Left and Right: Chapter Twenty-Two
Title: Left and Right (multi-chapter)
Author: dolce_amore
Summary: Reid injures himself in an accident six months after starting a relationship with Luke. This is the story of how Reid and Luke handle it.
Genre/Type: Romance/Drama/Future-Fic
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own As the World Turns, it’s characters, or it’s settings. Though if you know where I can buy a Reid, please let me know. ☺
Disclaimer #2: Chapter titles are all lyrics taken from songs. I take no credit for them. They are being used for entertainment purposes only. All rights go to the artists that first penned them. ☺
Characters/Pairings in this chapter: Reid/Luke
Author's Notes: This is my Big Bang fic for LROnline. It's 23 chapters, though, so I figured I'd break it up instead of posting all the chapters at once. Enjoy! Comments = love.
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Twenty-Two: If I Let Go, Will You Let Go with Me?
“I’m not getting my hand back, Luke,” Reid blurted while out to dinner at Al’s.
“What are you talking about? Is something wrong?” Luke asked worriedly.
Reid shook his head, rubbing his temple. “It’s not right, Luke. It’s… it’s better, but it’s not right.”
“The Reid Oliver I know wouldn’t talk like that. Don’t give up yet,” Luke encouraged, trying to be optimistic.
“I’m not giving up, Luke,” Reid said, his words heavy. “I’m just being realistic. It’s been over a month. The opening of the new wing is tomorrow and people are going to want to know what the hell is going on with me. I’m going to have to give them some kind of answer.”
“And what answer is that?” Luke asked.
“That while I’ll head the new wing, I won’t be operating in it. I can’t.”
Luke just sat there, staring blankly at Reid. He almost couldn’t process what he was saying. For Reid’s sake he wanted to, but he just couldn’t. He never expected Reid to admit to not being able to operate, to say it out loud in this way. “What if you just give it more time? We could go to Chicago or New York, we can get the best therapist in the world if you want. I can start making phone calls right now. I mean, even if you get most of your range of motion back maybe…”
“I appreciate what you’d be willing to do for me.”
“I’d do anything for you,” Luke replied quickly.
“I know that,” Reid said with a smile. “But it’s not going to get better, Luke. And unless it’s back to one hundred percent I won’t operate. I can’t risk it. I can’t do that to my patients. They’re more important than my pride.”
Luke sighed. It was more than just his pride that Reid was brushing aside and they both knew it. Luke had never respected the man who sat across from him more.
“I feel like I’ve taken everything from you. You chose me in the accident and…”
“And I still have you because of it,” Reid said matter-of-factly.
“But you love the brain,” Luke whispered. “You love surgery. It’s your life. And I feel like because you love me, that’s been taken from you.”
“It took me four years of pre-med to figure out that I wanted to be a surgeon. It took me two glances to figure out that I wanted you. For you to even compare the two is frankly rather moronic.”
Luke shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t even… I don’t… I’m usually decent with words but I don’t know what to tell you.”
“It is what it is,” Reid said, his face stoic. “I can’t dwell on it. I don’t do pity.”
Luke smiled sadly. “You’re allowed to be sad, though. Being a surgeon is such a huge part of who you are. That’s something you’re allowed to be sad about losing, Reid.”
There was a time when he had no idea who the hell he was without surgery. That it was his comfort, his home. That it was what filled every void that his personal life failed to do. It gave him the emotional ups and downs that most people received just by living. He had always identified himself as a surgeon before a doctor, but when he really thought about it, it wasn’t the act of operating that he was in love with, per se. He was passionate about medicine, about saving lives.
He was passionate about Luke.
The car ride home was quiet. Not a sad kind of silence, just - reflective. Luke drove, his free hand slipping into Reid’s weakened left hand. It was scary to Luke - saying things like Reid had just said out loud. It scared the hell out of him. He had no idea how Reid could be so brave, but thought so highly of him for it. And while it was second nature to take care of people, Luke hadn’t the slightest idea how to help Reid through this. When things seemed like they might be okay, it was easier. Now things weren’t okay, though. Reid put up a good front about it but he knew very well that being a surgeon was more than just a chapter in Reid’s book - it was more like an entire volume of it’s own. Reid was just being so… noble. The great Dr. Oliver was nobler than anyone ever gave him credit for.
