(no subject)
things can be cool when life isn't being totally whack.
went out with bethany and heather yesterday. tons of fun. k-mart, puppies, mall, and drag queens. drove through partying ghosts:) good times.
but then i got home.
and now i'm weird.
was ok til i wanted to go to bed, which was actually a little early. but then the person i live with wanted to be right in the room where something needed to be done, so they told me to do it. what the fuck. like a minute before i was gonna go to sleep. the more i function the less i want to sleep, so that killed it for another half hour. then as i was about to go to bed, they spring more stressful shit on me. there's another hour. i just wanna get up before 2 in the afternoon and not still be exhausted. and i can't do that.
a lot of things bother me lately. i can't seem to have patience when i really should. i get angry about things i shouldn't be angry about. i think it's just the way things are though. like when you don't want to accept something, you get angry.
my dad has something really wrong with his liver. it swells up really bad, and he keeps hinting around that he's going to die. i get angry. and then i feel bad. i don't know what to say. and he's always sleeping, and the sound of constant snoring is really grating my nerves.
what am i gonna do if he dies? i cant seem to get a job. i mean i'm pretty sure i'll have one by the time if that happens, but what if i don't. where am i going to live. and how am i going to pay for things? i'm the only one to do it. he has no money and no life insurance. and most of the family is really far away and has no money either. i do have a few wealthy uncles. but will they pay for it? i don't know. i shouldn't be stressing this but i can't help it.
it's inevitable that when he goes, i'm going to be the one that finds him, and i don't know if i'm going to be ok with that. i can feel it through my being that i'm not going be able to handle it. sure, i want to work with the dead, but i don't want to find them myself. nevermind my family. i kind of want to not be living here when it happens, because i'm sure the rent will go back up to normal and i'll have to pay it all and not be able to save for a different place and be stuck living in the apartment that my father died in. i'll have an actual room, but it'll be the room my father died in. i can't deal with that. i need to move before it happens. things aren't going to be ok. or they might.
to quote stephen king "sometimes dead is better." but i'm not thinking that way. the man has been in pain for years, telling me since i was about 7 that he's only gonna be around for another 5-10, if he doesn't kill himself first. convincing 7 year old me to be ok with him if he takes himself out. how do you deal with that? and how do you deal with that when your 21 and it just sounds really sick, and your mad at him for warping your mind at a young age. not just that but a lot of things. my parents combined set me up for a lifetime of shitheadedness, and confusion on how to be a functional normal person. i'm not good at that at all. i'm a product of my environment and i hate it.
but i hate this more. i don't know what to do about him. should i let him just lay there and die? should i let him just sleep the last of his life away? it's not my choice i know. but how does he expect me to deal with this? he's not right in the head as it is. he like thrives on his physical ailments. he glorifies them. it's so weird. i dont' know the end here.
and i've been having weird dreams. i dreamed about desmond last night. (desmond is a work of art, a photomosaic that hangs on my wall.) sometimes he comes to me in dreams and wants to save me. and then he becomes a figment of my imagination. he's never mosaic form when i dream about him though, he's always beautiful! but he never comes through. he always goes poof.
and i dreamed about school. art class and whatsuch. and i quit because i wanted to create a fabulous work of art with nailpolish and she wouldn't let me. (back in granby). smoking in the bathroom, with a teacher, hehe. smoking like 2 at a time. damn. crazy dreams. they happen a lot. sometimes i'd rather not wake up. i'm sad when i wake up, and lonely. and my shitty life is still there. and it's just going to get worse, it always does. ughh..
supposedly movie gallery is going to be reviewing my application today. maybe they'll call me. i really hope they do. i guess it doesn't help that i'm online. but still. i'll be calling both them, and friendlies on monday. i still don't want to work at friendlies. but i will if i have to. if it's the only place that will have me.
how does everyone else get employed so quick?
and when they say "oh i just hired someone but..." what the hell is getting those people called. isn't any hours any days good enough? grr.
i need to escape. and i don't know if i can. damn.
