Amar y querer no es igual, amar es sufrir, querer es gozar
You know what’s funny about getting older? When you’re younger you are different, special, have a unique outlook on life. Then you get older. And you realize that everyone else was right. The world really does suck as much as they all said. Guys really are all jerks, love really is a huge horrible mess, you really can’t be happy without money and things. How depressing! I used to think that there were exceptions. That not ALL guys only wanted sex; that you could love someone happily and settle into a nice relationship; that people didn’t really need all the things they thought they needed. WRONG! Life is a fucking mess, and it SUCKS.
Let’s start with guys being jerks. Ok, there is the OCCASIONAL exception (I still refuse to believe that Rodrigo is a jerk) but for the most part, yes, every guy you meet just wants you to spread your legs, and while you’re fantasizing about him caressing your face and falling madly in love with you, the idea of doing just that makes him sick. If you don’t give them what they want, they get angry and think of you as just a stupid prude. But if you do give in, then you become an easy whore and no one respects you. Wh-wh-whaaaaat? Since when is this EVER fair??
Now love is even worse. When I was younger I thought love could be sweet. And love that wasn’t sweet, was just love gone wrong. Right? Wrong. When I got a little older, I decided that a lot of love is what we call in Spanish “querer.” Querer is liking the way that someone makes you feel, liking the attention and the physical intimacy, but without a really deep connection in any other way. So I began to think a lot about the difference between “querer” and “amar” (the other Spanish word for love) and decided that querer has it’s values, but amar is the real gem. Wrong again.
Let me tell you a little about my own experiences. I’ve loved four guys in the “querer” sense. Keaton, Dustin, Armando, and Héctor, in that order. It was fine, typical. Nothing really amazing. Of course. Hence the use of the term “querer.” Then there was this one guy. Rodrigo. Oh, it was amazing. Let me tell you, AMAZING with all capital letters. But things never really work out right, do they? All these problems came up. I was too sensitive, I wasn’t clean enough, I needed too much attention. So we broke up. It happens. But we loved each other. We really couldn’t break up. I started going out with someone else. The wrong someone else. He went crazy. I went crazy. We wanted to get back together. We didn’t. We weren’t sure. We loved each other. We were scared.
JESUS CHRIST.
Just TOO HARD.
Let’s talk about a specific problem. I always wanted to go out on the weekends. I always begged to go out. But he always wanted to stay home. So I gave up, I stayed home. Then I find that he has told at least one person “estar con alguien tanto tiempo me hizo ver que necesito estar la mayoría del tiempo solo. No salgo con mis amigos tanto que digamos” which translates to “being with someone so much time made me see that I need to be alone most of the the time. I don’t go out with my friends so much, so to speak.” Whaaaaat? I wanted to go out and you always said no, and now I’m the one who was holding back? What fucking universe do you live in, boy? And now while you’re begging me to come back to you, I’m going to be hearing the words “being with someone so much time made me see that I need to be alone most of the time” repeated time and time again. Either you need to be with me or you need to be alone, you can’t need both.
Y además, you told me that you EXPECTED to feel like you needed more time alone, but IN REALITY you were just so happy and content being with me. Thanks for the lies. And I thought not all guys were jerks.
Sorry about the mini rant. Like I was saying. TOO COMPLICATED! But every time I decide that I’m going to leave this all behind me, I see him, and I fall in love all over again, and it’s as if every problem we ever had never existed. I decide to be with him, and everything falls apart. I decide to run away, and I can’t.
Love in the “amar” sense, is just a waste of time. Yes, you’re right, maybe you could never spend the rest of your life with that person that you just love “querer.” Maybe they’ll never really understand you. Maybe you won’t feel that wonderful “click” when you just know that this is RIGHT. But hey, when everything is just superficial, you never have to work that hard.
