Built like Castles on the Sand; part two
[OOC: Condtinuation of the previous log; featuring jai_Bakura, ryou_bakura, and a few noteable background voices.]
If the funeral had been somber then the day afterward was soaked with chaos; so much to be set in order and so many tasks to tend to. It was difficult to catch sight of anyone, even in passing, and the easiest thing to do was to stay out of the way. Ryou had spent most of his morning sitting at the cluttered kitchen table near the doorway of the house with his father; sorting through the paperwork of greeting cards and warm wishes.
It was an exhausting effort, so many people to thank for their support when Ryou felt like nothing really deserved anything but sorrow at the time.
He looked over a card bright with a picture of an old church on the front and a few inspirational words inside, finding it ironic since Kimberly never had been very spiritual. She had always been a little too practical for that, more determined to make her family's life comfortable instead of putting faith in much beyond them.
That bothered his father, now more than Ryou had ever seen it before, and he could understand why.
"Do you remember who this one is from?" He asked but only received the same flat gaze that had been heavy in Todd's dark eyes for longer than a week, ever since the doctor's had started to use the word terminal instead of giving false hopes.
False hope, however distant, had felt so much better than what they had now.
"You understand that the level the disease has progressed is beyond what medicine can do much to help with, and I'm sorry to have to tell you this." The doctor, Ryou noticed his name tag said 'Dr. Vaune', looked professionally sad and little else; but that was to be expected.
His father kept to one corner of the room, hand wrapped around Kim's narrow wrist while she only nodded and shifted in her seat to find a more comfortable position. The colors were all blurry, the contrast too sharp, and nothing at all made sense.
The clock ticked, the room was heavy with the antiseptic smell of hospitals, and nobody dared to breathe.
This wasn't right, it wasn't the type of news anyone wanted to hear; Ryou wasn't so sure he really could even understand.
It was supposed to help them all brace and be ready for the undeniable; but all it gave him was a surreal feeling tightening across his stomach.
He had to call Jai, wouldn't Jai want to know?
No, he could call later, after everything went back to being normal and all this was just some silly joke.
But it hadn't been a joke at all, Ryou reminded himself as he graciously stood through another conversation between a few of his mother's old friends; listened to their remarks about how sudden it was and how he had turned into such a fine young man.
He didn't feel anything in their words, but silence was better anyway because it cut down on the pain, and if he could be numb then he could still smile when they expected him to.
He could reassure crying cousins and aunts, he could help his father carefully pack away his mom's things, could make certain everything was running as smooth as possible in the house; could even field most of the questions relatives offered him regarding Jai's ever present but deathly soundless form lurking at the corners of the conversations and keeping watchful eye.
Over what? Him?
Ryou didn't really need anyone to watch over him, he was the one busy making sure it all progressed smoothly, could put off his mourning for a while longer. He wanted Jai there, wanted Jai to understand, but was starting to think it was wrong to want any of that. Or to want anything at all from Jai because didn't really want to give him much, maybe it was too late.
But what was wrong in wanting their family to be sound and normal?
As much as it hurt it also frustrated him; the sounds of life around him were growing dim in Ryou's ears with as loudly as his thoughts had gotten. He turned away for a moment, towards the small kitchen window, and felt the warmth of the midday sun fall across his cheek; warmth in the chill of winter.
Somehow it felt wrong, the sunlight; and he longed for stormy rain to darken the skies and at least give him that much.
Outside, Jai was thinking very much the same as he visited with the ghosts of the little backyard and the emptiness that had flooded it over.
It should have been raining the day after the funeral, or even snowing; anything would have been better than the bright sunshine over the chilly air that early afternoon. It seemed so abnormally out of place for such a depressing event, even to Jai; though he really could not claim to have actually been to a funeral before so it had crossed his mind that perhaps it was just his own bias in the matter.
But it would have made sense for it to be dark and rainy afterward, somehow.
He tried to mull it over; still worn out even as he collapsed in one of the reclining chairs outside Ryou’s home, retreated past the buzz of motion and life within the warm walls and out into the cold air and solitude of the backyard. None of it had settled with him, not so soon, it still felt so heavy and so strange somewhere just under his skin that had itched ever since that morning.
Not the quiet grieving of the people during the service that made him feel so out of place for feeling so very little, or the stoic still sensation of the funeral itself even though he had retreated from it early just because he felt as though he were trespassing upon something.
Still flickering in his thoughts, darkly; and he knew the only reason he had even agreed to come back to the house instead of returning to the hotel was because Ryou had asked him. And then little more than five minutes after arriving Jai had found himself standing alone in the corner of the kitchen while Ryou had wandered off with someone Jai barely recalled as being mentioned as a cousin.
Or perhaps some other relative, he honestly had little clue.
And all it left him with was out in the cold and slumped listlessly in the lawn furniture outside a house that might as well have been another planet for as well as any of it made sense to him. Jai still felt haunted, somehow, and was exhausted down to that frozen place inside. His eyes trailed over the small yard, mused over the matted down pathway in the sparse grass that led from doorway to the old swing set in one corner of the space; wondering just what memories Ryou saw when he closed his eyes here.
The wind was ushering one of the swings back and forth with a soft creak of aged metal; a lifetime past the sound would have been covered over with laugher; Jai assumed. There would have been a point when that small space held the pace of motion of a much younger Ryou and much less burdened alongside the sister Jai had never known and never would know; both heedless of the years to come that would break apart life and repaint it all in tones of loss and perseverance.
Laughter, innocence had a sound; and Jai had no doubt that it had reverberated before in the very spot his sight was wrapped around.
But now, like everything else in the yard including himself the only real sound left to fill the space was the murmur of the wind to break the otherwise empty silence.
Inside the house, Jai’s grandfather, Kiyoshi Nagano, subtly separated from the larger group of family members, having a plan of his own in mind that he needed to see to. Unlike many other men his age, his posture was normally quite upright with a proper, dignified air. But today, his head was dropped just slightly, shoulders slouched only a little, which was the only physical sign that gave away his inner grief. It would have felt inappropriate and awkward to have portrayed that deep feeling of loss in public, so he kept it buried inside. Any physical signs of wear or age were glossed over by the prim black suit he wore, dressed for an occasion that he’d never dreamed could have happened to their family.
Nagano’s current goal was to seek out Jai, the supposed older brother of Ryou whom his grandson had invited to attend the funeral. Just about everyone had been ignoring the young man, hadn’t known what to say to him because Kimberly had failed to ever mention him before. Being introduced to a new grandchild he’d never known he had was suffice to say a shock to Nagano, and it felt awkward now to sort out the pieces in wake of his daughter’s death. But there was no escaping the fact that Jai was indeed his grandchild, or at least that was what Ryou seemed to believe so fervently. Nagano trusted Ryou, of course, but because Jai’s arrival was so unexpected, and for more familial reasons than just that, he needed to know for certain that Jai really was who Ryou claimed him to be.
And for that reason, Nagano sought Jai out. He had an inkling that Jai would not be at the center of attention, would not linger with the rest of the family, and he could hardly blame him for that considering the reactions he had received from everyone else. Where he didn’t expect to find Jai, however, was outside, and that was the last place Nagano checked. Even as concerned about keeping up appearances as he was, he was tired by the time he opened and exited the backdoor, though relieved to have finally managed to locate him.
