S/X Fic : The Fire Inside Still Burns
Title :The Fire Inside Still Burns
Pairing : Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso
Disclaimer : Not true
Rating : PG-13
Word Counts : 5700~~
Summary : Of all the words that Steven has ever said to him maybe this one is making his heart wrench the most. He cannot even form sentences to say it back to Steven
Feedbacks : if you don't mind, please? it'll make my day even brighter :)
A/N : thanks so much for my lovely and amazing beta tessalonso she helps me a lot! :D
One of the best days in his life, that’s what Xabi thinks. It is the first time he is in Istanbul, the first time of his career to be in the final stage of the Champions' League. He feels like a bundle of nerves. Xabi can’t stop himself from biting his nails, way too much, and it’s become more constant lately, especially when Rafa talks about tactics, or in any team meeting. Steven notices that.
“Are you really that nervous?” Steven finally asks him after the morning training, two days before the game.
“What?” Xabi looks at him, confused. They keep walking side by side towards the dressing room.
Steven shrugs, “Stop biting your nails.”
Steven says it calmly, not in such a commanding voice though, and Xabi finds it's like when his mother told him to stop wetting his bed, when he was probably 9 years old. Xabi feels embarrassed. Then again he can’t ignore the funny feeling in his stomach.
“Sorry,” Xabi says, biting his lower lip. He doesn’t dare to look at Steven and keeps his eyes on the ground while they’re entering the dressing room.
--
Xabi is like over the moon. He cannot stop himself from smiling, too wide, so it can crack his face into two. But no, he’s not crying, because this moment is more appropriate for smiling, not tears. This moment, however, is worth the best smile and most beautiful laughter he has. This moment, when he, they, Liverpool win the Champions League.
Everybody’s happy. Everybody’s bouncing around. Everybody smiles. And Xabi thinks that he doesn’t care if he dies tomorrow, because he has tasted the glory, he has touched the victory, and he has kissed that trophy this night. He can see Steven is happy too, beyond happy, surely the happiest person at this moment.
Steven pulls Xabi into a tight hug. Too tight for Xabi’s liking. He cannot breathe properly for some reason, but maybe it is because his heart is beating too fast to handle.
“I can’t believe this!” Steven half-yells, as he presses his cheek to Xabi’s. Steven can smell his scent, strong and dazzling, and it combines with the thick air of victory, too good to be true.
“I’m so happy!” Xabi wants to say it a bit louder, because the only sound he can hear is the fireworks' blast, and the fans keep chanting, but he ends up in only a whisper. Steven still hears it clearly.
They put the trophy on the ground while they surround it. Cameras are everywhere and fireworks keep blasting above them. Xabi manages to get near the trophy so he can touch it, then in every single photo they’re taking it will be him and the trophy, inseparable. Steven is beside him. Steven smiles so wide, only looking at the cameras. Xabi smiles too and turns to look at what Steven’s looking at.
Xabi doesn’t know what’s happening, but when his shoulder meets Steven’s, it’s like an electric jolt goes through his body and makes him slightly jerk. He looks up at Steven, and finds a pair of blue eyes look at him too, with the same indescribable look. Within a second Steven leans closer to Xabi, and obviously Xabi is too zoned out to react so he doesn’t move away. When Steven’s lips meet Xabi’s it's like flying to the top of the sky, to the seventh heaven with only stars above them. Xabi closes his eyes. It lasts only a couple of seconds though.
Steven pulls away, Xabi feels like he takes all his life out. They stare at each other. Xabi licks his lips; they taste of Steven. Xabi can see there’s something in those light blue eyes but he doesn’t know what it is, what it's called. Is it lust?
Steven turns his head and smiles at the cameras again, just like nothing ever happened.
--
At his hotel room later, Xabi sits on his edge of bed, feet dangling and he bites his nails. He thinks about that kiss. No, he cannot ignore it. He tries though but he cannot easily forget it. He touches his lips, for maybe hundred times, where Steven's lips touched his. Xabi doesn’t know why he thinks about it a little bit too much. Maybe it is because that kiss shouldn’t have ever happened in the first place, in front of millions of people. They are teammates, and they are both men. What does this mean?
Or maybe Xabi thinks that kiss should have lasted longer. Xabi shakes his head, sweeps away his unbelievable imagination.
Steven is back to their room at around midnight. He notices that Xabi has not slept yet.
“You missed the party lad, Carra and Sami are bloody drunk, those dickheads.” Steven laughs while he walks towards the bathroom.
“I’m a bit dizzy.” Xabi knows Steven doesn’t hear it; he turns the faucet on while the bathroom door is half-closed.
Xabi tries to take a look at Steven, he searches for some answers for the questions he probably never dared to ask. The words are there, down his throat but the silence keeps remaining. Secretly he hopes Steven will understand what he is trying to say, but it doesn’t work that way.
“We should sleep now. Tomorrow will be a brighter day.” Steven slips under his duvet and clicks off the bed side lamp.
So it is only in his head after all, Xabi nearly sobs, ignoring the ache in his heart.
In the middle of the night, Steven watches Xabi sleeping. He doesn’t dare to move, afraid of waking Xabi up. He cannot sleep that night.
--
Steven never felt like this before. It is strange feeling yet beautifully addictive. It is when he pays attention, too much attention, on the way Xabi talks. There’s something in the way his eyes twinkle while his hands are flying everywhere every time he talks and Steven finds it somehow adorable. He even notices that when Xabi laughs the corner of his mouth twitches in some funny way. Steven takes so much energy of him to do that.
They are at Carra’s house. That is this party, a private small party for the team, celebrating the end of season, sort of. Crouch takes a huge sip from his wine and gulps it once, he is perfectly drunk already. Mascherano has a chat with Daniel about the plan of buying new car and Daniel, of course, gladly gives him tips and tricks he’s expert of, since forever. Xabi laughs at every single words Luis says, it is in Spanish and probably kind of jokes which only Xabi can understand. And Steven is there, next to Xabi, watching every single move. His glass is barely empty. Steven wants to be sober.
When everybody is not looking and Xabi is recovered from his unstoppable laughter, Steven pushes Xabi’s hair back. Xabi nearly beams.
--
Everything in Spain is different from England. The weather, the people, even the air. And there is no Steven in Spain. Xabi can’t stop thinking about Steven.
This is extremely dangerous and sinful. Xabi and Steven are friends, close friends, and they’re closer than ever. It scares Xabi, yet gives him tickling funny sensations in his stomach. No, he doesn’t like Steven that way. He has a girlfriend and he loves her. Steven is just teammate. And he has a wife, also two kids.
The other night, his parents have slept and Xabi is still awake. His window’s room is wide open, the cold night air slightly splashes his face. He breathes in and out. The sky is beautifully clear, stars are scattered randomly on it. Xabi hesitates at first, he suppresses his urge, he does try. Finally he sighs and feels defeated, he grabs his phone, composes a short message. He tries I am bored then deletes it, changes it to I miss rain then he settles on I miss you, instead.