They walked through the door of their apartment and Luke grabbed Reid’s arm. “I want to talk about this,” he said seriously.
“Why, to make you feel better?” Reid asked, not harshly, just bluntly.
“No,” Luke replied. “To make you feel better.”
“The thing about talking is that everyone seems to have this idea that it makes things better when it doesn’t. Sometimes something happens and it just - is.”
“But…” Luke started.
Reid ran a steady hand along Luke’s jaw line gently, quieting him. “I still have medicine. I still have you. End of story.”
“And you’re okay with that ending?”
Reid sighed, narrowing his eyes at Luke. “I’ve watched patients die every single day of my career. I’m not a fan of whining, as you know. My patients don’t complain even when they know they’re dying. No one died here, Luke, so I’m not about to complain, either. This entire time I kept thinking about how fucked up I was, how broken I was… but you never saw me that way. And when you ‘fixed me’,” he said, smiling slightly at the memory, “it… meant something.” He said candidly.
“I’m sorry. You’re going through this horrible thing and all I can do is stand here and stare at you.”
“You’ve hardly just stood there and stared at me through all of this,” Reid replied with a smile.
Reid was smiling, and Luke felt oddly relieved. He knew Reid possibly couldn’t be completely okay with the whole situation, but he certainly was acting like it. He had his emotions in control, which told Luke that while everything wasn’t peachy, it was okay. And right now that was enough for the both of them.
“You’re so calm about this,” Luke said. “I don’t know how you do it.”
Reid shrugged. “It’s not so amazing, Luke.”
“It is though. If it were me I’d be…”
“Crying like a baby and throwing a tantrum?” Reid finished with a smirk.
“Yeah,” Luke said, blushing.
“Hey, when I started realizing I wasn’t getting better, I threw my own private tantrums, trust me.”
“You keep your tantrums private? Since when?” Luke cracked, playing with the hair the curled at the back of Reid’s neck gently. Reid laughed.
“I’m proud of you.” Luke said genuinely.
“Let’s not get all warm and fuzzy now,” Reid warned.
“You may not be warm and fuzzy, but I am. So I’m allowed to say stuff like that. I’m proud of you.” Luke replied firmly.
“Why are you proud of me?” Reid asked, humoring him.
“Oh, now he-who-doesn’t-want-to-get-mushy is fishing for compliments. Interesting.”
“Answer the question, Snyder. You’re killing me with the cliffhanger,” he replied.
“I’m proud of you because you’re going through one of the most difficult times of your life and you’re being so strong.”
“Wouldn’t have been able to do it without you,” Reid said with a shrug.
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“I would,” Reid said definitively, and Luke simply smiled.
They walked into the bedroom and simultaneously flopped down on their respective sides of the bed. It was 8 PM and while neither of them were anywhere near ready for sleep, had a silent understanding that the bed would give much-needed comfort that the couch simply wouldn’t provide on this night.
“What are you going to do?” Luke asked, cocking his head the side to see Reid’s profile in the darkness.
“Continue to be a kick ass doctor,” Reid replied. He cursed himself under his breath for quoting Bob. Not quoting, but - close enough.
“So modest, as always,” Luke replied. He stared at the older man beside him. He was so… at ease. He expected to see a clenched jaw and a vein raised along his temple, but all traces of tenseness were missing. Luke wasn’t used to seeing Reid at peace with a lack of control over a situation. He felt as though there were outside influences to this change in demeanor that Reid would be never dare admit to being anything but ideas of his own creation. Reid knew that Luke knew this. Luke always knew. Reid’s stubbornness and arrogance that would keep him silent, but his perception was sharp enough to trick them into believing themselves, when it truth there were know words needed to begin with.
“Big day tomorrow,” Luke said.
“Mm,” Reid replied.
“You nervous?”