the end i guess.
went out with bethany and heather yesterday. tons of fun. k-mart, puppies, mall, and drag queens. drove through partying ghosts:) good times.
but then i got home.
and now i'm weird.
was ok til i wanted to go to bed, which was actually a little early. but then the person i live with wanted to be right in the room where something needed to be done, so they told me to do it. what the fuck. like a minute before i was gonna go to sleep. the more i function the less i want to sleep, so that killed it for another half hour. then as i was about to go to bed, they spring more stressful shit on me. there's another hour. i just wanna get up before 2 in the afternoon and not still be exhausted. and i can't do that.
a lot of things bother me lately. i can't seem to have patience when i really should. i get angry about things i shouldn't be angry about. i think it's just the way things are though. like when you don't want to accept something, you get angry.
my dad has something really wrong with his liver. it swells up really bad, and he keeps hinting around that he's going to die. i get angry. and then i feel bad. i don't know what to say. and he's always sleeping, and the sound of constant snoring is really grating my nerves.
what am i gonna do if he dies? i cant seem to get a job. i mean i'm pretty sure i'll have one by the time if that happens, but what if i don't. where am i going to live. and how am i going to pay for things? i'm the only one to do it. he has no money and no life insurance. and most of the family is really far away and has no money either. i do have a few wealthy uncles. but will they pay for it? i don't know. i shouldn't be stressing this but i can't help it.
it's inevitable that when he goes, i'm going to be the one that finds him, and i don't know if i'm going to be ok with that. i can feel it through my being that i'm not going be able to handle it. sure, i want to work with the dead, but i don't want to find them myself. nevermind my family. i kind of want to not be living here when it happens, because i'm sure the rent will go back up to normal and i'll have to pay it all and not be able to save for a different place and be stuck living in the apartment that my father died in. i'll have an actual room, but it'll be the room my father died in. i can't deal with that. i need to move before it happens. things aren't going to be ok. or they might.
to quote stephen king "sometimes dead is better." but i'm not thinking that way. the man has been in pain for years, telling me since i was about 7 that he's only gonna be around for another 5-10, if he doesn't kill himself first. convincing 7 year old me to be ok with him if he takes himself out. how do you deal with that? and how do you deal with that when your 21 and it just sounds really sick, and your mad at him for warping your mind at a young age. not just that but a lot of things. my parents combined set me up for a lifetime of shitheadedness, and confusion on how to be a functional normal person. i'm not good at that at all. i'm a product of my environment and i hate it.
but i hate this more. i don't know what to do about him. should i let him just lay there and die? should i let him just sleep the last of his life away? it's not my choice i know. but how does he expect me to deal with this? he's not right in the head as it is. he like thrives on his physical ailments. he glorifies them. it's so weird. i dont' know the end here.
and i've been having weird dreams. i dreamed about desmond last night. (desmond is a work of art, a photomosaic that hangs on my wall.) sometimes he comes to me in dreams and wants to save me. and then he becomes a figment of my imagination. he's never mosaic form when i dream about him though, he's always beautiful! but he never comes through. he always goes poof.
and i dreamed about school. art class and whatsuch. and i quit because i wanted to create a fabulous work of art with nailpolish and she wouldn't let me. (back in granby). smoking in the bathroom, with a teacher, hehe. smoking like 2 at a time. damn. crazy dreams. they happen a lot. sometimes i'd rather not wake up. i'm sad when i wake up, and lonely. and my shitty life is still there. and it's just going to get worse, it always does. ughh..
supposedly movie gallery is going to be reviewing my application today. maybe they'll call me. i really hope they do. i guess it doesn't help that i'm online. but still. i'll be calling both them, and friendlies on monday. i still don't want to work at friendlies. but i will if i have to. if it's the only place that will have me.
how does everyone else get employed so quick?
and when they say "oh i just hired someone but..." what the hell is getting those people called. isn't any hours any days good enough? grr.
i need to escape. and i don't know if i can. damn.
the end i guess.