Now, onto that other forgotten topic that I brought up way back at the beginning of this conversation. I used to criticize the people that married for money, or crazy things like that. Now all I can think is, if only I had a little more money, I could buy that moped that I want, I could buy all the food I want, I could buy the clothes I want, the tattoo I want, the haircut I want. It’s really hard to live without money. It really sucks.
So there you have it folks. At my 19 years, I’ve made a huge realization. Life really does suck.
Let’s start with guys being jerks. Ok, there is the OCCASIONAL exception (I still refuse to believe that Rodrigo is a jerk) but for the most part, yes, every guy you meet just wants you to spread your legs, and while you’re fantasizing about him caressing your face and falling madly in love with you, the idea of doing just that makes him sick. If you don’t give them what they want, they get angry and think of you as just a stupid prude. But if you do give in, then you become an easy whore and no one respects you. Wh-wh-whaaaaat? Since when is this EVER fair??
Now love is even worse. When I was younger I thought love could be sweet. And love that wasn’t sweet, was just love gone wrong. Right? Wrong. When I got a little older, I decided that a lot of love is what we call in Spanish “querer.” Querer is liking the way that someone makes you feel, liking the attention and the physical intimacy, but without a really deep connection in any other way. So I began to think a lot about the difference between “querer” and “amar” (the other Spanish word for love) and decided that querer has it’s values, but amar is the real gem. Wrong again.
Let me tell you a little about my own experiences. I’ve loved four guys in the “querer” sense. Keaton, Dustin, Armando, and Héctor, in that order. It was fine, typical. Nothing really amazing. Of course. Hence the use of the term “querer.” Then there was this one guy. Rodrigo. Oh, it was amazing. Let me tell you, AMAZING with all capital letters. But things never really work out right, do they? All these problems came up. I was too sensitive, I wasn’t clean enough, I needed too much attention. So we broke up. It happens. But we loved each other. We really couldn’t break up. I started going out with someone else. The wrong someone else. He went crazy. I went crazy. We wanted to get back together. We didn’t. We weren’t sure. We loved each other. We were scared.
JESUS CHRIST.
Just TOO HARD.
Let’s talk about a specific problem. I always wanted to go out on the weekends. I always begged to go out. But he always wanted to stay home. So I gave up, I stayed home. Then I find that he has told at least one person “estar con alguien tanto tiempo me hizo ver que necesito estar la mayoría del tiempo solo. No salgo con mis amigos tanto que digamos” which translates to “being with someone so much time made me see that I need to be alone most of the the time. I don’t go out with my friends so much, so to speak.” Whaaaaat? I wanted to go out and you always said no, and now I’m the one who was holding back? What fucking universe do you live in, boy? And now while you’re begging me to come back to you, I’m going to be hearing the words “being with someone so much time made me see that I need to be alone most of the time” repeated time and time again. Either you need to be with me or you need to be alone, you can’t need both.
Y además, you told me that you EXPECTED to feel like you needed more time alone, but IN REALITY you were just so happy and content being with me. Thanks for the lies. And I thought not all guys were jerks.
Sorry about the mini rant. Like I was saying. TOO COMPLICATED! But every time I decide that I’m going to leave this all behind me, I see him, and I fall in love all over again, and it’s as if every problem we ever had never existed. I decide to be with him, and everything falls apart. I decide to run away, and I can’t.
Love in the “amar” sense, is just a waste of time. Yes, you’re right, maybe you could never spend the rest of your life with that person that you just love “querer.” Maybe they’ll never really understand you. Maybe you won’t feel that wonderful “click” when you just know that this is RIGHT. But hey, when everything is just superficial, you never have to work that hard.
Now, onto that other forgotten topic that I brought up way back at the beginning of this conversation. I used to criticize the people that married for money, or crazy things like that. Now all I can think is, if only I had a little more money, I could buy that moped that I want, I could buy all the food I want, I could buy the clothes I want, the tattoo I want, the haircut I want. It’s really hard to live without money. It really sucks.
So there you have it folks. At my 19 years, I’ve made a huge realization. Life really does suck.