I remember
I remember how that felt. That love that brought me to tears when I thought I didn't deserve it. I was in love and Jaron was in love with me. I had to work so, so hard to even allow myself to feel loved. I let go. I stopped being scared. It was all taken away from me when he had a major stroke back in October. His love was ripped away from me without warning. I know I haven't written here in a long time; I thought I had achieved happiness. I've been slowly killing myself since the stroke occurred, despite gaining a great outlook on certain aspects of life and learning from the incident. I have put myself in dangerous situations and had a fucking breakdown today and need to get myself healthy again. I am not upset that I was not afraid to love, but now I realize that I have not been loving myself for too long now. He is with someone else now after saying he didn't want a relationship, but tells me he's open to still being with me one day. I am NOT an option. I CANNOT stop treating myself like a piece of shit. I will not allow men to force things on me or pressure me no matter what they bought me or what they did for me. I am strong and I've been denying myself that, and making myself weaker, and slowly pumping my system full of gross shit that could easily put me in the hospital on any given night. FUCK THIS. I can't do this anymore! I don't know how to stop and it's hurting me, and I know it's hurting those close to me. None of my friends or family deserve to be scared that one day I might not make it through the night. I have been selfish. I have let heartbreak destroy me. My roommate is always concerned about me, and I can't believe I let someone so caring worry about me. Doesn't it ever cross my mind that maybe I should be thankful that there is someone who gives a shit and is willing to tell me that what I'm doing is fucked? How selfish of me! I let my parents worry about me. They do not know the extent of what I've done and who fucking knows where I would be right now if they did. Though I have been an alcoholic for around 6 years now, it's slowly getting worse in the sense that I'm not just drinking at home. I'm going wherever a stranger wants to go. No one knows where I am. Who knows what could happen. I'm putting lord knows what into my system. I can't let the stroke incident bring me down. I tried so hard at times to be positive for Jaron and to be healthy, but whenever I heard that we couldn't be together I just couldn't stay strong for long. Now what I need to do is be positive and healthy for myself, so that I can be positive and healthy for other people. This in turn will benefit many of my friendships, and relationships with the people I live with and my parents. I deserve more. Heartbreak, over. My heart is in tact and all it's been lacking is the love of self.