The seconds after that message has been sent, Xabi wants to cry. He feels stupid and regrets what he has done. He clicks randomly on his cell phone, trying to find how to cancel sending the message which blatantly has been sent. He buries his face on his desk and curses. Steven must be thinking that he is such a weirdo or drunk. Xabi shrugs and throws his phone away on the desk. He is off to hit his bed, and might be crying on his sleep.
The morning after, he checks the phone: one new text message. It says I miss you too.
--
The second kiss is better, way better than the first one. It is not just a simple, small, quick kiss but it’s deeper, longer, and full of desperation. Steven pushes his tongue inside Xabi’s mouth, explores it until he finds Xabi’s tongue and then letting them dance together. Xabi wants to die. He grabs Steven’s hair and pulls him closer instantly pushes Steven’s tongue deeper inside his throat. Xabi tilts his head to the left side so Steven manages to get a better position. When they pull apart to catch a breath, Xabi locks his eyes with Steven’s: he can see the lust, same like in Istanbul, but this time it is more than that, there’s something strong yet at the same time, fragile emotions. Xabi only stares with a look of devotion.
Steven pushes Xabi so his back collides with the metal locker a bit too hard. Xabi doesn’t complain; he likes it. Steven kisses his neck while Xabi lets loose an unmistakable moan. Steven chuckles and it gives a shiver down his spine.
“That’s beautiful,” he says with his husky voice, and Steven is now kissing his earlobe.
Xabi answers it with another series of moans. He possibly forgets how to talk because his brain doesn’t work properly right now. He is too fucking preoccupied.
Hands start to grab Xabi’s shirt. Steven fumbles to undo the buttons. He’s shaking, nervous. Xabi helps him, he takes one button out. Steven places their foreheads together. He just stops, placing both hands on Xabi’s chest.
“No, I am not ready, neither are you.” Steven pushes himself away from Xabi. He adjusts Xabi’s shirt and tries to put straight all the creases he made on that shirt.
“Let’s go home,” he says, and Steven gives him one sweet chaste kiss. Xabi nearly cries out of happiness.
--
It is unacceptable, all of it. There is a time when they sneak around after training, try to lock themselves in one of the janitor's room, just to get a quickie kiss and an intimate touch. They sometimes leave the dressing room late after everyone’s already gone so they can hold hands while walking to the parking lot. Or there's some series of lame dirty jokes and intentional hugs on the training ground.
The worst part is that Steven and Xabi perfectly know all of it is wrong; still they do it shamelessly over and over again.
They are in Steven’s car. Xabi brought his car to certain workshop yesterday as something is wrong with the brakes. Steven insists to pick him up to training and drive him home. The radio plays some silly love songs, Xabi hums a little, hands tapping on his lap, gone with the rhythm. Steven smiles; the day has been brighter so far.
“I want a cheeseburger.” Xabi says it like a 7 year old boy asking for an ice cream from his mum.
Steven looks at him and snorts, “Really?”
“What?” Xabi feels a bit offended.
“I don’t know what Rafa will do if he knows that you’re craving for burger, cheeseburger.” Xabi can see Steven laughs a bit too hard and he even taps the steering wheel animatedly.
“He doesn’t need to know.”
“Of course he needs to.”
“You’re such an ass, Steven.” Xabi grits his teeth and crosses his hands on his chest.
“I know. Still I will not shut my mouth. That food is not healthy, at all.”
“But I want it! And you’ll see I’ll shut your mouth.”
Steven turns his head back to Xabi. “How?”
Xabi looks at him, smirks a little. He winks while Steven groans and feels a tickling sensation in his stomach, then his jeans suddenly feel to tight. Steven’s cheeks are crimson red.
“You’re cute.”
Xabi chuckles, and his head slightly bumps the passenger’s side window. The fine lines in the corner of his eyes look more visible.
“Just shut up and drive.”
--
Of all the people out there, it is Carra, of course it is, because he’s Steven’s best friend so that is what is Xabi’s conclusion. Carra ties his laces while Xabi puts the training jersey back into his bag. They’re alone in the dressing room. Steven has left, he needs to get home early because Lily is sick and Xabi feels sorry for him.
Carra gets up from the bench and walks towards the door. When he grabs the door knob he turns back to face Xabi who already slings his bag on his right shoulder.
“I can’t believe what you two are doing, ” he sighs.
Xabi only stares at him. He doesn’t understand what Carra is saying. But then again, reality snaps back.
“You do know what the risk and consequences are, don’t you?”
If Xabi could choose, he wanted the ground to swallow him right now and then. Carra doesn’t look angry or disgusted, he just looks concerned and he’s not smiling and that makes him look little bit older. Xabi stands there, and doesn’t know what to say back. He's dumbstruck.
“I mean, this is just not about you and Stevie, there’s some certain people in between: Alex, Nagore, even the kids. This is not some kind of child’s play, Xabs.”
“I just don’t understand. You’re the most sensible person I’ve ever known. I never thought it had gone this far.”
Carra cannot hide his disappointment. He is not being cruel. He is just being a brother, but more like a father who tells his son how to choose between right and wrong. Xabi’s heart is aching.
“You two have to sort it out on your own. I’m surely incapable of doing it. I’m not mad at you or Stevie, you’re my friends. I just, I’m trying to tell you how I feel, and I cannot stand by you for any reason. It will against my principles.”
“I love him. I’m sorry,” Xabi finally speaks. His voice sounds shaky. He suppresses the urge to cry in front of his vice captain.
“Damn. He’s so madly in love with you and now I can see it myself that you just feel the same way. You guys are crazy.” Carra smiles a little. Xabi’s heart flutters, once again.
--
Xabi wants to die. Every touch and move is Steven doing to him is so intimate and he feels like exploding every time Steven hits that spot. He clenches the sheet underneath him. He tilts his head, half facing the pillow so Steven can kiss his neck. Slowly but surely Steven keeps pushing in and pulling out, his hands roaming over Xabi’s bare chest. The only thing Xabi can do is whisper Steven’s name.
Steven comes inside him. Xabi comes seconds later.
It is endearing, Steven thinks. He watches Xabi lay there beside him, eyes closed and he can see his unsteady breath while his chest rises and falls. If Steven could choose, he would want to curl in this bed beside Xabi every night and day, forever. He wanted to wake up in every morning and find Xabi’s face pressed to his chest. He wanted to sleep under the duvet same as Xabi in every night of his life.
He keeps wishing.
Maybe it will sound so sappy but if he didn’t say it right now he was afraid that he wouldn’t get any chance in the near future. He takes Xabi’s hand and entangles it with his own. He places it to his heart so Xabi can feel his heart beats for him.
“I can’t live without you.”
Xabi stares at him. His eyes meet those crystal blue eyes. Of all the words that Steven has ever said to him maybe this one is making his heart wrench the most. He cannot even form sentences to say it back to Steven. He can’t find the right words.
He kisses Steven wholeheartedly like there’s no other day tomorrow; that’s the answer.
--
Xabi loves books and Steven knows it. He let Xabi rest his head on his lap while he’s reading some fiction novel which is probably about an extra terrestrial that Steven isn’t interested in, sort of. Steven is not a fan of reading; the number of books he actually reads maybe he could count with the fingers of his hands. Still, he doesn’t mind to buy some books for Xabi, or sit there accompanying him read those books all day.