“Reid Oliver doesn’t get nervous,” he replied dryly.
Author: dolce_amore
Summary: Reid injures himself in an accident six months after starting a relationship with Luke. This is the story of how Reid and Luke handle it.
Genre/Type: Romance/Drama/Future-Fic
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own As the World Turns, it’s characters, or it’s settings. Though if you know where I can buy a Reid, please let me know. ☺
Disclaimer #2: Chapter titles are all lyrics taken from songs. I take no credit for them. They are being used for entertainment purposes only. All rights go to the artists that first penned them. ☺
Characters/Pairings in this chapter: Reid/Luke
Author's Notes: This is my Big Bang fic for LROnline. It's 23 chapters, though, so I figured I'd break it up instead of posting all the chapters at once. Enjoy! Comments = love.
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Twenty-Two: If I Let Go, Will You Let Go with Me?
“I’m not getting my hand back, Luke,” Reid blurted while out to dinner at Al’s.
“What are you talking about? Is something wrong?” Luke asked worriedly.
Reid shook his head, rubbing his temple. “It’s not right, Luke. It’s… it’s better, but it’s not right.”
“The Reid Oliver I know wouldn’t talk like that. Don’t give up yet,” Luke encouraged, trying to be optimistic.
“I’m not giving up, Luke,” Reid said, his words heavy. “I’m just being realistic. It’s been over a month. The opening of the new wing is tomorrow and people are going to want to know what the hell is going on with me. I’m going to have to give them some kind of answer.”
“And what answer is that?” Luke asked.
“That while I’ll head the new wing, I won’t be operating in it. I can’t.”
Luke just sat there, staring blankly at Reid. He almost couldn’t process what he was saying. For Reid’s sake he wanted to, but he just couldn’t. He never expected Reid to admit to not being able to operate, to say it out loud in this way. “What if you just give it more time? We could go to Chicago or New York, we can get the best therapist in the world if you want. I can start making phone calls right now. I mean, even if you get most of your range of motion back maybe…”
“I appreciate what you’d be willing to do for me.”
“I’d do anything for you,” Luke replied quickly.
“I know that,” Reid said with a smile. “But it’s not going to get better, Luke. And unless it’s back to one hundred percent I won’t operate. I can’t risk it. I can’t do that to my patients. They’re more important than my pride.”
Luke sighed. It was more than just his pride that Reid was brushing aside and they both knew it. Luke had never respected the man who sat across from him more.
“I feel like I’ve taken everything from you. You chose me in the accident and…”
“And I still have you because of it,” Reid said matter-of-factly.
“But you love the brain,” Luke whispered. “You love surgery. It’s your life. And I feel like because you love me, that’s been taken from you.”
“It took me four years of pre-med to figure out that I wanted to be a surgeon. It took me two glances to figure out that I wanted you. For you to even compare the two is frankly rather moronic.”
Luke shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t even… I don’t… I’m usually decent with words but I don’t know what to tell you.”
“It is what it is,” Reid said, his face stoic. “I can’t dwell on it. I don’t do pity.”
Luke smiled sadly. “You’re allowed to be sad, though. Being a surgeon is such a huge part of who you are. That’s something you’re allowed to be sad about losing, Reid.”
There was a time when he had no idea who the hell he was without surgery. That it was his comfort, his home. That it was what filled every void that his personal life failed to do. It gave him the emotional ups and downs that most people received just by living. He had always identified himself as a surgeon before a doctor, but when he really thought about it, it wasn’t the act of operating that he was in love with, per se. He was passionate about medicine, about saving lives.
He was passionate about Luke.
The car ride home was quiet. Not a sad kind of silence, just - reflective. Luke drove, his free hand slipping into Reid’s weakened left hand. It was scary to Luke - saying things like Reid had just said out loud. It scared the hell out of him. He had no idea how Reid could be so brave, but thought so highly of him for it. And while it was second nature to take care of people, Luke hadn’t the slightest idea how to help Reid through this. When things seemed like they might be okay, it was easier. Now things weren’t okay, though. Reid put up a good front about it but he knew very well that being a surgeon was more than just a chapter in Reid’s book - it was more like an entire volume of it’s own. Reid was just being so… noble. The great Dr. Oliver was nobler than anyone ever gave him credit for.
