(no subject)
it has been forever since i have just bloged
i think i am moving out and giving furbit to my friend shei because i just cant live here, my anger and anxiety with men has just gone through the roof to a level that i cant deal with anymore, when i am here i am so angry all the time. i feel so stressed and i stop being able to function, so i need to not live with a man. i am going to talk to chris about it today, and i am not looking foward to this at all because i dont want to hurt him and i am dreading the hurt in his eyes. i am just not ok. i am going fucking crazy. i fucking hate being alive, fuck you alexa, the least you could have dont was shot me before shooting yourself FUCK. i have not recovered from her killing herself. i failed out of all my classes except one from the time she killed herself till i stopped going and now i am starting again. i refuse to fail again, but it is really taking a toll on me. i am so angry and sad and i fucking miss her and i wish i was in her shoes. i havent been able to pick back up, as if i didnt already have issues then she walked into my life, and i wish she hadnt. i wish she hadnt asked me to coffee the second day of the first class we had together, i just wish if this was going to be her fucking decision that she would have never even bothered to talk to me.i know it wasnt her plan at the time, people dont usually plan suicide over a year in advance, but still why the fuck did she have to walk into my fucking life? i have been a fucking reck ever since and i dont know what to do to pick up. i am forcing myself to focus on school again and actually go to class, but i have no desire to meet new people, i dont want anyone new in my life. i dont want to talk to people i just want to sit in the back corner keep my head down and do my work. i dont want new friends. i dont want new people in my life. i dont want to loose anyone who i let that close to suicide ever again. damn it i saw it coming, it was in the back of my fucking mind, but i didnt think she would actually shoot herself, i should have done more, i should have. and i know "if the person had thier mind made up there is nothing you could do" BULLSHIT fuck you if you say that to me! try telling that to my thoughts and feelings. i may "know" this intellectually, but emotionally its false, its bullshit. i cant take the guilt and sadness much more, its so fucking intense i wish it would just go away.
i think i am moving out and giving furbit to my friend shei because i just cant live here, my anger and anxiety with men has just gone through the roof to a level that i cant deal with anymore, when i am here i am so angry all the time. i feel so stressed and i stop being able to function, so i need to not live with a man. i am going to talk to chris about it today, and i am not looking foward to this at all because i dont want to hurt him and i am dreading the hurt in his eyes. i am just not ok. i am going fucking crazy. i fucking hate being alive, fuck you alexa, the least you could have dont was shot me before shooting yourself FUCK. i have not recovered from her killing herself. i failed out of all my classes except one from the time she killed herself till i stopped going and now i am starting again. i refuse to fail again, but it is really taking a toll on me. i am so angry and sad and i fucking miss her and i wish i was in her shoes. i havent been able to pick back up, as if i didnt already have issues then she walked into my life, and i wish she hadnt. i wish she hadnt asked me to coffee the second day of the first class we had together, i just wish if this was going to be her fucking decision that she would have never even bothered to talk to me.i know it wasnt her plan at the time, people dont usually plan suicide over a year in advance, but still why the fuck did she have to walk into my fucking life? i have been a fucking reck ever since and i dont know what to do to pick up. i am forcing myself to focus on school again and actually go to class, but i have no desire to meet new people, i dont want anyone new in my life. i dont want to talk to people i just want to sit in the back corner keep my head down and do my work. i dont want new friends. i dont want new people in my life. i dont want to loose anyone who i let that close to suicide ever again. damn it i saw it coming, it was in the back of my fucking mind, but i didnt think she would actually shoot herself, i should have done more, i should have. and i know "if the person had thier mind made up there is nothing you could do" BULLSHIT fuck you if you say that to me! try telling that to my thoughts and feelings. i may "know" this intellectually, but emotionally its false, its bullshit. i cant take the guilt and sadness much more, its so fucking intense i wish it would just go away.