Alex takes the girls to her sister and they will stay there for couple of days . Alex insists to help her sister doing some errands for her new house.
It is ridiculously cute, Xabi thinks, how he seems to enjoy anything, everything around Steven, how he feels familiar in Steven’s house, like he knows which cup Steven uses every morning for breakfast, he knows where the Gerrard family keep the sugar, and just like he knows what time Alex will not be at home so he can sneak around with Steven. There is a time when Xabi will think about all this and suddenly feels his head throbbing because he knows all of this will bring apocalypse into Steven’s marriage and he’s utterly responsible for what he’s done. Still, half part of him, mostly part of him won’t let Steven go, he doesn’t want to lose Steven so he takes the risk. He cannot stop himself.
Xabi pulls himself into Steven’s lap; he sits for awhile and puts his shoes on.
“I gotta go now. Nagore will be home.”
“What time is it?,” Steven asks wryly
“It’s almost 3 pm.” Xabi turns to look at Steven
“You should take a nap.” He ruffles Steven’s hair, kisses his forehead, smiles before he gets up from the couch.
Steven grabs Xabi’s hand making Xabi slightly look back at him. He crinkles his nose while Steven’s eyes are looking straight at him. Xabi opens his mouth but shuts it up again seconds later because he finds Steven so serious, with his face stern and his premature wrinkles making him look a bit older.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
Steven’s voice sounds uneasy and frail.
Misty eyed, Xabi wraps his arms around Steven’s neck. He inhales his scent and suddenly he feels so afraid, even though he doesn’t know why. Steven tightens his arms around Xabi’s waist.
“I will never ever leave you,” Xabi whispers.
--
Women are the most sensible creature, like for example, a mother: she will know everything that her children had never said only by looking deep into their eyes. She will know how hard you tried to hide it, she will know eventually. Probably that’s what happens between Xabi and Nagore.
Xabi finds Nagore a little bit stepping away.
He doesn’t know what he’s done, what kind of mistake or trouble that makes Nagore ignore him. He’s sure he has put all the things right in their places. He kisses her every time he wakes up in the morning, every night before they sleep, every day. He eats everything Nagore cooks for him. He even wraps her in his arms and holds her tight when they watch sad crazy movies in their living room. He says I love you every time they end a phone call. All those things seem don’t mean a thing anymore. Xabi can see it in her eyes. There’s no spark like it used to be.
Nagore changes.
Xabi doesn’t know what is wrong. Or maybe he just shuts his heart and head so he cannot find what the actual problem is.
“What happened?” Xabi asks his companion once on sunny afternoon. They had already finished their lunch.
“What do you mean?” Nagore asks back. She takes the empty plates and glasses then puts them on the sink. She rolls up her long sleeves so it will be easier when she cleans the dishes.
“You've changed.” Xabi leans back in his wooden chair. His eyes lock with her back.
“I don’t understand.” Nagore doesn’t even look back. He notices she grabs the plates too tight. He wonders if it’s gonna break because of the cold of her hands.
Xabi taps his fingers on the table and he fights the urge to bite his own nails. He’s not sure where he gets the courage from, to start this conversation in the first place. He never wins, he always loses in every battle they have been through.
“You don’t love me anymore.” Xabi regrets it seconds after he said that. He doesn’t mean it that way. He wants to ask if she’s still in love with him or not, but he ends up with his own conclusion.
Nagore looks stern. Xabi can tell by the way she grabs the sink and tries to inhale some air she can save for her life. Xabi’s frozen when Nagore turns around and he can see the tears run down her beautiful cheeks freely. She doesn’t try to sweep it away. She just stands there looking at him with her big glassy eyes. Heart wrenching.
“How could you say that?” Her voice sounds shaky and she looks so vulnerable.
“I love you so I will do anything for you.”
“But it doesn’t mean a thing to you anymore.”
Sharp like a knife. Xabi cannot make any voice. He’s just too stunned by his beautiful partner’s statement. He never saw Nagore cry, not in devastating way. Her olive skin looks somehow paler even though the sunlight through the window touches her gently.
“What do you mean?” Xabi's voice is husky.
Nagore sniffles one more time. Her cheeks are wet from the tears and her eyes blood shot. She stands still against the sink.
“I’m not stupid, Xabi.”
“Just end whatever you’re doing with whoever it is, or I’ll come back to Spain, without you.”
Stab to the heart, precisely. Then it feels like his heart is crushed and wrenched, like it could explode any time soon. That is what Xabi feels. He just sits there and watches Nagore swiftly walk away from the kitchen. Xabi only can stare. There's a lump inside his throat, and for so many reasons he cannot swallow. It too hard to breathe.
--
“You’re kidding me right?” Steven laughs, a bit uneasy, but he laughs.
Xabi keeps his eyes on the floor. He already realized that his shoes, his sneakers, look dirty, the white part covered with some dirt, too dirty for Xabi’s liking. How come he didn't realize this before?
“Xabi.” Steven kind of loses his patience when he knows Xabi doesn’t even look at him.
“It’s so clear, everything I said to you.” Xabi sounds tired, hurt, or maybe broken.
Steven crosses the room and walks towards Xabi. He stands in front of where Xabi sits. He wants to kneel down in front of him, begs him, but he instead he stands there. He’s too proud to do such a thing. Only silence remains. Steven holds his breath for another ten or fifteen seconds.
“Why is it so hard for you?” Xabi asks, turning his blurry eyes on to Steven.
“Why is it so easy for you?” Steven snaps back, a little bit yelling, sort of.
“All of this…” Xabi gestures his hands, waves a space between him and Steven.
“It’s just, odd, and ridiculous, and I don’t feel like doing it anymore.”
Steven wants to scream. He wants to kick the couch in front of him. He wants to punch the wall. He wants to be angry. But he only feels his eyes start sting.
“I thought what we had was special.”
For couple of seconds, Xabi’s heart skips a beat. It’s aching. He places one of his hands on his chest where he exactly knows his heart lies. He wants to say, yes it was special, it was amazing, it was beautiful, because it’s you.
“It was fun,” Xabi says, tasting the bitter lie that comes so easily from his mouth.
Steven clenches his jaw.
I love you, asshole. I fucking love you, Steven thinks.
He chuckles, feeling how sadly ironic it is to fall in love with your team mate who never loves you back. Steven feels his chest tighten; he wants to cry. So hard he tries to supress the feeling inside, it’s getting more hurtful instead. He walks away, leaving Xabi behind.
Next day, Xabi asks for transfer request.
--
People who only know Xabi as footballer, or only know Xabi from the interviews on the television, they only know Xabi, the outside of Xabi; they never know what Xabi feels inside.
They will never know.
“How could you do that?” Pepe asks him, his eyes showing some anger, feeling betrayed, maybe.
Xabi packs up his training kit, tries as fast as possible to get out of the dressing room. The air feels too thick. He needs to get out.
“Xabi!” Pepe shouts and everybody’s turning their attention to Pepe, who puts his hands on his hips offensively. He glares to Xabi.
Xabi turns to him, and sighs, then looks away. He doesn’t want to have this conversation, not right now, not when almost all the lads are watching. But deep down, he owes them an apology.