Even though Nagano had been the one to seek out Jai, it still felt a little awkward to really speak with his supposed grandson, but it was easy for him to find something to start the conversation with. As much as he had deeper matters on his mind, underneath all of that he was inherent kindness, and seeing Jai out in the cold drew sympathy from him.
“…you’ll catch cold if you stay out too long. Perhaps it would be best to go inside.” The suggestion was not voiced harshly, and Nagano suddenly wondered if Ryou had taken the time to mention other members of the family to Jai, or if Jai was completely in the dark about Nagano’s relationship to Ryou. As much as the rest of the family felt awkward about Jai’s presence, he was certain Jai probably felt the exact same in this situation.
So lost to his own thoughts; stuck somewhere between trying to envision just what sort of past this place had lingering about it and wondering just why it even mattered to him, Jai was startled by the sudden break in his musings ushered in by a voice.
His head jerked upward towards the sound and his shoulders tensed instinctively at the distain of being caught off guard, only barely settling down after he noticed the man standing near him.
Some relative, or family friend; Jai really had not tried to sort much of it all out over the short time he had been around the house; the man was practically the only one who had spoken to him since his arrival other than Ryou.
Just as well, Jai really had no idea how to answer most of the questions unspoken in the ways he had caught people glancing at him with so he really preferred to be ignored.
“Ah…cold doesn’t bother me much,” it was about all Jai could fathom up as an answer and was almost hopeful that the man would take it at that and be on his way, almost curious to know if the guy was trying to skirt being social such as he was or just offering up a randomly kind gesture amid all the morbid feelings that were abounding.
Nagano could hardly insist that Jai go inside, not because of an inability to be stern but because he didn’t want to offend the other man; the last thing the family needed was uncomfortable tension to fuel the gloomy atmosphere already in the house. So he opted instead to take a seat in a chair nearby Jai; the ease of his weight off of his knees at last was a welcome relief, and with his long-sleeved shirt and suit jacket on, the cold would not nip at him too harshly for at least a little while.
After settling down beside Jai in a chair of his own, Nagano reached up to shift his glasses a little higher up on the bridge of his nose to help him see more clearly. “Well, so long as you only stay out a while, I don’t see the harm. It is quieter outside.” In a moment, he’d fold his hands to help ward off the cold, but before that, he extended his arm, offering a handshake to Jai. “Jaison, was it? I’m afraid Ryou’s told us little about you yet. There hasn’t been the time.” His offered hand was perhaps a bit of a formal gesture, but that mirrored his personality and mannerisms; he was polite, just as Ryou was.
Jai fought the urge to sigh when the older man took up residence in the chair next to him; normally he would have shaken off the conversation with a few sharp remarks and been done with it but he felt so restless from the inside out that most of that spring-trap desire to snarl was buried under the weight of everything else.
And even beyond all that it would have felt like unnecessary cruelty in an already miserable situation.
But the statement that Ryou had neglected to mention much about him to anyone else felt like an understatement to Jai; he had quickly learned that nobody even knew he existed before a few days past, and a few still clearly refused to accept the fact.
It was disturbing; even though he felt like a hypocrite for feeling much at all over the fact.
“Yeah, not much point in it I guess;” short answers; Jai really had no want to deal with the curiosity of others if it could be avoided. He did return the gesture offered though, though only brief before he drew his hand back and situated better slumped against his seat.
The guy was either curious or friendly; Jai was not at a point to guess just which it was but his tolerance was calmed by the emotional jetlag too much to honestly care.
It was clear to Nagano that Jai was not familiar with the significance of the family line; until now, he’d believed that Ryou had been Kimberly’s first born, and if Jai was in actuality Kimberly’s first born… that would complicate matters entirely and he wanted the situation sorted out as best it could be. Jai’s arrival shook up everything that Nagano had believed was true, and marred the honor of the family.
“More than you think,” Nagano noted simply, folding his hands against his knee. His face and the rather significantly balding top of his head were the only other skin that the cold struck, and he was grateful for that, because he didn’t want to have to leave early due to discomfort from the elements. This was such a strange conversation he was having, one he’d never, ever expected to have at a time like this, but he stubbornly refused to let it rest until he had answers and could put his mind to rest.
“You can imagine my surprise when Ryou told me I have another grandson,” Nagano continued, as a means of introducing himself in case Ryou had neglected to tell Jai just who was who among the relatives. “I began to wonder just how I could know for certain this was true.” It was a not-so-subtle but nevertheless polite request for Jai to prove somehow that he was indeed Ryou’s brother. That was the first matter of business after all, to make sure that Jai really was Ryou’s brother based on something besides appearance alone.
For a few seconds Jai’s thoughts stalled, fell short and he crashed against the inside of his own skull in confusion. The words were perfectly clear, the meaning to them even more so; what shook Jai up so suddenly was that he had no idea how to deal with them.
The man he was content to just phase out of thought the moment he wandered away was Ryou’s grandfather?
’Your grandfather,’ something in the back of his mind offered up in mock helpfulness.
But Jai argued the fact mentally; these people meant nothing at all to him and he should have meant nothing to them. Even that tiny part of him that mulled over the matter that he never had grandparents before, because years before he had come into their home Julia’s parents had both died and Doug’s were somewhere overseas where Jai had never been, was choked down and buried under the unexpected stress that the past few days have shoved on him relentlessly.
It finally sank in that the man was waiting for something from him; some sort of proof? Jai felt a twinge of pure annoyance over the idea; the first thing he had felt clearly since his arrival. The last thing that seemed fair to ask of him in the situation was for proof of who he was when he did not even want to be there in the first place.
“Yeah…well, don’t stress yourself over it, I’m just here because Ryou wanted me here; I’m not exactly too interested in reintroducing myself to a bunch of people who never knew I existed in the first place.” Jai muttered; he would give the man that much in case he was worried about trouble being stirred on his account.
It was more passive than Jai wanted to be but snapping about any of it was far beyond his reach still.
“I did not say you had to introduce yourself to anyone else,” Nagano replied calmly, figuring that Jai would remain just as avoidant as he had been throughout this situation. But he refused to drop the matter even if Jai didn’t want to talk about it. At the same time, Nagano did not want to irritate Jai, because that would make the conversation so much harder than it needed to be, so to help quell any annoyance Jai might have, he added, “I would not ask if the family line was not important here. Ryou was Kimberly’s first-born, at least that is what we all believed until he brought you here. I know you came because he asked you to, but now that you are here, matters of family must be discussed.”
“Matters of what?” Jai replied before he could bite back the impulse to look surprised over the words of the other man. What in the world was the guy talking about?
Family lines? Jai did not want anything to do with Ryou’s family; lines or otherwise, he was certain.
Almost certain.
“I’m not here to have anything to do with…ah…anything,” Jai could barely make sense of his own words because it was honestly the last thing he expected to have to deal with. From the start he had been shadowing around the place and staying out of the way, now he was getting questioned about things that made no sense at all to him.
