Notes
I'm information-gathering. I'm at that stage already. At the part where I re-evaluate.
The part where I remember the bits that I didn't like or would have wanted to change or that I didn't notice but were happening, all the same.
I think of Jeff Sharps telling me that love turns you into an idiot and not believing him until I was single a few years back and my brain capacity went up. It occurred to me today that I am entering the perfect period to re-evaluate myself. Batten down the hatches, learn, grow, and improve.
I spoke to my Nana on the phone and told her my "woes" and she told me that I don't need any of that. I need my career. I have too much ahead of me, too much to do to worry about it. And Al telling me all that, tenfold. And then Nana again reminding me that there will always be men to have, but I have to keep myself.
In the shower, do you know what I did?
I sang myself a love song. I sang myself a few, in fact. Why not? Surely, if there was anyone else in the world it was sane and reasonable and advisable and NECESSARY to love, it would be the one person you are forced to deal with every day of your life!
Kat reminded me that even with this loss, what I have is tremendous. Where I am, what I do, who I do it with... I am one of a very privileged few and wasting my time with self-pity or regret would be just that.
Wasting my time.
It was a good year. It was a wonderful year and being with D helped make that so. But that year is up and there are other, better years to come.
Yes, I still harbor hope that I'll have more years with him down the line, but it's just that. A hope. A lovely thought. Not a necessity.
I don't need distractions right now. I need to be true to myself.
D himself reminded me when he called me tonight and it was... A little awkward. Not bad by any means, I still like talking to him. But...
There are so many people out there. So many wonderful, amazing, new, different, interesting people and they are just waiting for me to find them. What's more, they might even be ready to be discovered, and wouldn't that be something?
***
My brother is 25 and has been married for a little over a year. In trying to figure out my ex-boyfriend, I asked him, "So. You're 25, and you're married, and you're male. Was getting married really the end to life as you knew it?"
"Yes."
Funny how in the end I want to apply that answer to me.
This is the beginning of my life not having ended, just now.
That moment I decided that I was better than waiting for a man to realize how much he wants me, and I finally had enough of it, that was a beginning.
That was when my life didn't end.
That's when I reclaimed myself.
I refuse to wait.
I will not have anyone who isn't ecstatic to have me, and that is how it should be for each and every one of us!
Be a whole, happy, healthy, incredible person and don't apologize for it or wait around for someone else to recognize it. If they can't figure it out with some gentle coaching, they won't ever.
A very wise friend of mine once told me to never let anyone else take pieces of who I am because I am much more beautiful whole.
I listened, Maruchina, and I learned. Just like I listened to everyone else I mentioned in this post. I listen, and I learn. I am taught and teach in return.
Thank God for that.
And thank God for the coming year.
The part where I remember the bits that I didn't like or would have wanted to change or that I didn't notice but were happening, all the same.
I think of Jeff Sharps telling me that love turns you into an idiot and not believing him until I was single a few years back and my brain capacity went up. It occurred to me today that I am entering the perfect period to re-evaluate myself. Batten down the hatches, learn, grow, and improve.
I spoke to my Nana on the phone and told her my "woes" and she told me that I don't need any of that. I need my career. I have too much ahead of me, too much to do to worry about it. And Al telling me all that, tenfold. And then Nana again reminding me that there will always be men to have, but I have to keep myself.
In the shower, do you know what I did?
I sang myself a love song. I sang myself a few, in fact. Why not? Surely, if there was anyone else in the world it was sane and reasonable and advisable and NECESSARY to love, it would be the one person you are forced to deal with every day of your life!
Kat reminded me that even with this loss, what I have is tremendous. Where I am, what I do, who I do it with... I am one of a very privileged few and wasting my time with self-pity or regret would be just that.
Wasting my time.
It was a good year. It was a wonderful year and being with D helped make that so. But that year is up and there are other, better years to come.
Yes, I still harbor hope that I'll have more years with him down the line, but it's just that. A hope. A lovely thought. Not a necessity.
I don't need distractions right now. I need to be true to myself.
D himself reminded me when he called me tonight and it was... A little awkward. Not bad by any means, I still like talking to him. But...
There are so many people out there. So many wonderful, amazing, new, different, interesting people and they are just waiting for me to find them. What's more, they might even be ready to be discovered, and wouldn't that be something?
***
My brother is 25 and has been married for a little over a year. In trying to figure out my ex-boyfriend, I asked him, "So. You're 25, and you're married, and you're male. Was getting married really the end to life as you knew it?"
"Yes."
Funny how in the end I want to apply that answer to me.
This is the beginning of my life not having ended, just now.
That moment I decided that I was better than waiting for a man to realize how much he wants me, and I finally had enough of it, that was a beginning.
That was when my life didn't end.
That's when I reclaimed myself.
I refuse to wait.
I will not have anyone who isn't ecstatic to have me, and that is how it should be for each and every one of us!
Be a whole, happy, healthy, incredible person and don't apologize for it or wait around for someone else to recognize it. If they can't figure it out with some gentle coaching, they won't ever.
A very wise friend of mine once told me to never let anyone else take pieces of who I am because I am much more beautiful whole.
I listened, Maruchina, and I learned. Just like I listened to everyone else I mentioned in this post. I listen, and I learn. I am taught and teach in return.
Thank God for that.
And thank God for the coming year.