Paim and It's Influences...
I started cutting my self some today...you know why...because I wanted to check to make sure I could still feel it. I have been so caught up in my own stress I forgot that someone I love needs me...to be strong and healthy...I'm letting him down and I can't stop...I want to get better so much...and I am just making him feel worse, which in turns makes me feel worse and so on...talk about a vicious cycle...but he is the only one who can bring a genuine smile to my face, and probably the only one who'd care to try..and you know what? I dont think he will ever know how grateful I am for his existance. With out him, to this day, I'd still be pining for something that wasn't real..for some sense of self worth...he brought up earlier that I was hiding my body from him out of self loathing, and he was right, but there was a time that I wouldn't show any of my body, and it looked good compared to what I look like now...there was a time I hated myself so much that I had researched all the different ways to kill myself and which would have been easiest...I don't want to die now though...I want to live and be with him forever...because despite all the pain I'm feeling, I am happy just to have him next to me at night and see his smile in the morning...that is why I go on...and that is why I will do whatever he asks...I love you Dillon...If you need me for something, ask me...I know your in pain to and part of my problem is you wont share it with me...it makes me think you don't trust me...or maybe I'm not what you want...