“Something like this happens.”
“Bullshit!” Pepe spits. Even Carra grabs his arm to steady him, comfort him.
“I can’t believe you did this to us. I can’t believe you'd leave us!” Pepe swats Carra’s hand and doesn’t bother to look at Xabi when he walks out the door.
Once again, Xabi’s heart is broken.
All he wants to say is I don’t want this, I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to leave Liverpool, I bleed red.
Then he notices that Steven watches him from across the room. Xabi feels the pang of guilt.
I don’t want to leave Steven.
--
Steven remembered, when he was 15, he'd just come back from summer camp. He was super exhausted but happy after spending almost a month with his school friends in some woods which Steven couldn’t remember its name. His father drove him back, not back to home, surprisingly he drove Steven to the hospital. Confused, Steven tried to ask his father why, but he just nodded and gave Steven a tight smile.
It was his grandfather. He was in coma. Dying.
Steven remembered his grandfather always taking Steven to this place. It was this lake, not too far from home. It was so quiet. And there is this house, an old house. Steven has been told that it used to be a farmer’s house. His grandfather knew him. That farmer lived alone, no wife no child, only him. He got old alone then he died, alone.
“Why did he live alone?”
“How could he live alone?”
“Is that really scary? To be alone?”
His grandfather laughed. He ruffled Steven’s hair. He looked into Steven’s eyes which were full of curiosity.
“Nobody wants to live alone, Steven.”
“Fate chooses them to be alone.”
Six days later, his grandfather died. Steven was broken.
In these very days, Steven never feels so broken since the day his grandfather died, not until now, not until Xabi has gone.
He has gone.
“How are you feeling?” Carra slumps down next to him. They are sitting on the grass. Steven keeps his eyes on the back of the net.
There have been rough days lately. Steven spends much time after training, just to sit or sometimes lay on the grass, just to feel how quiet and empty Anfield could be. This becomes a habit, kind of.
I’m broken, I’m dying, is all Steven wants to answer.
He says, “Devastated.”
Carra turns to look at him and sighs. He gives Steven a pat on the shoulder and squeezes it gently because he doesn’t know what else he can do.
He accompanies Steven until the skies are dark.
--
This is not as bad as he thinks. Xabi always convinces himself that a decision had to be made, and this is how life goes. People change, people go, people move on. Xabi is moving on.
Xabi gets married. With two children. His little family is perfect. He plays for (some people say) one of the greatest football clubs in the world. This is moving on, Xabi believes.
But the mind can trick you, unlike the heart.
He loves Spain. It’s home, like it always will be. Nagore loves Spain. She loves Jon and Ane, and Xabi. Xabi loves his children, and respects his wife. He loves Steven.
There are days when Xabi feels so comfortable with his life. Loads of friends. Alvaro and Raul, practically, are being constant in his life, with their lame jokes, and of course they don’t admit it, they believe they’re just the best jokers and the very best friends, for Xabi, only Xabi. And there is Sergio, with his million watts smile, with his silly goofy grin, and his untouchable hair. Sergio somehow becomes so close to him. He doesn’t know why but maybe because Sergio loves Fernando, just like Xabi loves Steven. Or maybe just because Sergio feels he was left behind like Xabi left Steven. It was coincident, Xabi believes that.
There are days when Xabi feels everything is on his shoulders. Real Madrid is trying so hard to keep the pace with Barcelona. The media seems so offensive and gives all the shit in front of their faces. It is only mid season for fuck's sake. He sometimes fakes the smile while he's in interviews. Maybe some certain people could see it. Maybe Steven could see it, that he’s not fine. As if Steven ever watched him playing.
There are days when Xabi feels he can’t live without Steven. He can’t breathe easily without Steven. He can’t smile without Steven.
He.just.can’t.without.Steven.
There is one day when Xabi lays in his bed and stares at the ceiling. Alone. He argues with himself, whether to call Steven or not. Steven doesn’t call. The truth is Steven never calls. Xabi hesitates at first. What will he say to him? Talk about the weather? Family? Liverpool?. Xabi isn’t sure if Steven will answer his call. He believes Steven has moved on. He thinks Steven is happy. Steven doesn’t need him, anymore.
Xabi puts his phone back down.
He never calls Steven, either.
Once again, he lets his heart get broken into pieces.
--
Steven runs extra laps. Alone. He doesn’t feel like giving the other lads extra laps too today. Carra watches him from afar. Steven loves running. He loves running especially on training day, especially at Melwood, especially with Xabi.
Steven runs, runs, and runs. He won’t look back. He never ever looks back. Except, he always did. He’s still living in the past. He (still) loves Xabi.
Carra waves at others who jog back to the dressing room. He sighs and walks towards Steven.
“Come on lad, let’s take a break.”
Steven eyes him a second then continues his running. He runs around the pitch for like the sixth time. Carra waits for him on the side line.
Covered with sweat, Steven inhales and exhales roughly. It feels like he cannot breathe properly. His lungs are aching. His stomach hurts. His heart, broken. He convinces himself that spending more time at Anfield will make his hurt feeling subside and somehow will help him to forget about that certain person in Spain. But then again, some people say when you’re trying too hard to forget something then it gets harder to let go of it.
Steven cannot forget Xabi.
So Carra just nudges him slightly, points towards the tunnel, and gives Steven a little soft smile.
--
There are times when Steven drives his car so fast and forgets about the world.
There are times when Steven goes to that lake his grandfather used to take him to.
There are times when Steven just sits in his car and puts his head on steering wheel for mostly hours.
There are times when Steven cries his heart out.
--
It is probably not the best idea, Xabi thinks twice. But how can he say no to Liverpool. No he just cannot. Xabi is being interviewed by LFC tv.
Xabi knows what kind of questions they will ask.
So when they ask what exactly the reason he left are, he just smiles and says, “That was a tough decision I had to make. I was in difficult situation, no ones to blame,” and blah blah blah.
And when they ask if he wants to come back to Liverpool.
Ah, this question.
He wants to snap Of course I want, what the hell you were thinking? Liverpool is my home.
He settles on something smoother and unsuspicious and normal, Why not? Anything is possible in football.
--
Sunday, and it’s 3 in the morning. Steven calls Xabi.
“Steven?”
“Is this some kind of joke?”
Steven’s voice sounds hoarse. It sounds beautifully painful for Xabi. It’s been years and he hasn't heard that voice. It’s been years now and Steven never called. Xabi nearly sobs.
“What?”
“You’re coming back.”
That’s not a question.
Xabi swallows hard.
“I’m waiting.”
Steven hangs up. Xabi wants to die.
--
Three years later.
Xabi is 33. He wants nothing, because he simply has everything. But when a club, the certain club, Liverpool, bid for him, he says yes, nothing more and nothing less.
So here he is now, at Anfield, at home.
He can smell the grass, like he used to.
He can breathe the air, like he used to.
He can hear the loud voice of the Kop, like he used to.
He can feel Steven touch against his arm, like he used to.
He is at home.
He can see the smile, proud smile, plastered on Steven’s face.
He can see the same passion in Steven’s eyes.
And he can feel the same feeling, love, when Steven looks back at him.