“It is a matter of responsibility to settle these issues, in respect for the rest of the family,” Nagano informed Jai, still quite calm but strict enough in keeping with the topic to let Jai know that he wasn’t going to back down from the issue. “The family line is very important to us, and its set up has been shaken with your arrival. Again, I know you are here because Ryou asked you to be here-“ He certainly didn’t want it to seem like he was placing all the blame on Jai. “-but for the sake of our family’s honor, it would be greatly appreciated for you to explain yourself a little more clearly.”
It was another request for some kind of proof, and to encourage Jai into talking, Nagano posed one more question. “Who is your father?” Perhaps if the name was familiar, Nagano might have a better guess as to whether or not Jai was genuine or not.
Jai was dumbfounded, utterly; not actually believing at first that he was getting an interrogation by the man and a lecture about family responsibility.
Now that was funny; and just where was that idea of family responsibility when it might have saved him the ordeal of getting dropped off at some strange place like a stray dog?
“My father? Your guess is as good as mine on that one; can’t say that I have a clue who the guy is.” Jai shrugged nonchalantly; refusing to let all the bold words about family and everything else that was being thrown at him dig too deeply yet.
So much for family honor; and honestly who even thought like that anymore?
Jai was baffled, openly.
“Look, all I know is that a few years ago the woman who didn’t want me in the first place comes right back into my life and tells me about Ryou, few years after that and I get Ryou himself at my apartment door.” Jai decided that the simple facts were the only thing that stood a chance in swaying the man’s opinions and convincing him that whatever ‘family line’ he was obsessed over was Ryou’s business and not his. “I never went looking for either of them because honestly you people don't factor into my plans because I never had any place in yours from the start.”
“For someone who has only been here a short time, you seem quite confident in the knowledge of what this family as a whole wants,” Nagano offered, feeling that Jai was jumping to some conclusions even though most of his relatives had been shocked with Jai’s presence. “Even if Kimberly hadn’t wanted you at the time, you are here now. That certainly counts for something.”
It did feel like a blow to their family honor, knowing that Jai had no idea who his father was. Nagano had never expected something like this to happen with his daughter, and now that she was gone the situation was difficult to deal with, but nevertheless it had to be dealt with. Jai was part of their blood line, and Nagano wanted Jai to either take up the responsibility of being a member of this family, or to completely severe that connection permanently.
“Family reputation is something quite important,” Nagano noted, still not angry or raising his voice in the slightest. That polite part of him could not bring himself to get too fierce about the matter, though he did want it resolved. He did want to know what sort of person Jai was, if his personal reputation would help to mend the family’s honor. “Tell me, how have you spent these last years away from Kimberly? Have you made great progress in life?”
Faced with the sudden total opposite of practically everything Jai was certain as a black and white fact to his past it was overwhelming, intensely past the point that he could even make sense of. He was angry at first, why did it matter so much now when it clearly had not in the past?
But, with what logic that still clawed at the back of his mind pointed out that Kimberly had never said a word about who he was to anyone but Ryou; so how could it have mattered before?
It was a moment of pure conflict digging so deeply that Jai had to shut his gray-cast eyes to swallow it down without choking; feeling so vastly out of sorts with everything.
And even more than that how different everything could have been if only someone had made a different choice, a simple choice.
It left him disorientated; the thoughts shoved aside for later contemplation before he tuned back towards the words being spoken to him.
And the real world hit him with all the force of a wall all over again as he listened.
Family reputation.
It had nothing to do with him, the offered concern, and everything to do with appearances.
Jai wanted to be surprised but he had learned long ago that the only thing really true was basic human nature and how it dictated being driven by personal wants.
His head sway slightly from side to side in a lazy shake, a slow disagreement with the conversation and a break from it; a few strands of ivory hair dropping across his face. “I survived, better than most people ever thought I would.”
And he was damn proud of that, saying those words only made it even clearer what had always been lurking under that determined drive and stubborn will. But not alone, no, “Except a few people who actually gave a damn.”
“Ryou seems to think highly of you, so you must be doing more than just surviving,” Nagano pointed out, leaning back slightly against the chair to try to relax a little more. Even if Jai was not bothered by the cold, Nagano was, but he refused to go back into the warmth of the house until he’d finished speaking with Jai. “I suspect he wants you to be a part of this family again, or else he would not have spent so much time with you this past year. Are you considering taking him up on that? You are Kimberly’s first-born; it is only fitting for you to take up the responsibility by truly becoming part of this family again. Your arrival is a shock for all of us here, but nevertheless you are here, and we must make the best of the situation.”
Ryou, exactly the person Jai’s thoughts were pulled back to so swiftly; the person he was here for in the first place. It had been blatantly obvious just how intent Ryou was and Jai was beginning to see why given the conversation he found himself trying to stumble through.
Though to Jai it was starting to feel more like he was being cornered than spoken too; regardless of the polite tones.
“Make the best of the situation?” Jai repeated; for some reason the words seemed so very odd to him; a bit of the initial shock having worn down and his mind gathering itself in slow degrees.
“Well, it is hardly something that was expected, and it would be improper to just let you disappear after the family has learned that Kimberly had another son,” Nagano explained, placing one hand atop his other to keep the bottom hand warmer. He was willing to explain a little more, of course, if it would make Jai understand easier. “Surely Ryou’s let you know just how important familial ties are in this family. It would not be right to allow you to simply go back to your home without a word, unless of course you are not willing to acknowledge your place in the family.”
Regardless of it were unexpected or not was irrelevant; it was still far too soon for Jai to deal with it all at once. The short motion between not having any contact at all with Ryou’s family to being pushed right into the middle of it was too much for anyone to handle even in normal states.
“Yeah, well; I don’t have a clue what I’m doing if you want to know the truth and I can’t figure anything out right now.”
Actually all he wanted was to leave, go back to New York where things made sense and try to figure out some of this bizarre turn of events with Ryou instead of trying to figure out the unexpected display of tolerance from someone he had talked to all of once in his life. “Maybe this’ll all make more sense when I’m back where I feel like I can actually think.” He muttered quietly, thinking out loud.
“I would much prefer the situation sorted out before you left again,” Nagano admitted, switching the position of his hands to warm the other. “Not only that, it must be settled before your departure. If you require time to consider the matter, that is acceptable only if we discuss this again before your time ends here. If you need to speak with Ryou again over the matter, I am sure he would be willing to explain the situation more in detail, and I am sure you would be more comfortable hearing it from him.” It didn’t leave Jai much room to avoid the situation, and that was what Nagano wanted.
To say the words did not settle well with Jai was an understatement. “Now wait just a damn minute; just what are you expecting me to decide? I’ve gotten nothing but suspicious glares or people looking the other way when I’ve been within ten feet of them since I’ve got here and now all of a sudden you think I should just feel some obligation to anybody here just because you want me to?”
To his credit Jai did not yell, his voice was the same flat tone that it had been all day but he was tense from the conversation and still a little shocked that it had all been pushed in his face at once.
For the first time in a long while Jai honestly did not understand the situation he found himself cast into.