They walked through the door of their apartment and Luke grabbed Reid’s arm. “I want to talk about this,” he said seriously.
“Why, to make you feel better?” Reid asked, not harshly, just bluntly.
“No,” Luke replied. “To make you feel better.”
“The thing about talking is that everyone seems to have this idea that it makes things better when it doesn’t. Sometimes something happens and it just - is.”
“But…” Luke started.
Reid ran a steady hand along Luke’s jaw line gently, quieting him. “I still have medicine. I still have you. End of story.”
“And you’re okay with that ending?”
Reid sighed, narrowing his eyes at Luke. “I’ve watched patients die every single day of my career. I’m not a fan of whining, as you know. My patients don’t complain even when they know they’re dying. No one died here, Luke, so I’m not about to complain, either. This entire time I kept thinking about how fucked up I was, how broken I was… but you never saw me that way. And when you ‘fixed me’,” he said, smiling slightly at the memory, “it… meant something.” He said candidly.
“I’m sorry. You’re going through this horrible thing and all I can do is stand here and stare at you.”
“You’ve hardly just stood there and stared at me through all of this,” Reid replied with a smile.
Reid was smiling, and Luke felt oddly relieved. He knew Reid possibly couldn’t be completely okay with the whole situation, but he certainly was acting like it. He had his emotions in control, which told Luke that while everything wasn’t peachy, it was okay. And right now that was enough for the both of them.
“You’re so calm about this,” Luke said. “I don’t know how you do it.”
Reid shrugged. “It’s not so amazing, Luke.”
“It is though. If it were me I’d be…”
“Crying like a baby and throwing a tantrum?” Reid finished with a smirk.
“Yeah,” Luke said, blushing.
“Hey, when I started realizing I wasn’t getting better, I threw my own private tantrums, trust me.”
“You keep your tantrums private? Since when?” Luke cracked, playing with the hair the curled at the back of Reid’s neck gently. Reid laughed.
“I’m proud of you.” Luke said genuinely.
“Let’s not get all warm and fuzzy now,” Reid warned.
“You may not be warm and fuzzy, but I am. So I’m allowed to say stuff like that. I’m proud of you.” Luke replied firmly.
“Why are you proud of me?” Reid asked, humoring him.
“Oh, now he-who-doesn’t-want-to-get-mushy is fishing for compliments. Interesting.”
“Answer the question, Snyder. You’re killing me with the cliffhanger,” he replied.
“I’m proud of you because you’re going through one of the most difficult times of your life and you’re being so strong.”
“Wouldn’t have been able to do it without you,” Reid said with a shrug.
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“I would,” Reid said definitively, and Luke simply smiled.
They walked into the bedroom and simultaneously flopped down on their respective sides of the bed. It was 8 PM and while neither of them were anywhere near ready for sleep, had a silent understanding that the bed would give much-needed comfort that the couch simply wouldn’t provide on this night.
“What are you going to do?” Luke asked, cocking his head the side to see Reid’s profile in the darkness.
“Continue to be a kick ass doctor,” Reid replied. He cursed himself under his breath for quoting Bob. Not quoting, but - close enough.
“So modest, as always,” Luke replied. He stared at the older man beside him. He was so… at ease. He expected to see a clenched jaw and a vein raised along his temple, but all traces of tenseness were missing. Luke wasn’t used to seeing Reid at peace with a lack of control over a situation. He felt as though there were outside influences to this change in demeanor that Reid would be never dare admit to being anything but ideas of his own creation. Reid knew that Luke knew this. Luke always knew. Reid’s stubbornness and arrogance that would keep him silent, but his perception was sharp enough to trick them into believing themselves, when it truth there were know words needed to begin with.
“Big day tomorrow,” Luke said.
“Mm,” Reid replied.
“You nervous?”
“Reid Oliver doesn’t get nervous,” he replied dryly.