The Shiny Happy Comment Ficathon!
Winter is coming; daylight is fleeting; for the students among us, end-of-semester hell is just about to rear its ugly head. What better way to combat such woes than with a super-cheerful comment ficathon?
Ergo:
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Ergo:
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You're totally going to grab Melissa and Katie and straight up drag them over there -- well, okay, maybe just Melissa because Katie is too hot for her own good sometimes and hi, there are only two, and you are so not passing up on your opportunity for one of them. But then you start to listen to their conversation. At first just because, accents. Sigh.
But then--
Well, what everyone needs to know here, first and foremost, is that that Eminem and Rihanna song is playing. And it doesn't matter if Megan Fox makes out with a hobbit in the music video; the fact remains that this song is depressing. Like, who is going to dance and have a good time to THIS? Except crazy people.
And, well:
"Love this one," says Billy Elliot. He downs his drink in one gulp. "Really resonates, y'know? Really sums it all up. Always wished I could do that. Sum it all up. God knows I bloody tried. So many poems ..."
"Oh, man, this song's like my anthem," says Only Hot 'Cause He's British. "Actually did tie her to the bed. Oh, God, Tara. TAAAAAAAARA. You should have seen her. Christ, she was this glorious mess of limbs and hate and indignation. And hair. Really -- intricate hair. She bashed my bloody skull to a pulp. Where am I going to find another one like her, hmm, William? Just -- tell -- me -- whe-e-ere--"
(OH MY GOD, 'BILLY' IS TOTALLY SHORT FOR 'WILLIAM.' Called it! Not that that makes this any less disturbing for you, of course.)
"Wish I could, mate," Billy Elliot says morosely. "Mine never went quite that far, but oy, did she bash my heart in. My heart's head was a bloody pulp. Always a bloody game of tug of war with that girl: I'll shag you, I hate you, I'll shag you, I hate you, oops!, had a bit of a cuddle and a conversation there, God forbid I be happy with a vampire whose forehead isn't the size of Maine, I'd best dump you now! Enjoy the bloody curb, darling, 'cause here's me kicking you to it." He sighs. "Girl had a kick on her, all right--"
"She liked my silky lovemaking pajamas," sighs Only Hot 'Cause He's British. "D'you know rare that is??"
Billy Elliot snorts. "Gotta say, mate, I can imagine."
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"Y'know what? Sure." Billy Elliot's forehead goes all bumpy and weird. You wonder how much you could make if you leaked this to Us Weekly. He grins. It looks way freaky. "I'm keen for a little twist 'n shout."
"Are you?? You want your groove thing shook, darling?"
Oh, God, they're gay vampires.
They're about to lunge for each other and start, like, dirty vampire dancing or whatevs, when they both fall very abruptly still.
NOW YOU GET TO WATCH HER LEAVE OUT THE WINDOW, GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT WINDOW PANE, Eminem raps.
"Oh, God," says Billy Elliot, his forehead going normal again. "That bit. It gets me every bleeding time!"
"I know," says Brit Hot, retracting his fangs. He claps Billy Elliot solemnly on the shoulder, like he's not even impressed by his (ex) celebrity status or anything. "William, I know. God. I could never fight you. We're two sides of the same coin. Two pieces of the same bloody pie."
"Pie," Billy Elliot moans. "I miss pie."
"Me too, home boy," chokes out Brit Hot. "Me ... too."
And then they fall into each other's arms crying. At least Billy Elliot looks pretty weirded out right away. Not the deal for Brit Hot, though: he just keeps sobbing out things like "PIEEEE!" and "WINDOW PANEEEE" and "TARAAAA" and, for some reason, "SO FAST -- I TYPE SO FAST, MUTHAFUCKA, WHY WASN'T IT ENOUGH--" against Billy Elliot's chest.
"Bloody hell," Billy Elliot mutters, patting him gingerly on the back. "It's like me and Xander had a sodding love child."
Which you guess means he really is gay.
This boyfriend-finding crap is hopeless.
"I couldn't help noticing," comes a silky voice from behind you, "that you look rather troubled."
You turn. And there is a Greek god standing in front of you. He smiles slightly, and the curve of his mouth is more beautiful than all the babies and paintings and rainbows you have EVER SEEN.
"Oh ..." you breathe.
"Forgive me for asking," he says, his voice sweeter than the loveliest of songs, including everything by James Blunt (even 'Goodbye My Lover'), "But -- well. Do I dazzle you?"
You think you might faint.
"PISS OFF, EDCULL," yells Billy Elliot grumpily. "BEFORE I SHOW YOU OUT SPECIAL."
"Um," the Greek god says, and his smile is still exquisite even when it looks kind of super frightened. "Excuse me."
Then he runs away.
"Too right," snorts Billy Elliot.
"How fast I type," sobs Brit Hot, "muthafuckaaaaa ..."
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WITH SILENT LAUGHTER
BECAUSE I AM IN PUBLIC
THIS IS AWFUL (FOR ME)
THIS IS WONDERFUL (OBJECTIVELY)
You want your groove thing shook, darling?
Like actually. There are tears in my eyes. This is the most inopportune reading experience of my life that doesn't have to do with Hyperbole & a Half.
GOD I DO SO LOVE YOUR BRAIN.
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THERE WILL BE NO ARGUEMENT ON THIS.
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BRILLIANT. HILARIOUS. PERFECT CHARACTERIZATION. AMAZING.
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