nice one.

[dollparts____]

I haven't had a real update in a while. The truth is, I just don't want to write. I don't have anything to say because everything I want to say is sad and painful and just too much to put into words again and again. I don't want to pretend like I am happy and nothing is wrong. It is all a lie. I keep thinking that posting something funny will keep everything hidden and no one will know, but that isn't how I am going to work right now. I piss myself off doing that. There is something going on and some know what I am talking about. I really want to keep that some at a low number. I don't like telling people my problems, most people are too busy worrying about their own to care anyway. And frankly, that is how I feel right now. I will listen to you, sure, but a bunch of shit will just be going through my head at the same time and I will be more concentrated on that. I am a good listener, and friend..yes, but right now I don't think I can be. I need friends to be here for me right now. And some of the ones I thought would be more than anyone, aren't at all. That is pretty shitty, but you know I will get over it and never come to you again. So next time you complain that I don't call you, I am going to tell you to shut the fuck up. I am letting this affect my work, and that isn't good. But I have realized that and now I can do something to make it better.

I know what I need to do and I will do it. I keep getting different advice from people, ofcourse. But what it comes down to is what I know I must do. That is the bottom line. I won't turn away from it like I have in the past. I won't deny myself anymore. I am going to be strong and keep going. I won't give up.

I love you too much.