fireworks & lists
I should NOT worry about STUPID things like:
Camera delaying in taking photographs of fireworks so that I miss the photo opportunity. Every single 10 000 of them.
BLURRY photos, camera unfocusses at the last minute in CRUCIAL photo moments
Camera movement due to lack of tripod. (During fireworks)
being grainy when there is no need to be.
photo opportunities appearing when i haven't cleansed the camera of the other photos
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THINGS I'VE BEEN PROCRASTINATING ABOUT that worry me, that I should do/will regret if I don't, but really don't want to:
Writing into a magazine like Dolly or Girlfriend, and telling them about having Synaethesia. I think it would be an interesting thing for people to read, but I'm too much of a wimp/too self concious/too much of a perfectionist/make too many excuses not to.
asking mum/dad about the date of nanna's death, as I can't remember. Don't want to upset anyone.
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Things that anger me/make me feel like I want to cry:
(you get the general gist from this)
Background: Class is drawing a picture for a calendar that parents can order, and each student has to draw their own little picture/scene.
If you erase my sister's beautiful drawing that she's done for the calendar, I hate you.
If the basis of you erasing it was because the flower petals weren't perfect, I hate you.
If you then redraw the picture YOURSELF, against the child's wishes, I hate you.
If you then tell her you're "being hard on you because your parents ordered a calendar", I hate you and your effing guts.
If you expect everyone to think nothing of this, and to appreciate the fact that the kids are taking home the teachers work, I hate you even more.
I also get upset when lucienne is being bullied and I can't do anything about it, and she just won't stand up for herself and say no, and the teachers, the pathetic teachers. i hate them too.
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OTHER things that keep ITCHING at my mind; regardless of whether i want them too or not:
emailing teacher episode [note to self: FORGET! For god's sake, it was a LONG TIME ago, and you WON'T do it again, and NO, no one is thinking about it anymore no matter HOW many times it goes through your head that they are. it's OVER. O-V-A-H.
The fact that I don't feel i'm up to date with ANY social life whatsoever, and haven't had a boyfriend. I know, pathetic. Eurgh. Everytime I see ross and rachel on friends though, I think, Awww...
Darnit.
My hair. the fact that it i keep pulling it out, even though i know i shouldn't, and that it will never grow if I don't stop. i can't help it though, i don't know that I'm doing it, and the next minute it's gone, or there's this huge clump of hair sitting calmly on my shoulder or whatever. it upsets me. Ugh.
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things that ANNOY me to NO end, even though they SHOULD NOT:
The fact that I can be in a perfectly happy mood, content, non-worried, whatever, and then suddenly, BAM! Whoo, guess what?
* Mum is depressed/angry/ PESSIMISTIC
or!!!!!!
* i suddenly tune in to the world, and find that yes, my sister is singing, or the little one is searching clunkily for toys, and yes, it does annoy me, because i can now hear it.
* the fact that i don't keep in contact with as often as i'd like with friends , the fact that i don't realise how lucky i really am, and that many people would love to be me, in my lifestyle. But they aren't stressarama-maniacs who have other stuff in their life going on, but then i think oh, hey, they might!
And then i think i'm awful.
and ugh.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
i hate that i can't be honest with people and tell them how i really feel, not even online.
how i feel about them, and how i feel about myself.
sometimes i feel that my life is just a made up bunch of lies i've evented to keep people content and prevent them from asking questions.
then, my life isn't exactly horrendous either. it's just a life. i'm just me, and i'm not in any way mysterious or anything, and I'm not always happy, and I don't like everyone, and sometimes I get annoyed and frustrated with people online too.
i also don't like it when i am tied between two things, and then actually think about being tied between two things instead of thinking about poor people in africa or something, and i feel i'm saying too much, and if i read this, i'm going to hate everything about it, what i've said, and all. but i need to get it out.
No I don't.
yes I do.
SEE? I even confuse myself sometimes.
And how can 17% of the world feel calm when I'm going crazy trying to figure out why I'm not calm?
When I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about?
and however many times i say that , that it doesn't alter the fact that i'm not always fine. I stress.
And that I feel I say that too much, and that people get sick of hearing about me.
And that's why i feel that i don't think I should post this, but then I'd feel awful and that it was a waste, so i don't know.
it's not like anyone is going to read it anyway. except maybe tangled. :-)
Actually, I think I am too self absorbed. but then not enough.
i'd hate reading something like this though, and if you've read this to the last line, congratulate yourself. you're insane, and i like that.
Not everyone though.
Ps.
I'm vain too.
Since I'm being brutally honest.
I'm extremely vain. and yet Why? Why am I like this? Why so vain? Why so talkative only while typing? Why so pedantic, worried, stressed, and altogether weird? And strange? and why so thinking about myself only when typing?
Why?
i thought i'd have trouble finding a mood.
luckily they have indescribable.