He is at home.
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Pairing : Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso
Disclaimer : Not true
Rating : PG-13
Word Counts : 5700~~
Summary : Of all the words that Steven has ever said to him maybe this one is making his heart wrench the most. He cannot even form sentences to say it back to Steven
Feedbacks : if you don't mind, please? it'll make my day even brighter :)
A/N : thanks so much for my lovely and amazing beta tessalonso she helps me a lot! :D
One of the best days in his life, that’s what Xabi thinks. It is the first time he is in Istanbul, the first time of his career to be in the final stage of the Champions' League. He feels like a bundle of nerves. Xabi can’t stop himself from biting his nails, way too much, and it’s become more constant lately, especially when Rafa talks about tactics, or in any team meeting. Steven notices that.
“Are you really that nervous?” Steven finally asks him after the morning training, two days before the game.
“What?” Xabi looks at him, confused. They keep walking side by side towards the dressing room.
Steven shrugs, “Stop biting your nails.”
Steven says it calmly, not in such a commanding voice though, and Xabi finds it's like when his mother told him to stop wetting his bed, when he was probably 9 years old. Xabi feels embarrassed. Then again he can’t ignore the funny feeling in his stomach.
“Sorry,” Xabi says, biting his lower lip. He doesn’t dare to look at Steven and keeps his eyes on the ground while they’re entering the dressing room.
--
Xabi is like over the moon. He cannot stop himself from smiling, too wide, so it can crack his face into two. But no, he’s not crying, because this moment is more appropriate for smiling, not tears. This moment, however, is worth the best smile and most beautiful laughter he has. This moment, when he, they, Liverpool win the Champions League.
Everybody’s happy. Everybody’s bouncing around. Everybody smiles. And Xabi thinks that he doesn’t care if he dies tomorrow, because he has tasted the glory, he has touched the victory, and he has kissed that trophy this night. He can see Steven is happy too, beyond happy, surely the happiest person at this moment.
Steven pulls Xabi into a tight hug. Too tight for Xabi’s liking. He cannot breathe properly for some reason, but maybe it is because his heart is beating too fast to handle.
“I can’t believe this!” Steven half-yells, as he presses his cheek to Xabi’s. Steven can smell his scent, strong and dazzling, and it combines with the thick air of victory, too good to be true.
“I’m so happy!” Xabi wants to say it a bit louder, because the only sound he can hear is the fireworks' blast, and the fans keep chanting, but he ends up in only a whisper. Steven still hears it clearly.
They put the trophy on the ground while they surround it. Cameras are everywhere and fireworks keep blasting above them. Xabi manages to get near the trophy so he can touch it, then in every single photo they’re taking it will be him and the trophy, inseparable. Steven is beside him. Steven smiles so wide, only looking at the cameras. Xabi smiles too and turns to look at what Steven’s looking at.
Xabi doesn’t know what’s happening, but when his shoulder meets Steven’s, it’s like an electric jolt goes through his body and makes him slightly jerk. He looks up at Steven, and finds a pair of blue eyes look at him too, with the same indescribable look. Within a second Steven leans closer to Xabi, and obviously Xabi is too zoned out to react so he doesn’t move away. When Steven’s lips meet Xabi’s it's like flying to the top of the sky, to the seventh heaven with only stars above them. Xabi closes his eyes. It lasts only a couple of seconds though.
Steven pulls away, Xabi feels like he takes all his life out. They stare at each other. Xabi licks his lips; they taste of Steven. Xabi can see there’s something in those light blue eyes but he doesn’t know what it is, what it's called. Is it lust?
Steven turns his head and smiles at the cameras again, just like nothing ever happened.
--
At his hotel room later, Xabi sits on his edge of bed, feet dangling and he bites his nails. He thinks about that kiss. No, he cannot ignore it. He tries though but he cannot easily forget it. He touches his lips, for maybe hundred times, where Steven's lips touched his. Xabi doesn’t know why he thinks about it a little bit too much. Maybe it is because that kiss shouldn’t have ever happened in the first place, in front of millions of people. They are teammates, and they are both men. What does this mean?
Or maybe Xabi thinks that kiss should have lasted longer. Xabi shakes his head, sweeps away his unbelievable imagination.
Steven is back to their room at around midnight. He notices that Xabi has not slept yet.
“You missed the party lad, Carra and Sami are bloody drunk, those dickheads.” Steven laughs while he walks towards the bathroom.
“I’m a bit dizzy.” Xabi knows Steven doesn’t hear it; he turns the faucet on while the bathroom door is half-closed.
Xabi tries to take a look at Steven, he searches for some answers for the questions he probably never dared to ask. The words are there, down his throat but the silence keeps remaining. Secretly he hopes Steven will understand what he is trying to say, but it doesn’t work that way.
“We should sleep now. Tomorrow will be a brighter day.” Steven slips under his duvet and clicks off the bed side lamp.
So it is only in his head after all, Xabi nearly sobs, ignoring the ache in his heart.
In the middle of the night, Steven watches Xabi sleeping. He doesn’t dare to move, afraid of waking Xabi up. He cannot sleep that night.
--
Steven never felt like this before. It is strange feeling yet beautifully addictive. It is when he pays attention, too much attention, on the way Xabi talks. There’s something in the way his eyes twinkle while his hands are flying everywhere every time he talks and Steven finds it somehow adorable. He even notices that when Xabi laughs the corner of his mouth twitches in some funny way. Steven takes so much energy of him to do that.
They are at Carra’s house. That is this party, a private small party for the team, celebrating the end of season, sort of. Crouch takes a huge sip from his wine and gulps it once, he is perfectly drunk already. Mascherano has a chat with Daniel about the plan of buying new car and Daniel, of course, gladly gives him tips and tricks he’s expert of, since forever. Xabi laughs at every single words Luis says, it is in Spanish and probably kind of jokes which only Xabi can understand. And Steven is there, next to Xabi, watching every single move. His glass is barely empty. Steven wants to be sober.
When everybody is not looking and Xabi is recovered from his unstoppable laughter, Steven pushes Xabi’s hair back. Xabi nearly beams.
--
Everything in Spain is different from England. The weather, the people, even the air. And there is no Steven in Spain. Xabi can’t stop thinking about Steven.
This is extremely dangerous and sinful. Xabi and Steven are friends, close friends, and they’re closer than ever. It scares Xabi, yet gives him tickling funny sensations in his stomach. No, he doesn’t like Steven that way. He has a girlfriend and he loves her. Steven is just teammate. And he has a wife, also two kids.
The other night, his parents have slept and Xabi is still awake. His window’s room is wide open, the cold night air slightly splashes his face. He breathes in and out. The sky is beautifully clear, stars are scattered randomly on it. Xabi hesitates at first, he suppresses his urge, he does try. Finally he sighs and feels defeated, he grabs his phone, composes a short message. He tries I am bored then deletes it, changes it to I miss rain then he settles on I miss you, instead.
The seconds after that message has been sent, Xabi wants to cry. He feels stupid and regrets what he has done. He clicks randomly on his cell phone, trying to find how to cancel sending the message which blatantly has been sent. He buries his face on his desk and curses. Steven must be thinking that he is such a weirdo or drunk. Xabi shrugs and throws his phone away on the desk. He is off to hit his bed, and might be crying on his sleep.
