An Empty House
I am feeling rather spacy.
My life is packed up in boxes around me, and you'd think it'd be the objects that mattered, but in retrospect, I can toss all the trinkets and it won't matter--it's the house that I'll miss. If I've walked these hallways once, I've walked them a thousand times. I know exactly how many steps it is in the dark from the bathroom to my bedroom. I know exactly how far the sound of my piano will travel. I know how the light bends around corners.
I'll miss it, that's all. I'm totally excited about the new house, I love it already, but I have to give this house the respect it deserves. This is where I grew up. My biggest triumphs, my greatest tragedies so far have occurred here, and, yeah, okay, I'm EIGHTEEN, so that's not saying too much... But this is where my grandfather died, this is where I made the best friends I'll ever have. This is where my brother and I finally became friends, and this is where I told my mother that I tried to kill myself. This is where Sam died, this is where we got Jake.
This is home, with or without the furniture. This is the place that housed what have been the best and most trying years of my life.
So, hats off to you, house. I'll miss you. I'll miss the creak on the second-to-last step from the top, I'll miss the stifling heat of my room in the summer, I'll miss the freezing cold of the bathroom tiles in the winter. I'm going to miss the way that the light in the basement never seems to reach the corners and your useless, ignored attic. I'm going to miss being jealous of the fact that my brother's room is twice the size of mine, and that the walls are the approximate density of tissue paper. But most of all, I'm going to miss the smell, I'm going to miss the way the light bends across the kitchen floor just after dawn in winter, and I'll miss the way that there is a memory around every corner.
I will leave this house tomorrow, give my mother my keys, and on August 15th this will be someone else's home. They will have their life here, and it won't be my place any longer. I'm going to leave, and immediately these walls, these floors, these windows will fade into memory, and within a year, I will be fighting with my brother over the color of the walls, the wood of the cabinets, because neither of us will remember. That is what makes me sad. I wish I could lock the way this house looks into my memory--a floor plan in my head, a three-dimensional model I could conjure up at will to sit in and feel at home. But, like everything else, this is just going to fade...
So, here's to new memories taking up residence. Here's to a house with no horrors lurking around the corner along with the sunshine. Here's to life, I guess.
Well, due to my living over at a friends house for the next few weeks, I'm not going to have much access to the internet. Because of that, I'm pruning my friend's list for a short while. If you've been cut, no worries, you'll be added back. It's no reflection on you, I'm just not going to be checking my LJ for a while. So, if you update VERY frequently, or if I know you in RL, you're probably going to get cut for a few weeks. No worries, and I'll add you back ASAP. Love you all, and see you at the new house!
My life is packed up in boxes around me, and you'd think it'd be the objects that mattered, but in retrospect, I can toss all the trinkets and it won't matter--it's the house that I'll miss. If I've walked these hallways once, I've walked them a thousand times. I know exactly how many steps it is in the dark from the bathroom to my bedroom. I know exactly how far the sound of my piano will travel. I know how the light bends around corners.
I'll miss it, that's all. I'm totally excited about the new house, I love it already, but I have to give this house the respect it deserves. This is where I grew up. My biggest triumphs, my greatest tragedies so far have occurred here, and, yeah, okay, I'm EIGHTEEN, so that's not saying too much... But this is where my grandfather died, this is where I made the best friends I'll ever have. This is where my brother and I finally became friends, and this is where I told my mother that I tried to kill myself. This is where Sam died, this is where we got Jake.
This is home, with or without the furniture. This is the place that housed what have been the best and most trying years of my life.
So, hats off to you, house. I'll miss you. I'll miss the creak on the second-to-last step from the top, I'll miss the stifling heat of my room in the summer, I'll miss the freezing cold of the bathroom tiles in the winter. I'm going to miss the way that the light in the basement never seems to reach the corners and your useless, ignored attic. I'm going to miss being jealous of the fact that my brother's room is twice the size of mine, and that the walls are the approximate density of tissue paper. But most of all, I'm going to miss the smell, I'm going to miss the way the light bends across the kitchen floor just after dawn in winter, and I'll miss the way that there is a memory around every corner.
I will leave this house tomorrow, give my mother my keys, and on August 15th this will be someone else's home. They will have their life here, and it won't be my place any longer. I'm going to leave, and immediately these walls, these floors, these windows will fade into memory, and within a year, I will be fighting with my brother over the color of the walls, the wood of the cabinets, because neither of us will remember. That is what makes me sad. I wish I could lock the way this house looks into my memory--a floor plan in my head, a three-dimensional model I could conjure up at will to sit in and feel at home. But, like everything else, this is just going to fade...
So, here's to new memories taking up residence. Here's to a house with no horrors lurking around the corner along with the sunshine. Here's to life, I guess.
Well, due to my living over at a friends house for the next few weeks, I'm not going to have much access to the internet. Because of that, I'm pruning my friend's list for a short while. If you've been cut, no worries, you'll be added back. It's no reflection on you, I'm just not going to be checking my LJ for a while. So, if you update VERY frequently, or if I know you in RL, you're probably going to get cut for a few weeks. No worries, and I'll add you back ASAP. Love you all, and see you at the new house!