“I am expecting you to decide whether or not you are willing to take up the responsibility of being a part of the family you were born into,” Nagano answered, taking a moment to push himself up to stand, the cold finally becoming a bit too much for him to handle. He looked down at Jai, and his words still were not unkind, but nevertheless unwavering because the idea of family was very important to him. “We cannot have anyone half acknowledging their tie to the rest of us and half pushing it aside. I hardly think it is wise to judge the others’ actions now, because they are only shocked with your arrival. They will calm over time, should you make the decision to take your place as one of us.” There was a clear set of options here, and it was up to Jai to figure out what he personally wanted to do in the situation.
Reduced back to silence by it all Jai only remained stock-still as the older man moved and resumed talking. He could claw together nothing worth saying; none of it made sense to him in the least.
He understood what had been said, yes, but the why to it all was the part that left him feeling so intensely uneasy.
Before he could even try to betray the shaky way he felt Jai dropped his gaze back to the ground in thought; not trusting his own nature to do anything but snarl at the very idea of someone else enforcing demands upon him.
Because he could not do that; it was all still to fresh and raw in his mind and he kept recalling Ryou and how dire the younger man had sounded when he had received that phone call days past.
And Jai got a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach; turning over possibilities that he did not want to and had to cut off sharply.
His eyes snapped shut and he distanced himself; not caring if he was still being watched or not, just desperate for an instant to calm the swell of stormy seas smashing against the inside of his skull.
Reaching up briefly to straighten his tie, Nagano considered the young man’s silence. It probably was a lot for him to have given Jai to sort though, but it had to be taken care of. If Jai needed time to himself to think, however, Nagano could certainly give him that. Others inside would probably be looking for him by now anyway, and he was fairly certain that Jai would not follow him inside, so he was prepared to move back into the house alone.
“It was good to become acquainted with you, Jaison,” Nagano voiced, dropping his hand again and making the short distance over to the door the led back inside. “I will leave you to your thoughts.” At that, he opened the door and stepped back inside, grateful for the warmth of the air there and feeling accomplished that he had initiated his prior conversation with his newfound grandson.
Even though he heard the words Jai offered nothing in response; there was really nothing he even wanted to say to the man.
The irony was almost painful; after spending most of his life angry and driven by the idea that he had something to prove because he was unwanted from the very start Jai found himself wondering if it all meant his accomplishments were empty without that meaning behind them.
And more than anything he felt smashed under the weight of rules that tore at his very basic nature to rear back and growl; to set his own place in the world.
How had everything fallen apart to the point of where it no longer felt as if he had anything in his grasp to control?
Jai shivered; the cold nipping at him acutely more than it had been and he welcomed the discomfort. The wind still curled past and played across those rusty swings not so very far away and teased at memories he thought he might have wanted before.
Now though, Jai was not so certain because even that soft creak sounded as loud as the rasp of metal bars crashing down.
***
Ryou caught sight of the shuffled form of his grandfather retreating towards the back of the house and sighed, thinking the meeting with Jai had not gone well at all if the man's expression were any indication. He had hoped for better, had hoped that Jai would finally get the point that he belonged here and belonged as part of their family.
But maybe he was just too stubborn for that, but was it right to blame him for that?
His chin dropped, a few strands of hair down in his eyes, and Ryou stared down at the photos spread out on the table in front of him. The chaos had died down enough for him to think, and he was looking for memories he wanted to relive. But it kept haunting him with how things had changed and he had as well.
A trip back to New York was not an option, at least not for a very long while, things here had to be taken care of first. His father had to be looked after and pushed back towards normality; there were other family members to speak with, and of course the small personal things. He could get his job back fairly easy, that would be a good start.
Maybe he belonged at home anyway, trying to track down a brother who wanted little to do with him had been misguided in the first place.
But they had started to relate better, had started to understand more; but he couldn't risk everything on chances he had already taken and had fallen through. What would the rest of the family think if he abandoned them now to follow Jai back to the city instead of staying here?
He had expectations to meet, and past that he didn't want to walk away from them again.
Maybe if he'd stayed in the first place, no, he couldn't blame himself for anything that had happened.
In the next room one of his younger cousins was laughing, talking about a family trip a few years back that Ryou was surprised she remembered at all; and that almost made him smile. The warm house around him; shades of creamy whites and tans, so welcoming and familiar. He had grown up there, had played with Amane in the rooms, had even spent long nights at the very table where he sat now studying for college exams.
The place had always been very good to him, very comforting with the strength of the people who were always there for him; unfailing. When he had needed to leave they sent him off with sad smiles, when he returned they always rejoiced.
So why had he ever thought he needed anything more with all he had?
Because Jai was a part of that family and if it wasn't whole then it was a failure, something was missing.
But Ryou knew that it wasn't going to work, Jai would leave and there was little going to stop that now; he just didn't understand what was important.
***
The breaking point came, almost in a fitting way; at that hillside with the freshly turned earth and the new marker stuck from the soil like a jagged, broken thing. Jai had come there for some closure; Ryou to seek out a difficult conversation, and they both found little but silence.
It should have meant more to Jai, Ryou knew; she should have meant more. But he didn't know just how much it had meant.
She was gone, she had left him; she had given Jai something he never would have pieced together if not for the long few days past.
The sandy breeze filled the silence, the pause littered amid broken soil and chilly air; until there were too few words and barely enough strength in voices to break across the miles of distance in the few feet between them.
"She didn't want me here," Jai remarked with eyes trained upon that stone and the name written across it, "She knew I wasn't supposed to be."
"She did want you but it just wasn't the best time," the protest spilled over Ryou's lips automatically and grew stronger.
"We want you here."
"You're staying?" The words had told him no less by themselves but Jai felt a twinge of something painful in having to ask.
Almost as drenched with hesitance as the counter to that heavy question; "You're not?"
***
Memories of the last few days all came in a blur to Ryou as he sat on the front step of the house; not daring to lift his gaze skyward to watch the planes that crept across the air at all hours of the day. He knew what it meant, and he knew what was gone; just as he knew he had to stay.
It wasn't so different; losing someone to death and losing them to distance, in the end they still faded out of your life.
Not the first time either that someone had faded, he had been too young then, he assumed it had been painful but over time he had blocked most of that day for his own sake. It was the easiest way to deal, of course, letting the memories fade and only recalling the good parts.
Amane… That had been much more sudden. Unfair? Tragic? It had been a long time since he’d really thought about it. Since he had to think about it, always at the back of his mind but so far past that it felt unreal and still so unfair. She should not have left, not when he wanted her to stay; wasn't she supposed to be his sister and that meant she belonged with him as long as possible.
Long enough to grow up, time for him to fret over her new boyfriends and watch her go to prom, to have children from him to play uncle to, long enough for all the family to stay together and everything to be fine.
And now mom was gone too, she should have stayed longer, just like Amane.
And Jai was gone, when he should have stayed; would Amane have understood that if she had been there?
Later that evening he picked up a pen and a few battered sheets of paper, sat down at the table in the backyard with the swings creaking softly in the chilly breeze; while hundreds of miles away another man with pale complexion and tired eyes sat on the fire escape outside his apartment just daring the dark to challenge him while wispy ghosts ate at his soul, he wrote to her.
