(no subject)

[dollyb]

Fucking sucks. Every year I cry on my birthday. EVERY year. I'm scared about everything, I'm scared about losing everything, I'm scared of being screwed over, I'm scared about being alone, I'm scared about being involved in things that I don't want to be involved in, I'm scared because I can never seem to do anything right, I'm scared because I don't understand how I feel a lot, I'm scared because I don't follow rules sthat I should, I'm scared because I put myself out there and get trampled, I'm scared because I'll always do that, I'm scared because you won't call me when you're mad at me, I'm scared because this all happened because I didn't want another animal in this house, I'm scared because there's no one else, I'm scared because I don't think that you'll ever let Travis go completely, I'm scared because I don't know how to live sometimes, I'm scared because you make scary decisions and I'm scared because I just want you to be happy so I support you, I'm scared because I just want to be normal, I'm scared because I don't want to be normal, I'm scared because I don't care how you'll react to this, I'm scared because I'm still writing, I'm scared because I'm so fucking weak, I'm scared because I don't want you to do something stupid like screw me via money tree, I'm scared because I can't fully trust anyone, I'm scared because no one can fully trust me, I'm scared because I can't stop crying, I'm scared because I don't know myself very well, I'm scared because I just want loyalty, I'm scared because I don't know what that is, I'm scared that I'll be FUCKED over forever, I'm scared that if I stand my ground all the time that this will happen, I'm scared because you intepret me in the way I don't intend a lot, I'm scared because I don't pipe up, I'm scared because there are assumptions, I'm scared because I won't sleep, I'm scared because I feel like I have no one right now, I'm so upset because I'm crying on my birthday, I'm scared because that keeps happening, and I'm scared because I don't know what to expect tomorrow.

I'm a really scared girl. And I'm really needing to find my own. And I'm really needing to just LIVE.