Holiday Fic #14 - work is a vampire (Ryan & Pam)
This is for the always fabulous rainbowstevie, who asked for a discussion about True Blood between Ryan and Pam! :)
work is a vampire - The Office ; Ryan & Pam ; 678 words. "Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood."
Ryan: Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one-
Pam: I'm going into labor.
(“Doomsday”)
Pam has the baby. It doesn’t do wonders for her ‘I’m going into labor’ excuse. So once maternity leave is over and she’s back at the office, Ryan corners her in the breakroom. There’s no escape.
“Number one,” Ryan says. “Russell Edgington: what’s the big deal?”
Pam’s jaw drops. “Are you serious?”
And just like that: she’s in this.
“Number two,” Ryan says, pointing at her with one of the potato chips they just bought from the vending machine. “‘Sookie should just have both of them’ - lazy, and that totally defeats the point of a carefully crafted love triangle.”
“Carefully crafted?” Pam stares at him. “All right. You’re not serious.”
“You can’t just solve a love triangle with a threeway,” Ryan says authoritatively.
“You can on HBO,” Pam replies.
“Yeah, all right, Pam, let’s just make threeways the answer to all our problems,” Ryan scoffs. “Why don’t you just have Jim and Dwight?”
“Wow,” Pam says, “okay.”
“That’s basically what you’re saying here. So admit it: Bill Compton’s a thing of the past. The future is all Eric Northman.”
“I like Vampire Bill,” Pam confesses, thinking of dorkily gallant Southern accents. “He’s so lame. It’s kinda sweet.”
Ryan smirks.
“What?” Pam says.
“Nothing,” Ryan says. “It’s just - you and Jim suddenly make way more sense together. That’s all.”
Ass.
“By the way,” she says, “you tried to trick Erin into a threeway for like six months.”
“That’s totally different.”
“Oh yeah? How so?”
“Two dudes is weird.”
“I bet if Michael and Holly were going to have a threeway,” Pam says, “you’d be at the top of the list.”
Ryan lets out a yowl of anguish.
“Don’t you miss Michael?” Pam says innocently. “I miss Michael.”
“Number three,” Ryan says. “It was way out of line for you to laugh when I said that thing about dressing up like Alcide for Halloween.”
“I laughed?” Pam says. “I don’t think I laughed.” This is ruined by the fact that she’s laughing again. Just a little.
“We’ve got the same coloring, Pam,” says Ryan impatiently. “So what if the guy is, like, slightly taller?”
“Slightly,” Pam agrees, and that definitely wasn’t a squeak of laughter. Nope.
“The camera adds six inches.”
“So when this documentary comes out,” Pam tests, “you’re going to basically look like a hot werewolf.”
“Yep,” Ryan says.
“Except,” Pam says, “wearing a shirt. Instead of showing off those glorious abs you absolutely, no doubt have under there.” She squints at his shirt.
“I have glorious abs,” Ryan informs her.
“I’m sure you do,” Pam says, nodding. Slowly.
“You want to see?, ‘cause I’ll show you.” And he starts pulling his sweater vest up.
“No,” Pam says firmly. How is it that she always manages to forget just how crazy the crazy people she works with are? “Nooo, no, Ryan, no, no, knock it off! I’ll get Toby! I’m getting Toby!-”
“You asked,” Ryan says, with something like the hipster version of a triumphant cackle.
Pam’s got her eyes covered with her hands (and is, okay, maybe peeking between her fingers a little) and Ryan's basically beginning the world’s stupidest strip tease when-
“Eh ehm.”
Kelly is standing with her arms crossed in the doorway.
“This is not what it looks like,” Pam blurts out, yanking Ryan’s shirt back down. Even though she really has no idea what it could look like.
“Oh, so Ryan’s not perving on a pregnant lady again?” Kelly says airily.
“Jesus, Kelly, how many times do I have to tell you?” Ryan says, rolling his eyes. “I thought she was just fat-”
“Whatevs,” Kelly chirps, and bounces out of the breakroom.
“Not pregnant anymore!” Pam calls after her. “The baby’s out! You should probably … start remembering that!”
“You should probably lose the weight,” Ryan says, “and that would help her remember.”