'Say hello to Mom for me, Amane.
Jai came for a visit, too.'
If the funeral had been somber then the day afterward was soaked with chaos; so much to be set in order and so many tasks to tend to. It was difficult to catch sight of anyone, even in passing, and the easiest thing to do was to stay out of the way. Ryou had spent most of his morning sitting at the cluttered kitchen table near the doorway of the house with his father; sorting through the paperwork of greeting cards and warm wishes.
It was an exhausting effort, so many people to thank for their support when Ryou felt like nothing really deserved anything but sorrow at the time.
He looked over a card bright with a picture of an old church on the front and a few inspirational words inside, finding it ironic since Kimberly never had been very spiritual. She had always been a little too practical for that, more determined to make her family's life comfortable instead of putting faith in much beyond them.
That bothered his father, now more than Ryou had ever seen it before, and he could understand why.
"Do you remember who this one is from?" He asked but only received the same flat gaze that had been heavy in Todd's dark eyes for longer than a week, ever since the doctor's had started to use the word terminal instead of giving false hopes.
False hope, however distant, had felt so much better than what they had now.
"You understand that the level the disease has progressed is beyond what medicine can do much to help with, and I'm sorry to have to tell you this." The doctor, Ryou noticed his name tag said 'Dr. Vaune', looked professionally sad and little else; but that was to be expected.
His father kept to one corner of the room, hand wrapped around Kim's narrow wrist while she only nodded and shifted in her seat to find a more comfortable position. The colors were all blurry, the contrast too sharp, and nothing at all made sense.
The clock ticked, the room was heavy with the antiseptic smell of hospitals, and nobody dared to breathe.
This wasn't right, it wasn't the type of news anyone wanted to hear; Ryou wasn't so sure he really could even understand.
It was supposed to help them all brace and be ready for the undeniable; but all it gave him was a surreal feeling tightening across his stomach.
He had to call Jai, wouldn't Jai want to know?
No, he could call later, after everything went back to being normal and all this was just some silly joke.
But it hadn't been a joke at all, Ryou reminded himself as he graciously stood through another conversation between a few of his mother's old friends; listened to their remarks about how sudden it was and how he had turned into such a fine young man.
He didn't feel anything in their words, but silence was better anyway because it cut down on the pain, and if he could be numb then he could still smile when they expected him to.
He could reassure crying cousins and aunts, he could help his father carefully pack away his mom's things, could make certain everything was running as smooth as possible in the house; could even field most of the questions relatives offered him regarding Jai's ever present but deathly soundless form lurking at the corners of the conversations and keeping watchful eye.
Over what? Him?
Ryou didn't really need anyone to watch over him, he was the one busy making sure it all progressed smoothly, could put off his mourning for a while longer. He wanted Jai there, wanted Jai to understand, but was starting to think it was wrong to want any of that. Or to want anything at all from Jai because didn't really want to give him much, maybe it was too late.
But what was wrong in wanting their family to be sound and normal?
As much as it hurt it also frustrated him; the sounds of life around him were growing dim in Ryou's ears with as loudly as his thoughts had gotten. He turned away for a moment, towards the small kitchen window, and felt the warmth of the midday sun fall across his cheek; warmth in the chill of winter.
Somehow it felt wrong, the sunlight; and he longed for stormy rain to darken the skies and at least give him that much.
Outside, Jai was thinking very much the same as he visited with the ghosts of the little backyard and the emptiness that had flooded it over.
It should have been raining the day after the funeral, or even snowing; anything would have been better than the bright sunshine over the chilly air that early afternoon. It seemed so abnormally out of place for such a depressing event, even to Jai; though he really could not claim to have actually been to a funeral before so it had crossed his mind that perhaps it was just his own bias in the matter.
But it would have made sense for it to be dark and rainy afterward, somehow.
He tried to mull it over; still worn out even as he collapsed in one of the reclining chairs outside Ryou’s home, retreated past the buzz of motion and life within the warm walls and out into the cold air and solitude of the backyard. None of it had settled with him, not so soon, it still felt so heavy and so strange somewhere just under his skin that had itched ever since that morning.
Not the quiet grieving of the people during the service that made him feel so out of place for feeling so very little, or the stoic still sensation of the funeral itself even though he had retreated from it early just because he felt as though he were trespassing upon something.
Still flickering in his thoughts, darkly; and he knew the only reason he had even agreed to come back to the house instead of returning to the hotel was because Ryou had asked him. And then little more than five minutes after arriving Jai had found himself standing alone in the corner of the kitchen while Ryou had wandered off with someone Jai barely recalled as being mentioned as a cousin.
Or perhaps some other relative, he honestly had little clue.
And all it left him with was out in the cold and slumped listlessly in the lawn furniture outside a house that might as well have been another planet for as well as any of it made sense to him. Jai still felt haunted, somehow, and was exhausted down to that frozen place inside. His eyes trailed over the small yard, mused over the matted down pathway in the sparse grass that led from doorway to the old swing set in one corner of the space; wondering just what memories Ryou saw when he closed his eyes here.
The wind was ushering one of the swings back and forth with a soft creak of aged metal; a lifetime past the sound would have been covered over with laugher; Jai assumed. There would have been a point when that small space held the pace of motion of a much younger Ryou and much less burdened alongside the sister Jai had never known and never would know; both heedless of the years to come that would break apart life and repaint it all in tones of loss and perseverance.
Laughter, innocence had a sound; and Jai had no doubt that it had reverberated before in the very spot his sight was wrapped around.
But now, like everything else in the yard including himself the only real sound left to fill the space was the murmur of the wind to break the otherwise empty silence.
Inside the house, Jai’s grandfather, Kiyoshi Nagano, subtly separated from the larger group of family members, having a plan of his own in mind that he needed to see to. Unlike many other men his age, his posture was normally quite upright with a proper, dignified air. But today, his head was dropped just slightly, shoulders slouched only a little, which was the only physical sign that gave away his inner grief. It would have felt inappropriate and awkward to have portrayed that deep feeling of loss in public, so he kept it buried inside. Any physical signs of wear or age were glossed over by the prim black suit he wore, dressed for an occasion that he’d never dreamed could have happened to their family.
Nagano’s current goal was to seek out Jai, the supposed older brother of Ryou whom his grandson had invited to attend the funeral. Just about everyone had been ignoring the young man, hadn’t known what to say to him because Kimberly had failed to ever mention him before. Being introduced to a new grandchild he’d never known he had was suffice to say a shock to Nagano, and it felt awkward now to sort out the pieces in wake of his daughter’s death. But there was no escaping the fact that Jai was indeed his grandchild, or at least that was what Ryou seemed to believe so fervently. Nagano trusted Ryou, of course, but because Jai’s arrival was so unexpected, and for more familial reasons than just that, he needed to know for certain that Jai really was who Ryou claimed him to be.
And for that reason, Nagano sought Jai out. He had an inkling that Jai would not be at the center of attention, would not linger with the rest of the family, and he could hardly blame him for that considering the reactions he had received from everyone else. Where he didn’t expect to find Jai, however, was outside, and that was the last place Nagano checked. Even as concerned about keeping up appearances as he was, he was tired by the time he opened and exited the backdoor, though relieved to have finally managed to locate him.
