, but I either get back from a walk or wake up now and I’m still just as mad if not more. And I’m up to smoking about three packs of cigarettes a day, which is killing me. I’ve had bronchitis for about two months now, I think it’s starting to turn into pneumonia, but to be honest, I like feeling pain and being sick is keeping me going. How twisted am I?
Well, I guess I’ll go for now. I really have run out of things to say. Maybe I’ll post again tomorrow after everything Christmas is over, but I’m not sure right now. I’ll talk to you guys later.
Jenn