Camera delaying in taking photographs of fireworks so that I miss the photo opportunity. Every single 10 000 of them.
BLURRY photos, camera unfocusses at the last minute in CRUCIAL photo moments
Camera movement due to lack of tripod. (During fireworks)
being grainy when there is no need to be.
photo opportunities appearing when i haven't cleansed the camera of the other photos
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
THINGS I'VE BEEN PROCRASTINATING ABOUT that worry me, that I should do/will regret if I don't, but really don't want to:
Writing into a magazine like Dolly or Girlfriend, and telling them about having Synaethesia. I think it would be an interesting thing for people to read, but I'm too much of a wimp/too self concious/too much of a perfectionist/make too many excuses not to.
asking mum/dad about the date of nanna's death, as I can't remember. Don't want to upset anyone.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Things that anger me/make me feel like I want to cry:
(you get the general gist from this)
Background: Class is drawing a picture for a calendar that parents can order, and each student has to draw their own little picture/scene.
If you erase my sister's beautiful drawing that she's done for the calendar, I hate you.
If the basis of you erasing it was because the flower petals weren't perfect, I hate you.
If you then redraw the picture YOURSELF, against the child's wishes, I hate you.
If you then tell her you're "being hard on you because your parents ordered a calendar", I hate you and your effing guts.
If you expect everyone to think nothing of this, and to appreciate the fact that the kids are taking home the teachers work, I hate you even more.
I also get upset when lucienne is being bullied and I can't do anything about it, and she just won't stand up for herself and say no, and the teachers, the pathetic teachers. i hate them too.
______________________________________________________________________________________
OTHER things that keep ITCHING at my mind; regardless of whether i want them too or not:
emailing teacher episode [note to self: FORGET! For god's sake, it was a LONG TIME ago, and you WON'T do it again, and NO, no one is thinking about it anymore no matter HOW many times it goes through your head that they are. it's OVER. O-V-A-H.
The fact that I don't feel i'm up to date with ANY social life whatsoever, and haven't had a boyfriend. I know, pathetic. Eurgh. Everytime I see ross and rachel on friends though, I think, Awww...
Darnit.
My hair. the fact that it i keep pulling it out, even though i know i shouldn't, and that it will never grow if I don't stop. i can't help it though, i don't know that I'm doing it, and the next minute it's gone, or there's this huge clump of hair sitting calmly on my shoulder or whatever. it upsets me. Ugh.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
things that ANNOY me to NO end, even though they SHOULD NOT:
The fact that I can be in a perfectly happy mood, content, non-worried, whatever, and then suddenly, BAM! Whoo, guess what?
* Mum is depressed/angry/ PESSIMISTIC
or!!!!!!
* i suddenly tune in to the world, and find that yes, my sister is singing, or the little one is searching clunkily for toys, and yes, it does annoy me, because i can now hear it.
* the fact that i don't keep in contact with as often as i'd like with friends , the fact that i don't realise how lucky i really am, and that many people would love to be me, in my lifestyle. But they aren't stressarama-maniacs who have other stuff in their life going on, but then i think oh, hey, they might!
And then i think i'm awful.
and ugh.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
i hate that i can't be honest with people and tell them how i really feel, not even online.
how i feel about them, and how i feel about myself.
sometimes i feel that my life is just a made up bunch of lies i've evented to keep people content and prevent them from asking questions.
then, my life isn't exactly horrendous either. it's just a life. i'm just me, and i'm not in any way mysterious or anything, and I'm not always happy, and I don't like everyone, and sometimes I get annoyed and frustrated with people online too.
i also don't like it when i am tied between two things, and then actually think about being tied between two things instead of thinking about poor people in africa or something, and i feel i'm saying too much, and if i read this, i'm going to hate everything about it, what i've said, and all. but i need to get it out.
No I don't.
yes I do.
SEE? I even confuse myself sometimes.
And how can 17% of the world feel calm when I'm going crazy trying to figure out why I'm not calm?
When I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about?
and however many times i say that , that it doesn't alter the fact that i'm not always fine. I stress.
And that I feel I say that too much, and that people get sick of hearing about me.
And that's why i feel that i don't think I should post this, but then I'd feel awful and that it was a waste, so i don't know.
it's not like anyone is going to read it anyway. except maybe tangled. :-)
Actually, I think I am too self absorbed. but then not enough.
i'd hate reading something like this though, and if you've read this to the last line, congratulate yourself. you're insane, and i like that.
Not everyone though.
Ps.
I'm vain too.
Since I'm being brutally honest.
I'm extremely vain. and yet Why? Why am I like this? Why so vain? Why so talkative only while typing? Why so pedantic, worried, stressed, and altogether weird? And strange? and why so thinking about myself only when typing?
Why?
i thought i'd have trouble finding a mood.
luckily they have indescribable.