Even though Nagano had been the one to seek out Jai, it still felt a little awkward to really speak with his supposed grandson, but it was easy for him to find something to start the conversation with. As much as he had deeper matters on his mind, underneath all of that he was inherent kindness, and seeing Jai out in the cold drew sympathy from him.
“…you’ll catch cold if you stay out too long. Perhaps it would be best to go inside.” The suggestion was not voiced harshly, and Nagano suddenly wondered if Ryou had taken the time to mention other members of the family to Jai, or if Jai was completely in the dark about Nagano’s relationship to Ryou. As much as the rest of the family felt awkward about Jai’s presence, he was certain Jai probably felt the exact same in this situation.
So lost to his own thoughts; stuck somewhere between trying to envision just what sort of past this place had lingering about it and wondering just why it even mattered to him, Jai was startled by the sudden break in his musings ushered in by a voice.
His head jerked upward towards the sound and his shoulders tensed instinctively at the distain of being caught off guard, only barely settling down after he noticed the man standing near him.
Some relative, or family friend; Jai really had not tried to sort much of it all out over the short time he had been around the house; the man was practically the only one who had spoken to him since his arrival other than Ryou.
Just as well, Jai really had no idea how to answer most of the questions unspoken in the ways he had caught people glancing at him with so he really preferred to be ignored.
“Ah…cold doesn’t bother me much,” it was about all Jai could fathom up as an answer and was almost hopeful that the man would take it at that and be on his way, almost curious to know if the guy was trying to skirt being social such as he was or just offering up a randomly kind gesture amid all the morbid feelings that were abounding.
Nagano could hardly insist that Jai go inside, not because of an inability to be stern but because he didn’t want to offend the other man; the last thing the family needed was uncomfortable tension to fuel the gloomy atmosphere already in the house. So he opted instead to take a seat in a chair nearby Jai; the ease of his weight off of his knees at last was a welcome relief, and with his long-sleeved shirt and suit jacket on, the cold would not nip at him too harshly for at least a little while.
After settling down beside Jai in a chair of his own, Nagano reached up to shift his glasses a little higher up on the bridge of his nose to help him see more clearly. “Well, so long as you only stay out a while, I don’t see the harm. It is quieter outside.” In a moment, he’d fold his hands to help ward off the cold, but before that, he extended his arm, offering a handshake to Jai. “Jaison, was it? I’m afraid Ryou’s told us little about you yet. There hasn’t been the time.” His offered hand was perhaps a bit of a formal gesture, but that mirrored his personality and mannerisms; he was polite, just as Ryou was.
Jai fought the urge to sigh when the older man took up residence in the chair next to him; normally he would have shaken off the conversation with a few sharp remarks and been done with it but he felt so restless from the inside out that most of that spring-trap desire to snarl was buried under the weight of everything else.
And even beyond all that it would have felt like unnecessary cruelty in an already miserable situation.
But the statement that Ryou had neglected to mention much about him to anyone else felt like an understatement to Jai; he had quickly learned that nobody even knew he existed before a few days past, and a few still clearly refused to accept the fact.
It was disturbing; even though he felt like a hypocrite for feeling much at all over the fact.
“Yeah, not much point in it I guess;” short answers; Jai really had no want to deal with the curiosity of others if it could be avoided. He did return the gesture offered though, though only brief before he drew his hand back and situated better slumped against his seat.
The guy was either curious or friendly; Jai was not at a point to guess just which it was but his tolerance was calmed by the emotional jetlag too much to honestly care.
It was clear to Nagano that Jai was not familiar with the significance of the family line; until now, he’d believed that Ryou had been Kimberly’s first born, and if Jai was in actuality Kimberly’s first born… that would complicate matters entirely and he wanted the situation sorted out as best it could be. Jai’s arrival shook up everything that Nagano had believed was true, and marred the honor of the family.
“More than you think,” Nagano noted simply, folding his hands against his knee. His face and the rather significantly balding top of his head were the only other skin that the cold struck, and he was grateful for that, because he didn’t want to have to leave early due to discomfort from the elements. This was such a strange conversation he was having, one he’d never, ever expected to have at a time like this, but he stubbornly refused to let it rest until he had answers and could put his mind to rest.
“You can imagine my surprise when Ryou told me I have another grandson,” Nagano continued, as a means of introducing himself in case Ryou had neglected to tell Jai just who was who among the relatives. “I began to wonder just how I could know for certain this was true.” It was a not-so-subtle but nevertheless polite request for Jai to prove somehow that he was indeed Ryou’s brother. That was the first matter of business after all, to make sure that Jai really was Ryou’s brother based on something besides appearance alone.
For a few seconds Jai’s thoughts stalled, fell short and he crashed against the inside of his own skull in confusion. The words were perfectly clear, the meaning to them even more so; what shook Jai up so suddenly was that he had no idea how to deal with them.
The man he was content to just phase out of thought the moment he wandered away was Ryou’s grandfather?
’Your grandfather,’ something in the back of his mind offered up in mock helpfulness.
But Jai argued the fact mentally; these people meant nothing at all to him and he should have meant nothing to them. Even that tiny part of him that mulled over the matter that he never had grandparents before, because years before he had come into their home Julia’s parents had both died and Doug’s were somewhere overseas where Jai had never been, was choked down and buried under the unexpected stress that the past few days have shoved on him relentlessly.
It finally sank in that the man was waiting for something from him; some sort of proof? Jai felt a twinge of pure annoyance over the idea; the first thing he had felt clearly since his arrival. The last thing that seemed fair to ask of him in the situation was for proof of who he was when he did not even want to be there in the first place.
“Yeah…well, don’t stress yourself over it, I’m just here because Ryou wanted me here; I’m not exactly too interested in reintroducing myself to a bunch of people who never knew I existed in the first place.” Jai muttered; he would give the man that much in case he was worried about trouble being stirred on his account.
It was more passive than Jai wanted to be but snapping about any of it was far beyond his reach still.
“I did not say you had to introduce yourself to anyone else,” Nagano replied calmly, figuring that Jai would remain just as avoidant as he had been throughout this situation. But he refused to drop the matter even if Jai didn’t want to talk about it. At the same time, Nagano did not want to irritate Jai, because that would make the conversation so much harder than it needed to be, so to help quell any annoyance Jai might have, he added, “I would not ask if the family line was not important here. Ryou was Kimberly’s first-born, at least that is what we all believed until he brought you here. I know you came because he asked you to, but now that you are here, matters of family must be discussed.”
“Matters of what?” Jai replied before he could bite back the impulse to look surprised over the words of the other man. What in the world was the guy talking about?
Family lines? Jai did not want anything to do with Ryou’s family; lines or otherwise, he was certain.
Almost certain.
“I’m not here to have anything to do with…ah…anything,” Jai could barely make sense of his own words because it was honestly the last thing he expected to have to deal with. From the start he had been shadowing around the place and staying out of the way, now he was getting questioned about things that made no sense at all to him.
