Local Hipster Over-Explaining Why He Was At The Mall
"You know I normally wouldn't be caught dead in some corporate suburban hellhole like that," the 24-year-old Larsen told friends at Jack's Wax, an independent record store he frequents. "But I was out near Jefferson Mall because I had to get a new air filter for my car, and they're about five bucks cheaper at that Crown Auto over there. Then, I got to thinking how my dad's birthday's coming up, and I should probably get him something. I figured I'd try the mall, since it's got tons of the kind of stupid crap he likes."
"I can't believe I actually set foot in that place," added Larsen, posting a flyer for his band's upcoming gig in the Jack's Wax window. "If not for my dad and his dorko taste, I wouldn't have gone within 50 miles of that den of lameness."
After briefly browsing B. Dalton, The Sunglass Hut, and Camelot Music for something for his father, Larsen said he became so disgusted with "the unbelievable mainstream-ness of it all" that he couldn't bring himself to spend money at any of the stores. Giving up on finding a gift, Larsen decided to explore some of the mall's other outlets, "just as a joke."
He eventually wound up buying himself a silver-chain pocket watch, a purchase he spent nearly 20 minutes justifying to his fellow scenesters.
"I was walking around, just laughing my ass off at all the stores, when I decided to go into this place called The Wild Side, which is pretty much the lamest of them all," Larsen said. "It had all these 'leather' biker jackets that were made out of plastic, not to mention all this other cheesy, wanna-be-punk stuff. You know, poseur shit for the suburban rebel."
"But then, just as I was about to end my 'walk on The Wild Side,' I saw in a display case this German silver pocket watch, which, by some miracle, was actually kind of cool," Larsen continued. "Plus, it was on clearance for really cheap. Honestly, though, I only got it because I needed a new watch. I think my other one's about to break. It's been running really slow. Otherwise, I never would have given a penny to those losers."
While at the mall, Larsen also purchased a stainless-steel coffee thermos from Williams-Sonoma, a copy of Star Wars: Episode One "because the movie was so bad, it's hilarious," and the Playstation game Ape Escape, which Larsen says is impossible to find used.
According to Rick Caras, Larsen's roommate and bandmate, this is not the first time he has over-explained a brush with mainstream culture.
"Last week, I noticed a Kid Rock CD on Anders' shelf, and I was like, 'Anders, you own a fuckin' Kid Rock CD?" Caras said. "Well, I got this 20-minute saga about how he bought it for his little brother, who's into that kind of rap-metal junk, but his brother already had it, so he was going to return it. But then he ended up opening it, just to hear that one stupid 'Bawitdaba' song that he heard on WTFX once-not that he ever listens to that 'shitty-ass corporate-rock station,' but he happened to be in a gas station when it came on and became 'entranced by its profound patheticness.'"
Among the other items Larsen has over-explained recently: how he knows who Keri Russell is, why he ate at Bennigan's, what he is doing with an Entertainment Weekly subscription, and why he saw the movie Keeping The Faith.
The Onion May 10th 2000
"I can't believe I actually set foot in that place," added Larsen, posting a flyer for his band's upcoming gig in the Jack's Wax window. "If not for my dad and his dorko taste, I wouldn't have gone within 50 miles of that den of lameness."
After briefly browsing B. Dalton, The Sunglass Hut, and Camelot Music for something for his father, Larsen said he became so disgusted with "the unbelievable mainstream-ness of it all" that he couldn't bring himself to spend money at any of the stores. Giving up on finding a gift, Larsen decided to explore some of the mall's other outlets, "just as a joke."
He eventually wound up buying himself a silver-chain pocket watch, a purchase he spent nearly 20 minutes justifying to his fellow scenesters.
"I was walking around, just laughing my ass off at all the stores, when I decided to go into this place called The Wild Side, which is pretty much the lamest of them all," Larsen said. "It had all these 'leather' biker jackets that were made out of plastic, not to mention all this other cheesy, wanna-be-punk stuff. You know, poseur shit for the suburban rebel."
"But then, just as I was about to end my 'walk on The Wild Side,' I saw in a display case this German silver pocket watch, which, by some miracle, was actually kind of cool," Larsen continued. "Plus, it was on clearance for really cheap. Honestly, though, I only got it because I needed a new watch. I think my other one's about to break. It's been running really slow. Otherwise, I never would have given a penny to those losers."
While at the mall, Larsen also purchased a stainless-steel coffee thermos from Williams-Sonoma, a copy of Star Wars: Episode One "because the movie was so bad, it's hilarious," and the Playstation game Ape Escape, which Larsen says is impossible to find used.
According to Rick Caras, Larsen's roommate and bandmate, this is not the first time he has over-explained a brush with mainstream culture.
"Last week, I noticed a Kid Rock CD on Anders' shelf, and I was like, 'Anders, you own a fuckin' Kid Rock CD?" Caras said. "Well, I got this 20-minute saga about how he bought it for his little brother, who's into that kind of rap-metal junk, but his brother already had it, so he was going to return it. But then he ended up opening it, just to hear that one stupid 'Bawitdaba' song that he heard on WTFX once-not that he ever listens to that 'shitty-ass corporate-rock station,' but he happened to be in a gas station when it came on and became 'entranced by its profound patheticness.'"
Among the other items Larsen has over-explained recently: how he knows who Keri Russell is, why he ate at Bennigan's, what he is doing with an Entertainment Weekly subscription, and why he saw the movie Keeping The Faith.
The Onion May 10th 2000