"and my head I walk along . . ."
Maybe it's the season. Maybe it's the warm weather in November that makes me remember perhaps the best month of my life, 3 years ago. November 2003. Three years. So much has changed. How much I care hasn't, even if what that means has changed. Of all the people I miss, lately I've been missing him the most. It might be that I'm here at Lesley
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Each day (especially at night, in my dreams) I am haunted by ghosts from the past: the patterns of relationships, power struggles, fears, failures, beliefs that were first created long ago. I know that I'm not going to be able to be grounded and whole and living in the present until I make peace with my past. It's a lot easier said than done. It is so hard to both hold the deep, painful emotion, and to try to be present in the adult, compassionate, reasonable, self-loving part of myself so that I can actually heal that early pain. The hardest part is forgiving myself now for the ways I still act from those old patterns, because the pain and guilt can, and do, drain my energy and determination if I don't deal with the emotions as they arise.
Even if I do a lot of the hard work myself these days, I never would have come this far if it wasn't for the people I've been blessed to have in my life, those who have inspired me, supported me, loved me, and had faith in me. I'm so grateful. It takes getting through and accepting pain and reality to reach gratitude, but I feel more whole and more alive when I get there. :)
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