(no subject)
I feel fortunate. It's been a growing sensation these last months. I'd like to say I deserve all this-- actually, I will: I absolutely deserve this after so long; but even still there's that intense feeling of fortune. Luck. Gratitude. I want to ask what it is exactly that I've done to warrant this, you, but I know. Years of wanting and never taking, of always pulling back, of a bond stronger than that of plain friendship but beyond that too of more; years of pretend and not, years of faking and truth, years of understanding and accepting. And now we're here. Right here where I'm happy. Happy. H, a, p, p, y in italics full stop. Only maybe not quite full stop because its "Happy" comma "and so completely in love" full stop. It fills me with awe.
I've been trying for weeks now to write about so wonderful a thing Hayden did for me, if only in private or hidden on a paper in a journal stuck away under my bed. Anything, just to write it out because it wasn't just the experience, it was how completely generous he was with it. Giving me everything I wanted and that which I hadn't realized I'd wanted; knowing me well enough to know what I could handle; building me up and then tearing me down with no restraint; and finally letting me find peace and complete safety in the circle of his arms. Never once judging and always giving until I was just too weak to take and then he lulled me away to sleep. Maybe that's why I can't write it. How does one begin to describe the strength of emotional response all that inspires? Gratitude and adoring worship so strong and unrestrained that it makes the love inside blossom and grow thousands fold.
Even last week when we fought in a way so foreign to us - expected, inevitable, but still so very foreign - I was filled with that lingering sense of awe. I have never had a mature fight with the people I've been involved with. Adult. Where tempers can fly and be let loose and perhaps words that shouldn't be said are, but never once being turned into a child for feeling, or to be berated for feeling. And best of it all, staying. Staying and talking it all the way through so that now that the storm of it has passed I feel closer to him for it. Feeling now as though I could say anything, absolutely anything, and know beyond those shadowed lingering doubts that he will stay to talk it through. That means so much more to me than I can make my words describe.
Then tonight. Ah me, tonight. It's funny how you can desire something without knowing until you let the words come out in a joke, only to stop and realize "wait, no, don't laugh, I mean that!" It was more than just that promise, that simple little agreement, though wonderful that it was. It sort of let loose a dam of feelings that had been welling for some time. There are still no words for it. None. I won't even try to tarnish it further with the ones I can try to piece together. Instead I will just say "wow" and smile so bright and full and let those feelings swim all around inside.
You are my world. Absolutely.
I've been trying for weeks now to write about so wonderful a thing Hayden did for me, if only in private or hidden on a paper in a journal stuck away under my bed. Anything, just to write it out because it wasn't just the experience, it was how completely generous he was with it. Giving me everything I wanted and that which I hadn't realized I'd wanted; knowing me well enough to know what I could handle; building me up and then tearing me down with no restraint; and finally letting me find peace and complete safety in the circle of his arms. Never once judging and always giving until I was just too weak to take and then he lulled me away to sleep. Maybe that's why I can't write it. How does one begin to describe the strength of emotional response all that inspires? Gratitude and adoring worship so strong and unrestrained that it makes the love inside blossom and grow thousands fold.
Even last week when we fought in a way so foreign to us - expected, inevitable, but still so very foreign - I was filled with that lingering sense of awe. I have never had a mature fight with the people I've been involved with. Adult. Where tempers can fly and be let loose and perhaps words that shouldn't be said are, but never once being turned into a child for feeling, or to be berated for feeling. And best of it all, staying. Staying and talking it all the way through so that now that the storm of it has passed I feel closer to him for it. Feeling now as though I could say anything, absolutely anything, and know beyond those shadowed lingering doubts that he will stay to talk it through. That means so much more to me than I can make my words describe.
Then tonight. Ah me, tonight. It's funny how you can desire something without knowing until you let the words come out in a joke, only to stop and realize "wait, no, don't laugh, I mean that!" It was more than just that promise, that simple little agreement, though wonderful that it was. It sort of let loose a dam of feelings that had been welling for some time. There are still no words for it. None. I won't even try to tarnish it further with the ones I can try to piece together. Instead I will just say "wow" and smile so bright and full and let those feelings swim all around inside.
You are my world. Absolutely.