“Thanks, Ryan,” Pam says, in a tone that means I kinda wish I could stake you.
work is a vampire - The Office ; Ryan & Pam ; 678 words. "Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood."
Ryan: Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one-
Pam: I'm going into labor.
(“Doomsday”)
Pam has the baby. It doesn’t do wonders for her ‘I’m going into labor’ excuse. So once maternity leave is over and she’s back at the office, Ryan corners her in the breakroom. There’s no escape.
“Number one,” Ryan says. “Russell Edgington: what’s the big deal?”
Pam’s jaw drops. “Are you serious?”
And just like that: she’s in this.
“Number two,” Ryan says, pointing at her with one of the potato chips they just bought from the vending machine. “‘Sookie should just have both of them’ - lazy, and that totally defeats the point of a carefully crafted love triangle.”
“Carefully crafted?” Pam stares at him. “All right. You’re not serious.”
“You can’t just solve a love triangle with a threeway,” Ryan says authoritatively.
“You can on HBO,” Pam replies.
“Yeah, all right, Pam, let’s just make threeways the answer to all our problems,” Ryan scoffs. “Why don’t you just have Jim and Dwight?”
“Wow,” Pam says, “okay.”
“That’s basically what you’re saying here. So admit it: Bill Compton’s a thing of the past. The future is all Eric Northman.”
“I like Vampire Bill,” Pam confesses, thinking of dorkily gallant Southern accents. “He’s so lame. It’s kinda sweet.”
Ryan smirks.
“What?” Pam says.
“Nothing,” Ryan says. “It’s just - you and Jim suddenly make way more sense together. That’s all.”
Ass.
“By the way,” she says, “you tried to trick Erin into a threeway for like six months.”
“That’s totally different.”
“Oh yeah? How so?”
“Two dudes is weird.”
“I bet if Michael and Holly were going to have a threeway,” Pam says, “you’d be at the top of the list.”
Ryan lets out a yowl of anguish.
“Don’t you miss Michael?” Pam says innocently. “I miss Michael.”
“Number three,” Ryan says. “It was way out of line for you to laugh when I said that thing about dressing up like Alcide for Halloween.”
“I laughed?” Pam says. “I don’t think I laughed.” This is ruined by the fact that she’s laughing again. Just a little.
“We’ve got the same coloring, Pam,” says Ryan impatiently. “So what if the guy is, like, slightly taller?”
“Slightly,” Pam agrees, and that definitely wasn’t a squeak of laughter. Nope.
“The camera adds six inches.”
“So when this documentary comes out,” Pam tests, “you’re going to basically look like a hot werewolf.”
“Yep,” Ryan says.
“Except,” Pam says, “wearing a shirt. Instead of showing off those glorious abs you absolutely, no doubt have under there.” She squints at his shirt.
“I have glorious abs,” Ryan informs her.
“I’m sure you do,” Pam says, nodding. Slowly.
“You want to see?, ‘cause I’ll show you.” And he starts pulling his sweater vest up.
“No,” Pam says firmly. How is it that she always manages to forget just how crazy the crazy people she works with are? “Nooo, no, Ryan, no, no, knock it off! I’ll get Toby! I’m getting Toby!-”
“You asked,” Ryan says, with something like the hipster version of a triumphant cackle.
Pam’s got her eyes covered with her hands (and is, okay, maybe peeking between her fingers a little) and Ryan's basically beginning the world’s stupidest strip tease when-
“Eh ehm.”
Kelly is standing with her arms crossed in the doorway.
“This is not what it looks like,” Pam blurts out, yanking Ryan’s shirt back down. Even though she really has no idea what it could look like.
“Oh, so Ryan’s not perving on a pregnant lady again?” Kelly says airily.
“Jesus, Kelly, how many times do I have to tell you?” Ryan says, rolling his eyes. “I thought she was just fat-”
“Whatevs,” Kelly chirps, and bounces out of the breakroom.
“Not pregnant anymore!” Pam calls after her. “The baby’s out! You should probably … start remembering that!”
“You should probably lose the weight,” Ryan says, “and that would help her remember.”
“Thanks, Ryan,” Pam says, in a tone that means I kinda wish I could stake you.