The morning after, he checks the phone: one new text message. It says I miss you too.
--
The second kiss is better, way better than the first one. It is not just a simple, small, quick kiss but it’s deeper, longer, and full of desperation. Steven pushes his tongue inside Xabi’s mouth, explores it until he finds Xabi’s tongue and then letting them dance together. Xabi wants to die. He grabs Steven’s hair and pulls him closer instantly pushes Steven’s tongue deeper inside his throat. Xabi tilts his head to the left side so Steven manages to get a better position. When they pull apart to catch a breath, Xabi locks his eyes with Steven’s: he can see the lust, same like in Istanbul, but this time it is more than that, there’s something strong yet at the same time, fragile emotions. Xabi only stares with a look of devotion.
Steven pushes Xabi so his back collides with the metal locker a bit too hard. Xabi doesn’t complain; he likes it. Steven kisses his neck while Xabi lets loose an unmistakable moan. Steven chuckles and it gives a shiver down his spine.
“That’s beautiful,” he says with his husky voice, and Steven is now kissing his earlobe.
Xabi answers it with another series of moans. He possibly forgets how to talk because his brain doesn’t work properly right now. He is too fucking preoccupied.
Hands start to grab Xabi’s shirt. Steven fumbles to undo the buttons. He’s shaking, nervous. Xabi helps him, he takes one button out. Steven places their foreheads together. He just stops, placing both hands on Xabi’s chest.
“No, I am not ready, neither are you.” Steven pushes himself away from Xabi. He adjusts Xabi’s shirt and tries to put straight all the creases he made on that shirt.
“Let’s go home,” he says, and Steven gives him one sweet chaste kiss. Xabi nearly cries out of happiness.
--
It is unacceptable, all of it. There is a time when they sneak around after training, try to lock themselves in one of the janitor's room, just to get a quickie kiss and an intimate touch. They sometimes leave the dressing room late after everyone’s already gone so they can hold hands while walking to the parking lot. Or there's some series of lame dirty jokes and intentional hugs on the training ground.
The worst part is that Steven and Xabi perfectly know all of it is wrong; still they do it shamelessly over and over again.
They are in Steven’s car. Xabi brought his car to certain workshop yesterday as something is wrong with the brakes. Steven insists to pick him up to training and drive him home. The radio plays some silly love songs, Xabi hums a little, hands tapping on his lap, gone with the rhythm. Steven smiles; the day has been brighter so far.
“I want a cheeseburger.” Xabi says it like a 7 year old boy asking for an ice cream from his mum.
Steven looks at him and snorts, “Really?”
“What?” Xabi feels a bit offended.
“I don’t know what Rafa will do if he knows that you’re craving for burger, cheeseburger.” Xabi can see Steven laughs a bit too hard and he even taps the steering wheel animatedly.
“He doesn’t need to know.”
“Of course he needs to.”
“You’re such an ass, Steven.” Xabi grits his teeth and crosses his hands on his chest.
“I know. Still I will not shut my mouth. That food is not healthy, at all.”
“But I want it! And you’ll see I’ll shut your mouth.”
Steven turns his head back to Xabi. “How?”
Xabi looks at him, smirks a little. He winks while Steven groans and feels a tickling sensation in his stomach, then his jeans suddenly feel to tight. Steven’s cheeks are crimson red.
“You’re cute.”
Xabi chuckles, and his head slightly bumps the passenger’s side window. The fine lines in the corner of his eyes look more visible.
“Just shut up and drive.”
--
Of all the people out there, it is Carra, of course it is, because he’s Steven’s best friend so that is what is Xabi’s conclusion. Carra ties his laces while Xabi puts the training jersey back into his bag. They’re alone in the dressing room. Steven has left, he needs to get home early because Lily is sick and Xabi feels sorry for him.
Carra gets up from the bench and walks towards the door. When he grabs the door knob he turns back to face Xabi who already slings his bag on his right shoulder.
“I can’t believe what you two are doing, ” he sighs.
Xabi only stares at him. He doesn’t understand what Carra is saying. But then again, reality snaps back.
“You do know what the risk and consequences are, don’t you?”
If Xabi could choose, he wanted the ground to swallow him right now and then. Carra doesn’t look angry or disgusted, he just looks concerned and he’s not smiling and that makes him look little bit older. Xabi stands there, and doesn’t know what to say back. He's dumbstruck.
“I mean, this is just not about you and Stevie, there’s some certain people in between: Alex, Nagore, even the kids. This is not some kind of child’s play, Xabs.”
“I just don’t understand. You’re the most sensible person I’ve ever known. I never thought it had gone this far.”
Carra cannot hide his disappointment. He is not being cruel. He is just being a brother, but more like a father who tells his son how to choose between right and wrong. Xabi’s heart is aching.
“You two have to sort it out on your own. I’m surely incapable of doing it. I’m not mad at you or Stevie, you’re my friends. I just, I’m trying to tell you how I feel, and I cannot stand by you for any reason. It will against my principles.”
“I love him. I’m sorry,” Xabi finally speaks. His voice sounds shaky. He suppresses the urge to cry in front of his vice captain.
“Damn. He’s so madly in love with you and now I can see it myself that you just feel the same way. You guys are crazy.” Carra smiles a little. Xabi’s heart flutters, once again.
--
Xabi wants to die. Every touch and move is Steven doing to him is so intimate and he feels like exploding every time Steven hits that spot. He clenches the sheet underneath him. He tilts his head, half facing the pillow so Steven can kiss his neck. Slowly but surely Steven keeps pushing in and pulling out, his hands roaming over Xabi’s bare chest. The only thing Xabi can do is whisper Steven’s name.
Steven comes inside him. Xabi comes seconds later.
It is endearing, Steven thinks. He watches Xabi lay there beside him, eyes closed and he can see his unsteady breath while his chest rises and falls. If Steven could choose, he would want to curl in this bed beside Xabi every night and day, forever. He wanted to wake up in every morning and find Xabi’s face pressed to his chest. He wanted to sleep under the duvet same as Xabi in every night of his life.
He keeps wishing.
Maybe it will sound so sappy but if he didn’t say it right now he was afraid that he wouldn’t get any chance in the near future. He takes Xabi’s hand and entangles it with his own. He places it to his heart so Xabi can feel his heart beats for him.
“I can’t live without you.”
Xabi stares at him. His eyes meet those crystal blue eyes. Of all the words that Steven has ever said to him maybe this one is making his heart wrench the most. He cannot even form sentences to say it back to Steven. He can’t find the right words.
He kisses Steven wholeheartedly like there’s no other day tomorrow; that’s the answer.
--
Xabi loves books and Steven knows it. He let Xabi rest his head on his lap while he’s reading some fiction novel which is probably about an extra terrestrial that Steven isn’t interested in, sort of. Steven is not a fan of reading; the number of books he actually reads maybe he could count with the fingers of his hands. Still, he doesn’t mind to buy some books for Xabi, or sit there accompanying him read those books all day.