“It is a matter of responsibility to settle these issues, in respect for the rest of the family,” Nagano informed Jai, still quite calm but strict enough in keeping with the topic to let Jai know that he wasn’t going to back down from the issue. “The family line is very important to us, and its set up has been shaken with your arrival. Again, I know you are here because Ryou asked you to be here-“ He certainly didn’t want it to seem like he was placing all the blame on Jai. “-but for the sake of our family’s honor, it would be greatly appreciated for you to explain yourself a little more clearly.”
It was another request for some kind of proof, and to encourage Jai into talking, Nagano posed one more question. “Who is your father?” Perhaps if the name was familiar, Nagano might have a better guess as to whether or not Jai was genuine or not.
Jai was dumbfounded, utterly; not actually believing at first that he was getting an interrogation by the man and a lecture about family responsibility.
Now that was funny; and just where was that idea of family responsibility when it might have saved him the ordeal of getting dropped off at some strange place like a stray dog?
“My father? Your guess is as good as mine on that one; can’t say that I have a clue who the guy is.” Jai shrugged nonchalantly; refusing to let all the bold words about family and everything else that was being thrown at him dig too deeply yet.
So much for family honor; and honestly who even thought like that anymore?
Jai was baffled, openly.
“Look, all I know is that a few years ago the woman who didn’t want me in the first place comes right back into my life and tells me about Ryou, few years after that and I get Ryou himself at my apartment door.” Jai decided that the simple facts were the only thing that stood a chance in swaying the man’s opinions and convincing him that whatever ‘family line’ he was obsessed over was Ryou’s business and not his. “I never went looking for either of them because honestly you people don't factor into my plans because I never had any place in yours from the start.”
“For someone who has only been here a short time, you seem quite confident in the knowledge of what this family as a whole wants,” Nagano offered, feeling that Jai was jumping to some conclusions even though most of his relatives had been shocked with Jai’s presence. “Even if Kimberly hadn’t wanted you at the time, you are here now. That certainly counts for something.”
It did feel like a blow to their family honor, knowing that Jai had no idea who his father was. Nagano had never expected something like this to happen with his daughter, and now that she was gone the situation was difficult to deal with, but nevertheless it had to be dealt with. Jai was part of their blood line, and Nagano wanted Jai to either take up the responsibility of being a member of this family, or to completely severe that connection permanently.
“Family reputation is something quite important,” Nagano noted, still not angry or raising his voice in the slightest. That polite part of him could not bring himself to get too fierce about the matter, though he did want it resolved. He did want to know what sort of person Jai was, if his personal reputation would help to mend the family’s honor. “Tell me, how have you spent these last years away from Kimberly? Have you made great progress in life?”
Faced with the sudden total opposite of practically everything Jai was certain as a black and white fact to his past it was overwhelming, intensely past the point that he could even make sense of. He was angry at first, why did it matter so much now when it clearly had not in the past?
But, with what logic that still clawed at the back of his mind pointed out that Kimberly had never said a word about who he was to anyone but Ryou; so how could it have mattered before?
It was a moment of pure conflict digging so deeply that Jai had to shut his gray-cast eyes to swallow it down without choking; feeling so vastly out of sorts with everything.
And even more than that how different everything could have been if only someone had made a different choice, a simple choice.
It left him disorientated; the thoughts shoved aside for later contemplation before he tuned back towards the words being spoken to him.
And the real world hit him with all the force of a wall all over again as he listened.
Family reputation.
It had nothing to do with him, the offered concern, and everything to do with appearances.
Jai wanted to be surprised but he had learned long ago that the only thing really true was basic human nature and how it dictated being driven by personal wants.
His head sway slightly from side to side in a lazy shake, a slow disagreement with the conversation and a break from it; a few strands of ivory hair dropping across his face. “I survived, better than most people ever thought I would.”
And he was damn proud of that, saying those words only made it even clearer what had always been lurking under that determined drive and stubborn will. But not alone, no, “Except a few people who actually gave a damn.”
“Ryou seems to think highly of you, so you must be doing more than just surviving,” Nagano pointed out, leaning back slightly against the chair to try to relax a little more. Even if Jai was not bothered by the cold, Nagano was, but he refused to go back into the warmth of the house until he’d finished speaking with Jai. “I suspect he wants you to be a part of this family again, or else he would not have spent so much time with you this past year. Are you considering taking him up on that? You are Kimberly’s first-born; it is only fitting for you to take up the responsibility by truly becoming part of this family again. Your arrival is a shock for all of us here, but nevertheless you are here, and we must make the best of the situation.”
Ryou, exactly the person Jai’s thoughts were pulled back to so swiftly; the person he was here for in the first place. It had been blatantly obvious just how intent Ryou was and Jai was beginning to see why given the conversation he found himself trying to stumble through.
Though to Jai it was starting to feel more like he was being cornered than spoken too; regardless of the polite tones.
“Make the best of the situation?” Jai repeated; for some reason the words seemed so very odd to him; a bit of the initial shock having worn down and his mind gathering itself in slow degrees.
“Well, it is hardly something that was expected, and it would be improper to just let you disappear after the family has learned that Kimberly had another son,” Nagano explained, placing one hand atop his other to keep the bottom hand warmer. He was willing to explain a little more, of course, if it would make Jai understand easier. “Surely Ryou’s let you know just how important familial ties are in this family. It would not be right to allow you to simply go back to your home without a word, unless of course you are not willing to acknowledge your place in the family.”
Regardless of it were unexpected or not was irrelevant; it was still far too soon for Jai to deal with it all at once. The short motion between not having any contact at all with Ryou’s family to being pushed right into the middle of it was too much for anyone to handle even in normal states.
“Yeah, well; I don’t have a clue what I’m doing if you want to know the truth and I can’t figure anything out right now.”
Actually all he wanted was to leave, go back to New York where things made sense and try to figure out some of this bizarre turn of events with Ryou instead of trying to figure out the unexpected display of tolerance from someone he had talked to all of once in his life. “Maybe this’ll all make more sense when I’m back where I feel like I can actually think.” He muttered quietly, thinking out loud.
“I would much prefer the situation sorted out before you left again,” Nagano admitted, switching the position of his hands to warm the other. “Not only that, it must be settled before your departure. If you require time to consider the matter, that is acceptable only if we discuss this again before your time ends here. If you need to speak with Ryou again over the matter, I am sure he would be willing to explain the situation more in detail, and I am sure you would be more comfortable hearing it from him.” It didn’t leave Jai much room to avoid the situation, and that was what Nagano wanted.
To say the words did not settle well with Jai was an understatement. “Now wait just a damn minute; just what are you expecting me to decide? I’ve gotten nothing but suspicious glares or people looking the other way when I’ve been within ten feet of them since I’ve got here and now all of a sudden you think I should just feel some obligation to anybody here just because you want me to?”
To his credit Jai did not yell, his voice was the same flat tone that it had been all day but he was tense from the conversation and still a little shocked that it had all been pushed in his face at once.
For the first time in a long while Jai honestly did not understand the situation he found himself cast into.
