Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads no where...?

[dollhouselush]

i dropped corey off at the airport this morning and i miss him already. it sucks. (and yes, i dropped him off-- i had to drive home in the rain/snow/wind from an airport {something i've never done} in a city i don't know; my exit for the 5 south was closed so i had to figure it out from some little town; i'm pretty sure i had small hydro-planing problems at least twice; and i just started driving yesterday for the first time in three months {or about three years on american soil}) what's sad, though, is that it's not going to get any easier this year. he'll be back in two weeks -- the 28th! -- and then he'll (hopefully) be home until june or july. he's either gone for the whole month of june for an ftx or for july- beginning or mid september for bnoc. and if he leaves in july, they still might make him go to two weeks of the ftx. and then he deploys for a year in mid september to first week of october. ugh. it's already starting to seem tough. maybe because i'm getting drunk (though i'm feeling nothing -- half a guinness, one small rum&coke, one small pre-made top shelf margarita). maybe because the wind is super scary sounding. maybe because i've got baby fever yet again. and more than likely, maybe because i don't know if this is permanent or temporary. this could be a lifestyle to last until december 2010 or until god knows when. i've seriously considered joining because i don't think it would be half bad and i would have to work out/be in decent shape. and i would only join for a tolerable or cool job and a bonus. but i've heard we'd never see each other. and if he's getting out, why would i go in? i want to finish my degree but have no idea where i'm heading anymore -- or what kind of school i should go to. and now he's talking about going green to gold, taking time off being present in the army to get his degree while in an rotc program and then going back in as a officer. if he does this, he's already alluded to the fact that i may have to be the bread winner, which means i'll need to be working towards a career, not just at a job.

this is probably why i'm having the urge to bake all the time. and drink. and why i'm going to eat parmesan asparagus risotto for dinner. i wish i had another bottle of wine.