Alex takes the girls to her sister and they will stay there for couple of days . Alex insists to help her sister doing some errands for her new house.
It is ridiculously cute, Xabi thinks, how he seems to enjoy anything, everything around Steven, how he feels familiar in Steven’s house, like he knows which cup Steven uses every morning for breakfast, he knows where the Gerrard family keep the sugar, and just like he knows what time Alex will not be at home so he can sneak around with Steven. There is a time when Xabi will think about all this and suddenly feels his head throbbing because he knows all of this will bring apocalypse into Steven’s marriage and he’s utterly responsible for what he’s done. Still, half part of him, mostly part of him won’t let Steven go, he doesn’t want to lose Steven so he takes the risk. He cannot stop himself.
Xabi pulls himself into Steven’s lap; he sits for awhile and puts his shoes on.
“I gotta go now. Nagore will be home.”
“What time is it?,” Steven asks wryly
“It’s almost 3 pm.” Xabi turns to look at Steven
“You should take a nap.” He ruffles Steven’s hair, kisses his forehead, smiles before he gets up from the couch.
Steven grabs Xabi’s hand making Xabi slightly look back at him. He crinkles his nose while Steven’s eyes are looking straight at him. Xabi opens his mouth but shuts it up again seconds later because he finds Steven so serious, with his face stern and his premature wrinkles making him look a bit older.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
Steven’s voice sounds uneasy and frail.
Misty eyed, Xabi wraps his arms around Steven’s neck. He inhales his scent and suddenly he feels so afraid, even though he doesn’t know why. Steven tightens his arms around Xabi’s waist.
“I will never ever leave you,” Xabi whispers.
--
Women are the most sensible creature, like for example, a mother: she will know everything that her children had never said only by looking deep into their eyes. She will know how hard you tried to hide it, she will know eventually. Probably that’s what happens between Xabi and Nagore.
Xabi finds Nagore a little bit stepping away.
He doesn’t know what he’s done, what kind of mistake or trouble that makes Nagore ignore him. He’s sure he has put all the things right in their places. He kisses her every time he wakes up in the morning, every night before they sleep, every day. He eats everything Nagore cooks for him. He even wraps her in his arms and holds her tight when they watch sad crazy movies in their living room. He says I love you every time they end a phone call. All those things seem don’t mean a thing anymore. Xabi can see it in her eyes. There’s no spark like it used to be.
Nagore changes.
Xabi doesn’t know what is wrong. Or maybe he just shuts his heart and head so he cannot find what the actual problem is.
“What happened?” Xabi asks his companion once on sunny afternoon. They had already finished their lunch.
“What do you mean?” Nagore asks back. She takes the empty plates and glasses then puts them on the sink. She rolls up her long sleeves so it will be easier when she cleans the dishes.
“You've changed.” Xabi leans back in his wooden chair. His eyes lock with her back.
“I don’t understand.” Nagore doesn’t even look back. He notices she grabs the plates too tight. He wonders if it’s gonna break because of the cold of her hands.
Xabi taps his fingers on the table and he fights the urge to bite his own nails. He’s not sure where he gets the courage from, to start this conversation in the first place. He never wins, he always loses in every battle they have been through.
“You don’t love me anymore.” Xabi regrets it seconds after he said that. He doesn’t mean it that way. He wants to ask if she’s still in love with him or not, but he ends up with his own conclusion.
Nagore looks stern. Xabi can tell by the way she grabs the sink and tries to inhale some air she can save for her life. Xabi’s frozen when Nagore turns around and he can see the tears run down her beautiful cheeks freely. She doesn’t try to sweep it away. She just stands there looking at him with her big glassy eyes. Heart wrenching.
“How could you say that?” Her voice sounds shaky and she looks so vulnerable.
“I love you so I will do anything for you.”
“But it doesn’t mean a thing to you anymore.”
Sharp like a knife. Xabi cannot make any voice. He’s just too stunned by his beautiful partner’s statement. He never saw Nagore cry, not in devastating way. Her olive skin looks somehow paler even though the sunlight through the window touches her gently.
“What do you mean?” Xabi's voice is husky.
Nagore sniffles one more time. Her cheeks are wet from the tears and her eyes blood shot. She stands still against the sink.
“I’m not stupid, Xabi.”
“Just end whatever you’re doing with whoever it is, or I’ll come back to Spain, without you.”
Stab to the heart, precisely. Then it feels like his heart is crushed and wrenched, like it could explode any time soon. That is what Xabi feels. He just sits there and watches Nagore swiftly walk away from the kitchen. Xabi only can stare. There's a lump inside his throat, and for so many reasons he cannot swallow. It too hard to breathe.
--
“You’re kidding me right?” Steven laughs, a bit uneasy, but he laughs.
Xabi keeps his eyes on the floor. He already realized that his shoes, his sneakers, look dirty, the white part covered with some dirt, too dirty for Xabi’s liking. How come he didn't realize this before?
“Xabi.” Steven kind of loses his patience when he knows Xabi doesn’t even look at him.
“It’s so clear, everything I said to you.” Xabi sounds tired, hurt, or maybe broken.
Steven crosses the room and walks towards Xabi. He stands in front of where Xabi sits. He wants to kneel down in front of him, begs him, but he instead he stands there. He’s too proud to do such a thing. Only silence remains. Steven holds his breath for another ten or fifteen seconds.
“Why is it so hard for you?” Xabi asks, turning his blurry eyes on to Steven.
“Why is it so easy for you?” Steven snaps back, a little bit yelling, sort of.
“All of this…” Xabi gestures his hands, waves a space between him and Steven.
“It’s just, odd, and ridiculous, and I don’t feel like doing it anymore.”
Steven wants to scream. He wants to kick the couch in front of him. He wants to punch the wall. He wants to be angry. But he only feels his eyes start sting.
“I thought what we had was special.”
For couple of seconds, Xabi’s heart skips a beat. It’s aching. He places one of his hands on his chest where he exactly knows his heart lies. He wants to say, yes it was special, it was amazing, it was beautiful, because it’s you.
“It was fun,” Xabi says, tasting the bitter lie that comes so easily from his mouth.
Steven clenches his jaw.
I love you, asshole. I fucking love you, Steven thinks.
He chuckles, feeling how sadly ironic it is to fall in love with your team mate who never loves you back. Steven feels his chest tighten; he wants to cry. So hard he tries to supress the feeling inside, it’s getting more hurtful instead. He walks away, leaving Xabi behind.
Next day, Xabi asks for transfer request.
--
People who only know Xabi as footballer, or only know Xabi from the interviews on the television, they only know Xabi, the outside of Xabi; they never know what Xabi feels inside.
They will never know.
“How could you do that?” Pepe asks him, his eyes showing some anger, feeling betrayed, maybe.
Xabi packs up his training kit, tries as fast as possible to get out of the dressing room. The air feels too thick. He needs to get out.
“Xabi!” Pepe shouts and everybody’s turning their attention to Pepe, who puts his hands on his hips offensively. He glares to Xabi.
Xabi turns to him, and sighs, then looks away. He doesn’t want to have this conversation, not right now, not when almost all the lads are watching. But deep down, he owes them an apology.