“I am expecting you to decide whether or not you are willing to take up the responsibility of being a part of the family you were born into,” Nagano answered, taking a moment to push himself up to stand, the cold finally becoming a bit too much for him to handle. He looked down at Jai, and his words still were not unkind, but nevertheless unwavering because the idea of family was very important to him. “We cannot have anyone half acknowledging their tie to the rest of us and half pushing it aside. I hardly think it is wise to judge the others’ actions now, because they are only shocked with your arrival. They will calm over time, should you make the decision to take your place as one of us.” There was a clear set of options here, and it was up to Jai to figure out what he personally wanted to do in the situation.
Reduced back to silence by it all Jai only remained stock-still as the older man moved and resumed talking. He could claw together nothing worth saying; none of it made sense to him in the least.
He understood what had been said, yes, but the why to it all was the part that left him feeling so intensely uneasy.
Before he could even try to betray the shaky way he felt Jai dropped his gaze back to the ground in thought; not trusting his own nature to do anything but snarl at the very idea of someone else enforcing demands upon him.
Because he could not do that; it was all still to fresh and raw in his mind and he kept recalling Ryou and how dire the younger man had sounded when he had received that phone call days past.
And Jai got a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach; turning over possibilities that he did not want to and had to cut off sharply.
His eyes snapped shut and he distanced himself; not caring if he was still being watched or not, just desperate for an instant to calm the swell of stormy seas smashing against the inside of his skull.
Reaching up briefly to straighten his tie, Nagano considered the young man’s silence. It probably was a lot for him to have given Jai to sort though, but it had to be taken care of. If Jai needed time to himself to think, however, Nagano could certainly give him that. Others inside would probably be looking for him by now anyway, and he was fairly certain that Jai would not follow him inside, so he was prepared to move back into the house alone.
“It was good to become acquainted with you, Jaison,” Nagano voiced, dropping his hand again and making the short distance over to the door the led back inside. “I will leave you to your thoughts.” At that, he opened the door and stepped back inside, grateful for the warmth of the air there and feeling accomplished that he had initiated his prior conversation with his newfound grandson.
Even though he heard the words Jai offered nothing in response; there was really nothing he even wanted to say to the man.
The irony was almost painful; after spending most of his life angry and driven by the idea that he had something to prove because he was unwanted from the very start Jai found himself wondering if it all meant his accomplishments were empty without that meaning behind them.
And more than anything he felt smashed under the weight of rules that tore at his very basic nature to rear back and growl; to set his own place in the world.
How had everything fallen apart to the point of where it no longer felt as if he had anything in his grasp to control?
Jai shivered; the cold nipping at him acutely more than it had been and he welcomed the discomfort. The wind still curled past and played across those rusty swings not so very far away and teased at memories he thought he might have wanted before.
Now though, Jai was not so certain because even that soft creak sounded as loud as the rasp of metal bars crashing down.
***
Ryou caught sight of the shuffled form of his grandfather retreating towards the back of the house and sighed, thinking the meeting with Jai had not gone well at all if the man's expression were any indication. He had hoped for better, had hoped that Jai would finally get the point that he belonged here and belonged as part of their family.
But maybe he was just too stubborn for that, but was it right to blame him for that?
His chin dropped, a few strands of hair down in his eyes, and Ryou stared down at the photos spread out on the table in front of him. The chaos had died down enough for him to think, and he was looking for memories he wanted to relive. But it kept haunting him with how things had changed and he had as well.
A trip back to New York was not an option, at least not for a very long while, things here had to be taken care of first. His father had to be looked after and pushed back towards normality; there were other family members to speak with, and of course the small personal things. He could get his job back fairly easy, that would be a good start.
Maybe he belonged at home anyway, trying to track down a brother who wanted little to do with him had been misguided in the first place.
But they had started to relate better, had started to understand more; but he couldn't risk everything on chances he had already taken and had fallen through. What would the rest of the family think if he abandoned them now to follow Jai back to the city instead of staying here?
He had expectations to meet, and past that he didn't want to walk away from them again.
Maybe if he'd stayed in the first place, no, he couldn't blame himself for anything that had happened.
In the next room one of his younger cousins was laughing, talking about a family trip a few years back that Ryou was surprised she remembered at all; and that almost made him smile. The warm house around him; shades of creamy whites and tans, so welcoming and familiar. He had grown up there, had played with Amane in the rooms, had even spent long nights at the very table where he sat now studying for college exams.
The place had always been very good to him, very comforting with the strength of the people who were always there for him; unfailing. When he had needed to leave they sent him off with sad smiles, when he returned they always rejoiced.
So why had he ever thought he needed anything more with all he had?
Because Jai was a part of that family and if it wasn't whole then it was a failure, something was missing.
But Ryou knew that it wasn't going to work, Jai would leave and there was little going to stop that now; he just didn't understand what was important.
***
The breaking point came, almost in a fitting way; at that hillside with the freshly turned earth and the new marker stuck from the soil like a jagged, broken thing. Jai had come there for some closure; Ryou to seek out a difficult conversation, and they both found little but silence.
It should have meant more to Jai, Ryou knew; she should have meant more. But he didn't know just how much it had meant.
She was gone, she had left him; she had given Jai something he never would have pieced together if not for the long few days past.
The sandy breeze filled the silence, the pause littered amid broken soil and chilly air; until there were too few words and barely enough strength in voices to break across the miles of distance in the few feet between them.
"She didn't want me here," Jai remarked with eyes trained upon that stone and the name written across it, "She knew I wasn't supposed to be."
"She did want you but it just wasn't the best time," the protest spilled over Ryou's lips automatically and grew stronger.
"We want you here."
"You're staying?" The words had told him no less by themselves but Jai felt a twinge of something painful in having to ask.
Almost as drenched with hesitance as the counter to that heavy question; "You're not?"
***
Memories of the last few days all came in a blur to Ryou as he sat on the front step of the house; not daring to lift his gaze skyward to watch the planes that crept across the air at all hours of the day. He knew what it meant, and he knew what was gone; just as he knew he had to stay.
It wasn't so different; losing someone to death and losing them to distance, in the end they still faded out of your life.
Not the first time either that someone had faded, he had been too young then, he assumed it had been painful but over time he had blocked most of that day for his own sake. It was the easiest way to deal, of course, letting the memories fade and only recalling the good parts.
Amane… That had been much more sudden. Unfair? Tragic? It had been a long time since he’d really thought about it. Since he had to think about it, always at the back of his mind but so far past that it felt unreal and still so unfair. She should not have left, not when he wanted her to stay; wasn't she supposed to be his sister and that meant she belonged with him as long as possible.
Long enough to grow up, time for him to fret over her new boyfriends and watch her go to prom, to have children from him to play uncle to, long enough for all the family to stay together and everything to be fine.
And now mom was gone too, she should have stayed longer, just like Amane.
And Jai was gone, when he should have stayed; would Amane have understood that if she had been there?
Later that evening he picked up a pen and a few battered sheets of paper, sat down at the table in the backyard with the swings creaking softly in the chilly breeze; while hundreds of miles away another man with pale complexion and tired eyes sat on the fire escape outside his apartment just daring the dark to challenge him while wispy ghosts ate at his soul, he wrote to her.
'Say hello to Mom for me, Amane.
Jai came for a visit, too.'