“Something like this happens.”
“Bullshit!” Pepe spits. Even Carra grabs his arm to steady him, comfort him.
“I can’t believe you did this to us. I can’t believe you'd leave us!” Pepe swats Carra’s hand and doesn’t bother to look at Xabi when he walks out the door.
Once again, Xabi’s heart is broken.
All he wants to say is I don’t want this, I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to leave Liverpool, I bleed red.
Then he notices that Steven watches him from across the room. Xabi feels the pang of guilt.
I don’t want to leave Steven.
--
Steven remembered, when he was 15, he'd just come back from summer camp. He was super exhausted but happy after spending almost a month with his school friends in some woods which Steven couldn’t remember its name. His father drove him back, not back to home, surprisingly he drove Steven to the hospital. Confused, Steven tried to ask his father why, but he just nodded and gave Steven a tight smile.
It was his grandfather. He was in coma. Dying.
Steven remembered his grandfather always taking Steven to this place. It was this lake, not too far from home. It was so quiet. And there is this house, an old house. Steven has been told that it used to be a farmer’s house. His grandfather knew him. That farmer lived alone, no wife no child, only him. He got old alone then he died, alone.
“Why did he live alone?”
“How could he live alone?”
“Is that really scary? To be alone?”
His grandfather laughed. He ruffled Steven’s hair. He looked into Steven’s eyes which were full of curiosity.
“Nobody wants to live alone, Steven.”
“Fate chooses them to be alone.”
Six days later, his grandfather died. Steven was broken.
In these very days, Steven never feels so broken since the day his grandfather died, not until now, not until Xabi has gone.
He has gone.
“How are you feeling?” Carra slumps down next to him. They are sitting on the grass. Steven keeps his eyes on the back of the net.
There have been rough days lately. Steven spends much time after training, just to sit or sometimes lay on the grass, just to feel how quiet and empty Anfield could be. This becomes a habit, kind of.
I’m broken, I’m dying, is all Steven wants to answer.
He says, “Devastated.”
Carra turns to look at him and sighs. He gives Steven a pat on the shoulder and squeezes it gently because he doesn’t know what else he can do.
He accompanies Steven until the skies are dark.
--
This is not as bad as he thinks. Xabi always convinces himself that a decision had to be made, and this is how life goes. People change, people go, people move on. Xabi is moving on.
Xabi gets married. With two children. His little family is perfect. He plays for (some people say) one of the greatest football clubs in the world. This is moving on, Xabi believes.
But the mind can trick you, unlike the heart.
He loves Spain. It’s home, like it always will be. Nagore loves Spain. She loves Jon and Ane, and Xabi. Xabi loves his children, and respects his wife. He loves Steven.
There are days when Xabi feels so comfortable with his life. Loads of friends. Alvaro and Raul, practically, are being constant in his life, with their lame jokes, and of course they don’t admit it, they believe they’re just the best jokers and the very best friends, for Xabi, only Xabi. And there is Sergio, with his million watts smile, with his silly goofy grin, and his untouchable hair. Sergio somehow becomes so close to him. He doesn’t know why but maybe because Sergio loves Fernando, just like Xabi loves Steven. Or maybe just because Sergio feels he was left behind like Xabi left Steven. It was coincident, Xabi believes that.
There are days when Xabi feels everything is on his shoulders. Real Madrid is trying so hard to keep the pace with Barcelona. The media seems so offensive and gives all the shit in front of their faces. It is only mid season for fuck's sake. He sometimes fakes the smile while he's in interviews. Maybe some certain people could see it. Maybe Steven could see it, that he’s not fine. As if Steven ever watched him playing.
There are days when Xabi feels he can’t live without Steven. He can’t breathe easily without Steven. He can’t smile without Steven.
He.just.can’t.without.Steven.
There is one day when Xabi lays in his bed and stares at the ceiling. Alone. He argues with himself, whether to call Steven or not. Steven doesn’t call. The truth is Steven never calls. Xabi hesitates at first. What will he say to him? Talk about the weather? Family? Liverpool?. Xabi isn’t sure if Steven will answer his call. He believes Steven has moved on. He thinks Steven is happy. Steven doesn’t need him, anymore.
Xabi puts his phone back down.
He never calls Steven, either.
Once again, he lets his heart get broken into pieces.
--
Steven runs extra laps. Alone. He doesn’t feel like giving the other lads extra laps too today. Carra watches him from afar. Steven loves running. He loves running especially on training day, especially at Melwood, especially with Xabi.
Steven runs, runs, and runs. He won’t look back. He never ever looks back. Except, he always did. He’s still living in the past. He (still) loves Xabi.
Carra waves at others who jog back to the dressing room. He sighs and walks towards Steven.
“Come on lad, let’s take a break.”
Steven eyes him a second then continues his running. He runs around the pitch for like the sixth time. Carra waits for him on the side line.
Covered with sweat, Steven inhales and exhales roughly. It feels like he cannot breathe properly. His lungs are aching. His stomach hurts. His heart, broken. He convinces himself that spending more time at Anfield will make his hurt feeling subside and somehow will help him to forget about that certain person in Spain. But then again, some people say when you’re trying too hard to forget something then it gets harder to let go of it.
Steven cannot forget Xabi.
So Carra just nudges him slightly, points towards the tunnel, and gives Steven a little soft smile.
--
There are times when Steven drives his car so fast and forgets about the world.
There are times when Steven goes to that lake his grandfather used to take him to.
There are times when Steven just sits in his car and puts his head on steering wheel for mostly hours.
There are times when Steven cries his heart out.
--
It is probably not the best idea, Xabi thinks twice. But how can he say no to Liverpool. No he just cannot. Xabi is being interviewed by LFC tv.
Xabi knows what kind of questions they will ask.
So when they ask what exactly the reason he left are, he just smiles and says, “That was a tough decision I had to make. I was in difficult situation, no ones to blame,” and blah blah blah.
And when they ask if he wants to come back to Liverpool.
Ah, this question.
He wants to snap Of course I want, what the hell you were thinking? Liverpool is my home.
He settles on something smoother and unsuspicious and normal, Why not? Anything is possible in football.
--
Sunday, and it’s 3 in the morning. Steven calls Xabi.
“Steven?”
“Is this some kind of joke?”
Steven’s voice sounds hoarse. It sounds beautifully painful for Xabi. It’s been years and he hasn't heard that voice. It’s been years now and Steven never called. Xabi nearly sobs.
“What?”
“You’re coming back.”
That’s not a question.
Xabi swallows hard.
“I’m waiting.”
Steven hangs up. Xabi wants to die.
--
Three years later.
Xabi is 33. He wants nothing, because he simply has everything. But when a club, the certain club, Liverpool, bid for him, he says yes, nothing more and nothing less.
So here he is now, at Anfield, at home.
He can smell the grass, like he used to.
He can breathe the air, like he used to.
He can hear the loud voice of the Kop, like he used to.
He can feel Steven touch against his arm, like he used to.
He is at home.
He can see the smile, proud smile, plastered on Steven’s face.
He can see the same passion in Steven’s eyes.
And he can feel the same feeling, love, when Steven looks back at him.
He is at home.
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